Aware of My Senses on this Summer Day in July

                                                                                                                                 

I breathe in and I breathe out

I breathe in and I breathe out

and once again I breathe in and I breathe out

All of senses are engaged as I sit in this quiet space on my deck

At this time

At this place

Today

Now

Breathe ...

Just

Breathe

It seems I am aware that all my senses want to say something.

I sip the beautiful reddish pink drink that I mixed up minutes ago

The taste of raspberry meets coconut meets banana

I will make this again but for right now

I savour the exquisite taste in my mouth

The taste of summer

I shut my eyes and let my sense of hearing perk up.

Motorcycles on Henderson, all planes flying above the house

The sound of the leaves rustling, blowing, the flag snapping in the wind

The sound of birds the driving past of cars

The beautiful song of the wind chime

The hum of a chainsaw somewhere 

I savour this moment with eyes shut and the opening up of ears to hear things that I may otherwise miss

The beautiful sounds of summer

I take a deep breath, head tilted up toward the sky

Breathing in the air around me

And today the smell of campfire is once again in the air

Flowers that filled the air a few weeks ago, have bloomed and fallen

I breathe in again and smell the earthy scent of wood chips on the side driveway

But unfortunately the smell of campfire which I normally love

Is really the smell of the smoke coming from northern fires raging out of control

As it means people have lost homes, and businesses and been forced out of communities due to wildfire.

It is the smell of summer for the past month (and we are warned not to be outside too much)

I open my eyes and look around me

Seeing creation at its best

Even the weeds are thriving in their colourful array

Bullrushes from last year look tired and a bit fluffy as they wait for the new ones to take their place.

I see the new growth on our pine trees and spruces

The new growth makes them look whimsical

I see the blueish tinges on the boughs of the blue spruce, the different coloured greens in the bush in front of me, the small red berries on the bush that seemed to sprout just because it wanted to, and was native to this area.

I see the flag waving in the wind, with a reminder that I need to buy a new one.  I see the haze of smoke in the air, and the grey clouds covering the sky, with the occasional glance of the sun through it all

I see the garden that we have tended to

I see the birds flitting, the one on the grass looking for a bug or two, I see the trees swaying and the leaves shaking.  I see the pods on the one tree hanging like little monkeys and swaying in the breeze.

I see the deck around me, the house behind me, and the deckchair I am sitting in

I see the tall wild grass swaying and the wrought iron wind mill moving

I see the different colours of brown in the wood chips, and the weathered poles of our pole fence in front of our house

I see pinecones hanging on pine boughs and planters that are empty because I didn’t get annuals bought and planted

I see the boughs of the shrubs coming through the planks on our deck.  

I see another small plane as it whizzes across the sky above us and the annoying flies that are buzzing around me

I see the sights of summer in abundance

I breathe in while shutting my eyes

What is it that I feel?

I feel the warmth of this day combined with the cooler temp

I feel the breeze that blows across my bare arms and face

I feel a breeze come up through the deck onto my bare toes

I feel a stronger breeze come out of seemingly no where, and it feels cool

I pull my chair forward and I feel the sunshine on my feet, and the warmth flooding over my toes

I feel the tangible touch of summer over and on me

It makes me smile

I am alive

My senses aware of what is around me

The things I taste, and see

The things I hear and feel

I

Am

Alive

And then I go in and down

Into the depth of my being

Aware that I am also feeling things within

Within my heart

Within my soul

Within my emotions

And I feel like I just want to stop here

At this time

At this place

Breathing in

Breathing out

There is so very much that has been packed down deep

To be opened on the right day

Although to be honest, I am not sure what the right day is

Or if it is today

Somehow it feels okay to just sit with it a bit longer

And to savour it all

And unpack the deep container on another day

And really, 

I think that is just fine to sit with it a while longer

The full container does not alter what I am tasting, feeling, hearing, seeing at this time

If anything it would perhaps bring a bigger awareness, a greater depth to my story

I feel quite okay with sitting with it

I feel the affirmation from LOVE that in this summer, 

I can continue to hold this all close

today

at this time

at this place

Be still my soul 

 

Hand over my heart - and "Breathing Together"

About two weeks ago I sat (virtually) with my Spiritual Director Jude.  I thank God for this woman who was brought into my life almost two years ago. Prior to that, I had Cathy, but once I started in Spiritual Direction Training, since Cathy is our teacher/director of the program, I needed to find a new one, and that is where Judith came in.  

We meet virtually every month.  And I have had the bonus of being with her in person at our gatherings on Bowen Island, and will be again next month when I graduate from the program.  It's always nice to get a warm hug.  BUT last month I came to her feeling a bit "out of breath" with everything that was/and is happening.  Our decision to finish ministry ... the sale of our house ... looking for another house ...doing my homework ... thinking of the end of the year project to be created in some way/shape or form.... not to mention that in the last month, I have hosted 62 people.  Let me tell you, that is a lot of food, and toilet paper too!!  Not to mention laundry.  The other day Alvin said, it will be nice when you just have one basket of laundry to do for ourselves!  

It has felt at times overwhelming.  I know this is what God signed us up for, and we were and are still willing and want to finish well.  But it is not for the week kneed lol.

ANYHOW back to Judith.  I was sharing a few things that were on my heart with her.  That things were just well, a lot!  And she shared with me that sometimes she stops when she is feeling this, and tucks her hand onto her heart, skin to skin, shuts her eyes and breathes in, and breathes out for a few times.  As I am typing this, I know I have since done that a few times - skin to skin, hand over my heart, my breath prayer being (breathing in)  YOU ARE WITH ME and (breathing out) I AM WITH YOU and repeated in and out a few times.  It is amazing how the Spirit just calms me right down with my breath, and my hand over my heart .  It has become a beautiful action to just slow me down in the midst of it all.

These actions (breath prayer and just hand over heart breathing) is not new, but somehow I had forgot about it and sometimes felt like I was hyperventilating at times and just needed this reminder.

On top of the hustle and bustle we are currently in (which also includes two offers being turned down) we have had to also stop and count our blessings, and also a deep trusting in the LORD GOD to supply.You know it is so easy to say we are trusting when things are going good aka "our way" but when things go contrary to what we hope and pray for (ie LORD, if it it your will, would you move this couple to take our offer") But let me tell you, it feels like our life since 2000 has been a road of trusting and it is still an adventure.  (God has made that very obvious to me).  But, I would be lying if I said that I did not have a little cry every now and then!

And then we have been watching someone who is young, with a wife and three kids, and lots of life ahead of him - go from diagnosis to Heaven in the course of a few months.  And today, my heart is heavy.  We have prayed so many prayers for the family.  It just seems so hard.  I have known the family (his parents through my church days and camp days) and watched this young man grow up!  And next week will celebrate his life.  Absent from the body and together with the LORD, but oh man, greatly missed by all who loved and knew him.  CANCER.  It is brutal.  (Today is also 5 years since we said good-bye to our brother in law Todd, who died of the same cancer!!) But we know and have learned that cancer knows no age, in fact cancer is a respecter of none and it seems it has entered the lives of too many people that we know.  So, as I said, today my heart is just really sad.  Feels a little prayed out right now.  And weary.

While I was sitting and waiting for a group I am hosting, to come in and eat, God led me to listen to one of Cathy AJ Hardy's songs.  It was a wonderful time to just sit - put my hand on my heart skin to skin - and to breathe and an out and just be bathed with these words, and the strong warmth and calming voice of Cathy. (God speaks so beautifully through the words he has given Cathy to write! ). 

I am attaching the song below - I hope you will play it and read the words - and maybe you will put your hand on your heart too - and breathe!!  

Breathing Together

When my soul is weary

When my heart is heavy

Then you come and tell me

Lie down, lie down

Then you come and you tell me

Lie down, lie down

* * *

As I rest my body

Then you lie beside me

And you breathe with me

Mmmmm

And you breathe with me

Mmmm

* * *

Then your strong arms lift me

On the path you carry me

And you whisper tenderly to me

Of your love

And you whisper tenderly to me

Of your love

* * *

Then my soul is strengthened

And my heart is healed

For your love enfolds me

Mmmm

Yes your love enfolds me

Mmmm

* * *

And we walk together

Through the heights and valleys

We're always breathing together

Mmmm

We're always breathing together

Mmmm

copyright 2010 Cathy AJ Hardy as recorded on the Love Shines album

Walking in the Dark

I walk

The big yard light has turned off at the time my husband thinks all will be in bed

But I am outside walking

Breathing in and breathing out

Listening as my boots make my tell-tale sound

I have been told a few times that I have a very distinctive walking sound lol\

White lights on porch illuminating my every step

It feels warm out compared to walking a week ago in the minus 30’s

I am thankful for the reprieve

When all of creation is still

And hunkered down for the night

I walk the deck

It sounds silly but for me it is safety

When the driveway has melted and iced

And with a few falls under my belt, I am opting for safety 

It works and for some reason doesn’t get monotenous 

Listening to the wooden bamboo wind chime

The sound distinctly its own

Not like the beautiful toned sound of my other wind-chime

But something about this bamboo wind chime is soothing tonight

The wind has picked up

Still not cold, but a very distinct wind

My iPhone is in the hood of my jacket, as close to my ears as possible

That way I can listen to the story on audible as I walk

Although whenever I round the corner, the wind and chimes threatens to drown out the words

My heart feels like it is carrying many things

My head is full with thoughts that if dwelled on individually, 

Just one would be enough to make me lay down and sleep the day away

Cocooned under the feather quilt

In a fetal position

Unsure of how to carry the load

Its a lot

And the best thing I can do is pray

For each one

For each circumstance

And sometimes often the prayers are seasoned with tears

This is not mine to take on, but I can surely walk alongside of the one with the burden

I am thankful I can pray and hold up the arms of the one who is weighed down

I can also listen, and make a safe place for the story that may be shared

And I know that the Spirit is in it with us, 

And interceding with groans that the Father hears.

Lately as I have been walking, I listen to an audible story

The story I have chosen is one of a woman who I follow on instagram

And she has also written her story about her journey - 

A journey with cancer

I am not sure what draws me to her story

Or anyones hard story really

But I am

Perhaps it is my enneagram number

Or the fact that I have walked with others through end of life

Or maybe I just see where I can learn something from people who care enough to be vulnerable

That in itself is hard

As these days everyone feels they have the right to rip a strip off of someone that they don’t agree with

What’s with that anyhow

When did we become such an entitled bunch of know it all people

Sheesh

I walk tonight

Sound of wooden chimes clanging

Wind rustling past my face

My thoughts are in a heap

And I am trying to discern which ones to pay heed to

My week has been one of friendship and family

One of hugs and kisses

And a week of deep knowing, sorrow and loss

For me to walk in the stillness of this dark night

Is a balm for my soul

I walk and realize that many conversations have been had

And things have impacted me in great ways

A week full of school work

Reading books

Pondering stories told from siblings about ancestors

A week full of hearing of a life lived all out

And a life given a diagnosis with a time frame attached

In my thoughts I think backwards to what I was doing this time years ago

As well as the things I did today

This week I have heard many stories told

Amidst laughter and tears

And the sound of a drum and a song being sung as part of an Indigenous renaming ceremony

I have hugged my grandkids and told them again how much I love them

I have drank coffee and bought coffee for others

I have eaten supper with friends and studied the Word with other women

I have enjoyed fresh biscuits and jam and conversation

I’ve listened to the beautiful song of the chickadees that are loving the bird food on my deck

And I wait with anticipation for my Jays to realize I have peanuts for them again.

I am serenaded by the song that plays when my dryer is done, 

And the beeping that notifies me the dishes are clean.

Sure some work has been done

But for the most part it has been a slow week

A much needed slow week of pause.  Of reflection.  Of sitting with my thoughts.

It has not been a week that has been very visually productive

There is so much to clean and sort

To organize and to throw away

But instead I nestle in my big white chair that is facing the outside

And I sit and think

Read Scripture and highlight the same

Talk to God in prayer, and also in written journalling

It seems like my body does not want to move

As if it is protesting

And one wonders if the B12 liquid will ever do its job

To restore energy and dispel fatigue

Sure the walking feels good

But to do other things, seems like that can wait for now ..

Tomorrow 

I will do it tomorrow

Because today it just feels like there are too many thoughts to contend with and acknowledge

To many stories to hear and to keep safely

Too many feelings to hold in the depths of my being.

Im not trying to figure them out

It seems okay to just ..    hold them

I have walked

I have written

I have thought

I have now been yawning and I feel like nighttime is also coming for this gal

And tomorrow ~ 

I will walk again

For that, I am thankful

Because I know I do not walk alone

My thoughts that spin are okay to spin

The stories are safe to hold

This life is full and it is a journey

And I know who is walking it with me

Tonight, in the dark, with the wind, and the blowing chimes

I am thankful.