Sunday, May 30

continuing to take my breath away


I have a little bouquet of flowers
waiting for the chance to go past Sunnyside
and put them on my little grandson's grave
my little grandson Jay would have been 22 months this past Monday
I was away and did not make my trek to lay flowers on that day
yet my heart has been over-full this past week

Lately I have been taken back often
to the day that our little one entered the arms of Jesus
I have been taken back
to the way we as grandparents huddled and petitioned God
for the life of our little Jay

I am not sure why
but this past week, my memories have flooded my soul
and I have been taken back to that day
often
and it literally takes my breath away
it literally makes my heart race

And 22 months later
I still don't get it
I never will "this side of heaven"
22 months later I know still
that it is a mystery only God understands
22 months later
I continue to realize that our grief will always be there
It continues to walk through each day with us
Time will not ever take it away,
but time and the touch of God in our hearts
will perhaps change the feel and look of it
I don't need anyone to understand this
this posting is primarily for my own purpose
to express my heart
and my unending love for our little grandson
whom we never got to watch grow up
and overwhelming feelings of grief over losing our little Jay to heaven
much too soon

I know that Heaven is the best place
I know that
but
in the meantime
separation is so incredibly hard

I think perhaps God is allowing me these thoughts, these memories
for a purpose
God does that.
He brings beauty out of ashes
and I am seeing that ~
really
But ~ in the meantime
my thoughts will continue to overflow
my breath will still be taken away
my tears will fall often
my heart will still do this weird race thing
and I will always love our little Jay
and will never forget his beautiful little being
until I get to hug him again in glory

Till then
my memories will continue
I will not know why they will be more constant this week
but they are
and that...
that is okay.

God continues to be my comfort
and there are times
when I can almost "feel" him
continuing to put the pieces of my heart back together

And that is all I hope for
that in the midst of continuing loss and sorrow,
there can again, be wholeness

Only God can do that.
I know that to be true!





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