Darkness is my closest Friend ..... musings at 3:30 am

I have tossed and turned in bed since I hopped in at 11 pm or so. A couple times I have thought of the prescription my Doctor gave me to fill a couple weeks ago....
She asked how I was sleeping. I said, that it wasn't good. So she said I needed a prescription for sleeping pills, because I had to be able to get some rest.

Seems sleep is not coming tonight. Perhaps I should fill it and take them. Although I have never been a fan of the pills, so most likely will just continue to toss and turn. It has been good thinking time I guess. And talking to God time -
but I just can't lay there any longer with my thoughts - and with my anxiety. There is lots of that these days. The feeling that washes over me usually a couple times a day.... a weird feeling, that involves my heart, makes it race, or sometimes it literally feels like I am on a ride, with that "falling inside" feeling. The weirdest thing is that on Sunday, Alvin was describing something very similar. We had not talked about it before. I guess because talking about it makes it feel real.

For the first hour, while I laid in bed, it seemed that was what I was experiencing. And then, the other thing lately, is this "wash" over me of intense, intense pain... that takes me right back to the hospital when I held Jay, and prayed that God would start his heart...
The wash of pain over me comes out of no where, but its increased intensity is something that can not be denied. Weird thing... Alvin was describing this the other day as we left Sunnyside cemetary. It always feels intense, but these "washes" are far more intense and so so real...

Sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy.... but I know I am not.

Tonight as I laid in bed, I kept thinking of the line "Darkness is my closest friend..." and I realize that within that line there is both truth and lies.... the reality is that if this is what a friend looks like, I want no part of it, and yet, it is my constant companion. Some day, God, will the darkness lift?

My doctor keeps telling me it is grief.
My counsellor Mary tells me the same thing.
My daily devotionals in my email inbox say the same.
Grief.....

While I am sitting here, I look outside, and everything is still - black - nothing is moving. Night is a lonely time. I remember when I used to get up with my babies at night and look out the window and feel like I was the only one awake in the middle of the night. What we wouldn't give to be the only ones awake, holding our little grandson...

I remember when I was so sick and in the hospital .... and nighttime was the hardest time... especially in March 06 - the time that I almost died....
I wonder about that alot. God, I am glad you spared me that day... so that I could walk through this time with my family.... although I wish you had not given this to us as our journey.

Today is the last day of the year. Dec. 31st. 2008.
Looking back, I see that there was incredible joy within this year...
In chronilogical order:
Began 2008 knowing that we were going to be grandparents
Josh's birthday
Our service trip to Thailand
Mike asks for Ashley's hand in marriage
Alvin's birthday
Ashley's "magic" birthday
Our family trip to Cuba
Ashley and Mike get engaged in Cuba
Leah's birthday
Our surprise party put on by our children - huge surprise - party to celebrate Alvin and I turning 50, becoming grandparents, celebrating our 30th anniversary and Ash and Mike's wedding.
My birthday
I made my first rag quilt especially for my grandson!
Our Grandson Jay was born...
Ashley and Michael get married.
Spending Christmas alone with our kids.

The Hardest things in 2008
Jay was born silently... our hopes were shattered.
Navigating through pain of such great loss
Figuring out how to care for our family as we grieve together, and at different layers...
Each Month as it ticks off...
Hearing/seeing new babies - only intensifies our loss. God, how do we figure out how to do this?
Christmas 2008

On the cusp of a new year.... O God, help me to remember the joy of this past year. It is so easily denied due to the pain and grief, and yet, in the year, there was joy that we experienced.

My friend gave me a little silver pin that says joy.... she gave it to me to "wear on my heart until joy returns in my heart." I know what would bring joy. I wait on God for restore that joy. Perhaps very soon. God, please bring joy...