Friday, May 22

Do you think I'm beautiful?

Do you think I am beautiful?  This is a book, and a Bible study that is written by Angela Thomas.  I have decided to finally read the book, and do the study.  I need to.  This is a question that I wrestle with - lately, I am wrestling with it a lot.  

I have chosen to do this study as I realize I have once again been struggling with things in my life.  My weight.  My eating.  My self-worth.  It is all tied up together in a not so neat little ball of stuff.  Messy.  Ugly.  Unwanted stuff.
How do I unravel the big messy ball?  Or do I just try getting rid of it - by throwing it out - or pushing it back into a corner or a closet - hopefully never to resurface again.  Not likely.  I am not sticking my head in the sand.  I know that life is messy and that life is hard.  I just somehow thought I had perhaps moved past this stuff.  The stuff that makes me reflect and wonder and sometimes weep - but often feel paralyzed as if knowing the answers would free me to become more of me - or more of what I want to be.  Hmmm... LIFE.  Gotta love it.

My journey - a good journey but often a hard one.  My lettering on the wall into our private suite says “there is joy in the journey.”  As I am running the stairs some weeks as part of my work-out, I see the “there is joy in the journey” and smile through my sometimes gritted teeth lol.  My journal says Life is a journey not a destination.  I feel like I know all the things I need to know - I have all the answers - I have read the books - given the advice yada yada ... oh sigh **

This is a journey.  I knew it would not be an easy one.  Journeying with Jesus doesn’t mean life would be easy ... and well, why am I surprised.  I do believe however, that without HIM, I would be more of a mess than I am!  So with that, I am thankful for his grace and mercy and care in my life.  I know that He wants me whole and healthy - body soul, mind and spirit.  I know that the struggles in my life that affect my day to day - eating and weight issues - are intricately webbed within one another.  The spiritual - is the main part of me and one that is greatly affected by the other and also greatly affects the other.  When my life is right with the LORD, things fall into place. 

Sometimes I struggle and wonder why at this age of almost 57 (in two weeks) do I still struggle with the same old, same old??  Seriously??  WHY?

Hmmm... there is so much for me to learn, and I hope some of it I will have learned on this side of heaven in the years ahead.  I want to keep learning until the day God takes me home to be with Him.  

It is no secret - I am pretty open with this - that I have struggled with feeling beautiful.  I have a hard time being convinced of that.  I struggle with the good compliments.  I look in the mirror and see the flaws that are becoming more obvious as I age ..
I want women to see first and foremost how beautiful they are in the eyes of GOD (instead of wanting to feel beautiful in the eyes of their spouse/significant other/world) and yet I have been shown (and have come completely undone in the process) that THIS girl doesn’t truly believe it for myself.  Hmmm...  seems I have to learn the lessons before I can help others learn them.  O LORD help me ... please help me believe it for myself.

Did something happen in my past?  Did I feel “less than” ... did someone hurt or offend me?  Was I made to feel ugly?  REALLY ... whether I say yes or no - does it matter?  In the long run - does it really matter if I can put my finger on something - as if making me see when and why would help me get on with life now and begin to feel beautiful?  Would blaming something or someone make me feel like I can start believing and stop listening to the lies that echo in my head alot?

Perhaps I haven’t really come to know who I am because I have been scared to try to figure that out for whatever reason?  I haven’t known the heart of the woman inside of me.  I really want that to change.  I want to change.  I want to believe that I AM truly beautiful in God’s eyes and that is all that matters... regardless of how often or how my husband affirms my beauty (or not).  It is only a bonus coming from him, because all that really matters is that I know that HE loves me most, and intimately, and thinks I am absolutely beautiful!  

I want that.  I want to believe it.
I want to put an end to the lies I have believed all my life.
The self doubt.  The self condemnation.  The  put downs.
Because it is just that - lies!!  Lies that satan, the deceiver want me to believe so that I stay insignificant and feeling useless and like a failure and that my self-worth stays low.

I want to be a strong woman - an overcomer, a strong believer - and I know it is the Lord who will help me through this - so that I can become not only a woman who believes I am beautiful in HIS eyes - regardless of the rest of the world around me - but also become a woman who is courageous and alive!!  It is in Him that I see how beautiful and how much worth I have.  

YES ...  this is what I want.
O Lord - my love, my life ... my strength.
Please help me as I get to know my heart and how it is so enveloped by yours.
I want to feel beautiful.  I want to believe it all the time - with all my heart, and I can only do it in your strength.  Please LORD.  I need you.