so, I am thinking of writing a story :)

"Fear isn't only a guide to keep us safe; it’s also a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life … the great stories go to those who don’t give in to fear.” 
― Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life


I have been thinking lately about what makes a story.
But more than that, what makes a story something you actually would want to read.
What makes a story great?
Perhaps I am thinking even more about this, since I am reading a new book my son gave to us by Donald Miller.  (same book as the above quote is taken from)

Reality is, I have been thinking of writing my story. BUT ~  That is not a new thought, but one that began with the death of my mom.  I wrote quite a few pages, and then put it down.  With the death of my dad a year and a bit later, I picked up my pen again, and began to write some more.  My mom passed away in 1996 and my dad in 1997 so you see, writing my story has been on my mind a lot!

I have no idea who would read my story, but I feel that it is one that I want to put down in print.  Perhaps for the sake of my kids, or mores for my grandkids.
I think part of my desire to do so, comes from wishing I knew more about my heritage.
My dad began writing his story a short time before he passed away.  I have those chapters that were edited.  I heard my dad was not impressed with his editor.  I am thinking that perhaps my dad's style of writing needed some work.  Kind of like mine.  I know that I put too many dashes into my writing.  And I also put too many dots ....
And sometimes I don't even have a proper sentence structure.  One person who just lately proofed something for me said that she didn't want to proof too much, otherwise it wouldn't "sound" like me any more.  Funny hey.

So I want to write my story.  I have even thought of a title, something to the effect of "Just an ordinary Girl"  I feel ordinary.  And then I feel extraordinary for Jesus.  Not an either or.  Just the joint reality of who I think I was and am.  I have likely totally confused you.

A story.  We all have a story.
So, how to we tell it?
Year by year
Experience by experience
Moment by moment
Encounter by encounter
Teachable moments
Hard moments
Joyful moments
Moments of fear, and risk.  (that would be a huge part of my story)

What makes up a story? And why would I think I have something that is worth writing down for someone else to read?

Personally, I know my story is one that begins with someone very ordinary (Me) born into an ordinary and very loving family, grows up to be an ordinary teenager (whose most rebellious thing was to smoke a couple Players cigarettes while I was in grade 8).  And this ordinary girl fell in love with an ordinary but very exceptional guy (my husband) and got married and had ordinary (okay, scratch that one!!) NOTHING ORDINARY about my kids :) ... and it just gets better with my grandchildren!!

Thing is - while I think I am just an ordinary girl, I see how God's hand on my life, has made me extraordinary and beautiful and He has written a story of my life that only God could have written.  Somehow I just want to capture a bit of that on paper!! SO that is one of my goals for this year.  To write my story.  Complete with dashes.  Complete with dots.  Complete with unstructured sentences perhaps.  But it will be my story.  And maybe no one except my kids will read it.  I am okay with that.  All I know is that it is begging to be told, and well, I know that when God does something - the glory is all his.  So Lord, I am thanking you in advance for whatever you do with my story - whether I give it verbally in a Sunday School presentations, or Ladies Group talk or whether it is my story told over a cup of coffee in my favorite coffee shop.  Wherever - God - I give you my words, my story - which you have written - and I ask you to use it - each word, each sentence, each page, each chapter - for your honor and glory Lord.  All. For. You.

Just today's thoughts, from one ordinary woman!

what FAITH can do

There are two songs that I have heard over and over and over again. They have spoken into my dry broken heart alot. And now, even though God has brought joy to us again... this song still speaks to my heart. It is by the band KUTLESS and called What Faith Can Do.

The song - it just feels like it is honest ... I like that. Honesty. Transparency. Of course that makes you vulnerable. Sometimes that hurts. Sometimes honestly bites you in the butt. Personally, I believe it is the only way to go. "Honesty is the best policy" as the old quote goes. (I can just hear my mom saying that! Oh Mom, I miss you so much!)

Rising from the ashes and making a new beginning. Got that one. Totally get it.
Finding the strength to rise. In my weakness, HE makes me strong. Only God!!

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains. HOPE that doesn't ever end. Miracles just happen." Actually there are times when I knew God could perform a miracle and well - he chose not to. Or should I clarify - He chose to do not what I thought was best for me or us - but what HE KNEW was best for us. That was His right. That was His decision! I will be totally honest that since we lost our little Jay that day... I have had to work through (although not through yet) exactly WHY God chooses to do one miracle, but not the next? but still - I BELIEVE GOD IS SOVEREIGN! Therefore - I may wonder why - but the bottom line is GOD IS GOD!

The other day I was at Josh and Leah's church - Assiniboia Community Church - and listed to Pastor Larmour speak. I loved the story he used of the two men at a youth gathering. One got up to talk about how he was on his way - and out of gas and he prayed and asked the Lord to perform a miracle - and put gas in the car - and well - he turned the key and voila! it started!! God answered that prayer. It was a miracle. And then an older man, whom Pastor Larmour said was a wise and Godly man - this man stood up at the same gathering, right after the younger man had shared about his miracle - and this older man shared that he had a similar experience. He also was out of gas. He also prayed and asked God for a miracle. He also waited - but God did not "put gas in the car" so to speak. Hmm.... how to explain it? Well - God is God and HE is Sovereign. He chooses to do as He wills. Of course - we don't get it.... which makes sense, because we don't always "get" what God is doing. I always thought that "when I get to heaven, I will ask God some of these questions." But now I figure - that when I am home in heaven - I won't be worrying about the answers anymore!!

Those are my 2 cents for now. I am tired. My sweetheart is already snoring in the chair beside me. Gotta head up to bed. It is only after 10 but it has been a full day.

I leave you with the lyrics from Kutless: What Faith Can Do.
Hope they also speak to you.

~What Faith Can Do ~

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think its more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can!

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise


P.S. Of course - I could not do a thing without my Lord. Jesus Christ - the same yesterday, today and forever!! You are Sovereign. You are GOD!

Beauty will rise...

So, as you can see, I have posted a few fun pictures and also had some fun with color and font! It's long, but its my thoughts. Read as much as you want, or some, or none! Just enjoy!

(this picture is taken from my window this morning)

It is an amazing morning.... outside the hoarfrost on the trees makes for a spectacular "christmas card" picture. As I sit in the room, looking out of the big picture window - I am awed by the creative God that I love!! (although last night I was not so thrilled as I drove home late through dense fog!) Without the low cloud, we would not have such a spectacular frost!

I got up early, to the banter of my man who is always so perky and chipper in the morning. Always has been and still is!! Sometime you will have to ask Ash about how her dad would do his early morning daNce around the dining room much to our chagrin! (somehow non-morning people never appreciate this!) HOWEVER I think I am becoming a morning person! (Thank you Lord, this has been my desire for a long time!)

So this morning, alongside of my man's banter, was the smell of a fresh strong pot of coffee brewing downstairs. I had prepared it last night to go off to drip at 6:30. Ah, the smell of fresh coffee.

At this time, which is just past noon, I am enjoying a second pot. I have enjoyed an amazing QT with the my Lord, and began the day with physical exercise as well. Right now, I have decided to post some thoughts, since it has been a while. Seems the week just flew by.

(when Everett came to our house on Sunday, and Poppa was uncovering him, this is how we found him - hat slipped down over his eyes. So cute!)

Let's see, first of all, there was some Granny time with our little Everett, a visit with Leyla (from the clinic for natural medicine ~ I bit the bullet, and got back on the wagon of right eating!!) and had a visit at the Beausejour hospital Audiology dept (to check out why my ears ring, and whether my hearing loss is true or not). Then there was some more Ev time and a lunch with my longest friend Jo, and then another lunch visit with my friends Linda and Kim, and then helping get ready for a baby shower on Sunday (wherein Leah and Everett especially was totally LOVED ON!) and also our kids came to visit on Saturday and the boys helped Alvin with getting some wood.

(Springfield Road has been the road our family has walked on more times than we could ever count. The road where many tears have fallen. The road where today, great joy accompanied us on our walk!)

I enjoyed a walk down Springfield road with Leah, Ash and little Ev in the stroller, and a few hugs from family and friends that met to honor our little Ev, and then yesterday I weighed in again with Leyla (down 3lbs, hopefully on the downward journey again!) and began a Beth Moore Bible Study last night. (big breath) It has been a FULL week.

Oh, and I almost forgot ~ in there at the beginning of the week ~ we met with Jerald about the plans for our house/retreat house...and we are closer to being done the plans I think. Never thought it would be such a journey just to get the right ideas and space/size down on paper! (we are so thankful for Jerald P. ~ honestly, what a gift from God for us and the ministry).

So that was my week! Yes, again BIG BREATH!! Breathe in, breathe out!! In there was a good mix of pain. Seems the fibromyalgia stuff just hangs on. Last week I woke up with it, I worked through my day with it, I went to bed with it... always seems to be there. I often wonder if this is what my mom had too, as I often remember her up and sleeping in her chair. Gotta just keep moving through it. (my old motto from 2006 was "whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger")

My week was also punctuated with other pain too. Pain that just doesn't go to far from us. I know, you have heard this in my blog often. Pain over losing Jay Benjamin. I realized as I held our second little Grandson Everett John, that jOy and pain are such close partners it feels like. Our hearts overflow with the jOy that Everett's birth has brought. jOy comes in the morNing... TOTALLY!! We sometimes just catch ourselves standing over him - watching him sleep, smiling at his little sighs (and he has begun to coo...) We have taken hundreds of pictures! (Not sure how big they make Grandma's Brag Books!!) The reality though, as we cuddle and hold him, there is and always will be the reality that we lost Jay and that has left a huge hole in our hearts that I believe will always be there, until we die and get to see him again in Heaven.

My heart continues to be punctuated with pain of broken relationships (friendships) that I keep giving to God and saying, "God, I don't know how to give this totally to you. I don't understand, but I don't want it to control my life. It sometimes feels like it is killing me slowly." (I don't want to sound like a drama queen, but it is just how it sometimes feels... like a silent killer). I guess for me, the hardest thing is that there doesn't seem to be a resolution. Perhaps this is where we just have to (as my dad used to say) "agree to disagree" and carry on with life. Thing is - with Alvin and I ~ we just can't seem to "put things in boxes" so to speak. Some people can put "family" in this box here, and "friends" in another box, and "church" in this box, and "work" in another box etc... and can function without the "boxes" touching one another. Neither of us can live that way. Our lives are all mixed and open and touching... SO needless to say, it is hard when brokenness happens. We are not about "pretending"... so it was that this morning in my QT with the Lord, I gave it to Him again, and asked Him to do his will in ME.... to have his way in MY life... to change ME. The rest? That is totally up to the Holy Spirit. I have to believe that. I have to trUst God on that. In the meantime, I think God has alot of work to do in just me!! (does He ever sigh when he realizes that!)

BUT.... let me tell you about the jOy. Cuddling my grandson Everett, feeling his little chest as he breaths. Laughing with my husband. Feeling the warm weather outside! (compared to -30 celcius, we are being spoiled!) Having a laugh over lunch with friends. Warm Hugs. Friendly phonecalls.

(this is a picture of our little one, enjoying some "tummy time" at home!)

More Granny time. Seeing my husband gushing over his Grandson! Oh, and the Blue Jay sighting one morning which was a very specific "kiss" from God. I have also had jOy over seeing the birds at the feeder that I put up, loving the smell of the wood as it burns in boiler (even if after I load it I smell like a smokie hot dog!) There is jOy in every little facial expression, and snuggle, and sounds we hear from Everett. jOy in the beauty of frost on the trees, the feel of my dog's fur as I pet him, and the music I hear around me!

MUSIC! Ah, I found an amazing new CD. Beautywillrise by Steven Curtis Chapman. (check out internet for the story behind the CD cover) Not sure if you all know the tragedy that hit their family in May of 2008. Their little girl Maria, was killed in an accident where she was hit by a vehicle driven by her brother. Theirs is a story of deep pain and sorrow... and out of the ashes, he has written some beautiful songs. I listen and I feel like he knows our pain. I feel like his words are our words exactly. I feel like with this CD he brings jOy, and hope into the pain. He also talks about hope, and beauty from ashes, and jOy that comes with the morning. Hope you will check it out for yourself, and even download it off ITUNES or buy the CD. In the meantime, I will keep listening. I think maybe there is a blog that will come further in regards to this CD.

Today dear one, if you are still reading after this yet another LENGTHY blogpost.... please know that God is there in the every-dayness of life - the same way he is there in the jOy and in the pain. God is GOD and I will trust him. May peace be yours today - amidst whatever you are walking through in life. He is there with you, by your side, and often carrying you. Psalm 31: 14 NIV says it like this: But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God."