a year later and still standing...

Well, we celebrated Jay's birthday with a party. It was the hardest of days but one where we were also able to celebrate his little life! Although his life is BIG as he lives to the fullest in Heaven. My eyes felt like they had gravel in them once again.

The rest of the weekend was a real "thought provoking" weekend - mainly because I had alot of "alone time" since Alvin was working. Yesterday I was on my way into church for the worship service - and caught up in my thoughts as per usual in my way into the city (the half hour drive makes for some great thinking time/talking with God time)..

And I hear the song from Casting Crowns - Praise you in the Storm. All of a sudden my heart lifted - it was like "God, this is for me!!" It ministered to the deep broken places still in my being - and yet it also ministered HOPE into those places.

So I want to share this with you.

When I look back, a year ago, I really wondered if we would be "standing" at this time - and God has carried us, tended to our wounds, given strength to legs that could hardly stand, picked us up and held us, wiped our tears, cried tears with us over and over and over again.

God, thank you. I will praise you in the storm. It is hard to do that, but you have shown yourself faithful over and over again - and especially in those times when I have found it hard to admit that you ARE faithful. Thank you God for loving me so much, to do that for me.

The song is based on the Psalm 121 which is one of my favorites!!

"I look up to the mountains - does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth!
He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you will not slumber.
Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps.
The Lord himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.
The Lord keeps you from all harm.
and watches over your life.
The Lord Keeps watch over you as you come and go,
both now and forever."
Psalm 121 NLT

For those of you reading this - take heart and be encouraged. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the words! I hope they minister to you as well.

These are the words:
Praise You in This Storm words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
But once again,
I say amen and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone
how can I carry on if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

This Video Clip is from UTube - Casting Crowns - Praise you in this Storm
I hope I have downloaded it correctly - I am a little of an illiterate in the computer area -

Jesus will you please tell little Jay...

Jesus -
how I wish I could see my little grandson on his birthday - but Jesus I know that you are celebrating with him!
Would you tell Jay a few things for me?
First of all will you tell him how much I miss him. And how much I look forward to seeing him one day soon.
I know Jesus that to you, time means nothing, and to Jay - when he sees his mommy and daddy and us all - it will seem like a mere moment, while to us it seems like an eternity.

Can you tell him how much we have looked at his pictures and imagined what he looks like in heaven?
Somehow I have a picture of him being a "rough and tumble" little guy - with a big smile and lots of his mommy's curls.

Can you tell Jay how much his poppa misses him, and wishes that he was here wandering around the shop, trying to pick up tools, maybe petting Louis or Oreo.
His poppa had so many dreams and hopes of what they would do together - please tell Jay that his poppa misses him so much.
But we can only imagine how his great poppa and great granny and great grandpa are all enjoying Jay Benjamin.
Sometimes I imagine how they must laugh together, and run, and play, and likely he sits often with them, as they tell him stories.
Jesus - maybe you can tell my mom, my dad and my father in law - we miss them too, but we are so glad they are with Jay.

Can you tell Jay about his mommy and daddy. Although I figure that they have continually asked you to tell Jay things from them. Tell Jay how much he made them laugh when he was still inside his mommy. In fact, Jay made us all laugh.

Can you tell Jay how much we have loved how you and the Father have given us "blue jays" in our everyday life - and how we feel they are kisses from heaven to us - to remind us that Jay was such a gift, and that you Lord, continue to remind us that we are loved, even though we feel robbed.

Jesus - can you give Jay an extra big hug or two or three or more - from me. Tell him how much I wish I could hug him in person, but that will have to wait till we meet again.
Jesus please sing happy birthday to him - and tell him that today we are celebrating his life.
Jesus - can you please make him laugh alot today - even while we weep here below.
And Lord - can you also tell him that he will always be in our lives - and in our hearts - always.
Tell him that he is my first grandson - my first grandbaby - and will always hold that place in my heart.

Jesus tell him that I wish he was here so I could see his expression when he felt the wind across his face, or saw the beautiful color of the tiger lilys, or when he felt the fur of the cats. Tell him I wish he was here so I could smell him, and feel the softness of his skin, and look at his little fingers.
Tell him I wish he was here to makes us smile and laugh.

But in the meantime Jesus - thank you for being the one that is running, laughing, watching, playing and holding him. Really - he is in the greatest hands of all.
But oh how I wish they were mine.

Tell my grandson - Jay Benjamin - I love you so very much. Happy Birthday Jay.
love
Granny

mOrning thOts

My Personal Psalm:
A persona psalm of Joy, regarding a time when I was in a spiritual wilderness of life(Inspired after being led to read Psalm 63 during quiet reflection time on my spiritual retreat day off from work ~ July 22, 2009)

O God.
God ~ you are MY God
How I have searched for you.
My head knows you are right here, but my heart ~
My heart felt like you were a long way off.
The wilderness ~ dry, cracked, barren
I thirsted for your healing water
I LONGED to feel the warmth of your hand on my shoulder
The cool nights in the wilderness made me shiver and share
And I sometimes collapsed under the heat of the day ~ only to stay in a curled up ball during the chill of the dark nights
The dark ~
It never seemed to end
Day upon day ~ night upon night
And yet ~ I remembered your faithfulness to me in the past
And although I accused you of not being faithful ~
O God – in my heart I KNEW and still KNOW that YOU are.
I, in my limited vision ~ don’t see the full view.
In my limited understanding ~ don’t get it.
You remain mysterious in many ways,
And yet ~
And yet I trust!
Because I know ~ in spite of my pain and overwhelming loss ~ I know you are in control
And I know ~ in spite of our deep grief ~ you also weep with us.
As I put my head upon your chest and heart you heart ~ it beats with mine.
And as I sit wrapped in your presence ~ I feel the wetness of your tears falling and mingling with mine.
O how you love me. O Jesus.

O God ~ You are my God.
God of compassion ~
God who allows “life” to happen ~ the good ~ the bad ~ the ugly
And yet, you are right here to pick me up, to dust me off, to hold me and to carry me
And all along I keep hearing you whisper:
“I’m with you. Trust, even though you don’t understand.
I love you. Trust me on this!”
O God, You are my God
I search for you daily
My soul thirsts ~
But you refresh me through your Word and through your presence with me
I see you all over ~
Your fingerprints over creation and on life around me
Your love is extravagant ~ unconditional and unfailing
I bask in it. It covers me completely – love mixed with amazing grace.
You give me a “picture” as I write…
O Lord! It’s me isn’t it?
The picture is of a woman standing under a waterfall ~ head tilted upwards ~ arms raised high ~ water cascading down on me ~
On my face ~
My head ~
My shoulders ~
My body.
Every part of my being covered
Washed
Refreshed
Renewed
And I am smiling.
How I praise you.
Help me O Lord to praise you as long as I live.
And Lord ~ renew my mind
Renew my passion for you ~
My passion for serving you with all my being ~
For living ALL OUT! For YOU!

As I go to sleep at night ~ may my last thoughts as I drift into sleep ~be about you.
Pour into me while I sleep.
Speak to me ~ O Lord, please continue to speak to me through dreams and visions and through amazing “pictures” that you give to me.

As I walk through my waking moments ~ may I begin my day with you in praise and thankfulness.
May joy fill my soul each morning.

You hold me fast.
As I cling ~ I know that nothing can tear me out of your right hand
O Lord, what a comfort that is to know ~
That no matter how hard ~ how deep ~ how rough ~ how dark ~ how rocky ~ how stormy ~ no matter how many times I rant and rave or question you ~
That NOTHING can take me from your hand.
O Lord – thank you.

In my life – I will come across those who want to prove me wrong ~ to discourage me or to discredit your faithfulness to me
Some who speak may cause hurt ~
Some may cause confusion ~
There may be times of loneliness and pain ~
Times of misunderstanding and brokenness.
But Lord, help me to keep my eyes on YOU.

My walk with you ~ journey ~ is all that counts!
O Lord, find me faithful.
Help me to remember that when I feel down or discouraged ~ that I still need to rejoice in You
Because I KNOW what you have done in my past!
I KNOW what you are doing in my present.
And I KNOW that you will be as faithful in my future – even though I can’t see it.
That is a little scary being what we have walked through – or maybe I shouldn’t say scary but it is definitely blind trust – as I have no clue what the next day or days – the next month or months – the next year or years will hold.
BUT I know that YOU O God – YOU – hold the future, which includes my life and the lives of those I love.
And I will praise you ~
Father God, the great I AM
Jesus, my Lord and my Redeemer – and Holy Spirit who dwells within me.
Let all that is within me – Praise the Lord.
Hear my prayer.
Amen

looking forward to tomorrow

It is late. Contrary to the time that it shows on the bottom of the post - it is never correct - it is almost 11 pm. It has been a good day. Somehow whenever I begin with exercise at Curves - it just "sets" the day off well. A "pastoral roundtable" usually held in the senior pastor's office - today, the three of us women pastors met for breakfast at Perkins, and did our meeting there - devotional, heart check, meeting agenda and prayertime. It was good. It is different when it is just us girls - for no other reason than we are just women and are able to share in a very transparent way. No offense to men (smile) but somehow women are just a little more free to share. I love working with the women in our office - Pastor of Worship Theresa, Youth Pastor Shauna and office admin. Meggie.... I will miss these women who make me laugh daily!

The day was actually quite full of women encounters! A long conversation with my close friend Kim - she always seems to know when to call. I love that about Kim. Then a meeting with another woman who it was great talking to - and I was able to get a hug from my daughter Ash since she worked in the same office - and I had a fun chat with Ash and Carmyn (about a half hour long chat) before I left to return to the NK area of the city, so that I could finish my day in conversation over coffee with my longest standing friend Josie, who has been in my life for over 40 years.

I realize how God puts friends in our life - who are there to listen - to talk - to challenge - to help us sort through our messiness!! God, thank you for my friends - and for the way you have created women to be responders, compassionate and caring.

So now here I am - and figure I will get to bed. Somehow I feel like I will sleep well tonight. Alvin has fallen asleep in the lazy boy chair again. Who ever named such a chair!! Somehow it doesn't suit my husband - his is the least laziest man I have ever met... ever. I just love that guy!!

Tomorrow is my spiritual retreat day. I am not sure where I am going to spend it. Last month I went to Sunnyside cemetary and spent a good portion of my day there -
I may just stay put at home tomorrow - OR perhaps find a nice park and take my lawnchair. Time will tell. One thing I know - I am looking forward to spending time wtih my "Father".

I have a feeling that there are things we will talk about - me and God. I love that about Him. I love that he speaks to us! So, I will go to sleep and look forward to a day retreating with the Lord!

I keep hearing the phrase from a song - and it is my prayer especially for tomorrow.
"Spirit of the Living God - fall afresh on me!"

Night! This girls has to go and try to get some beauty sleep! (smile)

feeling messy

I feel "messy" these days - really messy.
I don't mean on the outside, although my house could use a good clean and a BFI bucket outside for purging (one of these days) BUT no, I mean I feel messy "Inside".

How do I describe what I am feeling - not sure, but perhaps I can try.
Feeling "alone" even when I am surrounded by people. Feeling like my thoughts that are running wild in my head NEVER seem to stop. (which is why perhaps people choose to self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, or in my case - emotional eating)
I feel like a "pinball - that is weaving its way around the pinball machine, hitting miscellaneous bumpers, and then shooting off in another direction."

I feel tired - and yet when I go to sleep - sleep doesn't want to come easily. Tossing and turning, and tossing some more - only to finally fall into a decent sleep sometime between 4 and 5 am.

I feel like I am waiting to exhale - and maybe I am.
Personally, I believe it is all about moving closer to the day when my Grandson was born. And the day that our hopes came crashing and laid in a million pieces around us. Sometimes I wonder if God will find all those shattered pieces - but the better part of me says God knows exactly where each piece is, and where it fits, and how He is somehow going to make our hearts whole again.

Yesterday I had someone whom I will call a friend - tell me how her grief has been. She has lost a husband. Her gentle eyes looked into mine, as she told me that she will not be, and nor will we be - ever be, the same again. I knew that. I feel that. I see it in my own eyes. Sometimes I wonder if my friends see it too.

I have already had a couple people email me, or facebook me saying they were already praying me and our family through this week...
Where would I be without such friends - who don't try to fix things but instead just say they are praying because they can only imagine how hard it is and will be.
This week - this Friday will be my Grandson Jay Benjamin's first birthday. Even as I write that line, I am weeping.

It is just so hard, so terribly hard, not to feel so cheated and ripped off. And once again, I am finding the "why God?'s " are coming out of my mouth and thoughts?

We are so different - and trying to figure out how to walk as "changed" people.
It is like looking through glasses with a different lens - and it just looks so different.

Today - I checked my email, and here was another very timely email from Grief Share... timely... very timely.

Set Apart Through Grief

Many people become wiser, more humane, more compassionate, more fully human after experiencing grief. In this way, grief sets you apart. People who have gone through it are different.

"It will change you," says Sylvia, whose parents died. "You will do a 180-degree turn. When you go to a funeral home, from then on you will know what those people are going through; you'll know what you can do to help them.

"Before that, I would go shake hands, go to the line and say, 'I'm sorry.' And I didn't understand. But after you've lost a loved one, you have a totally different concept of what they're going through. I think you can be a better minister, and I think God gives you some of these things to use in your own personal ministry. So it will change you."

Change is difficult, and all people experience change throughout their lives. God, though, remains the same-—a solid refuge and fortress.

"I the Lord do not change" (Malachi 3:6).

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8).

Sovereign God, You never change. I can put my anchor in You and know I will remain secure. Lord, I want You to be the foundation of my life so that I will make it through life's difficult times. Amen.


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thoughts gleaned while driving home

Sometimes I think I should try to figure out how many hours I have driven in my car -and how many miles. I figure that based on the fact that we have lived out here almost 26 years, and have driven in daily for most of that time - at 43 kms one way - hmmm... an hour a day ... yep, maybe I would rather not know!!
Thing is - as much as I have complained about the drive - I am going to miss it when we move. You see the drive into the city, and home again, (especially when I drive alone, which is most of the time) I really love the "thinking time" . In the past it has been time when I have at times prayed out loud the whole trip. The other day I sang (with all my might I will add) on the way in! Sometimes I have cried as I have driven. Such it was tonight. Out of no where - came the tears - they actually took me quite off guard. I know exactly why they came - and they were all about my grandson. His birthday is a week away. I realize that some of our acquaintances perhaps even some friends, may breath a collective sigh, thinking that once a year has passed - it will all be "okay" ~ but we know better, even if sometimes when people ask how I am - I say "okay" - as that is usually an easier answer when passing by.

Anyhow - tonight I cried on the way home. And lately I have felt the cold reality - course through my being - sometimes I think it is too hard feeling reality - but then again - I know God gives me strength again and again and again!

I got home a little while ago - its quiet as Alvin is at work. Thought I would check emails, and found the daily grief share email. Sometimes I delete them but lately I have been reading them again.

Here is a quote from today's - God Uses Low Places (daily Email from Grief Share)

There are some lessons in life that you only learn through times of grief or suffering. This is why it is important that you do not waste your sorrows. Times of suffering show you your limitations and how needy you really are.

Dr. Larry Crabb shares his initial reaction to the news of his brother's death: "I came outside and I remember my wife was waiting for me out in the car, and as I came out, I just stood there and said, 'Bill's dead.' It was just a very, very strong moment. But as I recall that moment, I think my first internal deep reaction was not despair. I think my first reaction at that moment was I must find God as I have never found Him before or I'm not going to make it."

People are needy. The world wants you to be tough, strong, and independent. God wants you to lean on Him. God's way is right and wise. Depend on Him as you have never done before, and you will find true peace and power that can never be achieved on your own.

~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back, I realize that my first instincts also, were to turn to God for strength. It was really easy at first to go to him - but man did it get hard around week two or three when all of a sudden I began to question his faithfulness - or why He allowed such tragedy? I spent alot of time ranting and raving and yes, accusing God of being unfaithful. O Lord, thank you for loving me and for letting me wrestle through each day and still wrap your arms around me and hold me close! I have realized many things - and one of them is that you are faithful. O Lord, I don't get it, but I know you are faithful. I know that I don't have to understand - to be able to live in your peace and power! Lord, thank you for seeing my tears and for gently enveloping me with your presence!

ps...dear friends who read this blog - I feel like I have rambled tonight - but it is the space I am in.... thoughts tumbling one on top of another. Hope there is something within this blog that makes sense. If nothing else - just know that God is a GOD who picks up pieces and begins to bring them together over time - at least that is my experience. And he does it with such great love - can't explain it, but I can feel it. And I know it is real.

what really matters?

glimpses from the past week -
- working with Love Lives Here last Thursday night - wow, thank you God for teaching me and allowing me to see how beautiful people are to you
- feeling the warm sun on my skin (even if it made this 51 year old swet!)
- texts from my kids - what would I do without the love and friendship of my four kids?
- visits with family - Thank you God for extended family visits - which happened over two lunches, a supper, and a breakfast! (and coffee in between!)
- a few good laughs!
- watching trees bend before and during the storm - Lord God - you speak through creation!
- walking at our new land - Thank you Lord for your Vision entrusted to me - Lord may you find me faithful and bold!
- lunch with Kim and Linda (many good laughs!)
- an impromtu coffee with Vi and Diane at Mountain Bean (thank you Lord for old friends)
- an impromtu drop-in from Jeanne - thank you Lord for a big hug!
- an amazing and delicious supper with Karis and Frank - Lord, thank you for their friendship - bless their relationship!
- and then of course there are the great coffee times with the staff at church - this week it is all women! Many laughs around the table!!
- and my husband - who continues to love me day in, day out - and tell me how much I mean to him, Thank you God for my man!

There are many more glimpses from the past week - but those are just some of them.
As I was telling someone yesterday - my life is all seen differently now since my Grandson's birth. Very differently! Through a much different lens. Then, I came to my computer this morning, and found the daily email from Grief Share
and just knew that I needed to share it with you because it is about what really matters.

What Really Matters?


Grief has a way of shaping you and turning your attention away from the busyness of life to what really matters. People in today's fast-paced culture do not stop long enough to contemplate the significant questions of life.

What is important in life?

Look at the big picture. Your life on earth encompasses a short time frame when compared to eternal life. You are an eternal being. You are made to live forever. Keep this in perspective.

So the question best asked is, what is important in this life that will extend into eternity?

Dr. Joseph Stowell emphasizes the importance of living today in light of the world to come: "When you really embrace the world to come and bring it back into the world of your own life, everything is radically rearranged. One of the things that is rearranged is your values. For instance, this world tends to value self, tends to value things, and tends to value accomplishment and personal success.

"When you're really committed to the world to come and understand the depth and importance of it, you begin to value other things—like people. People are the only things going on to eternity. So I tend to value my children differently; I tend to value my neighbors differently; I tend to see the people I work with differently. I see them in light of their own eternal destiny."

Do not be uninformed about life's significance.

"It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart" (Ecclesiastes 7:2).

Living God, teach me to open my heart and embrace the knowledge that life after death is an important reality that must be acknowledged in my daily life. Help me to live my life in light of eternity. Amen.


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