Monday, April 30

just one of those days

it is just one of those days
sunny yet blue if you know what I mean
haven't had a day like this in a long time
in fact
it has been a very long time
no rhyme or reason
it is what it is

in the midst of the grey blueness of my day
i think
i think alot actually
and find someone to talk to
who doesn't know me from Eve
but who seems to want to listen
because if I can tell someone that I am not emotionally tied to
then I can talk without tears

I don't want to cry today

today is one of those days
I have described my life to someone  as living a "new normal"
I have thought about the transient life I have lived (albeit by choice)
I have thought about the building project we are doing (because God chose the project for us)
I have wondered if, if I could "go back in time" ~ would we be doing this building
this transient living
this month after month after month of thinking "soon, it will be done soon"
I have thought ahead a couple years and wished we were already there
there are so many thoughts, it is a good thing that most of them are left unopened!

today is one of those days when
I wish I could check into my own retreat house

today is one of those days when
it is likely easier and better NOT to think and try to process all the random thoughts crossing my head
and when it would just be better to sit on the porch and relax
or maybe just write a post on my blog
that really
amounts to nothing more than some random musings of a middle aged woman!

i know that this post
will mean absolutely nothing to the average reader
or it may make you think
that girl is losing it again!

but I am not!
I just identify the feeling and color of the day
and speak some of my random thoughts out LOUD.

Now aren't you glad you read this?

I am okay.
I am.

Tuesday, April 24

impromptu PicNic

an impromptu picnic
sitting on blankets
on the land
that belongs to my kids
the wind was strong
but the fellowship was sweet
as we hunkered down together
sitting in a tight little circle
eating yummy sandwiches
and vegetables with dip

an impromptu picnic
with an invitation given by text
and a heartily YES
when i asked my husband if he wanted to join the kids
and the grandkids
at the land

an impromptu picnic
carrots thrown into the grass
for the rabbits
everett is always thinking of something!
a lot of story telling
by a little guy who loves to laugh
and make us laugh

an impromptu picnic
little baby rogie fast asleep in his car seat
while everett runs
and slides
and runs some more
if i could only harness a bit of that energy

an impromptu picnic
at the land where
our kids and grandkids will live
one family to build this summer
and one family to build the next
and only short kms away from alvin and i

an impromptu picnic
building memories
as a foundation for all the memories to come
and we

Friday, April 20

fOOd fOr thOt

The follow quote is from a book called Journey for Justice : How "Project Angel" cracked the Candace Derksen case.  It is written by Mike McIntyre.

I read this book while we were on holidays with the kids.  I have also read (when it first came out) the book written by Wilma Derksen, about her daughter's abduction and death, called HAVE YOU SEEN CANDACE.  Both of these books are very moving.  I can not imagine any of it actually.  But Wilma sure gave us an insight into their life, their thoughts, their emotions, their souls during this terrible time.

I have had the privilege to hear Wilma speak a couple times.  Once they shared in our Adult Sunday School class.  Most lately, I went to a women's Christmas brunch, and Wilma shared about her most recent part of her journey - that being the trial, and the question that she knew someone would no doubt ask - Will you/Can you forgive.

Toward the end of Journey for Justice, Mike writes about when Wilma and Cliff do NOT read a "victim impact" statement at the trial, cut instead they invite who ever wants to come over, for a meal together and they will read their "victim impact statement" then, and also invite anyone else to speak.  One person, Mike writes about, recalled a conversation that Cliff had with him.  This is what it says in the book (Journey for Justice, page 314-315):
"Cliff shared with me these words of wisdom: 'When we suffer something hugely traumatic and unjust, the experience stays with us for our entire life.  Forgiveness concerning that traumatic injustice becomes a lifelong process.  We have to continually choose forgiveness over and over and over, as we move through the various stages of life, and continually re-examine our past experiences and our continually evolving perspective on those experiences.  It's NOT a one-time for all-time deal. '"
I don't think it is at all coincidence that I read this book when I did.  While I do not relate the abduction story, there are aspects of his words on suffering something traumatic and unjust, that stays with us for a lifetime.  AND the part about forgiveness concerning the injustice becoming a lifelong process ... oh yes.

I always "thought" I was a forgiving person.  My personality is usually one of a peacemaker/peacekeeper.  I have found that sometimes, it is ONLY GOD that brings peace to an experience.  I have found that sometimes people are either oblivious to the effects of what their words/actions/non-actions (when there should have been some action) has caused.  I have wrestled with God on forgiveness (especially when there is nothing like an apology or an "I'm sorry" given).
I have spoken the words "I forgive you" when they didn't ask for forgiveness.

And lately, during the past couple weeks, I have been reminded again how stress/hurt can cause physical manifestations in a person.  It has been hard to rehash and even harder to see someone I love hurting.   Let it go.  That has been our mantra.  Give it to God.

I know that at times some people may just think "get on with life for Pete's sake already" but then our closest friends say "we are here for you.  we see that it hurts."  They validate our pain. (still)  They don't give "pat" answers.  They hug.  They listen.  They weep with us.  (STILL)

One day it won't hurt as much.  It won't rear its ugly head as much.  One day we will look at that as a chapter in our lives.  It is our prayer that through this, that it will get easier.  It is our prayer that God will do a work in US.  It is our prayer that one day, we will see how HE has brought us on this journey called life.  THIS is my prayer for me, for my husband, for my family.

IF you are thinking "man Joy, you keep bringing it up - " I can not guarantee this will be the last.  I hope it will be, but I am not sure.  But then again, this IS my blog, and a place where I can write my heart thoughts down.   the GOOD.  the BAD.  and  the UGLY.  and the VERY REAL.
This is part of my journey ~ O Lord.  Thank you for YOUR example of forgiveness for ME!!  Help me to extend that grace to others.  Amen.

 (the picture was taken off of the internet, although I could not find out who drew it.  Hope it was okay to copy and paste.  I found it on

Wednesday, April 18

morning by morning

Great is Thy faithfulness

morning by morning new mercies I see...

I woke up with some songs on my heart.  One of them is GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS

"Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!  Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided - 
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.
© 1923. Ren. 1951 Hope Publishing Co., Carol Stream, IL 60188
All rights reserved.  Used by permission.

unless a seed falls to the ground and dies ...

taken one summer evening last year 2011

one morning at the cottage, Alvin and I were talking about our little Jay,
and about life in general since 2008, and
as I talked, I was looking out the cottage window and noticed a "J" in the trees.
On further inspection,
we noted that it was a branch that was shining/sticking out in the sun.
How amazing is God hey.

every sun set is different

I noticed this tree one day when I was out for a walk down Henderson Hwy.
and couldn't help but think that often, when the winds blow in my life
I likely look like this too.
When roots are planted deep into the groundwe can withstand alot of wind.

having farmed for almost 30 years of our lives, I came to love the look of grain in the fields

a fall scene that I took as I walked north on Henderson

His Mercies are new every morning!!
Great is THY faithfulness!

taken on Christmas Day - when we went with our family
for a walk in the park.  It had just started to snow.

God's creation takes my breath away.

I stopped as I drove west on Church Road, and took a bunch of sunset pics,

I just thought the clouds looked like a lion.  Can you see it?

and I drove further and watched how it started to set - behind the trees

hoarfrost is simply beautiful.

only God can think of how to make each snow crystal that collects

foggy morning

the spanish moss hung from the trees in the nature park in our resort in Florida
and it always reminded me of old men's beards!

I never cease to be amazed at how our little Ev loves nature

looking up at the sky, through the branches of the trees

little sprouted Florida evergreen

the beauty of crocuses that grow at Sunnyside Cemetary.
they close at night and open with the sunshine
pale purple and furry
absolutely stunning!

Alvin and I went for a ride after church last Sunday.  The day was actually pretty grey
out but we drove north along old Henderson, crossed over into Selkirk and then
drove back home down River Road.  We went into the park in Selkirk and
drove onto the dock area.  The seagulls were sitting there.  I honestly never realized
just how beautiful this scavenger bird is!  Purest white with a rounded belly.
His beak has this black marking on it, and the grey of his feathers is is such a beautiful soft grey.
I could not help but be amazed as we watched them.

all of these pictures were taken with my little canon point and shoot
I usually carry it with me everywhere, as one can never tell just when there may be
a KODAK MOMENT happening.
God is just like that - always surprising us with new mercies every morning.
Just one more example of how GREAT HIS faithfulness is.

Tuesday, April 17

My Prayer is the same as David's

I love the psalms.  They just seem to express what is on my heart.  David - a man with a heart after God's own (as scripture calls him) seemed to know how to take a pen, and journal!! And I am so glad - because those psalms resonate over and over and over again within my being!

Life has been complicated lately.  It has been good.  It has been hard.  It has seemed long.  It has seemed like time has flown by.  It has been happy.  It has been sad.  It has been full of hard work.  It has included days of rest and relaxation.  Complicated.  Full.  And well, it has also been MESSY.  (that is just me I guess!)

Anyhow, today, as I have written in my journal, my thoughts, or my "cry" as I wrote it, was the words from Psalm 40.  I noticed in an old bible that I was using, I had written " *summer and fall '94" by the Psalm.  (yep, I write in my bible)  This means that at that point in my life, this psalm was pivotal.  Actually, Psalm 40 has been MY psalm over and over again through out life.  I remember reciting it when my mom was living her last week in the hospital in 96.  Scripture is such a healing salve to weary and hurting souls!  This is the Psalm that I wrote out in my journal:

Psalm 40

New Living Translation (NLT)

For the choir director: A psalm of David.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
    and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
    out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
    and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
    They will put their trust in the Lord.

When I was done, I leafed over in my old bible and noticed that I had also written by Psalm 42 which is also a favorite of mine.  David sounds "messy" here and is crying out to God.  David knew where his strength came from!  He was also a man who just poured his heart out.  Psalm 42 says it like this:

Psalm 42

New Living Translation (NLT)

For the choir director: A psalm[a] of the descendants of Korah.

As the deer longs for streams of water,
    so I long for you, O God.
I thirst for God, the living God.
    When can I go and stand before him?
Day and night I have only tears for food,
    while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
    “Where is this God of yours?”
My heart is breaking
    as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
    leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
    amid the sound of a great celebration!
Why am I discouraged?
    Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
    I will praise him again—
    my Savior and my God!

Here is what I wrote beside verse 5.  Now even though I wrote it, and have no quotations or source written by the quote, I am pretty sure I wrote it from somewhere.  I wrote:
"David turned the gaze of his soul heavenward.  He saw God as an inexhaustible source of Hope.  But his response to God was not passive.  He talked to himself, challenged his downcast soul, admonished himself to hope in God and reassured himself that he would yet praise the Lord for his help!"  SOURCE UNKNOWN

to that I added MY words:  "if this was our only prayer, it would be enough!"

This is timely words for me this morning, and for the day, in the midst of my messy life.  God will be GOD and give me a firm place to stand, and a new song to sing!  That is MY hope and prayer.

Saturday, April 14

membership has its rewards!

Why I choose to be a member of a local faith community:
(there are no "rewards" or "points" program, but the joy of being in a faith community -
it is priceless!  These are the "rewards" as I see them:

  • love the family of God that meets to worship together.  Sometimes when we are singing, I stand with my eyes closed and take in the sound.  Thinking that Heaven will sound even better.
  • There is strength in number!  I do not need a community to be a Christ follower HOWEVER when you are part of a larger body, there is support, love, and strength that we can get from one another
  • It is a place to make good friendships.  I am loving the friends we have met so far at Eastview and look forward to making more
  • It is a place where I can go and feel like I belong.  You know the old "CHEERS" mentality - where "everybody knows your name".  Well, since we are newbies at Eastview - all of a sudden we find that we really know very few however, it already feels like home to us.  We walk through the doors and feel peace and acceptance and unconditional love.  There is NOTHING like "unconditional" love let me tell you.  We all want to belong somewhere. 
  • I choose to be a member of a local faith community - because it is here that I can grow in my faith through authentic grace-filled teaching.  God is using our pastors to pour through to us in the pews. I am so thankful for them and marvel at how we have already been so blessed. 
  • I believe that we need one another!  Take a look at the coals in a bonfire next time you have one.  See how they glow - and burn "white" with heat.  Now, take one coal and pull it away from the others.  Yes, it glows for a while, but then it changes, and eventually grows cold.  I think this is a good example of us, and how when we are together with other believers, we "glow" but when we move out of fellowship, we grow cold.  We need to spur one another on - this is my prayer.  This is another reason why I have chosen to become a part of our local church.
  • I am a member because I believe that together we can do more for Jesus than one person can do alone.  When I was in ministry, we used the word TEAM and it was short for "Together Everyone Accomplishes More.  There is strength and power in numbers.
  • being part of a faith community helps with accountability.  Let's face it - we all need accountability.  
  • there are more reasons, but these are just a few.  I am thankful that I am a part of a bigger family. Scripture tells us tat where to two or three gather, He is in our midst.  That is reason enough for me! 

Psalm 122

The Message (MSG)

Psalm 122

A Pilgrim Song of David
 1-2 When they said, "Let's go to the house of God," my heart leaped for joy.
   And now we're here, O Jerusalem,
      inside Jerusalem's walls!

 3-5 Jerusalem, well-built city,
      built as a place for worship!
   The city to which the tribes ascend,
      all God's tribes go up to worship,
   To give thanks to the name of God
      this is what it means to be Israel.
   Thrones for righteous judgment
      are set there, famous David-thrones.

 6-9 Pray for Jerusalem's peace!
      Prosperity to all you Jerusalem-lovers!
   Friendly insiders, get along!
      Hostile outsiders, keep your distance!
   For the sake of my family and friends,
      I say it again: live in peace!
   For the sake of the house of our God, God,
      I'll do my very best for you.

Sunday, April 8

This is MY story!

Happy Easter!  HE IS RISEN!  He is risen indeed!  This has been quite the day - from start to finish.  A new day!  We began the day when the alarm rang, and we got out of bed, made a cup of coffee, put the turkey in the oven, and got in the car - headed for Sunnyside cemetery to watch the sun come up.  It is such a beautiful place, but it was cold this morning.  Along the way we saw huge wild turkeys, about 20 deer.  It seemed everything was waking up with us.  The sun rise - well - as Alvin put it, "each sunrise is unique".  We got to Sunnyside, and took out the flowers and placed them by our little grandson Jay's little headstone.  Then we walked around a little - and noticed all of the crocuses that were out (although still closed up because of the cold morning.)

We didn't stay long, and got home and ready for church.  Today was the day that one big chapter of our lives called "32 years at McIvor" closed and another new one called "Joining Eastview" became a new chapter.

As Delbert said, "today is about new beginnings" and we certainly felt that this IS a new beginning for us.  Alvin and I both gave our testimonies - and I thought I would share mine here on my blog.  Here it is:

My name is Joy Klassen. I am a wife, mom, granny and follower of Jesus Christ.   I was raised in a christian family, by parents who modeled a life of Christ to me.  I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior when I was almost 8 years old, and was baptized in Lake Winnipeg when I was 11.  
My first 20 years of life I was part of a Plymouth Brethren church.  I thank God for that foundation of faith laid in my life.  
At the age of 20, I married and joined my husband Alvin at his church, McIvor Ave MB Church.  
I have to say that it was only in my mid 30’s however when I really came to know how deep and exciting that a relationship with Jesus could be.  
It was during this time that I walked through a deep depression and lost my mom and dad within 18 months of each other. 
However, it was during this time that I began to hunger and thirst for more of God.  I spent time journalling.  I spent time listening.  I spent time waiting on Him.  
I knew that the Holy Spirit was alive and well, and I asked for more of his power in my life.  And so typical of God - he answered my prayers!
Around this time, God laid a verse on my heart - which I claimed as my own then, and still do now.  It is Jeremiah 29:11-14a:
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD,
In 2000 God began speaking to me about something that we affectionately call the Vision. He entrusted me with a plan complete details. At first I didn’t know if I was hearing him right, but he made it very clear that he was calling me to a very specific ministry with women.  I left a career of 25 years and then was surprised when McIvor called me into pastoral ministry.
On January 1st, 2008, I wrote in my journal "Lord I give you this year - all of it.  I don't know what the year brings, but I know that you hold it in your hands."  In 2008, we were excited about many milestones, and one of them was the arrival of our first grandbaby.  Our world crashed apart when our little Jay Benjamin was born silently. Full term and perfect and yet his heart stopped within minutes of being born  - it remains a mystery that only God understands. 
It felt like our hearts were ripped into a million pieces. Never in our lives have we experienced such pain and grief. We are very thankful for good friends who walked along side of us during this time, and helped to hold us up. However, if I am honest, it is during this time that we experienced some very hurtful things that totally blindsided us. It seemed that going through this tragedy and being in a position of leadership only made it all more complicated.  It was during this time that I wrestled, sometimes tooth and nail it felt like, with God.  But when I look back, it was also during this time that my faith grew.  
It was in those early days of loss, that God spoke again to me, and told me very clearly that it was time to move ahead with the Vision for women’s ministry that He had entrusted to us. 
I completed 7.5  years of pastoral ministry and resigned.  We sold our home of 27 years, and have been busy, especially Alvin and our sons, building what will soon be the retreat center and ministry home of Women refreshed at the well. 
My journey  continues, but I have seen over and over how God redeems the pieces, and brings beauty out of brokenness. 
Leaving a church family of 32 years was one of the hardest things we have ever done and it was not done without much thought and prayer.  We walked into Eastview one Sunday and immediately felt at peace. We have also been blessed through our caregroup here as well.  
We know the value of community. and have decided that this is where we want to put in our stakes and get involved.   God has given us all gifts and talents, and we want to be able to ours here - for his honor and glory.

Saturday, April 7


I am wondering, how Mary slept, the night before Resurrection Sunday - the first Easter.  I can not imagine her exhaustion, emotionally especially, after watching her son Jesus - beaten, stripped, whipped, hung on a cross.  I. Can't. Imagine.

Did she get it?  Did she had an inside scoop on the fact that her son WOULD rise again.  After all, she knew He WAS the Son of God, and really, nothing would be impossible.  But perhaps she didn't "get" that yet.

I can't imagine how she must have wept until there were no more tears left.  I just can't imagine.

Little did she know, way back then, that when she reaised her head off the pillow - that her son would be ALIVE!  That HE would be victorious over death, hell and the grave!  Hallelujah, wht a Saviour!!

There is soemthing about sunrise.  A new friend that I have - is over in Jerusalem, and she posted on her facebook wall that she is off to the empty tomb for sunrise!  I am so envious!  There is something special about sunrises, and Sunrise on Easter Sunday - what a celebration!!

We used to do "sunrise services" with youth.  I keep thinking we should do a service together with friends - but didn't plan it yet.  However, I am wanted to get up early, and head to Sunnyside Cemetary - I want to take flowers there, but I also want to be up on Easter Sunday - when the sun rises.  From Sunnyside - you can see the whole city!  This is my plan!

Friday, April 6

I Thirst

Today I went to church.  It was the Good Friday drama.  It spoke to me.  Tears ran freely.  It was drama, combined with the choir, including a small children's choir at the end, and also a quartet.

There was a plain wooden cross at the front, and after each character spoke, they took a sponge and put red paint on the cross.  Paint to signify the blood that Jesus shed.  There was no extra props, nor were there elaborate costumes.  However, the message was loud and clear.

We celebrated the Lord's Supper together.  Jesus said, "Do this in remembrance of Me".  We ate bread together.  We drank juice together.  We remembered his death.  HIS DEATH.  Today we celebrated "GOOD" FRIDAY.   What a Saviour!

Almost at the end, and actually before we did communion together, a quartet sang the song "I Thirst" written by Bev "Mamma" Lowry (Mark Lowry's mom).

I have written before on being thirsty.  (post from January 6, 2011)  I get thirst - not just for my physical body but mostly for my spiritual being.  Jesus is the Living Water.  I know that.  He spoke to the Woman at the Well - in the passage below.  He told her about the living water that he could give her.

John 4:1-38

The Message (MSG)

John 4

The Woman at the Well
 1-3 Jesus realized that the Pharisees were keeping count of the baptisms that he and John performed (although his disciples, not Jesus, did the actual baptizing). They had posted the score that Jesus was ahead, turning him and John into rivals in the eyes of the people. So Jesus left the Judean countryside and went back to Galilee. 4-6To get there, he had to pass through Samaria. He came into Sychar, a Samaritan village that bordered the field Jacob had given his son Joseph. Jacob's well was still there. Jesus, worn out by the trip, sat down at the well. It was noon.
 7-8A woman, a Samaritan, came to draw water. Jesus said, "Would you give me a drink of water?" (His disciples had gone to the village to buy food for lunch.)
 9The Samaritan woman, taken aback, asked, "How come you, a Jew, are asking me, a Samaritan woman, for a drink?" (Jews in those days wouldn't be caught dead talking to Samaritans.)
 10Jesus answered, "If you knew the generosity of God and who I am, you would be asking me for a drink, and I would give you fresh, living water."
 11-12The woman said, "Sir, you don't even have a bucket to draw with, and this well is deep. So how are you going to get this 'living water'? Are you a better man than our ancestor Jacob, who dug this well and drank from it, he and his sons and livestock, and passed it down to us?"
 13-14Jesus said, "Everyone who drinks this water will get thirsty again and again. Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst—not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life."
 15The woman said, "Sir, give me this water so I won't ever get thirsty, won't ever have to come back to this well again!"
 16He said, "Go call your husband and then come back."
 17-18"I have no husband," she said.
   "That's nicely put: 'I have no husband.' You've had five husbands, and the man you're living with now isn't even your husband. You spoke the truth there, sure enough."
 19-20"Oh, so you're a prophet! Well, tell me this: Our ancestors worshiped God at this mountain, but you Jews insist that Jerusalem is the only place for worship, right?"
 21-23"Believe me, woman, the time is coming when you Samaritans will worship the Father neither here at this mountain nor there in Jerusalem. You worship guessing in the dark; we Jews worship in the clear light of day. God's way of salvation is made available through the Jews. But the time is coming—it has, in fact, come—when what you're called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter.
 23-24"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."
 25The woman said, "I don't know about that. I do know that the Messiah is coming. When he arrives, we'll get the whole story."
 26"I am he," said Jesus. "You don't have to wait any longer or look any further."
 27Just then his disciples came back. They were shocked. They couldn't believe he was talking with that kind of a woman. No one said what they were all thinking, but their faces showed it.
 28-30The woman took the hint and left. In her confusion she left her water pot. Back in the village she told the people, "Come see a man who knew all about the things I did, who knows me inside and out. Do you think this could be the Messiah?" And they went out to see for themselves.

When Jesus hung on the cross, one of the things he said before he died, was "I Thirst".  Like this song says:

One day I came to Him, I was so thirsty. 
I asked for water, my throat was so dry.
He gave me water that I had never dreamed of.
But for this water, my Lord had to die.

He said, "I thirst" yet he made the river.
He said, "I thirst" yet he made the sea.
"I thirst," said the king of the ages.
In His great thirst He brought water to me.

Now there’s a river that flows as clear as crystal.
It comes from God's throne above!
And like a river, it wells up inside me,
Bringing mercy and life giving love.

Tuesday, April 3

Forgiveness. Grace. & Love.

Today, early, my thoughts were turned toward Jesus.  This is "Passion Week".  I sat in a coffee shop at the Forks, and journalled.  It had been a while again.  Yesterday, some of the hurt/betrayal that Alvin and I experienced at one point in our journey - it resurfaced.  Just when I thought it was dead in the water.  There it was.  Upfront and Personal.  Close.  Choking.  Yesterday I heard him breathe the words to me:  Forgiveness.  Grace.   Timely words, being that I am only walking in "forgiveness and grace" because of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

Today, as I sat there, and watched the sun shine on more and more as it got higher in the sky, thoughts came tumbling out.  I grabbed a pen.  Here they are..


With eyes shut
And body clenched
(as if that would help me to hear)
I can hear them
Raising clenched fists high into the air
Answering:  "CRUCIFY HIM"
But faintly ...
as I struggle to hear about the din of my life
What is that?
Faintly I hear
"blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord."
The sound
the praises
still reverberate off of the rocks
wilted and dried palm branches blow in the wind
And my heart
O Lord
My heart breaks.

Those that praised...
where have they gone?
What are they thinking now
O Lord, do I recognize those same faces in the crowd?

I yell
Why crucify the one whom you just praised?
What are you doing?
Don't you get it?
Are you so fickle?

O Lord have mercy.

Away with Him
Crucify Him
the din hurts my ears
The people
the hate
the anger
the condemnation
O Lord - what is that?  
Do I see someone in that crowd?

All of a sudden
the faces blur ~
the shouting
O the shouting ~ a conglomeration of voices ~
but there is also crying
I hear it 
faint but close
O Lord.
it is me!

I realize that my voice may not have yelled crucify
But my sin
my shame
put Him on the cross.
My Sin
My Shame

I fall to my knees
in a crumpled mess
acknowledging what HE ...
this "Man of Sorrows"
this "Jesus"
MY Jesus ~ has done for me.

And into the quietness of my own tears
I hear the words "HE HAS RISEN"
And I rise with great joy
knowing that He paid for my sin.
But nothing could keep him there
NOT DEATH ~ He defeated it!
Magnificent Defeat!

And I bow
in praise
in adoration
in love
He has shown me the ultimate forgiveness
He has covered me with amazing grace
He has done for me - His ultimate expression of love.


Only Jesus!