I got up early, to the banter of my man who is always so perky and chipper in the morning. Always has been and still is!! Sometime you will have to ask Ash about how her dad would do his early morning daNce around the dining room much to our chagrin! (somehow non-morning people never appreciate this!) HOWEVER I think I am becoming a morning person! (Thank you Lord, this has been my desire for a long time!)
So this morning, alongside of my man's banter, was the smell of a fresh strong pot of coffee brewing downstairs. I had prepared it last night to go off to drip at 6:30. Ah, the smell of fresh coffee.
At this time, which is just past noon, I am enjoying a second pot. I have enjoyed an amazing QT with the my Lord, and began the day with physical exercise as well. Right now, I have decided to post some thoughts, since it has been a while. Seems the week just flew by.
(when Everett came to our house on Sunday, and Poppa was uncovering him, this is how we found him - hat slipped down over his eyes. So cute!)
Let's see, first of all, there was some Granny time with our little Everett, a visit with Leyla (from the clinic for natural medicine ~ I bit the bullet, and got back on the wagon of right eating!!) and had a visit at the Beausejour hospital Audiology dept (to check out why my ears ring, and whether my hearing loss is true or not). Then there was some more Ev time and a lunch with my longest friend Jo, and then another lunch visit with my friends Linda and Kim, and then helping get ready for a baby shower on Sunday (wherein Leah and Everett especially was totally LOVED ON!) and also our kids came to visit on Saturday and the boys helped Alvin with getting some wood.
(Springfield Road has been the road our family has walked on more times than we could ever count. The road where many tears have fallen. The road where today, great joy accompanied us on our walk!)
Oh, and I almost forgot ~ in there at the beginning of the week ~ we met with Jerald about the plans for our house/retreat house...and we are closer to being done the plans I think. Never thought it would be such a journey just to get the right ideas and space/size down on paper! (we are so thankful for Jerald P. ~ honestly, what a gift from God for us and the ministry).
So that was my week! Yes, again BIG BREATH!! Breathe in, breathe out!! In there was a good mix of pain. Seems the fibromyalgia stuff just hangs on. Last week I woke up with it, I worked through my day with it, I went to bed with it... always seems to be there. I often wonder if this is what my mom had too, as I often remember her up and sleeping in her chair. Gotta just keep moving through it. (my old motto from 2006 was "whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger")
My week was also punctuated with other pain too. Pain that just doesn't go to far from us. I know, you have heard this in my blog often. Pain over losing Jay Benjamin. I realized as I held our second little Grandson Everett John, that jOy and pain are such close partners it feels like. Our hearts overflow with the jOy that Everett's birth has brought. jOy comes in the morNing... TOTALLY!! We sometimes just catch ourselves standing over him - watching him sleep, smiling at his little sighs (and he has begun to coo...) We have taken hundreds of pictures! (Not sure how big they make Grandma's Brag Books!!) The reality though, as we cuddle and hold him, there is and always will be the reality that we lost Jay and that has left a huge hole in our hearts that I believe will always be there, until we die and get to see him again in Heaven.
My heart continues to be punctuated with pain of broken relationships (friendships) that I keep giving to God and saying, "God, I don't know how to give this totally to you. I don't understand, but I don't want it to control my life. It sometimes feels like it is killing me slowly." (I don't want to sound like a drama queen, but it is just how it sometimes feels... like a silent killer). I guess for me, the hardest thing is that there doesn't seem to be a resolution. Perhaps this is where we just have to (as my dad used to say) "agree to disagree" and carry on with life. Thing is - with Alvin and I ~ we just can't seem to "put things in boxes" so to speak. Some people can put "family" in this box here, and "friends" in another box, and "church" in this box, and "work" in another box etc... and can function without the "boxes" touching one another. Neither of us can live that way. Our lives are all mixed and open and touching... SO needless to say, it is hard when brokenness happens. We are not about "pretending"... so it was that this morning in my QT with the Lord, I gave it to Him again, and asked Him to do his will in ME.... to have his way in MY life... to change ME. The rest? That is totally up to the Holy Spirit. I have to believe that. I have to trUst God on that. In the meantime, I think God has alot of work to do in just me!! (does He ever sigh when he realizes that!)
BUT.... let me tell you about the jOy. Cuddling my grandson Everett, feeling his little chest as he breaths. Laughing with my husband. Feeling the warm weather outside! (compared to -30 celcius, we are being spoiled!) Having a laugh over lunch with friends. Warm Hugs. Friendly phonecalls.
(this is a picture of our little one, enjoying some "tummy time" at home!)
More Granny time. Seeing my husband gushing over his Grandson! Oh, and the Blue Jay sighting one morning which was a very specific "kiss" from God. I have also had jOy over seeing the birds at the feeder that I put up, loving the smell of the wood as it burns in boiler (even if after I load it I smell like a smokie hot dog!) There is jOy in every little facial expression, and snuggle, and sounds we hear from Everett. jOy in the beauty of frost on the trees, the feel of my dog's fur as I pet him, and the music I hear around me!
MUSIC! Ah, I found an amazing new CD. Beautywillrise by Steven Curtis Chapman. (check out internet for the story behind the CD cover) Not sure if you all know the tragedy that hit their family in May of 2008. Their little girl Maria, was killed in an accident where she was hit by a vehicle driven by her brother. Theirs is a story of deep pain and sorrow... and out of the ashes, he has written some beautiful songs. I listen and I feel like he knows our pain. I feel like his words are our words exactly. I feel like with this CD he brings jOy, and hope into the pain. He also talks about hope, and beauty from ashes, and jOy that comes with the morning. Hope you will check it out for yourself, and even download it off ITUNES or buy the CD. In the meantime, I will keep listening. I think maybe there is a blog that will come further in regards to this CD.
Today dear one, if you are still reading after this yet another LENGTHY blogpost.... please know that God is there in the every-dayness of life - the same way he is there in the jOy and in the pain. God is GOD and I will trust him. May peace be yours today - amidst whatever you are walking through in life. He is there with you, by your side, and often carrying you. Psalm 31: 14 NIV says it like this: But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God."