And it hit me just how much things have changed
The gate has trees and shrubs that have grown so much in the 17 years
I drive around the cemetery
It is actually an incredibly beautiful spot
Not only because you can see the winnipeg skyline from one side to the other
But the wild thyme has made this incredible purplish carpet over the grounds
And the smell of thyme hits my nose when I step out of the car to walk to the place where we laid our sweet boy’s body to rest
I spent time thinking as I drove
About how this place was like a healing balm for my broken heart
It was a quiet serene space where I could sit and let my tears fall
The fact that it was just slightly off the road when I drove home meant that I made many trips to Sunnyside
Every Thursday without fail my car would pull in and stop
As if those trips helped to mark the time, which in all honestly, they did
1 week turned to 2 and to 3 and to 4
And then a month, and another month
And then a year …
We have had some conversation around the table the odd time about “when I die I want you kids to know …”
And we have talked about burial.
Before we left the RM of Springfield, Alvin and I purchased our plots just right across from where we buried Jay
It is rather surreal when I come there and see that the row is completely taken with headstones except for ours … that space is waiting.
Or maybe the LORD will come before then.
Regardless conversations also seems to go to why people go, or why people do NOT go to a cemetery.
And I believe that cemeteries are for the living, if the living so chooses to use the space to grieve and to heal.
That was why I went.
To Process.
To grieve.
To heal.
Today I went on our sweet grandson’s birthday. Our Jay Benjamin Klassen
Today I realized was one of the first times I did not take a chair with me
Usually I take a chair, my journal, my phone, and often my Bible
And I sit in the beautiful sunshine and just spend time with LOVE as my unseen companion
But today I didn’t. I actually forgot to put it in my car.
I had everything else lol
But the other thing I did not do this time, was to go and buy daisies at the store.
Daisies have become my favourite flower <3
Today instead I made a deliberate choice to cut the daisies that were growing wild in my yard.
Thinking that soon, we will not be living where we are at. (Please LORD make this so)
So choosing to pick these today felt like a gift to take.
Again, for me, to remember as I laid them by the stone that reminds us that “the Eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” Deuteronomy 33:37
As I left, I realized that I am that much closer to heaven than I was 17 years ago.
I know I have changed. Losing a grand-baby does that, as I know anyone who has lost a child whether baby or adult would know the grief that is so present.
And while for sure we know we would rather have been able to watch our grandson grow, I do thank God for how he brought our broken pieces together and how he has changed us I believe for the good.
I realize that perhaps my response to things over time were not always the most filtered.
But I also realize that God has used our grief to speak to other grandparents, and also to work through the ministry and to give grieving women and/or couples a place to come and soak in the silence.
My thoughts on grief? I believe that grief never goes away but it changes over time.
Contrary to what people believe and sometimes say (LORD forgive them) ~ you never “get over it” and you will never forget.
Grief becomes a marker that marks a new life. The life before … and the life after.
There is no “right” way to grieve. I was told “make sure you grieve the right way.” (Um, what?)
Some of you may know that I have been in school, and graduated as a Spiritual Director in June. I think that if anything, this journey has helped me to come to understand even more how precious it is when someone holds space for another, and companions them in their journey. While I was in Abbotsford this past June, in our remaining classes before our grad, I was greatly blessed when someone from my cohort told me how much she has appreciated that the loss of my grandson is something that I was able to share, and how helpful that is for people, but unfortunately some do not ever say the baby’s name again. Well, why would I not share, as I believe we walk through our sorrow and our joys and all of our learnings, to make us able to speak into another life, or at least to be a listening ear for them to share.
Yes we did not have the same joy of watching him grow, but we loved that little guy with all of our being!
ANYHOW I guess I may have gotten off on a tangent - sorry about that.
What I really wanted to say is that the birth of our grandson - our first grandchild - held so much anticipated joy and hope and expectation. The prayers we prayed together as they were working on him were petitions that were strong and full of hope. For some reason that only God knows, our Jay Benjamin was in Heaven, and not with us. Yep - that shook us to the core! That could be a story of its own. BUT we knew God was still God and still sovereign and that He was still faithful.
As I sit now, I am in a sweet little cafe called LIFT. It is a ministry birthed out of the Church at Pineridge. I had a hot chai latte and it was good! (You really need to come and visit here)
I hitched onto my iphone hot spot so that I could post. It has been a good place to think, to write, and to share my thoughts on this day. The 17th birthday of our grandson Jay Benjamin Klassen.
I heard the saying that Grief is love unfinished . How true that is. As I stood close to the stone marker, I thanked Jesus for our grandson, and asked him to let Jay know just how much we love him and we will see him soon. (Or at least in God’s timing, which we know that our time and his time are not the same)
So till then, we remember. I say that our grief has turned into remembrance. The tears did not fall today. But my heart has a spot that is missing him. I look at other 17 year olds and wonder just exactly what he would be like. I have a feeling when we finally see him - he will be beautiful! Guess this Granny will have to wait, and continue to love on Jay’s brothers Everett John, Roger Thomas, and his cousins Matilda Joy and Maverick Chandler. They do give me a lot of practice and great joy too.
I want to leave you with a quote from C.S.Lewis. “Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.
There is a song I love, and I will end with it - I hope you can take a listen.
The flowers do grow in the valleys!! I know.
With love,
J
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