sitting at the Bean

I am back at the "bean".  MOUNTAIN BEAN that is.  I was here this morning with my good pal Kim, and it was good to sit outside under the umbrella, with enough sunshine on us to make us enjoy it.  A good cup of coffee and two hours later, and we hugged good-bye and went on our way.  However, now I have a little time to kill - I still need to walk, but wanted to stop for a quick iced tea and a little time to write.

Writing seems to take time lately.  I don't want to be someone who just blogs for the sake of blogging.  I also sometimes wonder what my kids will do with my journals when I am gone!  HOWEVER I have found that lately my writing has been decreased.  I bemoaned that to my husband yesterday "I have not been writing in my journal as much lately."  To which he said, "I noticed".  Knowing that he HAS NEVER read my journal (although I have sometimes read entries TO him) I wondered how he knew this.  He said that he notices that my journal has sat in the same place for days.  Which he then assumed meant that I had not written in it for days.  And well - he is right.

Normally I am into my 3rd journal by July... and I am just nearing the end of my first.  This isn't that big of a deal, however I know that I journal MORE when I spend more time with the Lord ... and I will say that has been lacking too.

It seems that as much as I hate to admit that I like routine - I really do.  And in the past year I have realized how little routine I have in my life.  When I look back to when I finished pastoring and began walking in my journey, I stepped out of "routine" and into a new routine which meant alot of walking in the back forty as I called our acreage in Anola.  It meant alot of talking with the Lord - alot of reading my Bible, alot of just "snuggling" up to him and resting in his presence.  It meant that I could go out on my deck with my coffee, bible, journal and a few cups later wrap up my QT with the LORD and feel refreshed, rejuvenated and refueled!

But my life had a major change in it - and looking backwards, I see that the first change was never quite worked through when another one came and another, and other.

I spent July packing and moving.  August 1st we woke up in our kids loft - our new home. HUGE HUGE CHANGE after living 27 years in our Anola home!  Less than two weeks later Mom K went into the hospital and I spent a good portion of almost every day over the next 10 weeks in her room at Seven Oaks Hospital.  I would not trade that time for anything - and I was so glad I was able to do it HOWEVER I really had not even learned how to adapt to life in the loft ...  Then two weeks with Mom at home before she went "home" t be with Jesus.  ANOTHER HUGE CHANGE ~ adapting to life without our last parent here! A few months later we moved again ... this time into Mom's condo (March to present and likely till August 31st when the new owner takes possession).  We moved into Mom's condo with laundry baskets (how optimistic !!) and our possessions have morphed into her space.  On top of that, we had another terribly hard and HUGE change ~ we changed churches after being at McIvor for 32 years.  That was so hard.  You just don't leave "family" on a whim.  It is something we wish we never had to do - ever ... and yet the blessings have come from that.  (we thank God for our invitation into a care group at Eastview!)

Then ... Toss a couple holidays (Mexico with our family and Alaska with our friends) and a new job (Nov 16 till now) and sometimes I understand why there is no routine!  Thing is... I don't feel good about it.  Like I said in my resignation at McIvor - I do fly by the seat of my pants often but I do still like my "ducks in a row" and honestly there is not a single duck lined up in my life right now!  Okay, may-be one ....

I am only working part time so you figure I would be able to get into routine...
You figure I would get my QT into a pattern because I LOVE spending that time with the LORD...
You would figure I would get my exercise time down pat ...
You would figure I would have LOTS of time to journal ...

Looking backwards there are alot of things I still can't believe have happened. My breath still gets taken away when I think of the biggest loss in our life, our little grandson.  I still want to ask God "why" ... but find that I don't do the asking as often.  I see how even in the out of routine life - God has carried me, walked me, held me through the change.  And boy is there change.  For the most part - it is "inside me" and you may not be able to "see" it unless you are close to me ... but I am a different woman.

While I sit at the bean - I remember the times I sat here - often 5 times in a week - often having my early morning QT outside around their patio table.  Precious times.  Journal filling times!
I really want those back.  I don't like the unsettled feeling I get from having an undisciplined no-routine routine!!  Thing is - I know the Lord wants me to spend more time again.  So ... what is taking me?

Good question!

Perhaps as I sit and drink this iced tea, I can ponder that question AND perhaps I will close this computer and pull out my journal and bible beside me!

May you have the chance to sit - and think.  

To ponder and pray. 

To read and reflect!  

BUT most of all 
To sit and snuggle on the lap of God!!