a few thoughts on Grief

 

Last month in school (SoulCare Spiritual Direction Training) we spent the month on the theme of Grief.  One of my friends said to me that they didn’t think I would have to learn anything else because I have walked closely with grief.  Thing is - I learned a lot.  I am so thankful to Cathy, Corrina and to Beth especially who took us through a session on Grief.

But today, some of these thoughts bubbled to the surface - read them if you wish.  

I sit inside and notice the colours that stream through the prism on the window

Shining onto the floor, the cupboards and the counters

Warming my heart and making me smile

The cold winter wind blows

Snow has stopped but drifting continues

Just to remind us that this is winter

And I want to just hunker down with a good book, 

a hot cup of coffee 

and my heating pad 

The old well used blue one that has travelled the world with me, crossing the ocean, over the mountains, in the valleys and it continues to bring comfort 

Winter is hard

But the sunshine is beautiful and the snow is bright white.

The grasses that turned brown in fall

Are still tall and blowing in the wind of this day

The brave little chickadees are feasting on the new seed block (apply named WINTER) that I put out for them yesterday

And well, it seems like all is well with the world

At least the world that I see out my window.

I sit inside and think of the prayers that I have prayed today

Some are the same as days past

A few new prayer requests come via text … “Joy can you please pray …”

I have sent out a few of my own requests

It is wonderful to have people who you know will pray immediately when you send it

But today the need to pray is strongly felt in my spirit

I have a sense of the need to pray and then pray some more

I have a sense that my old friend Grief is just a bit out of sight

Old friend I say?  Can that really be

That this one that I know as Grief is anything but a thief of happiness and stealer of joy?

I am very aware of Grief - not right beside me, but close enough to know 

How real Grief is

Not something I am every over

Nor something I am ever through 

But instead Grief holds a special place in my journey of life

And in my story that I hold with deep sacredness

And I know that Grief’s presence has changed me, I believe has made me stronger

More compassionate, and has enlarged my faith in the one I know as the great I am.

I’ve been praying today 

and have felt the heavy weight of what is happening with those I know and love

I have become so aware of the responsibility I hold as one who can pray 

and “hold up the arms” of those I love and pray for

As Aaron and Hur did for Moses when they were fighting the Amelikites in Exodus.

As long as Moses hands were up, they were winning.

But as he got tired, they came down, 

and that is where the responsibility came in for Aaron and Hur

To come alongside

To hold up the arms of the weary Moses

So that the battle could be won.

That is how I see prayer.  

That is how I see my responsibility

I also know that when my arms are tired - they are held up by those who pray for me.

And often this prayer is walking close to Grief

So while there is a heavy weight that I feel

It is not one that is strangling me, or causing me to fall because of the weight 

Instead it is the weight of knowing

And I want to be a soul friend who can be there - 

to pray - to listen - to carry - to weep tears with another.

And to watch and see as Grief may or may not make an appearance.

Grief.  

Do I dare call you an old friend?

For I know that at times you were anything but the “darkest night of my soul”

Grief, I know that you sometimes just sit quietly, 

and then I remember something, and you seem to raise your head, and yes, I see you

Somehow Grief, you have not kept the fear that you think you had.

You have not killed me, 

but walking with you in my journey has really helped me to grow stronger.

Funny how that works isn’t it.

So maybe you are an old friend.  

As you have taught me that living life will always involve grief.

And you have shown me that the greater the love, the greater the grief.

You have also shown me that I can sit with other’s in their grief and I can be someone who holds space for them to also sit with you.

Grief you have shown me that as long as I love life, I want to live in the fullness of it

So that you are never reminding me at the end that I have “missed out” on life

I want to live fully.

I want to live a life that is alive.

I am thankful to God for that life, and for this journey that I am on.

And its okay Grief, I am not scared of you any more

Even though I know you will visit again in my lifetime

Instead I want to honour you Grief.  

To honour the losses I have lived

Whether they are little or the big ones that have brought my face to the ground

I know true comfort in my grief happens 

when I acknowledge my pain instead of trying to ignore it or pretend it didn’t happen.

I know that no one can ever take it away, 

but there is beauty in someone coming alongside.

Sitting alongside with Grief and saying, 

"Hey, I am here because I love you ~ And I will stay”