Tuesday, November 13

Lose It For Life

Lose it for life -- the name of a book I am reading, a workbook that I am doing, a website that I check into, and a ministry that offers small group coaching with a counsellor, and with others that become an accountability group. Lose if for life... it is my prayer that this will be the year of my life that I do lose it.. the weight that is.
You see, my weight has become like a millstone around my neck. I realize how much it impacts my decisions, my activity, my attitude, my mood, my relationships with my family and friends, and yep, my checkbook.
The other day, as I was rereading an old journal, I realize that this is a struggle that I have had most of my life. I also realize that it is a struggle that is for me, very much spiritually linked. I realize it is all about surrender.
Surrender, a word that we don't use very often. Even now again as I write this, the words from an old hymn surface... all to Jesus, I surrender, all to him I freely give...
Hmmmm.... seems that I have been surrendering very little lately. I have held on to my feelings, my hurts, my dreams, my desires.... perhaps journalling them, but holding them dear to me. Especially when they are tied up in the way I feel about myself, or about how discouraged I feel about myself, or the things that I have not done well. But I realize that He is My Strength... so what is the problem. My questions continue to be "God, why can I not claim victory through this stronghold?" "Why do I continue to give it to you, only taking it back a while later?" "Why do I continue to see comfort in the thing that only comforts for the moment (food) and then causes such great distress?"

I began small group coaching last night, and have felt so encouraged. It was life-giving. I don't know why it was so different.. but it was. I have encouragment through my immediate family, and thank God for that. My kids and husband are very encouraging, but somehow this group I think will be the additional key to get me through. I pray that it will be. Lord, thank you for Lose It For Life minsitry. Thank you for the new friends I have made through this ministry and its extensions. Thank you that today, I feel like there is new hope. Thank you for speaking to me through words and affirmation in scripture, through my family, and through my new friends who are helping to keep me accountable. Lord, be my strength. My fortress. Help me to run to you, and not to food!!

My goal is 55 pounds. My temporary goal is 20. I also have a goal for January 13th when I board the plane for Thailand. It is about 9 weeks away. Who knows what I will be down, but I hope it is good! May this be the start of the rest of my life!
I want to live a strong and healthy life. I want to be able to help my kids, play with my grandkids (whenever I get them) and to enjoy life to the max with my husband.
I want to be WHOLE - emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.
Lord, be the center of all things in my life. Thank you in advance for all that you are going to do in and through me and my family. Glory to God!

Tuesday, November 6

First Snow

Well, it has come - the first snow of the season. They said flurries, and yet when we awoke, the ground was covered with a light blanket of snow. I am on holidays, and I thought that it would be good if it snowed during this time as I would be home snug as a bug, (or as a country mouse!) and not have to worry about slippery highways, as I came home from work late. But wouldn't you know it, it snowed on the day that I had to drive my husband - as he had shoulder surgery - and with the anesthetic, had to have someone accompany him. I think it was maybe God's sense of humor!

It is the first week of November, and I look and see that I have not posted since Thanksgiving. I guess it was after that, that everything broke loose with my schedule. My life went wild, and became overwhelmingly full, and well me, I didn't do so good under all the stress of it. Somewhere between good and very good, things turned a little bad. I don't do well at that point with stress. When I am physically tired, it seems everything else gets tired. Emotionally I had seen the well known "little red flags" popping up along the way. Somehow I guess I could handle them, and well, I just didn't worry too much about them, because my holidays were coming.
My summer holidays - which I had saved so we could go and work in Churchill... that was another "GOD thing" in my life. All those well conceived plans fell apart, and meant that we would both be staying home. Then my husband got called on the surgery cancellation list, and the rest is history, which brings me to today.

A dreary grey cold day - the only thing warm about it, is the warmth I could feel coming from the wood boiler outside as I wrestled with the logs to put them in. The logs -- thank you God for a son, a daughter's boyfriend and a good friend who came and put up our wood for the winter. With one arm out of commission, there was no way it would otherwise have gotten done. But now as I look at those neatly stacked piles of wood, I feel overwhelmed at knowing that most of the wood, will be put in the boiler by me. Lord, help my strained arm not to flare up again. And is this why my lower back is already hurting. Help me to not grumble. Oh Lord, please, help me to not grumble.

The good thing... our house is nice and warm!

November - Friday marked 10 years since my dad passed away. Oh how I miss him. I miss his voice, his prayers, his hugs, and the way he always seemed to know what to say to bring peace to me and my situations. Lately I have been feeling more needy than usual. I don't like that feeling, or should I say, I realize I don't like the feeling of knowing that others are aware of it.

I can't figure out this mood that I am in - a little bit of a funk. Sort of down, a great bit tired, but overall okay. I am praying that God reveals His will for me within the next few weeks. Something has to change in regards to work load, and obligations along with the things that I love to do. And toss in the desire to get the retreat place up and running. I think that is the thing that has me feeling this way, slightly overwhelmed even though I am on holidays. I need to let go and let GOD. Lord, I give it to you.

And the last thing on this post is the fact that I continue to struggle with my weight. I think this is a safe place to post since at this point, noone knows about this blog except my kids, and I don't think it is a sight even they will think of coming to often. So, it is like my journal, except out there... for any eye to see. Maybe I have already said way too much. Maybe I am really that naive as my son said in jest, to think that a blog would be so innocent.
Oh ya, back to the weight thing. What a sad moment when I finally got my sorry butt back into WW last week. Just when I thought it would only be a couple pounds up (after a bit of a time away) it was double. NOT GOOD! At this weight, my weight loss will certainly be worth its weight in gold. Anyhow, back into WW, and back on it, and have struggled with each day. Today is better. I just need normality in my life. (normality?? what is that??)
I have received a gift of a new friend however, through Lose It For Life. She and I have been emailing and working on accountability, and it is great. I realize that I struggle with fear of failure in regards to this weight thing, and perhaps that is why I always "self destruct" after a few weeks. But this time, Lord, you are my strength, and this time, I want to totally count on you to help me claim this victory.

My temporary goal is to lose about 15-20 pounds by January 13th. I think I will post along the way, (even if it is for my own purpose!). I have decided to go back to counting this week one.
So, week one, here I go... say no to chocolate!! Say no to pumpkin spice latte's from Starbucks... Say no to empty calories and yes to all that brings life to my body. Sooner or later, I have to get rid of these pounds. This is the year. By 50, I would love to be fat-free!! (smile)

So much for my whining.... regardless, I want to live to the fullest. (which the weight loss will only help me to do even better!) Perhaps I am a little naive and perhaps I have been too transparent here with my posting of my thoughts... I guess I can just hope that no one reads it!! (smile) All whining aside, life is good - I thank God for my family, especially my husband and kids. I am a very blessed woman.