miscellaneous thoughts

Somehow I just can't help it - like I have said before, I wish there was an inner computer that recorded all my thoughts so I could review them at the end of the day and see if anything made sense.

The underlying thought is that life is just plain hard. Sometimes I will be honest, I look at others who seemingly "have it all together" and I have asked God, "why more, why us?" And then I guess the thing is "why not us?" I realize as I review my life over the past almost a year - I see that through the hardest of things - I guess I have grown out of it. Funny how God can use brokenness.

Today I am at home - and I think feeling a little tired, and well, very emotional.
Seems my resignation has been emotionally harder than I thought. While the weight came off my chest once I made the announcement, I never realized the sadness and lonliness that would accompany the "feeling invisible" part that follows. My counsellor said that is part of every resignation. And I believe it. So that has caused some "weepy feelings" on my part. Not to be confused with regret however. I don't regret following God even though I don't know all the steps.

While I am at home now - we will leave soon to return to the hospital. I was there till later last night - after admitting Mom Klassen through emergency. So many thoughts as she slept in little intervals, and I watched. Almost hard to recognize her - and its one of those times when I wonder "God, why does she have to go through this."

I was reminded again of what I learned while I walked through my time off about diamonds being made under extreme heat and intense pressure. Hmmm.... one day, maybe I'll have a little sparkle to me!

Anyhow, like I said, the emotions/feelings are all over the map. There is this weird lonliness happening - not sure how to pinpoint it - because I am really not "lonely" - especially not with Alvin around. I thank God for him, as in these times, he always provides some comic relief that is much needed.
I realize I internalize and process things differently than some, even differently than him. It's okay. It's just hard sometimes.

While thinking this morning, God laid a psalm on my mind again.... think he had given me this one before, not too long ago.

These verses are for me today -
Psalm 32: 7,8 and 10b

For you are my hiding place;
You protect me from trouble
You surround me with songs of victory
(interlude)
The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life
I will advise you and watch over you..."
...Unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord.

Hmmm... notice he says that the Lord will guide me along the BEST pathway for my life. No choice - I just need to continue to follow - one step at a time.
O Lord, be my strength, be my guide. Fill me with your strength as we navigate through life - give strength to Mom K. as she also needs it - and Lord, help me to hear you. Take away the lonliness or whatever it is - maybe that's not the word. But please help me to work through each emotion, each minute of each day.
I love you Jesus. Hear my prayer.