Only God Knows...

Only God Knows...

I remember this feeling

from 16 years ago

The feeling in my stomach so tangible

A mixture of excitement meets angst

And takes a seat together

The place I drive to with my son is familiar

Heading in

Signing in

Sitting down

To wait

To listen

To speak

To feel all the feels within an hour and a half

Only to leave with something tabled for the next month

Just a month *sigh

What is a month in light of the last year?

I have to laugh or else I would cry

But the tears did come in waves

Once I was home safe.

I felt so certain of this night

We had so many praying for this decision

The decision that involved our house and its last "condition"

The decision that would mean the deal was solid 

All conditions met for the sale

But in the end, and with my permission on behalf of Alvin and I

We chose to give permission for tabling of #1 on the agenda for the night

Driving home my eyes welled with tears as my son spoke

I was so sure

So. Very. Sure.

That I had the confidence that God was going to move tonight

And instead I felt like I was hearing the words, 

“I was just fooling”

The tears ran down my cheeks and my sobs came out

Sobs that have been deep and held within for a very long time

Sobs that were deeper than what just happened tonight

But tonight was the catalyst to breaking the dam and letting them roll

I thought I was okay with waiting.

I thought I could walk alongside of Alvin as he went through all this with his eye

I thought that we would learn in the waiting, and perhaps even grow in it

And in the moment, none of that mattered

And I realized this felt all too familiar

From last year, where we were trusting God on a church purchasing our place

To do ministry like we had been

And months later, it came to a screaming halt

Questions - were we wrong?  Did we just incorrectly assume God wanted us to allow them to  look into the purchase of our home?

Were we wrong?  We didn’t believe so. 

Even when it came to an end - we still believed we held our hands open for God to move.

So why tonight, does it feel like we have been here before 

So why tonight, do I feel like I am hearing those words “I was just fooling”

It brought some memories back around

Years ago

Actually in 2009, and then again I think it was 2016, I was so incredibly sure that I was hearing God on two different things

So sure.

It was tested.  It seemed true

Until it wasn’t.  

Those two times of "certainty" I thought

Until the “double blessing/twins” turned to a single much loved baby

And years later, the operation proved that the cancer was still there.

“But God - that is not what seemed SO SURE…

There was the (I thought) promise of double blessing

There was (I thought) word that there would be no cancer.

and tonight it was (I thought) 

that the conditional use request would be granted 

I was stumped.

I was at our teaching Tuesdays session last week, 

The session on healing prayer

And I said, “the hardest thing is to believe you heard the voice of God loud and clear, 

And then you realize what you were so sure about - did not happen”

And it leaves you doubting

If you heard

If it really was God’s voice that you recognized

And if it was, then why in the world, did what you believe would happen, NOT happen?

I am sure this is the sentiment of many

We want to pray boldly and believe

We want to have a dynamic faith 

We want to see God’s hand move in our lives

We want ….

You know what I am saying, in fact, I would venture to say that this may have also been your deja vu moment too at some point in your lfie...

So it was tonight

So many people were praying

So many people had said “it is going to work out”

So many people were standing behind us as we prayed and fasted about all of this.

But nothing happened tonight

And we have to wait ONE. MORE. MONTH.

Which seems like a year, even if it is just a month.

I realize that Satan is a deceiver, and he is also an imitator

He tries to get us to believe what he is saying may be the truth

When I heard the words “I was just fooling”  ~ I foolishly said, I felt it was God saying that

Shame on me

Because if anyone knows the goodness and faithfulness of God, it is me.

But I was feeling sad, and abandoned, and led along ..

And down right discouraged.

But God was not fooling me ...

Everyone around me is saying: 

This is still a part of the plan God has, even if we do not see it

People were actually “lifting up my arms” even though they may not have realized they were

People said they would continue to pray

They would continue to surround us

And yet - the feeling of abandonment was real 

And as I write this our Pastor Daniel’s sermon from Sunday comes echoing back to me

“Biblical faith leaves room for hurt, pain, lament.  Room to feel empty and disoriented”

I nod my head "yes"

“God is still at work even if he seems hidden”

Again I nod "yes"

And then to conclude, about how we go about this loss in our lives, Pastor Daniel suggested (from my notes on Sunday, hope Pastor Dan doesn't mind) 

1. Be honest with God about your pain.  Faith is not absence of sorrow but bringing  it all into his presence.
2. Emptiness does not mean God is ablest
3. Hold onto this - that God is still writing the story of your life!  HE IS NOT FINISHED.  Jesus knows all the feelings of pain, rejection, loss - and at the cross he took our deepens emptiness so the emptiness would not have the final word!!  

And after telling a couple people that I felt like God was saying, 

“Sorry, Just fooling” 

I realized that if I was hearing anything, 

it was likely the enemy using this to get me down, 

and to not believe that God was interested in our stuff.  

It was likely the enemy telling me that God doesn’t answer prayers, 

and that mine were insignificant.

Thing is - I KNOW THEY ARE NOT INSIGNIFICANT.

I realize that God is not absent.  

He is with me - and in all of these decisions.

And, as a few already have reminded me - 

One day, we will look back and see exactly what God is up to!

So I say, Devil - 

I am not listening to your words, as you pretend to be speaking to me - 

and Go back to hell where you belong - 

you have no right to speak a word! You are a liar and a counterfeiter

My Jesus is victorious.

I say Holy Spirit, thank you 

for working within me even in the flow of tears.  

It seems they came out from deep within, 

as if I have been storing the up for a while, 

and truth be told ~ I have been.

And Jesus - oh how you love us, 

and know all the intimate details of our lives.  

Thank you for others that dared to get into our journey 

and hold up our arms during this wait.

Thank you for the village around us.  

Thank you for showing me that you are still at work.

We know that to be true.

A long time ago, when we closed down ministry at the end of October, 

I said that I believed we had closed a door 

and were standing in the threshold waiting to step through the next door.

Well, I feel like the “Threshold” has taken on a room of its own.  

There is nothing on the walls, 

or in the room except for a big chair for me to sit in.  

I shared with my spiritual director, that this waiting period felt okay, and peaceful and I was okay to sit and wait in this "in between" time 

Two doors and a waiting space

 where up till tonight, I felt calm and collected in the waiting!  

So what were the tears about today?

Well, I believe my God knows 

that they were an acknowledgement of me being human

And feeling some “fatigue” with all that has been happening

And maybe just wanting to move forward, 

and feeling stalled once again.

May 26 is just a month away.

Thank you for praying for me, for us.

This affects all of us, not just Alvin and I, but our kids and grandkids.

We are in this together

In Leah’s words in a text tonight to me “I don’t know how God is going to work it all out - but I still strongly feel that will happen somehow….. getting our minds wrapped around some vision for the future 

but he is now giving time to process it. “

So on that note, I am going to hold fast to those words.

We are trusting that God is at work.  

That He is up to something bigger than we could ever ask or imagine.

I am currently writing a book, 

and I have a feeling this may be included in the last chapter.

Stay tuned!

And please keep praying.

May God be glorified in all of this!

Nature Speaks

Nature Speaks

Nature is waking to spring ..

The weeks has been a mix of Summer days

bookended by the left over breezes of winter

I stand watching the first thunderstorm of this year

Lightening flying across the sky in streaks

The sound of the resulting thunder rumbles

As I mentally count, 1 steamboat, 2 steamboat …

calculating how close that strike was

The sky is dark, and towards the east, darker yet, 

in a solid covering of black 

The power of the storm ~ the sense of electric energy 

I stand on the deck, barefoot and leaning against the rail

Watching, listening, feeling  

As creation shows its power in the stillness of the night

And I notice that even though the sky is alive with electricity and rumbling

The frogs continue to croak

Not just a couple, but it sounds like more than one could count

Up close, likely in the pond and ditch

So much croaking.

Different frogs obviously

Yet together they sing in unison

Each croaks their own part

And not missing a beat

I like to think this is a praise offering to the Creator who created them

The same one, who created me.

Nature speaks to me 

And in the quietness of this night

With the thunder roaring and the frogs croaking

I stand in wonder and thanksgiving

To God, who has given me life and breath

note: the picture that is at the top of the page has a drop on it.  No, it is not dew and it is not rain.  Once spring comes and it starts warming up.  The sap starts coming up from the ground and going into the branches, and this came so much, and the bud was pulling it up, and had so much, it was dripping.  We have not seen this before, but Alvin did see it after that on a birch tree,  Isn't God an amazing creator!

It's been a while...

 

It has been a while, and to be honest, I am not sure what it is I want to say even at this point.  My head is full of many thoughts - such as "will our house sell" and "will spring ever come" and the most important of them all ~ "will my husband see again?"

It sounds dramatic. Thing is, it is.  For the past 4.5 months, we have been in this waiting period.  Alvin first went into the eye emergency hospital on October 19th, the Sunday before my operation.  Okay some of you have wondered just what exactly I had done.  So for those who are so inquisitive but did not have the courage to ask - I had breast reduction.  I have struggled with issues with my back for years, and finally a few years ago, asked my doctor for a referral, and after over two years - I had a date for surgery. However the weekend before my surgery date, I took Alvin into the eye emergency at Misericordia as he was seeing bursts of light.  He was assured it was nothing (that makes me laugh actually thinking that the doctor on call saw "nothing" to worry about) but it assured us for the time being and Alvin made an app with his specialist that he ahs been seeing since his "eye stroke" years ago.  He has the most amazing specialist, and even though the emergency eye doc wanted him to make an app to see him, Alvin opted to see his specialist.  he had to wait for that however (and he also would have seen the emerg doctor even later) and when he went in on Dec 2, he was told that he would have to have a procedure because he had two retinal tears.  Thus began what we now look back on, and wish it was that much more in our rear view mirror!   

Here we are in the 5th month  I have to say that fast otherwise we would both be even more sad about how time has gone by, and we have felt like we have walked through these last few months at a snails pace.

Since Dec. 2nd, Alvin has had two procedures, and then surgery.  Now, I know that this has come a long way as I remember hearing about people having to lay face down for weeks and weeks.  Alvin had to first of all lay on his side with the "procedures" and that was hard enough ... but then the week before christmas, he had his first surgery and had to go into a week of being face down.  I am so thankful to my friends Meggie and Pete who just happened to have a massage table that they had bought but never used AND lent it to us!  

In the 7th week post surgery Alvin noticed something had changed.  While we tried to pray through it and down play it and hope for the best, he went into the appointment and was told he had to have another surgery.  This almost undone him.  

Let me tell you abit about this man of mine.  He is a worker bee. Sometimes to his detriment as he has had times when he didn't know how to slow down ...  Seems God, in His wisdom decided that this was the time to slow him down to a screeching halt.  And I mean that.  

He had his second surgery on Feb 12 and resumed to his face down position, and had the permission to get up and face the world again on his 68th birthday.  Go figure.

Since then, life has been quite something.  i will not go into all the details, but you are free to ask if you want ~ let it just be said that we are really trusting God in this.  This has been a very hard 4.5 months.  The one thing we know as a family is that we have done the "hard" before and have found God to be faithful even in the hardest part of life.  Sure there have been times in our life when we have felt like God perhaps did not hear, or did not answer, or maybe even is not looking our way ... but we KNOW in our hearts that He is faithful.  

So here we are - we had our 2 months check in, and Alvin has 5 weeks to wait until the next specialist app.  At that time he will hear about when the Specialist will have scheduled surgery to remove the silicon oil bubble that is in his eye (to help keep the retina secure while it is healing).  This bubble (unlike the first bubble he had which was gas, and dissipated on its own) has to be removed through a scheduled surgery.  And once that is done, another doctor will do a surgery on him to remove the cataract that is thick, and has formed in response to the trauma to his eye.  Funny how our body does that hey?  Or I guess not funny per se, but it formed a cataract in response and now that has to be removed too!  SO, he is waiting.

In the meantime, let me tell you, we have been all over the map.  We have had a taste of what happens, and how mental health (or unhealth) rears its ugly head.  I have no doubt that this man of mine, who is a do-er and a worker bee, who ahs been able to control things as to when he will get jobs done, and the accuracy of his work - has now been laid low .. real low.

We know God hears us.  And we have cried out often.  We have experienced a miracle along the way, and thank God for that.  We have also asked for miracles that we are still waiting for and may not get until the bubble and cataract are removed.  We were just part of a Healing Prayer session at our church.  And today I laid hands on my man yet again, and pleaded for God to bring healing of body, soul, and mind.

And so we wait.  It is not easy.  In fact, it has been so hard.  Our kids are carrying us through this.  So are our friends who lift up our arms when we get tired.  We are thankful for family and friends, even if there are times when I have to say, "Sorry, he doesn't want to see anyone" 

We have learned so much.  Alvin will tell you that he has learned how lonely it has felt to be laid low.  I can tell you the same.  As a spouse walking alongside, it has been lonely too.  We could tell you that we realize that others are also going through so much hard things .... and our hard thing, Alvin's eye - has mad us realize the loneliness, the stress, the feelings that are involved in any affliction.

I was reminded of Paul's "thorn in the flesh" and how he came face down before the LORD asking him to take it away AND that never happened.  We pray that soon - within two months, Alvin will be able to see fully with BOTH eyes.  That is our prayer.  Only God knows.

In the meantime - thanks for asking.  Thanks for your prayers.  Thanks for your friendship.  Thanks for your understanding.  We are blessed.  Its been hard, but we continue to seek God in all of this!  Yep in ALL of it.  

Thanks for praying for us.  We continue to trust Jesus in all of this!