in the secret, in the quiet place ...

God just put a song in my heart today.

The words are like a balm for my soul.  Andy Park's words are different and yet the same as the words I just penned a couple hours ago in my journal. You may (or may not) remember this song, here are the lyrics of the song.  

 In the Secret

In the secret in the quiet place

In the stillness you are there

In the secret in the quiet hour

I wait only for you

'cause i want to know you more

I want to know you

I want to hear your voice

I want to know you more

I want to touch you

I want to see your face

I want to know you more

I am reaching for the highest goal

That i might receive the prize

Pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside

Out of my way

'cause i want to know you more

These days have been full.  It seems they have been full of thoughts.  Full of words spoken.  Full of words heard from others.  They have been full of beauty around me.  The sights and sounds of my grand children's laughter/conversation/expressions.  Birthday celebration.  Candle blowing.  Hockey tournament cheering.  Encouraging words.  Laughter.  The strong embracing hugs and "I Love You" both heard from and spoken to my family - husband, children and grandchildren.  The "I love you" spoken to friends.    These days have been full of serving at the retreat house, of praying with and for others, of texts, phone calls and conversations while sitting in comfy chairs with cups of tea.  The days have been full of the mundane and very regular ordinary - making beds in the rooms in the retreat house.  Folding laundry.  Taking out garbage.  And then, they have been filled with many thoughts of those who are walking through hard (extremely hard) days:  parents sitting at the bedside of a son who had chosen to die by suicide, and are praying for a "Lazarus" miracle as he lays alive but not responding in the hospital; or closer to me, holding the hand of my friend, who only a couple months before was active, fit, totally involved in life yet is now dying and in palliative care.

It is so easy to ask why God.  So easy.  I know that from when we lost our Jay Benjamin (July 24th, 2008) but I also learned something as we walked in our deepest grief ever.  It came through the words of my daughter-in-law Leah as she shared with me that God doesn't owe us anything even if we think he does.  (And we did feel that, or at least I did).  She also shared with me how we feel entitled.  Oh yes, I know I did.  

I also heard an aunt share  (years ago) at the memorial service of her nephew who was so young and in the great time of life as a young adult, only to have his life cut short through cancer.  She said that she asked him, "Todd do you ever ask God why you?" to which she said he replied that he didn't ask why, but instead said, "why not me".  

The sharing of those words made a huge, deep, lasting impression on me.  

Over the last while, there have been so many tears.  Happy.  Sad.  Extremely sad would be more like it.  I weep easily.   Many years ago (mid 90's)  I noticed I had begun weeping when I prayed for people.  My pastor at the time said "Joy, I think that is your prayer language. Since then the weeping has only increased.  In fact, truth be told I just wiped tears for a while as I prayed in the silence of my own house, with tears streaming down my cheeks.  I share that with you, not at all to flaunt a thing - please know that, but instead to share where God has me on in this journey called life.  

Tears have been my life.  And as I shared with someone in October, I feel like so many tears were shed on the gravel road (literally walking a gravel road first in Anola, and now along Henderson Hwy) that I have walked (and walked and walked) that it has keep the dust under control.  I am okay with those tears.  Thing is, they have increased in volume, and occasion.  Now it isn't just when I pray alone, but I have to choke back the tears that seem to come immediately when I pray for others.  Sometimes, this is a very very hard thing.  You know, especially when you are "wanting to be strong" for someone, it is hard if you are the one weeping all over them.  Often, I have to wait to even get the first words out.  But, I don't believe God wastes a single tear.  In fact, it says in Scripture 

Psalm 56:8, New Living Translation

8 

You keep track of all my sorrows.

    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

    You have recorded each one in your book.

I remember the day I found this Scripture, and the beauty that filled my soul when I read these words.  You see - again I say, not one of our tears is wasted.  WHY He collects them, and writes them down, its one of those things that I certainly do not understand!  However, I know God's ways and His thoughts are not mine - and I trust Him fully for all these things!!  I just figure that I have a lot of bottles stored up in Heaven!  

Today, I sit here, actually have been sitting her for the last almost 4 hours, with the exception of putting in laundry, or getting a cup of coffee.   I have made some decisions today.  One being that I will not be going onto facebook for a while.  I figure if anyone wants to contact me, they know my email or cell number.    But there has been a bigger decision that I feel God calling me to, and the ramifications of that (my prayer and belief is) that I will experience MORE of Him.  I have been asking Him to use me for His glory, and in whatever way He sees fit.  (that, I confessed to Him, is a little scary to give over, but I trust Him). I have asked Him to speak to me MORE - through dreams at night, or visions, or pictures (which He gave me this morning).  I have been asking him to wake me up in the night if He wishes for me to hear something from Him.  

Contrary to what some believe, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God speaks.  I have witnessed the audible voice of God.  I have also experienced the still small voice speaking - and the voice that speaks through other's - and the voice that always speaks through Scripture.  I say "contrary to what some believe" only because I know that many have never heard the voice of God, but I would encourage you, that you may think HE doesn't speak today, but I testify that He does!  Perhaps you are just not still enough or in a position where you can listen, or will want to hear.  Would love to talk with you more on that if you want - just email me joyandalvin@gmail.com.  I will arrange for that conversation to happen.

So I am waiting on HIM for more.  He, my Beloved, and I am His.  I read that, and I have heard him say that to me as well.  I am in the point of my life, in the midst of the joys and sorrows, the laughter and the tears, the full days and the less full days, with people and alone - I am at this point where I long for more of HIM.  Sitting with and pressing into the heart of my Father God, falling in love more with Jesus who gave his life for me!!  And experiencing more the presence of the Holy Spirit - the one whom Jesus promised would come when he went to be with his Father.  Yep, I know - I've heard it said that Christians should not live on experiences ... but let me tell you dear reader, that I have found that the more you live in and with the experience of the Spirit within, the more the Holy Spirit will bubble out of you and through you, in the every day ness of your life.  I want that.  I want MORE.  

I want more as I watch my family together.  I want more as I pray for my husband who is away doing some service work in the states.  I want more as I host, cook for and serve retreaters here at the ministry house.  I want more as I sit by the bed of my friend who is getting closer and closer to being with Jesus.  

Wanting more lines up with who I believe Jesus is - and what He said in Scripture.  Jesus told his disciples such in John 10:10     I love this verse so much I am giving it to you here in two translations - the NIV and also The Passion Translation

John 10:10 New International Version (NIV)

10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:10 The Passion Translation (TPT)

10 A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter,[a] and destroy. But I have come to give you everything in abundance, [b] more than you expect[c]—life in its fullness until you overflow!

So today this is my prayer - MORE OF YOU LORD.  Those words are covered with tears.  And I know He sees, He hears and He answers.  So I wait on Him for that.

In the midst of my daily life - I wait

More.  Please LORD. More.

with love,

J

PS.  can I ask - what about you? Is this your prayer as well