As I said – my morning had me taking a long good look “inside” so to speak. I realized that this year begins with much hope, much joy, and great expectation that this year will be full of good surprise and tons of laughter, love and family and friends. At the same time, I realize that there is a lot that I am still processing, working through, coming to grips with, mourning, and celebrating. The whole gamut of emotions, the whole gamut of thoughts.
I never make “resolutions” so to speak. I sometimes recommit to “goals”. Perhaps it is the same idea, just different words! Regardless, each year it is the same process – I usually take a look at what I wrote the year before, on January 1st. I also take a look at what I was trying to do at the end of the year, and whether or not it is worthy enough to carry over and keep working at. I also try to be open to a “verse” that God impresses on my heart – scripture that I can “make mine” for the New Year.
So, after a couple cups of good black coffee (fresh ground from Mountain Bean) – I sat down to read, to think, to journal. Here are some of my thoughts. You will see that they focus primarily around specific areas!
My thoughts focused around our Grandsons. It is no secret that the recent birth of our little Everett John brought great great joy. However it also brought the loss of our little Jay to the forefront again. Alvin and I continue to work through this very tangible combination of joy mixed with grief. Someone said to me yesterday, when I mentioned the great joy that we have experienced with our little Everett’s birth, they said to me “so the grief is done now?” (Sigh) I said in response, “no, I don’t think our grief will ever be done. I believe it will always be there (as long as I live) but it will look different with time.” I also said, “with our second little grandson’s birth, it was just a reminder that he should have his big 1 ½ year old brother looking at him, touching him and wanting to be near. It just makes the loss so real again.”
We (Alvin and I) are also constantly walking around, looking at our pictures (on our computer, on our fridge, in our “brag book” and trying to figure out just HOW much a grandparent is allowed to visit without being too much?? What IS too much… is that possible with grandparents? (Smile) This time next year, we will be (Lord Willing) living 5 minutes drive by car, from Josh & Leah’s, and will be closer to Ash and Michael as a result too. (once we live on Henderson Hwy.) I look forward to being that close, so that if the grandkids want to come over by bike, or snowmobile – we can just watch for them in our back yard!
So – back to the question… what is too much, or too often? I guess when we were raising our babies, we didn’t take note of what our parents did, or how often they came over. Somehow, it doesn’t seem to matter what they ~ we just felt like we want to see and hold our little one! Guess I will have to ask the kids some day if there is an answer to this! (Smile) Somehow it feels like we won’t ever be able to “get enough” of our grandkids! I figure that’s a good thing! That’s how it is with our kids, so of course it would be that way with our grandkids!
So then – the other big thing I was thinking of on this first day of the year – was my recommitment to get rid of some extra weight that I have coddled and carried for the last 20+ years. It was very interesting – yesterday as I stood in Chapters book store, I saw people checking out the “DIET AND FITNESS” section. Book upon book – how to lose weight in 4 days – how to be a better YOU – etc… Now, in the past – I likely would have been buying a book too. Believe me, I have paid more money into “diets” and books on diets ~ it is actually pretty embarrassing that I have wasted so much money and still carry around the 60 lbs in spite of what I have read, or what I have tried, or what I have paid money too thinking that “THIS TIME IT IS GOING TO WORK” only to go great-guns for three weeks and then fall off the proverbial wagon!!
I actually finished reading a book that Valerie Bertinelli wrote about her life, her struggle to lose weight – her victory. It was really good. She brings “faith in God” into the mix.
So, today, I looked through magazines, books, “program” information about weight loss and then ~ THEN I realized I don’t need any thing or any one to tell me what I already know. I know what I need to do. I know how. I just have to keep committed and just DO IT! I had lost 15 lbs between the last week of August and end of November. And then I sort of got a little overwhelmed and worked through the anxiety of my life with reverting to quick food fixes which usually contained sugar and white flour (which I was trying to avoid like the flu!) I also have not talked with my accountability partner for ages. Elizabeth got a really bad laryngitis (spelling??) and couldn’t talk for a long time.
So like I said today I realized that I have the knowledge. It is no secret. I know what to do. It involves exercise (which I really don’t mind after I get going) and attitude (YES I CAN DO IT!) and drinking WATER and changing my eating habits to cut our white sugar and white flour. This should be something I do even for no other reason other than cutting out the white stuff makes my fibromyalgia flare-ups less! Less Pain daily is a perk I figure.
Unfortunately I gained a few pounds back, so it is not 15 anymore, but hopefully I can get on the downswing again starting today! WEIGHT LOSS ON THE SCALE ISN”T EVERYTHING but for me, it does represent the fact that I am expending more calories than I am taking in, and that just makes me feel good.
So I have set some goals again – short term, and also long term. I have looked at how to get back on the “wagon” – and what to do with the emotional eating! Whether I want to admit it or not – it feels like an addiction. I am currently watching my brother as he has now been 6 months clean and in an addiction program. I am so proud of him, and at the same time wonder why I am not as successful… God is working in me, and has seemed to impress a lot of truth on my heart today. So – here is to kicking it up a notch and getting rid of the weight in 2010. O Lord, you are my strength. One place in scripture, I forget the reference, it says that “with God I can scale a wall” and I figure that the “wall” I need to scale is the WEIGHT issue and well, WITH GOD I CAN!!
When I was thinking of “life” today – and journaling, God impressed a verse on my heart – and it was the verse in Philippians 3: 13b – 14
“…but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.”
Somehow I just felt like God was saying to me – Joy just keep moving ahead – one step at a time – moving forward – trust me on this – keep moving ahead – don’t look back at the past anymore, don’t beat yourself up for things that happened, or things that you didn’t do – or weight that you didn’t lose – just keep moving ahead!!
I know that God’s heavenly prize for me is way beyond what I could ever imagine! In the meantime, I believe He wants me to give him all of the stuff I am mulling over, working through in my life! And well – He is the only one that can keep carrying me through this entire journey! So – I am going to try to do just that – press on!!
I was just thinking – I need to get a “slogan/motto” for 2010. i.e. “did great in 2008” or “looking fine in 2009” so – what could I use for 2010? Any ideas? Feel free to give me some!
Enough rambling – gotta go and make some supper for my man! To you and yours – a Happy New Year to all of you reading this lengthy blog! May God bless you way beyond what you would ever ask or imagine! God is God and God is good! Blessings!!