A Mother's Love : open letter to my children and grand children

Mother's Day, 2020

 ~ An open letter to my children, in order of how you entered into my life and made me your Mom and also your Granny

Joshua Gerald ~ Ashley Marie ~ Leah Michelle and ~ Michael John

Jay Benjamin, Everett John, Roger Thomas, Matilda Joy & Maverick Chandler

Have I told you lately how much I love you?  Each and every one of you.

Some people say I love you "from the bottom of my heart" or as I have often told the grandchildren "I love you to the moon and back".....

but, expressing the love I have is bigger than those descriptions, bigger than trying to count the fluff that flies from a dandelion into the blue skies.

Let me try to express, however inadequate, with my words and thoughts.  The follow are my feeble attempt at penning those thoughts for you, my children and grandchildren.  The word GRANNY can also be read in wherever it says "Mother".  This is written with love, for you and while is says A Mother's Love - it should say THIS Mother's love, because the mother it is written about - is me.

 A Mother's Love

My reflections looking back on being a Mom/Granny

A Mother's Love

don't tangle with it

While it is unable to be adequately expressed in words

(and while with this I will still try)

Her love is like that of a Mama bear

Strong and ferocious

Willing to fight to the finish for her kids

The affects of her love is tangible and everlasting

A Mother's love

it can't be measured

it may look like big hugs and kisses

like gifts

or occasional surprise cards in the mail

or emails written to each of you to be read at a future date

but still - a mother's love just can not be measured.

It may look like tears that we read about God collecting in bottles

Or callouses on bended knees

or the sound of prayers reaching the throne room

or may even look like the joy on her face that even when captured in photo, 

can not be fully described

A mother's love may look like 

a young mom silently nursing her baby in the darkness of night, when the only light coming in through the living room window is the streetlights shining

a young mom brushing off dust on the knees of a child who has fallen

a young mom rushing her little one to emergency after falling down some stairs

a young mom going to the elementary school to ask the secretary to call the child out of class so that she could apologize

A mother's love may look like 

swinging on the swings

making endless lunches with notes in them

buying all the chocolate almonds so they didnt have to go door to door

driving to events and appointments and school

and the greatest memories of siting around a campfire together

A mother's love may look like going an extra mile even when she has no energy left

And knowing that she would lay down her life for any of her children of grandchildren if it meant sparing them

It is about impromptu visits,

and moving back a schedule in order to be there in some way shape or form for her kids or grandchildren

knowing that the only thing that cancels any personal calendar commitment - is her family.

that rule is written in love.

A mother's love is more than the names worn on the necklace around her neck

or the sweetest pictures in frames

or artwork on fridge

or cards taped into a journal.

It is oh so much more.

A mother's love is about those first feelings

falling in love with each child as they came into her life

Some by birth

Some by marriage to those birth children

but all in all - her kids.

it is about the love that grows with the next generation

that God brings into her life

one at a time, in the form of little bundles

called Grandchildren

each unique and absolutely the most beautiful children ever

the ones who call her Granny

Her love is about those prayers offered on behalf of her kids,

while her children were still too young to know anything about "Lord please send them the best spouse for them when they grow up."

Her love is about tiptoeing into a room and bending over a bed, with the moon shining into the room and onto the child

and asking God to forgive her shortcomings and shortness of word, and erase the memory from their hearts and minds

Her love is about crying at special occasions

and feeling such pride at watching them from young - to older - NOW

knowing her mother's love is still about 

encouraging words

talking through decisions

strong hugs

big kisses

and "I love you" spoken 

A mother's love is about

prayers for them and with them

prayer huddles inside houses, and perhaps parking lots

arms around one another

and sometimes tears

it is about prayer over the phone, or text or email

and often one on one

Praying for each one that she loves.

A mother's love seeps out in expressions that may at times push her out of her comfort zone

And melds with a deep sense of pride as she comes to see the uniqueness of each one

Their personalities, there characteristics, their expression

And the love just seems to bubble up and out

In ways that can not be adequately espressed

however would "look like" a root beer float that has had its ice-cream pushed down into the pop, resulting in a bubbling overflow of goodness .... up, over and on everything it spills onto

dripping

flowing

unstoppable

but oh. so. good.

That is a mother's love.

God knew from the very dawn of creation

long before he took the rib from Adam and formed woman from man

and breathed life into her nostrils 

God knew that she would be different

She would be unstoppable

Nurturer

She would be one who would show Jesus to others

in a way different than man.

In a way that was less showy, behind the scenes

Soft and gentle

steady and consistent

unflinching

unwavering

and absolutely unconditional...

Even if her heart broke at time for her kids

and even if it breaks at times for her grandchildren as she sees tears run down their cheeks

The love would remain steadfast and unmoveable

And always, ALWAYS love that loved unconditionally no matter what

Just like Jesus does.

A mother's love is all the greatest parts that the Father melded together 

when he created her

knowing she would be an extension of Himself and his love for his children...

which included her and her kids and grandkids ... and on an on

and to which this love would become part of her legacy to them.

And perhaps her fragrance would also be that which reminded them of Jesus

God knew this woman would perhaps be of little word but enough words when needed

That she would be a woman of action

That she would weep easily and worry a lot

God knew that she would sometimes fall into bed exhausted

because she had given all she had to give of her time, energy and love

But she would rise again the next morning and do it all over again as needed

Because that is how God made a Mother's love

Seasons come and go

The mother ages at the same rate as her children and grandchildren

one year at a time

and yet somehow age looks different on her

with her grey hair, and her laugh lines and wrinkles 

that seem to get deeper with each birthday

But in the midst of all of that - the greatest thing is that

Her love grows too

and so does her wisdom

and her love for God

 which in turn gives her more and more love for her children

and grandchildren

It is an amazing circle

Yes

A mother's love

don't tangle with it ...

Rest in it

Sit in it

Think about it

Thank God for it

and just keep loving her back

Her love is like the Mama Bear - 

strong and fierce

And this Mama bear ... this Mom and Granny  ...

would not want it

any

other

way!

Love for ever,

Mom/Granny

ps

Joshua, Ashley, Leah and Michael - this Mama loves you!  Way more than you know.

Jay (in heaven), Everett, Roger, Matilda and Maverick - this Granny love you.

Happy Mother's Day!

Thank you for being my kids and making me the Mom and Granny that I am.

Thank you LORD GOD for such a privilege.

Morning Conversation with God

While in Cuba this past winter, I especially enjoyed my early morning QT with the LORD

Since Monday I have felt just emotionally low - and I know it could be a number of things.  Praying for our loved one.  Caring for people outside of my family and doing alot of caring for those IN my family.  Making many meals - because feeding someone is such a tangible way to show your love isn't it.  And then walking through the anniversary of my mum's passing to heaven.  Whatever it is doesn't matter in as much as I know enough about myself, that I "FEEL" deeply ...
So I understand why I feel emotionally tanked.  It's not bad .... it just is.
In the early part of this morning, I sat down to have my QT.  I sat in the big white chair I have made my thinking/praying/reading chair over the past number of weeks.  The LORD meets with me in this place (not just this spot tho but often here) and I knew when I cozied up in the chair, that He and I were going to have another heart to heart.
a-lot

As I have likely shared before I have grown so much in my faith, and come to such a transforming since my early 30's when my brethren roots/understanding of the Holy Spirit was tried and tested and transformed - bottom line coming out of that time is that  - I hear the Holy Spirit speak to me in many ways - and often  a lot of the time,  in conversations that I record and read after the conversation is done.  As I have described it - I hear him speak, and know I need to grab my pen and journal and I "write like a mad woman" until the end of the conversation when I put down my pen, and re-read it, to see how He and I just talked.   I don't even question any more whether I am dreaming it all up or not - because I know that I recognize the voice of the Shepherd.  SO while I will mostly NOT share conversations with you, as I hold them all like treasures in my hands and heart.  However, this conversation is to be shared.  

~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ -  ~ - ~ -  ~ 

O LORD I am so tired and feeling okay, but "emotionally tanked" is the word I've been using -
just feel bottomed out.  I know LORD - makes no sense if I'm living in your power Holy Spirit ... guess maybe I've let you down.  Sorry.

I'm here

Always here

Rest your head

O LORD I'm so sad.  So. Very. Sad.

You aren't going to do a miracle are you?

So really LORD - why pray? WHY?

Like you are going to answer me.

I am.  I've given you a picture just now

The same picture you use (when talking to people about prayer)

Of your children crawling up on your lap

Do you give them everything they beg you for?

No.

Sometimes I relented tho.

Sure, sometimes.

But mostly what did you do?

Well, I just held them -
sometimes while they cried
Sometimes I wiped their tears
Yes, they sometimes whined too, but that was okay -
I understood their wants/desires/wishes along with their verbal asking

And?

Well I wanted to believe that I knew best and responded accordingly.
Even if they really made a stink about my answer.

And Joy - why did you believe you knew the best for them??

Well - because I was their parent and I knew them...
Because they were my children - birthed, raised by me
And I believed that I knew what was the best for them ....

So Joy - that's your answer...
Praying... I want that.
I want you to come to me exactly like that
even if you come kicking and screaming
Just like you and your kids.
I KNOW you.
You are my child.
I have (re)birthed and raised you.
It's not about the answer, although I get that.
I know you want a miracle.
But its about me loving you - loving us.
I'm here.
I love you.
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ -  ~ - ~ -  ~ 

Short and sweet (oh, so sweet when I spend time with him in conversation) .  I believe the bottom line is that we pray because it is about our relationship with HIM more than the outcome.  I believe in the strengthening of the relationship we then come to understand more of why He answers the way He does!

A picture image given - I saw that before He began to speak - of my kids on my knee.
"Pictures" are another thing God often gives me - another way He talks with me.

I still remember realizing that was also a way He talks.
(one time I can tell you about the picture he gave me of a fresh chocolate cake, and I saw a hand with a knife running around the outside of the cake pan)

Please know - I do NOT share any of this to IN ANY WAY flaunt my relationship with the Almighty, nor to make anyone feel that I am "all that" because of the way God speaks to me.  I hope that is NEVER how I make you feel - ever.

I only share these things to encourage you in your faith.  To tell you that walking with the LORD is much more than mundane/lukewarm/convenient or complacent!   He wants us to dance with the Trinity!  (got that phrase from studying under Dr. Larry Crabb and New Way Ministries)

I was raised NOT to know the power of the Holy Spirit at work in the life of a believer - but HE turned me on my head and shook me up in my faith - and I want you to know - there is so much more to the HOLY SPIRIT's work than to just say he is part of the TRINITY period.

He is in the process of transformation - and if he can shake up this Brethren rooted gal - then let me tell you - He can do it for anyone!!  (and I would LOVE to have a conversation with you about that sometime too!!) All He wants is a heart that longs for him more and more!

SO there is my morning conversation with HIM - may it encourage you to sit, to be still, and to just talk with the LORD.  Yep, again I say - He talks.  We have just to be still enough to listen.

Enjoy your time with HIM,
Love,
j


ps 

There is the story in the Bible about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo being told to bow down to the King of Babylon but they refused because they worshiped the Living GOD.  So the punishment was to throw them into the fiery furnace.  The furnace was stoked even hotter. The men were thrown in, but the officials have to rub their eyes because there is a FOURTH man in the fire!! When they are brought out, the men are not even singed! Daniel 3: 17-18 (NLT) says "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us.  He will rescue us from. your power Your majesty. But even if he doesn't ..."     WHY DO WE PRAY is about our relationship with the Almighty GOD.  The outcome of our prayers are also HIS decision for us.  We prayed and petitioned for weeks and while we may thing we know how we want God to respond, it is still up to God.  And we know, like the 3 mend, that God is in the fiery furnace with us.  And while we know he could do the miracles of healing this side of heaven, we also (like the three men) say BUT EVEN IF HE DOESN'T we will still be trusting Him.  He is in the fire with us!  #GODSGOTTHIS

My kids tease me about being "the country mouse"

I have been thinking that perhaps it is time to "rebrand" and make a new blog spot.  You know - a "dot com" site.  We did that for the ministry women refreshed.com years ago, taking the blog that began for the ministry (years before it started) which was on Wordpress and my daughter developed the blog/website as a ".com" .... it has worked pretty good for us I think.  Why rebrand?  Good question ....  

When I started "thoughtsfromacountrymouse" it also began through Wordpress as well, and then for a reason I can't recall, we switched it to Blogger.  I remember when I heard about blogging and made my own.  I will never forget hearing my son Josh say, "oh Mom, the little country mouse" and I will admit, the kids still tease me today.  (note: not sure why I have used country mouse as my name as I have lived in the country and have had many country mice - none of which I liked lol). 

Thoughts and musings of a country mouse - represents my thoughts going back years with the first post in September of 2007.  13 years ago.  There are posts that are probably whimsical and fun while others like for instance Dec of 08 which are called The Dark Night of the Soul.  My stories take me through the last 13 years of my life.  The year 2007 was after the previous year that included a near death experience which made me realize God was not done with me yet!  I think I realized I do have things that I should share.  

Here I am, almost 62, and because of a combination of things in life, I am beginning to have a voice.  Funny hey - some of you who know my family (and extended clan) - may be surprised that a Thomas would not have a voice!!  But the older I get, the more I begin to understand more of me and how God created me to be.  My kids as well as my sweet friend Karen D, have introduced me to the enneagram and through podcasts and books, I have come to understand that God has made me so intricately and wonderfully!  It's funny because back in early 2000 a pastor friend/couple of mine went through sessions on the enneagram through the catholic nuns, (they were not catholic) and I thought it was the weirdest thing.... until two years ago.  So that in itself, has brought me to a greater understanding of me!

Having a voice!  Alvin would likely just say "she has lost her filters" to which I laugh and reply, "yes, I am learning that a bit earlier than my Mum did!"  I say that in fun, but there is some truth to that.  Yep, my gentle sweet loving Mum lost her filters too!  And as the years pass by, I am coming to understand my Mum in a whole new way, and that helps me to understand myself.  She was never mean - but towards her end of life, she definitely spoke up which I know sometimes took my Dad off guard! lol  

God is the main part of this without a doubt.  I am challenging my grandkids to memorize Psalm 139 (my favourite Psalm) with me and yep, this Granny is bribing them with $139 dollars if they learn the whole chapter!!  I love it because of what it tells me in there.  He knows every thing about me - my first day and my last.  That is especially poignant these days as a loved one of ours is praying for healing, but it appears healing will only come in Heaven.   This chapter tells me how wonderfully made I am!  And with knowing that - I know God has put in me a "roar" to be used for His honour and glory. 

Me - the country mouse - the one who has struggled for years with self image and self worth.  (yep, it has been a very long process - and some big stories of how God has spoke through this).   It has been hard for Alvin to see this, and to even understand it - but it has been deeply rooted sorry to say.    God is not done with me yet in that department tho.  And I got my tattoo to remind me that HE calls me Beloved.  This country mouse is not longer just squeaking ... she has found a God-given voice.  It is getting stronger as He is refining this woman.  No one likes having the heat turned up but I have seen how it is necessary to make us into more of his image.

Having a voice means that God can use my life experience and my words to speak into the lives of others.  I also feel that while I am no longer a paid pastor, I believe and have been affirmed that the characteristics that one would hope for in a pastor, is what they continue to see and experience through me.  I thank God for that.  So I believe I can still speak into lives with a "pastoral " voice if that makes sense.   A voice that belongs to someone who has been in the depths and walked with grief as a close companion (and the depths have been deep and dark at times) but can also speak to HOPE, and JOY and PEACE that comes from an intimate relationship with the Almighty One.

I value authenticity. But I have learned that I also have to be careful.  To think before I speak.  To pray about what I say and if the timing is right.  Sometimes I think perhaps I have (personally) been shocked and impacted by others actions, and may speak into that with what I call "speaking truth in love" but Alvin says, is sometimes a little too forward, or well ... blunt.   It is a balancing act.   I believe that God is calling me to speak up for what is right and just as well.  And to encourage those with little to no voice (maybe just a tiny squeak) to allow God to use the voice He has put within them.  (okay, lol ... the line from "I am woman hear me roar" just entered my thoughts!!). 

I feel at this point in my life, my greatest part of life is behind me - but I still can speak into the lives of those I love - to affirm and encourage.  To call to account if necessary.  A voice to bring God's love and peace to others.  I think I still have a lot of life left to encourage others that are in my life.

There is so much in Scripture that talks about how the tongue has such incredible power.  As a kid I remember yelling "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me!"   WHOA ... where did that come from!!  Who ever made up that saying!!  

The tongue is the most difficult part of our body to control - I am sure you can relate - and once a word is out - it can never go back - EVER!!  (kind of like putting toothpaste back into a tube).  The tongue is so powerful and can be used to bless but also to curse.  BUT we have help as the Holy Spirit longs to give us then control over what we say!  

As I said - it is a balancing act - that uses love, wisdom and discernment.  May God give me that! 

That's my thoughts for today - from a "country mouse" who is learning to speak instead of squeak!  Or maybe I will let God use me to roar for HIM yet in my lifetime!!  And maybe I will give "rebranding" to a .com some more thought.  And keep using this platform and give my kids something to tease their mom about!!  I actually take it as acts of affection anyhow.  Love my kids!

I Hope these words have encouraged you in some way.  I always think a post will be less wordy - but it seems that is my struggle! lol.     I guess this Thomas country mouse has things to say!  

with love from this Country Mouse,  

             j

Peace amidst the gravestones ....

 This morning I decided to forgo the mess in my kitchen, and to head out to Balsam Bay Cemetery. It is this thing I do every year, on the anniversary of my Mum's death. In life, I made it a habit of buying my mum roses. She loved them. Yes, my dad bought flowers for her too (I realize he really was a romantic at heart) but I loved buying her roses, and seeing her face light up when she would undo them and smell the beautiful scent. I think I started doing this in 1976 when I began working and had money to spend for flowers. ANYHOW, today is the 24th year marking my mum going to be with Jesus. So I got in my vehicle, went and ordered a dozen roses from the florist in Selkirk, and proceeded out to Balsam Bay.   (okay I have to say this... originally I went to Selkirk Safeway as I usually get the roses there - but today I walked in and there was not a flower to be bought!  I almost wept - and then I remembered the florist - Victoria's ... and went, parked in front, phoned her, and within minutes she brought the flowers and left them outside the door.  Tears averted)

I like going alone. The drive is peaceful. My thoughts are many. How many times have I driven Highway 59 to then road 100 and down to the cemetery. So many times. You see, many of my THOMAS extended family are buried there. That is where my husband joined my brothers and Dad to dig Mum's grave. Sandy soil makes it a little easier I think, as long as you can keep it from falling in. 24 years. So much has happened. I was not quite 38. Too young!! And she passed away a the week before Mother's Day. 

I don't go out on Mother's Day when normally people go - but instead I go out on the anniversary of her passing. May 5th.  Going alone gives me the freedom to let the tears fall as they may. I know, it is not her that I am going to see. But I am going to honour her memory and the legacy she left.

You know - I am not sure I could have ever had a better Mum. And to be honest, I don't think my dad would have been the man he was without my Mum as his companion.

I pulled up beside old St. Luke's church. Boarded shut, this church still brings awe out in me. I love the structure. The first and only time I was ever in the church was the funeral of my cousin Mundy Thomas who was in a car full of guys, hit by a drunk driver just over the hill from where Balsam Bay is. I remember going through the church, walking by caskets. Friends whose lives were cut off in the prime of their life. And then, I stood outside in the cemetery grounds with hundreds of others, listening to the funeral over a loud speaker. Now this church holds that sad memory ... as well as many other memories both joyous and sad within its boarded walls. A beautiful old church - closed and nailed shut.

Getting out of the car it is just a short little walk, through the gate and to my left - to where my Dad chose the plot area to bury Mum, not knowing that the next year, the boys would be digging the hole that we laid his body in right beside Mum's.

I walked to the gravesite. Took out the flowers that were put there likely by my sister Mary-Ann last fall and had graced their gravesite over the winter, and then cut the roses and put them into the vase with water, positioned in the middle of their headstone. It is a yearly ritual. Roses for Mum. A ritual of honour.  Memories came to mind, including the time I bought her 21 yellow roses on my birthday - for each year of my life!!

Even when Mum when blind, she still felt and smelled the roses. I won't ever forget that. So many memories - of growing up, teen years, her designing and sewing my wedding dress, her holding the children when they were born. Her singing to me, and singing to my babies. Her baking - often just winging it (which I do too). Her gentle voice telling me "Honey it will all be okay." .... Her love for cashews, and chocolate (boy am I my mom's girl or what) and her love for the Bible. Seeing her in quiet time - those memories are deeply ingrained. Memories are laced with so much love, gentleness, kindness, generosity and so much grace!! Memories.

After leaving their gravesite, I wandered around the cemetery. The cemetery is full of family - especially in the section Mum and Dad are buried in. Family - Including my Grandma and Grandpa Thomas - Henry George and Mary-Ann;

as well as my Grandma Thomas's parents, who are my Great Grandparents - Alex and Matilda Anderson. There are many aunts and uncles buried there. I walked to each one - and memories galore filled my mind. I loved those men and women who spoke into my life as loved aunts and uncles. 

And then I proceeded to walk through the other parts - where many other relatives are buried.

The sun shone. There was a cool breeze blowing off the ice still on the lake. (the cemetery is lakefront). I heard something and saw a big bush bunny. There was nothing but the stillness and the sound of my feet walking on leaves left from last fall. The cemetery has so many little gravesite right at the beginning where you enter. It is with sadness that my eyes take them in, knowing that families lost many children during those years. Even my Grandma and Grandpa Thomas lost one of their sons as a tiny boy. So much grief and death. So very much.

I realized  that I come from a long legacy of faith in Jesus Christ. I had known that  my Grandma and Grandpa Thomas had loved Jesus, and today realized that my  grandma's parents loved Jesus too. On my great grandma Matilda's headstone - it said YE MUST BE BORN AGAIN and on my great grandpa Alexander it said BY GRACE ARE YE SAVED. Strong legacy of faith that can be traced via gravestones in a country cemetery.   (The other thing I realized is that my granddaughter Matilda Joy comes from a great grandma, and a granny (my mom's mom) who were both called Matilda). 

It is quiet as I walk. Just me and the LORD in this place. There are so many unspoken memories, unspoken stories that are marked by grave markers, some of which are unreadable. The silence of this is deafening. 

And in the midst of it, is peace. 

Peace.
Perfect Peace.

I know where that comes from - it comes from the hope knowing that when one dies in Christ, with your life firmly rooted in Jesus salvation to us - that brings a hope and a peace and even eventually joy. I know that I go here to honour the memory of my mum. I know one day I will see her again, and my dad, and my aunts, uncles and cousins that knew the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe that yes, we grieve when we know a loved one is dying, or has died ... we love deeply this side of heaven. We are made for community and family - and we love deeply .... but oh what a day that will be - when we are all with Jesus. I truly believe as much as we think this life is the best - we are just passing through. And the best is yet to come!

with love,

j

ps.

Someone asked me today if I talk to my parents when I go to the gravesite. Today I just said again, Mum, I love you. I have also asked Jesus if he does special requests ... and if he could give my Mum a big hug from me, and just tell her how much I love and miss her. Not sure if he does - but I like to think he does. <3 div="">

A song is playing in my memory .... it was sung by those of us gathered around the gravesite as the boys, and then other relatives took the shovels and threw the sand onto the casket, covering up the hole. The song is a favourite of mine, and I think I will always think of it, with the sound of some of the relatives, who start it off while standing around when we lower caskets ... take a listen - WHAT A DAY THAT WILL BE ... I believe that.

Are you ready for that day?