Peace amidst the gravestones ....

 This morning I decided to forgo the mess in my kitchen, and to head out to Balsam Bay Cemetery. It is this thing I do every year, on the anniversary of my Mum's death. In life, I made it a habit of buying my mum roses. She loved them. Yes, my dad bought flowers for her too (I realize he really was a romantic at heart) but I loved buying her roses, and seeing her face light up when she would undo them and smell the beautiful scent. I think I started doing this in 1976 when I began working and had money to spend for flowers. ANYHOW, today is the 24th year marking my mum going to be with Jesus. So I got in my vehicle, went and ordered a dozen roses from the florist in Selkirk, and proceeded out to Balsam Bay.   (okay I have to say this... originally I went to Selkirk Safeway as I usually get the roses there - but today I walked in and there was not a flower to be bought!  I almost wept - and then I remembered the florist - Victoria's ... and went, parked in front, phoned her, and within minutes she brought the flowers and left them outside the door.  Tears averted)

I like going alone. The drive is peaceful. My thoughts are many. How many times have I driven Highway 59 to then road 100 and down to the cemetery. So many times. You see, many of my THOMAS extended family are buried there. That is where my husband joined my brothers and Dad to dig Mum's grave. Sandy soil makes it a little easier I think, as long as you can keep it from falling in. 24 years. So much has happened. I was not quite 38. Too young!! And she passed away a the week before Mother's Day. 

I don't go out on Mother's Day when normally people go - but instead I go out on the anniversary of her passing. May 5th.  Going alone gives me the freedom to let the tears fall as they may. I know, it is not her that I am going to see. But I am going to honour her memory and the legacy she left.

You know - I am not sure I could have ever had a better Mum. And to be honest, I don't think my dad would have been the man he was without my Mum as his companion.

I pulled up beside old St. Luke's church. Boarded shut, this church still brings awe out in me. I love the structure. The first and only time I was ever in the church was the funeral of my cousin Mundy Thomas who was in a car full of guys, hit by a drunk driver just over the hill from where Balsam Bay is. I remember going through the church, walking by caskets. Friends whose lives were cut off in the prime of their life. And then, I stood outside in the cemetery grounds with hundreds of others, listening to the funeral over a loud speaker. Now this church holds that sad memory ... as well as many other memories both joyous and sad within its boarded walls. A beautiful old church - closed and nailed shut.

Getting out of the car it is just a short little walk, through the gate and to my left - to where my Dad chose the plot area to bury Mum, not knowing that the next year, the boys would be digging the hole that we laid his body in right beside Mum's.

I walked to the gravesite. Took out the flowers that were put there likely by my sister Mary-Ann last fall and had graced their gravesite over the winter, and then cut the roses and put them into the vase with water, positioned in the middle of their headstone. It is a yearly ritual. Roses for Mum. A ritual of honour.  Memories came to mind, including the time I bought her 21 yellow roses on my birthday - for each year of my life!!

Even when Mum when blind, she still felt and smelled the roses. I won't ever forget that. So many memories - of growing up, teen years, her designing and sewing my wedding dress, her holding the children when they were born. Her singing to me, and singing to my babies. Her baking - often just winging it (which I do too). Her gentle voice telling me "Honey it will all be okay." .... Her love for cashews, and chocolate (boy am I my mom's girl or what) and her love for the Bible. Seeing her in quiet time - those memories are deeply ingrained. Memories are laced with so much love, gentleness, kindness, generosity and so much grace!! Memories.

After leaving their gravesite, I wandered around the cemetery. The cemetery is full of family - especially in the section Mum and Dad are buried in. Family - Including my Grandma and Grandpa Thomas - Henry George and Mary-Ann;

as well as my Grandma Thomas's parents, who are my Great Grandparents - Alex and Matilda Anderson. There are many aunts and uncles buried there. I walked to each one - and memories galore filled my mind. I loved those men and women who spoke into my life as loved aunts and uncles. 

And then I proceeded to walk through the other parts - where many other relatives are buried.

The sun shone. There was a cool breeze blowing off the ice still on the lake. (the cemetery is lakefront). I heard something and saw a big bush bunny. There was nothing but the stillness and the sound of my feet walking on leaves left from last fall. The cemetery has so many little gravesite right at the beginning where you enter. It is with sadness that my eyes take them in, knowing that families lost many children during those years. Even my Grandma and Grandpa Thomas lost one of their sons as a tiny boy. So much grief and death. So very much.

I realized  that I come from a long legacy of faith in Jesus Christ. I had known that  my Grandma and Grandpa Thomas had loved Jesus, and today realized that my  grandma's parents loved Jesus too. On my great grandma Matilda's headstone - it said YE MUST BE BORN AGAIN and on my great grandpa Alexander it said BY GRACE ARE YE SAVED. Strong legacy of faith that can be traced via gravestones in a country cemetery.   (The other thing I realized is that my granddaughter Matilda Joy comes from a great grandma, and a granny (my mom's mom) who were both called Matilda). 

It is quiet as I walk. Just me and the LORD in this place. There are so many unspoken memories, unspoken stories that are marked by grave markers, some of which are unreadable. The silence of this is deafening. 

And in the midst of it, is peace. 

Peace.
Perfect Peace.

I know where that comes from - it comes from the hope knowing that when one dies in Christ, with your life firmly rooted in Jesus salvation to us - that brings a hope and a peace and even eventually joy. I know that I go here to honour the memory of my mum. I know one day I will see her again, and my dad, and my aunts, uncles and cousins that knew the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe that yes, we grieve when we know a loved one is dying, or has died ... we love deeply this side of heaven. We are made for community and family - and we love deeply .... but oh what a day that will be - when we are all with Jesus. I truly believe as much as we think this life is the best - we are just passing through. And the best is yet to come!

with love,

j

ps.

Someone asked me today if I talk to my parents when I go to the gravesite. Today I just said again, Mum, I love you. I have also asked Jesus if he does special requests ... and if he could give my Mum a big hug from me, and just tell her how much I love and miss her. Not sure if he does - but I like to think he does. <3 div="">

A song is playing in my memory .... it was sung by those of us gathered around the gravesite as the boys, and then other relatives took the shovels and threw the sand onto the casket, covering up the hole. The song is a favourite of mine, and I think I will always think of it, with the sound of some of the relatives, who start it off while standing around when we lower caskets ... take a listen - WHAT A DAY THAT WILL BE ... I believe that.

Are you ready for that day?

what FAITH can do

There are two songs that I have heard over and over and over again. They have spoken into my dry broken heart alot. And now, even though God has brought joy to us again... this song still speaks to my heart. It is by the band KUTLESS and called What Faith Can Do.

The song - it just feels like it is honest ... I like that. Honesty. Transparency. Of course that makes you vulnerable. Sometimes that hurts. Sometimes honestly bites you in the butt. Personally, I believe it is the only way to go. "Honesty is the best policy" as the old quote goes. (I can just hear my mom saying that! Oh Mom, I miss you so much!)

Rising from the ashes and making a new beginning. Got that one. Totally get it.
Finding the strength to rise. In my weakness, HE makes me strong. Only God!!

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains. HOPE that doesn't ever end. Miracles just happen." Actually there are times when I knew God could perform a miracle and well - he chose not to. Or should I clarify - He chose to do not what I thought was best for me or us - but what HE KNEW was best for us. That was His right. That was His decision! I will be totally honest that since we lost our little Jay that day... I have had to work through (although not through yet) exactly WHY God chooses to do one miracle, but not the next? but still - I BELIEVE GOD IS SOVEREIGN! Therefore - I may wonder why - but the bottom line is GOD IS GOD!

The other day I was at Josh and Leah's church - Assiniboia Community Church - and listed to Pastor Larmour speak. I loved the story he used of the two men at a youth gathering. One got up to talk about how he was on his way - and out of gas and he prayed and asked the Lord to perform a miracle - and put gas in the car - and well - he turned the key and voila! it started!! God answered that prayer. It was a miracle. And then an older man, whom Pastor Larmour said was a wise and Godly man - this man stood up at the same gathering, right after the younger man had shared about his miracle - and this older man shared that he had a similar experience. He also was out of gas. He also prayed and asked God for a miracle. He also waited - but God did not "put gas in the car" so to speak. Hmm.... how to explain it? Well - God is God and HE is Sovereign. He chooses to do as He wills. Of course - we don't get it.... which makes sense, because we don't always "get" what God is doing. I always thought that "when I get to heaven, I will ask God some of these questions." But now I figure - that when I am home in heaven - I won't be worrying about the answers anymore!!

Those are my 2 cents for now. I am tired. My sweetheart is already snoring in the chair beside me. Gotta head up to bed. It is only after 10 but it has been a full day.

I leave you with the lyrics from Kutless: What Faith Can Do.
Hope they also speak to you.

~What Faith Can Do ~

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think its more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can!

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise


P.S. Of course - I could not do a thing without my Lord. Jesus Christ - the same yesterday, today and forever!! You are Sovereign. You are GOD!