Last Sunday, I went with my daughter (in-law) Leah, to the church that she and my son go to. It was the first time I have been in church in a long time...... (I figure in 50 years of going to church every Sunday, sometimes twice a sunday, for the first 20 years of my life) perhaps I have missed MAYBE 4 Sundays a year. Maybe.
Right now, I am thankful for our decision (Alvin and mine) to step right out of the church that I am on pastoral staff at, to just take time away, with no expectations or demands, or anything. I need that right now. Perhaps some may see it as selfish, but I see it as part of my healing process. Anyhow, back to Sunday. Leah and I got there a little late, and sat down. I love worship, and we had actually missed some of it I think. But we sang one song, that resonated with me.
It was somewhat new to me, although I have since heard it on the christian radio station. It is called, "How Can I Keep from Singing" and it is by Chris Tomlin.
One verse said, "and though the storms may come, I am holding on, To the rock I cling." hmmmm..... clinging, I know about that. Clinging so tightly that I am white-knuckled. Another verse says, "I wil lift my eyes, in the darkest night, For I know my Saviour lives. And I will walk with You , Knowing you'll see me through, and sing the songs You give"
This morning I walked... me an my faithful Oreo... although faithful as he is, he never walks beside me, always ahead as if he has to scout out the trail. Perhaps he is. Anyhow, as I walked, I thought of a few things, but this song kept on playing in my head.... It's a song about singing no matter what. Singing in troubled times, singing when I win, when I lose my step and fall down. It is about singing cause He picks me up, and He is there, about singing because I know that God hears me when I call out in prayer. Hmmmm..... there it is again. That same old doubt that has plagued me for what seems like forever, when it is just the past 7 months. (since July 24, 2008 - the day my grandson was born silently)
I kept thinking, I love to sing... but right now I don't sing alot. Why not? I also was thinking that I love to sing, but right now I don't want to sing, because I am shattered, and broken... but He wants me to sing!!
As I turned to walk the second round, all of a sudden another song came clearly to my mind. One of the most beautiful songs, and yet one that will forever be attached to the beautiful pictures of my grandson Jay Benjamin. When Jeremy Hiebert came and took pictures for Josh and Leah, of our little Jay, he then put them on a DVD and attached this song to them. (www.jeremyhiebert.ca/jaybenjaminklassen)
I put it on my blog before but I feel the need to once again remind myself of the words, and ask myself.... God, do I really believe.
This song is actually off the album by Vineyard Music, titled BELIEVE.
I share the words with you again.
YET I WILL PRAISE
words and music by Andy Park
I will praise You, Lord my God
Even in my brokenness
I will praise You Lord.
I will praise you, Lord my God
Even in my desperation
I will praise You Lord.
And I can't understand
All that You allow
I just can't see the reason
But my life is in Your hands
And thought I cannot see You
I choose to Trust You
Even when my heart is torn
I will praise You Lord
Even when I feel deserted
I will praise You Lord
Even in the darkest valley
I will praise You Lord
And when my world is shattered
And it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord
I will trust You, Lord my God
Even in my loneliness
I will trust You Lord
i will trust You, Lord my God
Even when I cannot hear You
I will trust You Lord
And I will not forget
That You hung on a cross
Lord You beld and deid for me
And if I have to suffer
I know that You've been there
And I know that You're here now.
Even when my heart is torn
I will trust You Lord
Even when I feel deserted
I will trust You Lord
Even in the darkest valley
I will trust You Lord
And when my world is shattered
And it seems all hope is gone.
Yet I will praise you Lord.
~~~~~~~~~~
Today, my little grandson Jay Benjamin Klassen, born perfect but silently, would have been 7 months.
broken ~ desparation ~ can't understand ~ can't see the reason ~ cannot see You ~ heart is torn ~ deserted ~ darkest valley ~ world is shattered ~ seems all hope is gone ~ loneliness ~
O Lord have mercy.
I weep. I pray. I wait. We all do.
Yet, I WILL PRAISE YOU LORD.
"And though the storms may come, I am holding on, To the rock I cling." (Chris Tomlin)
1 comment:
Oh Joy - may the tears keep coming and keep remembering that God catches them in a bottle like you told Ashley. As the tears come, may there be more and more evidence in your heart and around you that God is there. May you keep asking the whys and trust that God knows the answers and may you know more and more of his presence once again.
Love,
Jeannette
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