Tuesday, December 17

slow dance of the snowflakes, deepfreeze and broken hearts

The sky is grey and overcast &
nature  around us looks bleak, 
a mixture of greys and blacks with the dark green of the pines mixed in ~
like a promise that all is not dead, but merely asleep for a while.
The freezing cold has let up a little
and I actually ventured outdoors to sweep off the deck without a jacket.
Compared to the deep freeze of the last week
it felt like a wonderful reprieve.

Although the sky is grey, and the sun is hiding~
there is a strange calm.
a peace
a tangible stillness
that makes me want to stand still and drink it all in
one frosty breath at a time.

Snowflakes are falling. 
It reminds me of a slow dance with a beloved partner
or of the snow globes I loved  to shake as a child.
(and even more as an adult)
The flakes fall and accumulate  in a fresh white and fluffy blanket
covering the dark earth below, that is asleep ~
sound asleep
for a few months.

Birds are coming to the feeder that is covered with a few inches of snow
however with a flick of their head and beak
they find and grab the seed that is hidden under the  snow
and fly away as if they have a hidden treasure.
(if He cares about these birds, how much more He cares for me)

how can it be
so silent?
and yet oh so loud
as creation sings.

do  snowflakes make a sound as they touch the ground
do frozen and barren branches play music as they rub against one another in the wind
do icles tinkle as they break or drip in the  sun
and do the birds speak in a  language of their own, as they call one another to the feeder
O how it sings!

And I
take in the sight
the sound
the feel
of winter
my heart and thoughts jumbled
and tears fall frequently
as if the emotional roller coaster is on a ride
that doesn't stop.

sometimes the awareness of such deep hurt and grief
of pain and loss
of shattered dreams and broken hearts
is more than I can bear
and He reminds me I don't bear it alone.

the pain of loved ones
stumbling through their days
with grief that is so fresh
even though months have passed by, one after another.
sometimes too slowly
other times all to quick
time  ~ are you our Friend or our foe?

my grieving has taken on a new season too
and even though it looks somewhat different than it did five years ago
it is still ever present
which I was reminded of the other day
when  I spoke of a kindness done for me
that of a young woman asking me  (in the fresh rawness of losing our Jay) 
if I would like to hold her newborn
I wept then
and I wept the other day as I shared that story with her dad

my heart is freshly broken
for family and friends~
so new in their walk of grief
that they are still just trying to stand
before they trust their legs to carry them on the journey...
trying to get up from under the incredible pain
and  likely never believe that there will ever be 
beauty or wholeness or laughter
in their lives again.

and as this snow falls
it somehow brings a tranquility
an assurance
a peace
and solitude.
there is just something about the newness of the snow
life giving.

we watch as this season of ice and snow
of winter wrath 
sometimes dumping its fury
and other times reminding us that it is winter
but spring will follow.
and for that I am so thankful

our hearts
almost dead feeling
cracked under the pressure of the season
they will experience the beauty of rich warm soil
hot sun 
and warm breezes
I know this
because it has been my experience
and because I know
for sure 
that Spring and Summer always follow winter


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