Without my Grandson

Today my little grandson would have been six months. I have thought alot about him today. About what he would have been doing, and how he would have been smiling alot. And, it is hard to think of all that, as it makes me realize how much we are missing out on his life...
At the same time, tonight, I was thinking about my mom.... and I just had this picture of her, Granny T.... in heaven, and likely playing with Jay.... or holding him, or singing "Mommy's Little Baby love Shortening..." or "Bye Baby Bunting" just the way she used to hold me, and then how she used to hold my kids, Josh and Ashley and sing.

Today we are in Texas.... visiting with Jay's "Great Aunt" and my sister, Mary-Ann and Nelson. It is beautiful here. I felt the sand between my toes. But even here, my thoughts of my grandson are along with me, just as my little brag book, is upstairs by my bed.

Today Alvin and I talked about Jay. We talked about how he would have been at 6 months. We talked about when we have more grandchildren. I have carried my kids around in my heart all day, but that is nothing new... that is where the four of them are on a regular basis.

Today,I talked with my sister and brother in law about my leave of absense. About the hurt, the grieving, the pain, the miscommunication .... Today it feels like I have begun to breathe again, and although life is not normal, and hasn't been since the 24th of July... it does feel like I can start to exhale... and to dream....
And I feel like I can pray again.... and I do, OFTEN.... in fact, God already knows the words on my lips.

Today I realize that it was necessary for me to go through the hard stuff of ministry to get to this point of being off. I have begun to work through the grief... "begun" being the word... I think this beginning stage will be where I am for a long time. But, I feel like I am starting to have the space to begin, and start the process of grieving, which I have just kept putting back in my being while I have cared for others. Now, it is time that we care, that I care for me, and my family. Thank you God for this leave.

Today, my grandson would have been 6 months old. He would have known my voice, and my arms and how they feel. I only know that I miss him more than words can say, and that my arms are empty. I took daisies by the cemetary yesterday, before we left... it was so snowed in, we had to park and walk in the bitter cold. Our stop at his gravesite is very brief, but necessary for me to do. Jay Benjamin Klassen - born silently on July 24th - perfect! Oh God, today, I thank you for the life of my little grandson, although it was brief. I thank you for the kicks we witnessed. I thank you that I was able to feel him and watch his movement while Leah carried him. I thank you for the time of anticipating his birth - and for the many times we watched Leah and Josh laugh at his tumbles and turns in utero. I thank you for how beautiful and perfect he was. But God, right now, I can not thank you for allowing him to be born silently. Right now, there is nothing good about that. In fact, it feels cruel. But, I do thank you, that although it feels like there is no hope - that you are going to bring joy in the morning, and that hope will come soon. To that Jesus, I am clinging. Thank you for my kids. Thank you for my grandson. Thank you for this time away, and for allowing me to begin the road of processing my grief. Jesus. Thank you for carrying me today, yesterday, tomorrow and always.
Please carry my kids too.