Autumn Melancholy

 

Autumn Dances ...

The leaves blow in the wind

Dry ... Brown

Crunchy under my feet

Wind blown

And like a carpet covering the garden paths

A bit too early for my liking however

As if that matters as autumn does its thing no matter whether we want it or not

With the wind, the leaves disapear off the trees

And all of a sudden the brilliant color

Turns into greys and browns

The starkness of barren trees

Reminds me that the cold I feel on these mornings

Is just a little foretaste of what is to come 

That is is just going to get colder ... and colder

And the garden's flourishing summer green will be just a memory

As it is heading towards its long winters nap

And once the snow falls (hopefully not for a while yet)

But with the first snow covering the garden

We know that it is then that 

It feels like we can take a breath 

Geese are flying overhead

At times they are so high, and you know they are headed for the south

However we watch other geese flying

First of all south and then back north, in circles

(In patterns that seem to resemble the way my heart feels at times these days)

A bit haphazard

Scattered

Anxious

They know that the loud booms in the early morning ...

are gunshots

Reminding them that their life and death is a mere bullet shot away

If the hunter is successful in his shot

Do these geese flying in what looks like circles

actually know that their life is in danger

That they can be flying one moment

And then not?

I wonder …

The Blue Jays are at the feeders 

And these days I can not keep the peanuts on the plate

Sometimes they land on the feeder and their crest is standing up

As they dominate the peanut plate

I always smile as they come one after the other

It reminds me of sitting and watching the planes coming into the Chicago airport - 

one barely lands when you see the lights of the next, and the next and the next

This feathered line up of Jays

Lined up on the porch banister, 

Or Sitting in the eaves waiting

Usually patiently

Pickup and shake

Trying to get more than one into their beaks

Sometimes returning with the peanut only to drop it

And pic up another one

Sometimes they sit at the empty plate, facing the window

and do their cawing

Do they know they are my favorite bird, 

and that their call catches my attention and brings a smile to my face

(do they know that - when I go out and fill the plate, and call to them?)

Inside my warm house

I have rearranged some seating so that now

I have a favorite chair situated in the corner

and turned so that the view of the outside is before me

This is where I breathe deeply and exhale even deeper!

Sit

Rest

Talk with he Lord

Journal

Pray

Watch

Think

This has become my place to have my quiet time with my LORD.

This is where we talk.  

Father to Daughter

This is where I imagine crawling up on to His lap

and just laying my head on his chest, and feeling the beat of his heart for me.

He calls me Beloved

And I know how loved I am!

The sun shines in

And God reminds me with his creation

Of his goodness

And his mercy towards me

Mercies new and fresh every single morning

Sometimes I take that for granted

Sunsets are brilliant from this vantage point

Always different

And as the darkness comes and the stars and planets shine

Once again God shows off through his creation

I sit in this place

In this quiet corner

With Him

And in the quietness inside

And the beauty outside

He speaks and lets me know again and again

What an amazing Father He is.

In this place I come often

My heart sometimes feels a type of sadness

Which at times I can not quite put my finger on

And yet I know that this melancholy is okay for me

The “happy-sad-pensiveness” …

I sit aware of my fragile being

Physical - mental - emotional - spiritual

I sit knowing that HE, the creator, looks at me, his created and smiles

He knows me so well ..

He reminds me of my favourite psalm 139

That it doesn’t matter where I go - whether I sit, or stand, or lay down ..

He is there

My heart sighs as I think of the words “he hems me in”

And realize I am never ever outside of his arms.

The melancholy never gives me warning

And sometimes it covers me like a big wet quilt

And if I am honest, I sometimes wonder if the old “black dog” is back in my yard

But the thing that is different is that I recognize it quickly

And am able to sit and talk with the LORD about it

And the Holy Spirit helps to discern and to guide me through the melancholy

And I realize it isn’t always a bad thing

But it is real, and I believe helps me to be able to walk alongside of another

When needed

And it seems like lately, in the ministry I am involved in - God is using this in my life

To help me minister to others

These days especially it seems

that there are many people needing someone to sit with, someone to listen, 

someone who will care enough to pray for them...

And for that Holy Spirit, I am thankful for your presence, your wisdom and guidance

It seems that this season

Carries with it a type of melancholy that is characteristic of fall

Beauty along with ashes

Joy along with sorrow

Life along with death

So here I sit

In the cozy corner

Writing these words while being conscious of the birds at the feeder, 

The gentle sway of stark grey branches

The look of trees still with green foliage, as if tempting fall to come and change them

I sit warm and protected

Knowing that I am also loved, held close, and kept warm

By the embrace of the FATHER

Leaves continue to blow

Branches sway

Dead leaves swirl and gather into piles

Sparrows and nuthatches share the seed

Bluejays collect peanuts

(hopefully the mice are not foraging seed that is falling below the deck, and stuffing the vents in my car with it)

Music plays in the background

And my soul … thank you LORD ..

My soul 

It is well