Going through the motions...

I am done. Today, I wrote my exam. My one and only exam. My first university course in 20 years. And, well, I likely could have done better, but I think I did okay. What a relief. How does something feel lifegiving and life sapping at the same time. I wondered if now was the right time to study. Working fulltime, studying and trying to work through my grief = hard work. Anyhow, today, at 3 pm, I was finished. I thought I was going to take a couple courses next semester. Then again, I had thought I was going to do something else. Funny how plans can completely change. And, I am totally okay with it all.

So, the question I was asked today, at least twice, was if I had done my Christmas shopping. Really? Christmas? I am struggling with Christmas this year. I guess really, I am struggling with a few things. That's no surprise though is it?

Everything is changed this year. It is all different. I don't even want to think ahead to far. Something tells me I am going to be a bit of a mess this Christmas.
And yet, I want to be there, "in tact" for my kids. Somehow, it just feels like I am going through the motions. Somehow things just don't seem to matter much. I don't think I am a "scrooge" - I just feel like emotionally, I am all out.

I was thinking today about how this christmas was supposed to be different. Or we thought so anyway. I am struggling with seeing families with babies the age that Jay would have been. Not that I am mad. I just feel so sad, so ripped off, so incredibly empty armed! I can hardly even spend time thinking about how my kids feel - they are suffering at the ground level.
I just don't want to do "the happy thing"..... I just don't have the strength emotionally. Yesterday at church, someone asked me how I was. I said, I was okay. He said "only okay?" I said, "yes, considering it all, I am only okay."
Part of me wanted to scream. The biggest part of me just wanted to crumple into a heap and cry. I save those things for when I am alone. I guess that is part of self-preservation.

Anyhow, on Saturday, after I got home from a women's brunch that was themed "miracles" - I sat at the table. I had preached on HAVING FAITH AND EXPECTING MIRACLES. I still wear the bracelets with the same inscription. Somehow though, I feel like I am all out in that department. Not sure, perhaps that makes me null and void in what I do for a living? (pastoral). I am just struggling..... not with the sovereignty of God... but with waiting for him/expecting from him/wanting to see him/hear him/experience Him. I feel let down. Hmmm I used to feel like saying those things out loud was a bad thing. But God knows me to the core, and I figure He can take all my stuff and help me work through it.
So, back to Saturday.... my new son Michael was out for the day, and I think my husband asked him, but anyhow, Michael went and picked out a tree for us... a real tree. Personally, I was just ready to either a) not put one up or b) go buy an artificial one. Anyhow, Alvin also mentioned that it would be nice to decorate (or it would be nice if I chose to decorate, as he doesn't normally get involved in sprucing up the house for christmas). So, down I went to the basement. Up I came. I have to admit, I had a really really bad attitude, and perhaps still do. When he came in and commented on how beautiful the garlands and white lights looked, I said I only did it because he asked. Yes, bad attitude alright.
So I put up garland and white lights, and mixed tears and deep sighs interspersed...
It was the hardest decorating I have done.

That night, the kids came back. I don't think Michael realized what a great thing he had done for me in buying the tree, because as I look at it, it really is beautiful, and it smells soooooo nice! And, as I laid in bed that night, I left the white lights on, so the garland on the railing of our balcony overlooking our living room - it cast a soft glow. I love the look of that. I realize that there was a little joy that came out of the decorating, even if I did do it with a bad attitude.

Yesterday I sat in church, and listened as the congregation and worship team sang JOY TO THE WORLD. Somehow, I just could not sing. Somehow, I am wondering how the rest of the stuff will come together. Perhaps it is a good thing that there is some numbness, so that I can go through the motions of preparing... and save the energy for the day when we gather as our little family together.

I don't know how to do this. I wish like crazy that this was not my/our lot. Somehow God, I just really need to experience you before Christmas - perhaps a still small voice? or perhaps some type of miracle? or perhaps you could send me one of your "kisses" to show me you are here. I know you are - in my head. But somehow, somehow God, I just really need more. Hope that's not a bad thing to ask for. Right now, that would be the most amazing gift of all! We just need to experience your power somehow in our brokenness.... me, Alvin, our kids. O GOD, we need to experience YOU. God, this is really what we need. Lord, have mercy.