Waiting & Wrapping up

 

Walking the labyrinth is always a time
of ponder,
letting go
and listening

                                                                                       

This "save the date" that we sent out, and also posted has I think confused some people.  So let me explain.

Last year, as we stated in our video and also in the interview posted through CHVN, we believed that God was up to something, and so Alvin and I began to pray about the future, asking God what his will was for our life.  Our kids, Josh and Leah, and Ashley have always been a big part of the ministry right from the time God first spoke to me in 2000.  So naturally it was obvious that we would also ask the three of them to pray.

At the end of last year, we sat around the dining room table as the grandkids played elsewhere, and I asked what they felt God had impressed or spoken to them.  I want to say that we as a family KNOW without a doubt that God DOES SPEAK today.  Yes, all would say that God speaks through the WORD of GOD.  However, not everyone believes that God speaks in other ways.  Well ... this family believes it, because we have been recipients of hearing the voice of God.... often. Oh I am so thankful.

SO we knew that God was saying that Alvin and I were to wrap up ministry. 

Well a few things happened.  We thought we were in pretty good negotiations with a church, but that fell through unfortunately.  We learned a lot during this time, but we still believe that we were in obedience to what the LORD was saying that we were to do.  However, in the end, when things came to a grinding halt, we realized that we needed to put our house up for sale as a listing.

We did that three weeks ago today.  And we are still waiting for God to provide the right person or persons to buy our house.  HOWEVER after Alvin and I talked a couple weeks ago, it dawned on me that I was not sure if I was truly being obedient to God's leading.  So once again we had a family convo - and my question was whether or not I was being disobedient, as I continued to take people, as I had some bookings through to December.  And what did God's direction to me really mean.  We came to the conclusion together (without much debate) that 2 things were happening, but one (wrapping up ministry) needed to happen regardless of the other (selling of our house).  When God said we were to wrap it up, we needed to wrap it up.  

And we will still trust him on the sale of our home.  I want to say that from the get go - Alvin and I knew we were building our home (with all of our own finances, time and swet along with our kids) and it was designed specifically for ministry, and once we were told we were done, then we would sell and move, as 2 seniors do not need a 3500 square foot house with 5 bedrooms and stairs to climb!! So this was always our plan.

So, I proceeded to cancel all bookings after September 10.  And I am honouring the ones I have until then.

I have hosted the last big group last weekend, and being one of my favourite groups, it was a wonderful note to finish groups on.  Now I have some individual bookings.

Now I want to get back to something.  When we said we were going to be wrapping up ministry, we had many comments and lots of sadness, and let me tell you, we get that.  We are sad too.  But we also had people ask in hushed tones if one of us is sick, or why we are really closing?  I have come to realize that the true reason "GOD TOLD US" is one that people do not all believe, because I don't think everyone believes God gives instruction about things like that ..... but we know He does.  We know in the last 25 years especially, God has given his voice to us on many things and more times than we can count.  We have recognized his voice and we are following.

So right now, NO our house still has not sold.  We are waiting and praying it does.  We do have a house purchased pending sale of our house, but thinking we may have to let that go unless something happens  soon.   And YES we are concluding ministry with a free event Wed. Sept 10th.   NO we are not sick.  As of right now we believe we are both happy, healthy and we are not homeless.  We can continue to live in our own home even if we finish ministry - it is just that we would rather not.  But God knows all of that.

SO if you have any question - feel free to ask me - email me at joyandalvin@gmail.com  Or text me at 204-223-5467 however PLEASE identify yourself as now a-days, if I do not know, I just consider it junk.  Too many scammers out there.

One thing I know is that God is faithful.  I can recall his faithfulness to us as a ministry since 2013.  I can recall his faithfulness to us as a couple since we got married almost 47 years ago  I can recall his faithfulness to us as a family - with our kids and grandkids.  We do not understand God's timing, but we do believe it is always right.  So we are trusting him on it.  Sure, we are anxious. But then we throw it back onto the shoulders of the Almighty. Yes - We would like to know that our house will sell.  But in the meantime we are going to live life to the fullest, and look forward to having all the time ahead for spontaneous gatherings, more family around the table, and impromtu drop-ins by friends ... and to tell you the truth we both sleep different when no one is retreating.  We are also especially looking forward to being even more available and present for our grandkids and kids.  Living within a few minutes from them allows us this.  

We would rather finish (regardless of our house sale) on a high note, which is what we believe God has chosen for us to do.

Remember if you have a question - just ask.  If you know someone who wants a house - share our listing.  If you have more money than you know what to do with it, well we know a couple who would be excellent in the role of running a ministry ...  you should meet and talk as they do not have the money to buy the house - but we believe someone out there does!!

All I can say right now is To God be the Glory in retrospect for all God has done, and in advance for all God is going to do.  We can hardly wait to see!

To conclude, I want to share one of my most favourite "life anthem" songs.  This one captures what my heart feels for all God has done for me/us/ministry.

Please listen 

The Fragrance

I have worn this fragrance Karma since 2009
and love it.  I think it is the hippy in me!

this fragrance is called Private Collection and became the fragrance that I wore from
about 1980 until 2000.  I loved it and to this day reminds me of my Dad.
 It is no longer made by Estes Lauder

Well in the day and age where fragrance is not really something that people like - I still do.  I know, that there are certain places that would rather you not wear fragrance and I try my hardest to be respectful of that.  However, I do love to wear my favourite fragrance Karma.  Yes, I know, the name ... lol

When I was in my mid twenties I began wearing Private Collection.  My dad used to buy all of us girls the biggest bottle of our favourite perfumes for Christmas.  I am telling you, I think the perfume consultant at the Bay or Sears made her commission for the month, on my dad's sales. He loved to lavish on mum and us girls in this way.  I knew that each year, I would get the biggest bottle of Private Collection for Christmas.  The year that my dad passed away, when I opened up my gift from Alvin and saw that it was the perfume, I just cried.

I had many people ask me what I was wearing. I always took that to be a compliment.  This fragrance was truly in a class of its own, which I guess is why it was Estée Lauder herself' - her private collection perfume.  I loved it.

Then I came across Karma.  Actually I hugged someone in my life group, and she was wearing it, and that was the beginning of my love for Karma.  I have had a few cute stories with the perfume which I think is subtle although my daughter has told me it is anything but!  I love the patchouli in it.  I think it brings out the hippie in me.  Or the wanna be free spirit!!  My kids used to say that they could always tell when the babies were held by Granny as they smelled like me!!

One time when Alvin and I were building we went in to pick out the carpet.  We were standing at the counter talking to the owner.  He was writing down the details when he put his pen down and leaned towards me and said, "What are you wearing?"  He took me by surprise actually.  I said, well, it was a perfume called Karma.  He said "wait a minute, I want to write that down."  

What can I say - I love the fragrance of a sweet perfume!  I have often wondered about what fragrance was poured on Jesus out of the alabaster jar that the woman had ... 

In my course in Spiritual direction, there were times when we wrote a "pantoum" poem.  This morning as I was sitting and reflecting, my goodness it seems like more than a month ago that I was with my cohort graduating! My full heart has been letting go memories, a little at a time.  However this morning, my thoughts were on my Bible Reading Plan Scripture for today.  (This year I am doing only the New Testament in a year plan) Today I read 2 Corinthians 2.  Paul wrote about "pour lives are a Christ-like fragrance rising up to God" and "to those who are being saved, we are a life giving perfume."

This is not new to me, but has been a prayer of mine, and a desire of my heart that people around me would smell the fragrance of Christ!  So with those thoughts, I took the pantoum poem and wrote the following to express my heart:  

The Fragrance of CHRIST

My desire is to be a container full of the fragrance of CHRIST

A sweetness that is unlike any other

It fills the room 

permeating every space with its exquisite fragrance

A sweetness that is unlike any other

the smell of LOVE - Grace - Mercy - and Redemption

permeating every space with its exquisite fragrance

may this fragrance flow through me onto others

the smell of LOVE - Grace - Mercy - and Redemption

It fills the room 

may this fragrance flow through me onto others

My desire is to be a container full of the fragrance of CHRIST

        may you also, be a container full of the fragrance of Christ

with love

J

17 .... 17 birthdays with Jesus

Today I went again to Sunnyside

And it hit me just how much things have changed

The gate has trees and shrubs that have grown so much in the 17 years

I drive around the cemetery

It is actually an incredibly beautiful spot

Not only because you can see the winnipeg skyline from one side to the other

But the wild thyme has made this incredible purplish carpet over the grounds

And the smell of thyme hits my nose when I step out of the car to walk to the place where we laid our sweet boy’s body to rest

I spent time thinking as I drove

About how this place was like a healing balm for my broken heart

It was a quiet serene space where I could sit and let my tears fall

The fact that it was just slightly off the road when I drove home meant that I made many trips to Sunnyside

Every Thursday without fail my car would pull in and stop

As if those trips helped to mark the time, which in all honestly, they did

1 week turned to 2 and to 3 and to 4

And then a month, and another month

And then a year …

We have had some conversation around the table the odd time about “when I die I want you kids to know …”

And we have talked about burial.  

Before we left the RM of Springfield, Alvin and I purchased our plots just right across from where we buried Jay

It is rather surreal when I come there and see that the row is completely taken with headstones except for ours … that space is waiting.

Or maybe the LORD will come before then.  

Regardless conversations also seems to go to why people go, or why people do NOT go to a cemetery.

And I believe that cemeteries are for the living, if the living so chooses to use the space to grieve and to heal.

That was why I went.

To Process.  

To grieve.

To heal.

Today I went on our sweet grandson’s birthday.  Our Jay Benjamin Klassen

Today I realized was one of the first times I did not take a chair with me

Usually I take a chair, my journal, my phone, and often my Bible

And I sit in the beautiful sunshine and just spend time with LOVE as my unseen companion

But today I didn’t.  I actually forgot to put it in my car.  

I had everything else lol

But the other thing I did not do this time, was to go and buy daisies at the store.

Daisies have become my favourite flower <3

Today instead I made a deliberate choice to cut the daisies that were growing wild in my yard.

Thinking that soon, we will not be living where we are at.  (Please LORD make this so)

So choosing to pick these today felt like a gift to take.

Again, for me, to remember as I laid them by the stone that reminds us that “the Eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.”  Deuteronomy 33:37

As I left, I realized that I am that much closer to heaven than I was 17 years ago.

I know I have changed.  Losing a grand-baby does that, as I know anyone who has lost a child whether baby or adult would know the grief that is so present.  

And while for sure we know we would rather have been able to watch our grandson grow, I do thank God for how he brought our broken pieces together and how he has changed us I believe for the good.

I realize that perhaps my response to things over time were not always the most filtered. 

But I also realize that God has used our grief to speak to other grandparents, and also to work through the ministry and to give grieving women and/or couples a place to come and soak in the silence.

My thoughts on grief?  I believe that grief never goes away but it changes over time.

Contrary to what people believe and sometimes say (LORD forgive them) ~ you never “get over it” and you will never forget.

Grief becomes a marker that marks a new life.  The life before … and the life after.

There is no “right” way to grieve.  I was told “make sure you grieve the right way.”   (Um, what?)

Some of you may know that I have been in school, and graduated as a Spiritual Director in June.  I think that if anything, this journey has helped me to come to understand even more how precious it is when someone holds space for another, and companions them in their journey.  While I was in Abbotsford this past June, in our remaining classes before our grad, I was greatly blessed when someone from my cohort told me how much she has appreciated that the loss of my grandson is something that I was able to share, and how helpful that is for people, but unfortunately some do not ever say the baby’s name again.  Well, why would I not share, as I believe we walk through our sorrow and our joys and all of our learnings, to make us able to speak into another life, or at least to be a listening ear for them to share.

Yes we did not have the same joy of watching him grow, but we loved that little guy with all of our being!

ANYHOW I guess I may have gotten off on a tangent - sorry about that.  

What I really wanted to say is that the birth of our grandson - our first grandchild - held so much anticipated joy and hope and expectation.  The prayers we prayed together as they were working on him were petitions that were strong and full of hope.  For some reason that only God knows, our Jay Benjamin was in Heaven, and not with us. Yep - that shook us to the core!  That could be a story of its own.  BUT we knew God was still God and still sovereign and that He was still faithful.

As I sit now, I am in a sweet little cafe called LIFT.  It is a ministry birthed out of the Church at Pineridge.  I had a hot chai latte and it was good! (You really need to come and visit here) 

I hitched onto my iphone hot spot so that I could post. It has been a good place to think, to write, and to share my thoughts on this day.  The 17th birthday of our grandson Jay Benjamin Klassen.

I heard the saying that Grief is love unfinished .  How true that is.  As I stood close to the stone marker, I thanked Jesus for our grandson, and asked him to let Jay know just how much we love him and we will see him soon.  (Or at least in God’s timing, which we know that our time and his time are not the same)

So till then, we remember.  I say that our grief has turned into remembrance.  The tears did not fall today.  But my heart has a spot that is missing him.  I look at other 17 year olds and wonder just exactly what he would be like.  I have a feeling when we finally see him - he will be beautiful!  Guess this Granny will have to wait, and continue to love on Jay’s brothers Everett John, Roger Thomas, and his cousins Matilda Joy and Maverick Chandler.  They do give me a lot of practice and great joy too.

I want to leave you with a quote from C.S.Lewis.  “Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.

There is a song I love, and I will end with it - I hope you can take a listen.

The flowers do grow in the valleys!!  I know.

With love,

J

Please listen - it is so beautiful https://youtu.be/4AQM7-qm3lo?si=ZulnOa5KC2cPS7qp

As for me, give me silence

"I think a lot of folks find the ecstasies in the conga line of life, 

amid throngs, pulsing lights, and lively sounds.  

As for me, give me silence."

-Bonnie Sours Smith

from the magazine Bella Grace 

The greyness of the day gives reprieve from the sun 

that has beaten down on the land over the last few days

The intermittent spitting of rain is like a popsicle teaser on a hot day

It is as if the ground is silently calling for water to come and drench its roots

Not just a little drizzle that barely hits the blades of grass before evaporating

But a steady down pour that would fill in the parched cracks 

and bring a vitality back to the fields 

growing their myriad of plants, crops, flowers and weeds

Yes even the weeds enjoy the downpour once in a while

Bringing the fluffy dandelion seeds to a halt, 

unable to fly and deposit in someone else’s yard

This day is grey 

but it doesn’t mean that the heart of the one sitting under the big oak is affected

She sits against the rough sturdy trunk of the big oak

Legs out in front of her

Hands in her lap

And eyes shut

One can see she is just there, 

breathing and bearing witness to creation around her

As she often does

Around her there is the flitter and flutter 

and scurrying of life

Leaves blowing 

and birds singing 

and the intermittent clicking of some kind of bug

It is a creation symphony of praise

The way the Creator loves to hear it

And the girl loves to witness

The girl

It is hard to tell the years unless you come closely

And see the laugh lines around her eyes

And the wrinkles that show life lived

Not to mention the brown spots that remind her of her mum

She sits quiet and still

And if you come and sit beside her

In the stillness

She may open the door of her soul and share some of life with you.

But truth be told she loves the silence

The stillness

And the rest

She grew up seeing that in her mum

And knew it was this silence that contained the essence of everything her mum needed to sustain her through all that life threw her way

And life DID throw many things at her

Through the good times, the hard times, the joy, sorrow and pain

So she knows that this stillness is essential in the care of her soul too

She breathes in slowly and seems to hold the breath

eyes still shut

And then slowly exhales

This breathing becomes a pattern that becomes a rhythm for a while

Eyes remaining closed to seemingly block out any distraction

Breath prayer is a gift to her, and one she shares with others that need something to help them slow down

And then her eyes open, 

As if she is taking in all of the beatify around her

Seeing it with her eyes

Hearing it with her ears

Smelling it with her nose

And feeling it with her whole body.

The beauty of creation

It speaks to her

She has always known this

That she experiences God in the midst of creation

That creation points upward

She shuts her eyes again and a smile slowly forms and becomes evident on her face

A smile that is an outward sign of an inward posture

This quiet time is so needed these days

When time is passing by too fast

It seems to do that in summer

Time

We have such limited knowledge of time and base it only on how we see change

Be it in the days on the calendar, much needed hair cuts, flowers that start with seeds and grow so tall, 

or the change she sees in her grandchildren who have left toddler years far behind them

The quietness brings her back to her thoughts

Deep inner thoughts that she can pull up and mull over

Thoughts that connect her to Holy Spirit in conversation

She holds her prayer beads (knowing that this may cause someone to raise their eyebrows)

Holds onto the bigger cruciform beads thanking Jesus for dying and rising again for her

And then spends time as her fingers travel over the beads

She spends time praising

And then confessing

Interceding 

And Thanksgiving

It is a new thing she is trying with the beautiful beads a sweet friend gave her

Christian prayer beads they are called

She smiles and wonders what people may say and knows some would likely even chastise her

With a heart full of thanks she again closes her eyes

She feels the beauty of contentedness

And feels the tranquility of God-given peace

The verse comes to mind “may the peace that passes all understanding guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus”

Yes … this peace makes no sense other than Jesus

She again breathes deeply in and out

A soft whisper is uttered from her lips

O Holy Spirit, I want more of you.

More, please, more

She realizes the feeling that she often has to fight to resist 

The feeling of striving, or making something happen

She knows that having more of the Spirit is not something she can make happen other than being willing, and obedient and living a life laid down for Jesus

She chooses to live a cruciform life

Which she knows is counter cultural today

But is a way of being alive!

And as the old 70’s saying goes “blooming where God has planted you!”

A life laid down daily at the cross of Jesus.

Her chest fills up with a deep breath.

This time of summer is ticking by quickly

She knows what is behind

The feelings of letting go, picking up, mulling through, and letting go again

She smiles as she thinks that she can do anything about the time 

Knowing only the creator of time can make things unfurl and grow

And that is what she is waiting for

Some things do not have words to explain

Some things sound inadequate when she tries

And sometimes she just tucks it back into the container within

To pull up and think about another time

She feels the bark of the tree that she is leaning on.

Her arms and hands go out to the sides and can feel the gnarly roots that are sticking through the soil and grass by her sides

And as she looks up into the dark green leaves she sees little prickly caps that are growing into acorns that will fall in time

Scripture says “unless a seed falls to the ground …”

She knows the importance of the sturdy tree, and the deep roots

They are tapping into the wellspring below

The nutrients have gone in and down deep

Giving it strength, sustenance, support and LIFE.

Hmm she smiles

That metaphor of the oak tree is just like her.

She knows that she is to go in and down deep 

To keep her own dear heart and soul growing and drinking from the wellspring she knows is JESUS

She may not be rough and gnarly but she knows and thanks God for deep roots and God’s sustaining wellspring

The grey clouds have given her this reprieve

But they have not dampened her spirits at all

Only given her a chance to rest

To breathe deep

To think and pray and have conversation with LOVE (God)

And as she thinks about that it is as if she feels LOVE’s arms tightly wrap around her

This place by the oak

Rest, renewal, a place to breath deeply

To think, to commune with LOVE

And to be embraced 

the above was written from a heart, head and soul full of love,

 thanksgiving and thoughts

by Joy