peanuts

I sit here in the early part of the morning, breathing in, breathing out.  Thankful.  Feeling blessed amidst any of the anxiety that runs across my heart and in my mind.  And the blue sky, the sunshine and the creation on the other side of the window pane absolutely warms my heart.  God does that.  In the midst of it all.  "Your will be done, your kingdom come, here ~ the midst of my life, my world ~ as it is in Heaven."

I sit here, cozied up in the big white chair.  (Do any of your remember the friendly giant TV show, when his hand would come and arrange the miniature chairs in front of the fireplace and say "and here's a big chair to curl up in" ... well that is me this morning.  I am waiting for a retreater to come for a day retreat.  She has done this before several times.  She knows the ropes, and so I get to relax too.  My favourite gluten free scone recipe are baked and on a plate if she cares to enjoy.  And me - I have one too, along with my favorite tea.  It is a good morning and I am thankful that God does allow his will to be done, and his kingdom come here, in my life, as it is in Heaven.

Outside of my window, on the post of our deck is a square plate that was full of peanuts in the shell.  I heard this from my friend Gisele, who told me about her husband Ron feeding the Jays.  And so that year I began buying peanuts in the shell. Not just little bag but a HUGE SACK full, and have bought a few sack fulls since!  I love watching them - they come and sit on the plate, pick up a peanut, shake it, drop it, and to this over and over again until they select the one they want.  I have always wondered if they are checking to see the weight, or if they can tell if it has one or two or three peanuts inside.  And sometimes they put one in their mouth and tip their head back and try to get another one in.  I have read that they take them as far as two miles away.

Peanuts.  Who would have thought that a mere peanut.  Not roasted.  Not salted.  Not barbecued lol
Peanuts in the shell - would be the thing that would bring them to the feeder in a flurry - one after another - waiting in line at times.  Reminds me of how planes at a big airport sit in a holding pattern ready to take off, one after another after another.  This is the Blue Jays that are occupying my time this morning, as I sit in the big comfy chair.

But unlike any other day, one of the Jays is sitting on the hand railing doing down the steps to the walkway.  He has een sitting there for a long time.  Every so often he turns his heard as if he is gazing at me.  I notice how the white and blue markings on his wings that are tucked in, make a beautiful mosaic, like a stone glass mosaic.  And I marvel again at the way God has created all the bird species different and oh so beautiful.

He is sitting, watching.  Not clamouring at the dish for peanuts.  Perhaps he has already had his fill.  I am intrigued by this other than ordinary behaviour as usually they come, pick up and flit away.  But he is just sitting.  Retreating lol  only now to fly up, look around, pick a peanut treat and fly away.

Peanuts.  Simple.  Brown.  Unassuming. Peanuts in a shell.

I realize a lot by watching the Jays outside my window.  If you have read my blog posts since 2008 you will know that when we lost our grandson Jay Benjamin, we adopted the BlueJay as our family logo (for lack of a better word).  We named our business Blue Jay Family Works.  Alvin, Josh, Ashley and Michael had tattoos of blue jays done.  (my tattoo did not include a blue jay but it was Jay related).  At that time, I had not seen any Blue Jays in our yard in Anola, and they began coming - steadily.  Story after Story I could relate, and I began to call the Blue Jay sightings "kisses from God" to me.   Thus began our intrigue and love of the Blue Jay.  A raucous bird and somewhat aggressive - but oh I love them.  God has used them greatly in my life.

So here I sit, having just welcomed, talked with and prayed with my day retreater.  I am reminded over and over of God's presence in our lives, in the deep deep places.  And I see the peanuts that bring us joy along our day.  Simple yet profound JOY.
As I sit here, with each peanut that is scooped out of the feeder.  With each call of the birds, I am reminded that I am so greatly loved, carried and blessed by our LORD GOD.

So LORD today, may YOUR kingdom come, your will be done on earth (in my life, in my family, in my home) as it is in Heaven.  I love you LORD.

You've Finished Well - Captain Klassen

I  will never forget the day.  It was a day that we were getting ready to go on a holiday to Banff.  

To be honest, I am not sure why or how I found the ad that said the City of Wpg was hiring.  But I remember bringing to Alvin’s attention.  He was currently working at a lumber yard, and in charge of the hardware dept.  I should note that up to this time he had never expressed any interest in trying out for the fire department.  However this news brought some excitement.

We went on our trip, and came back and began to get things in order for him to apply.

Driver’s Abstract, and his report card from Grade 12 (not so great I might add!)   He went to apply, and then went through the physical testing, and then the stress testing, and then an interview.  We prayed that if this was God’s will, he would move forward in the steps toward hiring.  Then we heard in late fall that his file was being put on hold for the time being, as they had filled the class.  While we were disappointed, we trusted God and continued on with our lives.  

Fast forward to the next summer.   My sister had come over to our house (we lived side by side in the country) and our phone rang, so she answered it.  She told me she said she was the housecleaner!  She quickly called me to say that Alvin had been put into the next class to begin in September, and that he needed to call.  We were so surprised.  We had pretty much thought that we would not hear from the department and had just carried on with life.

At that time, back in 1986, he didn’t have to go away to Fire School in Brandon like our son did.  No, the city outfitted each person, and they were put on payroll the first day that their school began.  Quite different than now.  Alvin studied hard.  I remember those days, as I was working, and also studying myself for my ECE III.  AND we had a four year old and a one year old.  When he graduated, he was honored for being the top of his class!  WOW, who would have thought with the report card evidence from grade !2!!  The night we celebrated with the class at  Mother Tuckers, we were so surprised to come out a couple hours later and find a full blown snow storm happening - November 6, 1986.  We barely made it home. 

Alvin’s career has been full, like every other firefighter.  But there were a few things that I think made Alvin stand out.  One thing was that he had this thing about him and he was often teased in those days about being the guy who was seen reassuring the little old lady by holding her hand, or by talking out life with an inebriated person, or just chatting with people who had needs.  I witness this myself often, as people would just walk over to him.  I believe it was because he was kind, loving and fair.  Years of being in the inner city could have hardened him, but yet he continued to do his job with the love of Christ shining through him.

I know that each family, and each firefighter may deal with what they see in different ways.  Some drink to deal with the hard stuff.   That was never Alvin’s thing.  I don’t believe there was ever a day when I didn’t ask him how his day was, and that he shared.  I did not mind hearing the stories.  Not that they were always easy to hear - because they weren’t.  However, I knew that the fact that we were married, we were in this all together.   And the stories were hard.  His first suicide.  Suicides were always hard.  Accidents that happened because someone was drunk.  Those were hard especially when the drunk walked away, and the inn cent one died, or was in critical.   I remember him talking about the hard calls - those that involved babies.  Those were never easy.  NEVER.  And after we lost our Jay, these calls took on an even harder time.  

When Josh was five, he said he wanted to be a firefighter.  At the age of 20 he graduated as a Fire Medic (I hope I have that right) and I was so proud!  Two men in blue shirts ... two men that were serving others.  Thing is, never would I have expected that there would be deep pain either, as both Josh and Alvin were involved in accidents that were tragic.  While they were 8 years apart, both included someone being hit by a firetruck and killed.  Both accidents happened on the same street just a block or two apart.  While Alvin was there for Josh in 2003, in 2011 Josh was there for his dad in the same way.  What are the odds of that happening - two tragedies involving two firefighters in the same family?  

You know, I never worried about the boys.  It was their job, and God knew about them.  I didn’t worry.  Okay, maybe once in a while, but not normally. They saved lives, fought fires.  They rushed in when people would be rushing out.  Yes, I prayed for them, but I didn’t worry.  I just entrusted them to the LORD.

Today, Alvin finished.  He shared that there were a few times this morning when we were taking pictures, that it felt pretty emotional.  Of course it would. You don’t leave a long career without feeling emotional!  This was his life.  This was his crew.  This was his decision that now was the time.  He was not yet retirement age, but he wanted to finish well and after talking about it for a year, he finally picked a date and got the ball rolling.  It was his choice but still, it was a hard choice.  He was leaving a “family” behind, and would not live through the stories of his son from here on in.  He will see firefighters from time to time, but it would be different.  Life carries on.  The sense of belonging changes.  He has moved from 2 Platoon to 5 Platoon.  He will see firetrucks rushing to calls and know that he has finished rushing.  He will go to bed knowing he will never be woken up during the night by another gong just when he was deep in sleep.  He will never have to revive a child, or go to the scene that involved shattered lives and tragedy.  That will not mean that those memories fade - they will always be there.

The good.  The bad.  AND the ugly.  This was his calling.  But now, he has hung up his helmut, given back his turnout gear, and walked out of the hall just after the firetruck left on a call.

It was a choice to retire now.  While still healthy, and young.  It was his choice, but that doesn’t mean it is an easy one.  

It has been a great 3 decades of service.  A number of halls, and a ton of firefighters who he worked with and got to call comrade.  A number of calls and a number of hours spent talking with people and lately writing reports on the computer.  He knew he wanted to leave while things were good.  I have a feeling that even if he had stayed for a few more years, thing would have been good then too.  

But today he finished.  We took pictures.  The kids brought smiles to his face.  The name was taken off his turnout gear, and his city of Winnipeg tag was put into a bag along with everything else that was to be handed in.  Captain Klassen chose to finish his firefighting career at the age of 58, and only God knows what is ahead, but he is looking forward to the next adventure, after a few tears are shed!  

Alvin, my sweet man, you have finished well.  

And I am so proud of you!

Go forward to the next adventure - with God, with me, and with your family by your side.

I love you - 

You’ve served well Captain Klassen!!

Give me Jesus

Morning came early as my Sweet Man gets up early.  I am learning to love early but my body isn't always as convinced.  But I got up, and made his lunch to take to the job site today.  And then sat down in my favorite space in front of the fireplace.  Bible - Journal - pens/markers/ etc - and began to read.  I have been following an app on my phone called First5, and loving the study through Joshua.
God gave me these verses many years ago, when He began calling me to retreat ministry.  Believe me, leaving a carry of 20+ years to follow Him on an adventure (I had no clue how much it would be an adventure!!) Well, I needed those verses to tell me to be strong and courageous!!  I needed to read them over and over and over again.  And well, here I am again today.  So strengthened by the Father's love, mercy, grace and strength in my body, soul, mind and spirit.

At this point in time, I feel ready for my day - only three hours after I sat down.  I have read, journalled, meditated on the word, worshipped through song (and doing a little flagging lol)  (Ya, you heard it right, but now you are wondering what in the world flagging is right!!)  And then I went and worked out all the while listening to my friend Cathy Hardy's latest CD http://cathyajhardy.com/product/and-i-heard-the-sound-of-laughter/

And then I spent some face down time with the Almighty.  I can weep before Him with joy ... and with pain.  I can weep before Him and give him my messy junk and KNOW that He has it all under His control.  I was reminded of that today as I did my QT with the LORD.  I saw today how God gave Joshua instructions that seemed overwhelming and terribly daunting.  And Joshua usually just obeyed "no questions asked" ...  
Joshua Trusted
Joshua Obeyed
and Joshua Followed God's Lead.

So with those words, with the songs of Cathy still in my heart.   With time spent in face down prayer, surrendering all to HIM ... I feel I am ready for this day!!  I have asked for MORE of Him, more songs in my heart, more thoughts of Him, more of the Holy Spirit in my life so that others will see not Joy, but Jesus through me.

What I love about the LORD is that if we ask, He is so willing.  If we seek Him, we find him.  If we want MORE of the Holy Spirit in our lives, we will get more!  He is the ONE who loves to lavish his love on us.  And I am not sure about you - but I want MORE.  

In the morning - when I rise .... Give me Jesus!!
Have a great day!!

Savouring

my room for the duration of the retreat

it was called Extravagance

nature at its beautifule best!

journaling, drawing, writing, painting

the Mark Centre Chalet

this sign greets all who turn into the driveway

I have a friend.  Its very interesting, because unlike some of my good friends who I have known for years, this friend I only met three years ago, but we became soul sisters immediately.  I realize that was a God thing.  Nadine is very caring, loving, gentle, and breathes life into people, of which I am one.  She did something for me that completely took me off guard.  One of my love languages is "gift giving" and I love gifting people.  However, getting gifts has always been hard.  For instance - at birthdays I never liked the attention of opening up a gift.  Guess I need to get over that hey!!
Anyhow, Nadine gave me a gift like I have never been given before EVER.  She gave me the gift of a weekend away at the Mark Centre in Abbotsford, BC.   I was pretty overwhelmed with this.  And she knew that and gently chided me for that.  I just hope Nadine knows, and I want to say one more time, how much she has blessed me.  Nadine, from the time we met - you blessed me.  And this gift, there are no words to express my thanks.  THANK you from the bottom of my heart.

So last Thursday I flew to Abbotsford, and got into the city at 9:30 am.  I was able to meet with the director of the Mark Centre, Steve (whom Alvin and I first met 8 years ago when we stayed there).  Steve and tMC have been invaluable to us in our journey of building/and beginning WRATW.  Our journeys had some similarities and of course differences.  However, his willingness to take us under his wing and to encourage/pray/mentor us has been amazing.  So, my first cup of coffee for that day was shared at Starbucks with Steve Klassen, catching up on where our ministry's and lives are at.
Then he dropped me off and my retreat unofficially began as I settled into Extravagance and waited till "Come Away" began at 7 pm that night.

While I am still (I am intentionally using the word) SAVOURING the weekend, I am not going to go into any detail except to say that God met me there - in my room, on my walks, in the rooftop, in the great room.  God being God did what He does.  He loves, meets us, speaks into our lives, and shows us great things.  I am thankful.

Savour means:  to enjoy food or an experience slowly, in order to enjoy it as much as possible:

And that is something I am going to do for a while.  So ask me again later - Hey how was your time away at "COME AWAY" at the Mark Centre and perhaps then I can put the time away into words!!

today's bike ride ~ INTERRUPTED

I actually like to bike, once I get on the thing (helmet on, water bottle in basket, and my phone in case I need to call in an emergency or stop to take a picture!)  My husband and I laugh because he teased me about us looking like "circus bears" on our bikes.  I think I am more the circus bear. Let me tell you, getting on a bike after more years OFF a bike was scary and I still do not have my confidence!  I have fallen a couple times, drawing blood each time!
ANYHOW back to today.  I knew I needed to bike.  I have been struggling lately - REALLY REALLY struggling with fatigue.  Fatigue like I have not experienced in a long long time!

I have not done a lot of biking this year - mostly because my tire needed a new tube.  My husband got one for me, and got it up and running again.  He is such a sweet man!! And he is such an encourager. He knows that with my fibromyalgia, I need to keep moving.  He also knows that I am much happier when I exercise!  GO FIGURE!!

Today I woke up more tired than before, but I knew that a bike ride would be life giving.  I rode a little farther than usual, thinking of many things with each revolution of the wheels.  On the way back, I came past a place that I always pass.  It has intrigued me.  It is a building and lot that is for sale.  It belongs to our neighbour lady, Ellen.  It used to be their "cottage" and they would use it in summer.  It is an interesting idea, as it is only a few minutes away from where she grew up and still lives which is right by us.   This house is small and old.  There are no shingles left on the roof, just ridges where they used to be!  The outside is barn board.  Windows are still mostly in tact.  However, a couple years ago, there was a house party close by, and they were having a campfire, and ran out of wood to burn, and they thought that ripping apart an old building was an okay thing to do.  Our neighbour was not happy as now it became an eyesore, even if the building wasn't worth anything monetarily- now it looked sad.

I stopped at the place, and took a drink of water, and then I began to hear God speaking to me.
I grabbed my camera and took some pictures, and just listened to what He was saying.
God knows I have been in a funk again.  A funk that has affected the way I eat, the way I don't eat, the way I feel, and definitely the way I get into a slump in my journey to get healthy.   I know, as I have often posted on a different blog, that my struggle with my weight has been a struggle more or less all my life, but especially in the past while.  A tooth and nail struggle.  A struggle that involves self worth, or a lack of it.   It is bigger than what I eat - bigger than calories - bigger than the scale.
It has been a journey of working with God on the healing of my self worth.  Funny, I didn't realize this was an issue, but it is.  It was hard to separate my weight and the fight to lose weight, from my self worth and acceptance.  It was especially since being at school in Colorado Springs back in November 2013 that God blew it out of the water for me, and I began inviting Him into the complicated part of the journey.  I know God is sovereign and I know that He is the One that gives me my worth, but I also know I am human, and it is easier said than done, even WITH God.
O He has taught me so much over the past three years! It has been such a journey, and a tough one!  
It is getting easier.  

Anyhow today, I took my camera as He talking.  Now if I had been at home, I would have quickly grabbed a pen and written down as I heard him, but I was biking!!  So this is the gest of what God said.
"Joy you are intrigued by the house, you always seem to look at in, take it in, with wonder and intrigue wondering what all has happened in the place, imagining it filled with life.  Take a look at it.  It is worn, and old but it is beautiful.

 

However, it has seen the harshness of life, the weather, and lately it has fallen prey to vandalism.  Originally the house had everything it needed.  It was built complete.  But now it stands, with a portion ripped off and burned.  

The door is missing.  You can look into it and imagine what it was like in its prime.  Insulation is still in some of the walls.

It looks like it isn't worth anything, and yet to your neighbour it is worth the world.  To her, it is still beautiful.  To you, it is beautiful, that is why it makes you always stop and look, and today, it has made you take pictures.  Joy - this is my lesson for you.  You have been fearfully and wonderfully made.  You were made complete.  You have withstood hardships of life, along with the most beautiful joys.  Rain has fallen.  The sun has beat down upon you.  And you have perhaps allowed things in your life to compromise what you have.  I know your struggle with weight.  I know you keep giving it to me and then just giving into temptations that are not helpful in your weight struggle.  However Joy, you are complete and your are beautiful.  No age, no weather, no situations have changed that.  
When I see you, I see you complete because of me.  I see you beautiful.  I love you, do you not get that?  I see your beauty.  I alone will give you your worth.  Seek me first Joy."

Like I said, I did not write it down, but that is how I remember the time that I stood there ...
somehow it felt like time stood still.  I am sure the cars that whizzed by wondered what in the world I was doing.  But it was me and God ...

After about five minutes, I got back on my bike, and drove the rest of the way home thinking about how God interrupted my bike ride, and I am so glad He did. 
Like the most loving parent, He used a teachable moment in my life, to remind me again of my worth, and how much He loves me.

Bike ride interrupted ....
Lord, please do that any time you need to get my attention.  
and Lord ... thanks, I needed this today.

The end of the month already?

Today is the 29th of August.  Once again I am startled at the way time has a way of passing so quickly.  I know, I know.  Everyone says that.  And it is so true.

One time I was complaining about not having enough time to get things done.  To this, my brother in law Ray looked at me and said, "you have the same amount of time that everyone has."  I have thought of that often.  He was teasing me as only Ray can.  However, what he said is so true.  We all have the same amount of time don't we.   I have to admit that these days, it feels like I just want to sleep.  I am often so tired. *sigh

This past weekend, I had a mom with her three adult daughters.  Her and I chatted a bit, as she was up earlier than her girls.  That made sense to the both of us.  They were young moms - with busy households.  As we stood chatting in the kitchen, over her freshly brewed cup of coffee, she shared with me about living with cancer, and what she had already gone through, and knowing that the cancer was still in her body, although currently in remission.  She shared her journey with me, different aspects of it, over the course of the time they spent retreating.  I was honored to be able to hear her story.  I realized that as I had prayed for the four of them, I had no knowledge of what was happening in any of their lives.  

There were a few things that she said that impacted me greatly.  One was how she felt jipped when she did not get taken to heaven, as the veil between her and heaven seemed to have gotten very thin.  

But she realized that God was not done with her yet, here on earth.  However the fear about death was not there.  I saw a brave christian woman who was embracing all that God had for her still to do in this life.  That spoke to me.  The other thing that she mentioned was that she realized the need to live fully in each moment TODAY.  Oh man, I really got that, as I have realized in life that too often I have felt like "... when I do this, then ..." and sometimes I have postponed joy because of something I was looking ahead to.  LIVE EACH DAY AS IF IT IS THE LAST.  

I have seen that quote often.  And I have also realized with sadness, that I have really squandered time.  

Time is the same for each one of us.  24 hours.  7 days in a week.  12 months in a  year.

We don't know the days that God has ordained for us before even one of them came to be (from my favorite Psalm 139).  We do know however that God gives us each day as a gift.  And we have so much to live for - and so much joy can come from each day we have.  I think this mom just underlined that once again for me.  

I want to live fully - to live all out for HIM.  I want to see him all over my day.  I want to make each day count for Jesus.  I want to live like this day is my last.  

This post isn't long, but it is just a little bit of my heart today.  In the very early hours of the 29th day of this 8th month of 2016.

Lord, I want to live for you - fully.  I want to quit putting off what I know you want me to do today.  To do now.  I have squandered too much time - waiting for tomorrow.  I want to live fully in the gift of today, and I thank you for that.  I thank you for people who enter into my life who teach me in quiet moments of conversation.  O LORD I want to live fully for you.  Help me to do that Lord.  Amen.

clay

clay...

i am a jar of clay

a one of a kind

cracked, broken but redeemed

light shines through the cracks

fragile

could be broken again

that is always known

and yet not held in fear.

i am a priceless vessel

made uniquely by the great Potter

fragile and yet i do not want to just sit on the shelf

looked at and collecting dust

unusable

no!

i want to be used

poured into

poured through

poured out

not saved for special occasions but rather treasured but used.

the Potter shapes

handles

molds

repairs

restores

pours into and out of

His touch creates and makes beautiful.

clay

from dust you came

to dust you'll return

a reminder of being ordinary

made extraordinary

simple

yet strong

of the earth ~ which He also created.

But now O Lord, you are our Father

We are the clay and you are the Potter!

we are all the work of your hand.  (Isaiah 45:9)

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us!  (2 Cor)

i am nothing

HE is everything

potter and clay

made and lovingly created to be

a vessel

made for His glory, His grace and His love

grace and mercy molded together

He inhabits this clay vessel

Come! Lord Jesus Come!

Come! Holy Spirit Come!

"We can't love God's way without being filled with Him.
If we try it on our own, we end up exhausted and burnt out!"

quote from Heidi Baker, Reckless Devotion