God has me on a journey - and as I travel it, this blog reflects the thoughts and musings (and the odd butterfly) from the heart of a senior woman, who is learning how to love with all my being, live fully and with no regrets, embrace life with my husband,kids and grandkids, and to let God lead in the dance of life that He has me learning!
not sure what the title of this sculpture is - at Mission Hills winery in Kelowna BC. I think I would call it "Pondering Life"
not sure why I picked this photo for this post, but I love it! So ...
It is! Life is good. Life is hard. Life is full!
time ...
Hello old friend - it's been a while .....
Sometimes lately I stop and am amazed at how life has really just ticked by. One minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month at a time. Just saying out loud that it was the 17th of this month, made me stop and realize that HEY!! THIS MONTH IS HALF OVER. Where, oh where does it go.
I see the passing of time in many ways - lately it has been these things that make me inhale/exhale and ponder:
snow has covered the garden in the back yard. Summer time with its incessant watering of all the plants, flowers, trees. It was so lovely - so hot - and pretty dry. We thought we had so many weekends at the cottage, boat rides on the river, campfires and chats. And it has come and gone. Just. Like. That. And now, the snow - with it came the ability to exhale. While the garden sleeps, we can breathe - and anticipate it bursting to life in a few months.
my grandkids - three out of four - are in school - full days - every day. Somehow when that happens, my heart does this little *sigh. School .... when did they grow into these little grown ups. But then I get to spend some time with them, and there is still some snuggle time, or some "Granny will you sit here while I fall asleep" time, or even the early morning time when we get joined in our "queen" sized bed by two boys who just want to be there - for a little while. So we move over to the edges - Alvin to the right - me to the left. And make room because one day this won't happen.
book work. That never ends. There is book work to be done for the ministry. And book work to be done for our side business Blue Jay Family Works. I am bound and determined that THIS NEXT YEAR our accountant will get the books by the end of January once the bank statement comes and can be reconciled. But it seems like we just finished the fiscal year ... it seems like we just started January 2018. But, we are almost done.
birthdays. This year our Jay celebrated his 10th birthday in Heaven. Our Everett will be 9 in a month, Roger will be 7 in two months, Matilda just turned 6 and our Maverick is 2 and 1/2 going on 5. I have been reminded via facebook with some baby pictures and videos. I have rewatched pictures of the kids as babies, then toddlers ... and now most of them school-age. But they still love hugs, and kisses (most days) and still love to come to Granny and Poppa's. I have a feeling these kids of mine will always want to drop over. I hope so. That is the perk (one of them) about living a stone's throw (or well, a 2 minute car ride).
turning 60. Yes. we turned 60. If 70 is the new 50, the 60 is the new 40? I am not sure - but we turned it and I have just realized lately that this is the sweet sweet spot of our lives. Who would have thought? I used to think 60 was really old .... until I turned it, and now I figure I am still young!
some goals are still unachieved. This year I hoped I would finish writing my story (not yet, but I have been working on it here and there) and I wanted to finally learn guitar (hasn't happened yet) and I wanted to take TAP dance classes (that has happened, and oh man have I been having fun!! I realize that the first two goals, still not realized, will continue onto 2019. And - that's okay. I feel that God knows these things - and he knows my life - and I feel like I still have time to learn. Tap dance classes has shown me that you still can teach an old dog new tricks! SO 2019 will LORD WILLING be the year.
anniversaries. This year we celebrated milestone anniversaries in our family. 15 for Josh and Leah. 10 for Ashley and Michael and 40 for us. Seriously - 40 of my 60 years, well actually almost 44 of 60 have been in love and married to the same man!! Nowadays, even my kids milestone anniversaries, let alone ours - is nothing to laugh at. Anniversaries these days mean alot to us, but many do not realize these milestones. I thank God for his presence in our lives - and acknowledge that marriage is hard - but it is so worth it. I thank God for these celebrations in our lives. And, I do not take them for granted.
facebook just reminded me of some pictures - and this time last year (and the years before) my house was decorated for Christmas. Its funny - I love the look of the decorations, especially the twinkly lights, but oh man, I hate decorating. As a friend of mine tells me "Joy, hate is a strong word!" lol. But I do. I am not sure if I ever really liked it. In the past I have had some young women come and give me a hand. This year - my sister, who is Queen of Christmas Decor coming to help. But its hard to believe - it is fast approaching.
Come Away Retreat for women - at the Mark Centre in Abbotsford. Oh my heart - I can hardly wait. This is my second time going, the first time it was a gift from a sweet friend. This time my board has put it into the budget and encouraged me to go and then also tack on a couple more days. This decision was made in Feb. and I immediately booked it. SO ... it has been on the horizon for months, and I am going in 5 sleeps!! I can hardly wait. Time has gone quickly!
and last but not least - posting here on my blog. I have had this blog for a while. It actually has served many purposes over the years since I began - since I dubbed the title "thoughtsandmusingsofacountrymouse". My kids affectionately at time call me "country mouse". I remember when I started it and they teased me. What did I know about blogging? I knew it was a place to write my thoughts - tell my story - sometimes vent - or dream - or write poetry. It has been like therapy often - especially 2008-2009. But today when I went to write, I noticed that I have not written since the summer. Time has passed by, and this avid journaller's "pen" has been relatively silent - at least here. The reality is far from that - the pace of life with family, friends and ministry, let alone church and community things has not slowed down. LIFE has carried on regardless of whether it is recorded in words on a blog post, or on pages in my journal. Life has carried on and I see it in the ways my mind and my heart have expanded. Life is more than these posts, and so much more that I carry but is not spoken out loud. And that's okay. Quite okay. But, again, I have realized about the passing of time.
So, friend - it has been a while. It's been months. Regardless of my lack of writing, my life is full. Jesus said he came to give life - and life to the full - and oh He is showing me just that!! He is showing me that the full life - is the abundant life. It may not be safe. It may not be easy. It may not be comfortable and it certainly is NOT predictable. But - it is full - and this girls is loving all HE has for me! (well mostly, sometimes He has to ease me into things).
We have no idea what our life holds - but we know who holds it. We have no idea of the number of our days - but we know He does. He is Sovereign and He knows it all - and us - well, I am choosing to live fully - this moment - this hour - this day - this week- this month and this year.
Just as God gives me heart shaped clouds to remind me of HIS love, He also brings contentment to my soul!
This past Sunday I went into the house of the LORD ... ahhhh.... it was so good Now, I realize that when I say "the house of the LORD" I am not saying that our church is THE house of the LORD, but instead it is the local gathering of believers of which I am a part of. Sometimes, between working full-time in ministry, and being away at the cabin ~ it means that I often miss weeks where I am not sitting in the pew. I miss that. I miss the people around me that I get a hug from. I miss getting the sermon first hand. I miss worship in music ... and just standing there with my eyes closed worshipping and hearing the body around me singing. SO when I went to worship with Eastview Church last Sunday - it was so good. That morning God had taken me to a place where I had a big "aha" moment. I will be honest, I have had some hard hard days since January 1st. Hard, but good. Hard, but I've grown in them. Hard but I see God's work and experience His presence in my life. But, there have been hard times. So on Sunday, as I read/journalled/spent time with the LORD .. And then I went to church and listened/prayed/worshipped I noticed something . I noticed that I had a strong STRONG sense of CONTENTMENT. It was strong. It was noticeable (even compared to the week prior) I knew it was of God. It was very very tangible.
I love how within the definition I found through google, it says (contentment) is opposed to so many things!! It says contentment arises from the INWARD disposition!! I love seeing that contentment is the offspring of many things! I do not believe Contentment happens "by chance" but is a gift from God to us!
When I think of contentment and Scripture, these verses come to mind. This Scripture is among my favourites! I am going to put it first in NIV and then, I have come to love THE PASSION TRANSLATION (new) and so here it is below. I believe with all my heart - that our contentment comes out of what the verses say we should do. Here is the portion in NIV first, and then The Passion:
Psalm 37:4-9New International Version (NIV)
4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: 6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
Psalm 37:4-6The Passion Translation (TPT)
4 Make God the utmost delight and pleasure of your life,[a] and he will provide for you what you desire the most. 5 Give God the right to direct your life,[b] and as you trust him along the way you’ll find he pulled it off perfectly! 6 He will appear as your righteousness,[c] as sure as the dawning of a new day. He will manifest as your justice, as sure and strong as the noonday sun.
Footnotes:
Psalm 37:4The word delight means “to be soft or tender.”
Psalm 37:5The Hebrew uses the word commit, which means “to roll over your burdens on the Lord.”
Psalm 37:6The Hebrew verb found here is also used for giving birth. Perhaps this is a reference to the birth of Christ, our righteousness.
I am thankful to our LORD and Saviour Jesus Christ for this tangible sense of contentment. When it comes from Jesus - there is no other word to describe it. Contentment. It floods my heart my soul, my spirit and my mind. And I am so thankful. As we were leaving church on Sunday, Alvin and I were chatting about the service. Excellent sermon from our Pastor Delbert and the worship in song brought tears rolling down my cheeks. I know God was up to something that morning, and continues on today and I am thankful. Anyhow, I asked Alvin how he was feeling. And to my surprise, but not really, he said, "I am feeling content" ... Thank you Jesus. It is well with our soul! living fully, j
Actually, in my life, perhaps it is more than just "sometimes" ...
Tears have fallen alot lately. My good friend is dying. Too young. Too soon. Too quick.
And yet we know that God is sovereign and fully in control. We know that HIS ways are not our ways. We know that HIS timing is always on time. And in the midst of all of this knowing, we still often finding ourselves whispering, and sometimes shouting “Why LORD Why?”
The other day as I sat along the bedside of my friend, I watched her as she was taking a nap.
I realized that as I looked at her, I had a sense that there was something familiar. Yes … something in her reminded me of my mom. At first that seemed a little strange, as my friend is not quite five years older than me. So how could she remind me of my mom? And then I realized what it was. It was the peace that was obvious - even when my friend was sleeping.
Peace.
Quiet or tranquility.
That was it!!
Peace in the face of death. Just like my mom.
A couple days ago, as I sat by her bed, with her hand in mine, I thought she was fast asleep when she said “I am grateful” Not wanting to say anything if it was in her sleep, I just sat there and took note of what she said. And then a few minutes later she said, “that is the answer” so I asked her what was the answer, and she said again, “I need to be grateful”.
Again she reminded me of my mom. One time when my mom was so sick in the hospital, I asked her if she was tired of it all, she told me “oh no dear, I have so much to be grateful for.”
Peace.
Gratefulness
In the midst of sickness, pain and facing the end of life.
Those two things alone bring me to an awe. I watched my friend, and was reminded of my mom.
Yesterday I heard one of my favorite songs being played.
It is Well with my Soul.
My tears began with the first notes of the song.
I have wept with her a few times.
I have also had the privilege to hold her hand, and to have her hold mine.
And, usually the two things happened together.
Two weeks ago, while driving her back from Cancercare we were talking as I drove.
At that time we didn't know that the cancer would progress so quickly, although she said she believed she was nearing the end stage and had just gotten to the point where she could admit that.
I asked her how she felt knowing that she would meet Jesus.
As we talked, I looked straight ahead, but the tears rolled, and I felt her hand on mine, and realize her tears were there too.
I think of in the Bible in the Gospel of John. The shortest verse is recorded “Jesus wept”.
He wept when he realized that his friend had died.
Jesus. Being fully God - He wept.
Now you may or may not know the story - the ending was a miracle. Jesus raised his friend from the dead.
But the thing that always captivates my thoughts is that it records His emotions. His response. His tears.
Jesus,
Wept.
I have had the privilege of chatting with her. Sitting by her bed in periods of quiet. Being there to hand her ice chips, or a cold cloth. Tonight during a short visit, I took her hand as she slept. And before I left, we gathered close to her, and I held her hand, and the hand of her husband and prayed.
And she slept.
And tears came.
And the peace was there along with the recollection of her words “I am grateful”
Tonight as I wrap this up and go to sleep, my heart and thoughts are with her, asleep in the hosptial room and with her husband who will be facing a “new normal” soon.
My prayers are for the two of them. God knows our length of days - for each one of us.
Our first breath and our last. Our life is but a vapour - we just studied this in James during our life group time this past week. God knows all of this.
And I am thanking God for our friendship - for the love - for the peace and the gratefulness.
Thank you my friend Gisele - you have taught me so much through our friendship, your love, care, support and rolemodeling.
I love you my friend. I hope you are sleeping now, but overwhelmed by a tangible sense of God's presence and peace!
It has been a long time. Very very long time since I have posted anything here. And today I have been inspired by a story in the Word of God that always speaks deeply into my heart. It is where the woman who has been so sick with hemouraging, that she knows she has to see Jesus.
Today my daily reading included that story. It was all about her faith. Here are my thoughts written in a type of poem. There is more that I think, but will leave unwritten/unspoken. Things between me and my LORD. But - feel free to share yours.
Step. Step
Step. Step.
I am so tired.
The loss of blood over the years has taken its toll on my energy
Step. Step.
I have to rest.
Just for a few minutes.
I heart that the Healer Jesus is coming this way.
I need to speak with him.
But oh,
I. am. so. tired.
I just need to sit down.
Right now.
Right here
Just for a few moments.
It is so hard to see anything.
The crowds are so numerous
Not only is it hard to see but it is so hard to move.
Maybe today will not be the day.
There are just so many people.
I need to sit here on the side.
I have nothing to lose.
What is another day on top of these 12 awful years.
Oh here is a wonderful place to stop.
Sit.
Rest.
The sun is shining on the lake and I feel the sunshine on my face.
I can here the sound of the water lapping up onto the shore.
Its. So. Good.
There is a boat in the water
Oh it is Jesus. The gentle Healer.
Be Still my HEART!!
If i can only get close
But ... everyone is running.
They all want a touch, a look, a blessing
If I can only get through this crowd so that he can at least hear me call.
Wait!
Don't go so fast
I'm coming!
If I can only touch even the hem of his garment ...
almost ...
almost ...
YES!!
Woa ... what happened?
A hot current ran from the tips of my fingers down into the depths of my being.
I felt it in my insides.
It was like a power surge.
his power in me!
WOA!!
Wait. Can it be?
And then Jesus stopped.
I see him speaking to his twelve.
They look puzzled.
He is turning and looking all around him.
I heard him say "Who Touched my clothes/"
Really? His disciples look baffled to say the least.
What do you mean Jesus - who touched you?
You can see the people pressing in from every side - all around you.
What are you asking?
But the Healer is intently looking.
Scanning the crowd.
He knew that power went out from him.
And well...
i knew too.
I knew the Healer was talking about me.
Oh yes, I knew what I had experienced.
I knew I had received power from him.
Oh there was no doubt that it happened.
I quietly but quickly made my way - pushing through the people.
I was so scared.
Had I dared to touch the Healer?
My body was trembling.
And when I got up to him, I fell prostrate at His feet.
And Jesus.
Oh so gentle.
So kind ...
So loving...
His eyes met mine as he extended his hand to help me up.
I told him everything - it spilled from my lips.
My history.
My 12 years of bleeding.
The fact that I had spent everything for a solution, but had received nothing.
I told him that somehow I just knew that if I could touch even the hem of his garment -
That I would be healed.
And with all the energy I could muster up - I did.
And ...
I was healed immediately.
Oh his eyes...
and his voice.
I will never forget those words to me.
He called me "Daughter" and said "your faith has healed you!"
MY FAITH HAS HEALED ME?
Yes. Your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be free from your suffering.
Healed!
This sounded and felt beautiful.
I. Am. Healed!
I touched the hem of the Healer.
The band Selah is one of my favourites, and I love this song!! Have a listen.
