continuing to take my breath away

I have a little bouquet of flowers

waiting for the chance to go past Sunnyside

and put them on my little grandson's grave

my little grandson Jay would have been 22 months this past Monday

I was away and did not make my trek to lay flowers on that day

yet my heart has been over-full this past week

Lately I have been taken back often

to the day that our little one entered the arms of Jesus

I have been taken back

to the way we as grandparents huddled and petitioned God

for the life of our little Jay

I am not sure why

but this past week, my memories have flooded my soul

and I have been taken back to that day

often

and it literally takes my breath away

it literally makes my heart race

And 22 months later

I still don't get it

I never will "this side of heaven"

22 months later I know still

that it is a mystery only God understands

22 months later

I continue to realize that our grief will always be there

It continues to walk through each day with us

Time will not ever take it away,

but time and the touch of God in our hearts

will perhaps change the feel and look of it

I don't need anyone to understand this

this posting is primarily for my own purpose

to express my heart

and my unending love for our little grandson

whom we never got to watch grow up

and overwhelming feelings of grief over losing our little Jay to heaven

much too soon

I know that Heaven is the best place

I know that

but

in the meantime

separation is so incredibly hard

I think perhaps God is allowing me these thoughts, these memories

for a purpose

God does that.

He brings beauty out of ashes

and I am seeing that ~

really

But ~ in the meantime

my thoughts will continue to overflow

my breath will still be taken away

my tears will fall often

my heart will still do this weird race thing

and I will always love our little Jay

and will never forget his beautiful little being

until I get to hug him again in glory

Till then

my memories will continue

I will not know why they will be more constant this week

but they are

and that...

that is okay.

God continues to be my comfort

and there are times

when I can almost "feel" him

continuing to put the pieces of my heart back together

And that is all I hope for

that in the midst of continuing loss and sorrow,

there can again, be wholeness

Only God can do that.

I know that to be true!