feeling messy

I feel "messy" these days - really messy.
I don't mean on the outside, although my house could use a good clean and a BFI bucket outside for purging (one of these days) BUT no, I mean I feel messy "Inside".

How do I describe what I am feeling - not sure, but perhaps I can try.
Feeling "alone" even when I am surrounded by people. Feeling like my thoughts that are running wild in my head NEVER seem to stop. (which is why perhaps people choose to self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, or in my case - emotional eating)
I feel like a "pinball - that is weaving its way around the pinball machine, hitting miscellaneous bumpers, and then shooting off in another direction."

I feel tired - and yet when I go to sleep - sleep doesn't want to come easily. Tossing and turning, and tossing some more - only to finally fall into a decent sleep sometime between 4 and 5 am.

I feel like I am waiting to exhale - and maybe I am.
Personally, I believe it is all about moving closer to the day when my Grandson was born. And the day that our hopes came crashing and laid in a million pieces around us. Sometimes I wonder if God will find all those shattered pieces - but the better part of me says God knows exactly where each piece is, and where it fits, and how He is somehow going to make our hearts whole again.

Yesterday I had someone whom I will call a friend - tell me how her grief has been. She has lost a husband. Her gentle eyes looked into mine, as she told me that she will not be, and nor will we be - ever be, the same again. I knew that. I feel that. I see it in my own eyes. Sometimes I wonder if my friends see it too.

I have already had a couple people email me, or facebook me saying they were already praying me and our family through this week...
Where would I be without such friends - who don't try to fix things but instead just say they are praying because they can only imagine how hard it is and will be.
This week - this Friday will be my Grandson Jay Benjamin's first birthday. Even as I write that line, I am weeping.

It is just so hard, so terribly hard, not to feel so cheated and ripped off. And once again, I am finding the "why God?'s " are coming out of my mouth and thoughts?

We are so different - and trying to figure out how to walk as "changed" people.
It is like looking through glasses with a different lens - and it just looks so different.

Today - I checked my email, and here was another very timely email from Grief Share... timely... very timely.

Set Apart Through Grief

Many people become wiser, more humane, more compassionate, more fully human after experiencing grief. In this way, grief sets you apart. People who have gone through it are different.

"It will change you," says Sylvia, whose parents died. "You will do a 180-degree turn. When you go to a funeral home, from then on you will know what those people are going through; you'll know what you can do to help them.

"Before that, I would go shake hands, go to the line and say, 'I'm sorry.' And I didn't understand. But after you've lost a loved one, you have a totally different concept of what they're going through. I think you can be a better minister, and I think God gives you some of these things to use in your own personal ministry. So it will change you."

Change is difficult, and all people experience change throughout their lives. God, though, remains the same-—a solid refuge and fortress.

"I the Lord do not change" (Malachi 3:6).

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8).

Sovereign God, You never change. I can put my anchor in You and know I will remain secure. Lord, I want You to be the foundation of my life so that I will make it through life's difficult times. Amen.


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