It is well with my soul

The snow is falling again.  It began last night.  I can't help but feel bad for my son (in-law) who does snow removal and has been so incredibly busy since winter started.  It seems that snow never falls at the least opportune times!  Usually picks the same day as family gatherings are on.  And, I know he is not feeling 100% with a cold that continues to revolve within our family and their spouses and kids.  But this is winter.

There is something about this day - as I sit in the warmth of my home, with the fire on in the fireplace, and I don't have to be anywhere right now (I do have to go grocery shopping eventually, for the meat for tomorrow's post Christmas extended family gathering here) BUT I think I will wait a while - until perhaps the snow stops and the wind dies down, and perhaps there is more than just a trail to travel out on.  Worst case scenario, I will improvise and check to see what is in the freezer.

I have been doing some clean up - just the main things, laundry (which somehow seems never ending) and just puttering around.  And in my being, I have noticed something very distinctly.  I can feel that my soul is well!!  I used to have a pastor whom I loved greatly.  Pastor Herb would always give me a big hug and ask me "Is your soul well?"  I liked that - because it made me think.  It always made me feel that I needed to answer THAT question truthfully.  (Unlike sometimes when we walk into a church and someone asks us the typical question, "how are you" to which I (and I know that you do too) often just answer "good" and walk by.  Yes, I know you answer that one!

The other day I was at my kids church (which I thank God that my kids are plugged in here) and I was coming up the steps as another grandma was going down the steps with her grand kids.  We asked one another "THAT" question and we both replied "good" and then Ingrid said "well actually that isn't true " and she laughed ... and then I said "ya, I would agree" (as I was just in the throws of the cough/cold virus that is still hanging on three weeks later).  We laughed as we realized we were doing what is SO typically done in churches.  (wearing the mask)

But today, while the wind howls and snow swirls I can honestly say my soul is well.  I still have a cough that has combined with my asthma.  But my SOUL is well.  I feel a contentedness.  I feel hopeful.  I feel joy - deeply seated joy.  It does not mean that all is perfect, because let me tell you, I don't think anything in my life is perfect.  It does not mean that I do not feel sadness over the loss of family and friends who have gone to heaven.  It does not mean that I have it all together (because ya, I don't)  However - it is WELL.  And I feel that - right in the core, the center of my being where God resides!!

It is well!!  O Thank you Lord for that today!!

                                

TEARS

A few years ago,
(actually many many years ago, because I was in my early 30's)
I was having a conversation with one of my pastors at the time and I shared with with him,
how I always wept when I prayed,
and he said, "it sounds like it is your prayer language"...
I have thought of that often.

You see, I weep a lot
(understatement)
I almost always weep when I pray
At first I used to feel like I had to apologize
or explain
but now, I just let the tears roll, and fall where they may
and grab a Kleenex when we are done praying

I weep over my own stuff
As I talk with my Lord about what is on my heart
I have lots of stuff to weep over - believe me!!

I also weep easily when I see someone,
or hear something
or remember some memory
that is attached to someone I love and have lost

This week - I have wept a lot
Sometimes I use my travel time (alone in the car)
to talk with the Lord
and sometimes it is a little embarrassing when stopped next to someone
I always think that they must think I have bluetooth in the car, and I am talking to someone on the phone
Oh, if only they knew exactly WHO I was talking too
at least then it would explain the tears

I called to encourage a friend who is the "hub" of a pretty amazing prayer chain.
I got their voice mail, and I was actually happy, as all of a sudden I was feeling a little weepy.
I left the message, and then heard a call coming in.
Oh shoot - now I had to talk in person and repeat my message.
So as I was "encouraging them" I was weeping.
It seems that the prayer line has been the hub for many prayer concerns lately, some very very hard ones.
Many times God answers the way people want, you know what I mean ...
when people ask for healing,
or for deliverance from depression,
or for a job interview,
or for the safe arrival of a new baby,
or for negative test results.
But sometimes -  God answers prayers by taking the person to be with Him.
GOD IS STILL GOOD even when a person dies, but oh, it is usually NOT the way we want the prayer to be answered!
Lately the prayer concerns that have gone out, have been deep and hard.
I was pretty sure the "hub" of the prayer chain was feeling the same way I was.
Sometimes you just know when another person is experiencing the deep burden for others.
So anyhow there I was weeping as I talked, explaining that really, I was just trying to encourage him.
And after I said good-bye, I wept.

I have wept over a family member
who continues to be caught in a cycle of addictive behaviours
and consequences from years of addictions.
Last week I wept again, as I wondered what kept him going,
when all that was ever important to him, is no longer in his life.
I have wept when I realized that anything I could give is merely a band aid.
Lately I have wept tears over him again, wondering and asking God what it is that I should be doing,
or being, in his life.
God? What is my role?
It is actually easier to reach out to the "least of these" when they aren't related to you in any way!
I have wept tears over and over again, but felt helpless as to know how to help.

In the last month, I have prayed with tears for friends who I knew were just days and hours away from being in the presence of the Lord.
And then have wept for those they left behind reeling from the loss.

I have witnessed the sweetness of my grandchildren and have prayed for them often,
with tears rolling down my cheeks -
especially as I give them to the Lord,
and ask for them to give their hearts to Jesus when they are old enough to make that decision.
I weep for my children and grandchildren a lot -
and that is NOT because they are in any trouble that I know of, but because of my great love for them, and the knowledge that our Heavenly Father is even more head over heels in love with them all too!

A couple days ago, the 24th to be exact
I had a little bit of stocking stuffers to get still, so off I went
I was leaving the stores and at the lights at Regent and Montana's restaurant (not sure the street)
And I saw a man, with frosted beard, and rosy red cheeks.
His sign said he would take a job, or donations
Now I know, many of us have seen the show that I think it was 60 Minutes did on "professional" beggars
You may have seen the show.  It followed around a guy who begged on street corners as a job.
Yes, a job.
A job that he would drive to, and park a block or so away, change to his "begging" clothes and proceed with a sign and a backpack to a favorite corner.
I am fully aware that each person needs to make their own decisions about whether to give money to someone who is begging, or squeegeeing your windows, or whatever
And, to each their own.
Personally, I have chosen to help out when I can, whether it be hot coffee, some food, or money.
Maybe the people behind me think that "oh there goes another one being taken for a ride"
I don't believe that anyone would actually want to stand in the cold, on a winter day in Manitoba and beg if they didn't have to.
I also have another reason.
I have someone very close to me, who has been homeless often, and may just be someone who has been the beneficiary of kindness of such kind.
Anyhow, there I was, at a standstill.
I rifled through my car for some money, found the bill, and wound down my window.
"Thank you - God bless you" came the response as he reached his hand out to accept what I had to give him.  And back he trudged to his place on the corner - watching to see if anyone else was so inclined.  And I wept as I drove away.

I went into the jewellery store as I needed to get something I had seen the other day.
The young man who waited on me was just wrapping my small purchases.
I had chosen something for my sister.
I told him "I would like that, my sister has just lost her daughter this year." (choking back tears)
I paid, and he proceeded to wrap the gift, and when he brought it to me he said, "Have a Merry Christmas!"
I looked at him and said, "You too."
He smiled, and then I also said, choking back the tears once again,  "I want to thank you - in this day and age when it is not politically correct to say Merry Christmas, you still risked it and said that.  I want to thank you for saying Merry Christmas - because that is important."
I can't really remember what his response was, other than to smile.
I walked out, and wept again.

Yesterday, late in the day,
I was on my way to my nieces house to meet with some of my extended family.
I was thinking as I was driving the north perimeter - which then became the west perimeter.
I think a lot on this stretch, as it was the place my niece Keri drove the morning that she lost control of her car on the stretch of perimeter that was like a sheet of ice
As I passed by the intersection of the perimeter and Hwy 6, I slowed, looking for the white cross that was lovingly made and place into the ground as a marker.
I passed it, thinking about her and how much we miss her,
and I wept.

Tears
I have been with loved ones, who did not want to cry tears,
as they felt they shouldn't do that around people,
or that maybe people didn't know what to do with the tears.

Yes, tears sometimes make people feel uncomfortable,
but I think that is okay.
I have been with people who keep apologizing for their tears, as if they are wrong!
I think tears are healing.
I think they are important in our journey.
The Bible says "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."
I also think that the word "night" isn't just ONE night, but during the "dark night of the soul" when tears become our closest friend.

Tears
When I walked through my deep depression in the late 90's. I came across a verse in the Bible that blessed me so much!
Yes, it is about tears!!   It is this verse:

Psalm 56:8

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁸ You keep track of all my sorrows.^[a]
    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book.

Isn't that verse amazing!!
Can you imagine - God collecting our tears in bottles!!

When I got my tattoo after we lost our grandson Jay Benjamin, the Scripture reference was from Revelation.  The verse says this:

Revelation 7:17

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁷ For the Lamb at the center of the throne
    will be their shepherd;
‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’^[a]
    ‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.’^[b]”

I love that one day,
God will wipe all the tears from our eyes - and there will be no more tears!!
Imagine!
That will be something.

However, until that day comes,
I will continue to talk with my Lord,
with words,
with moanings that the Holy Spirit intercedes with on my behalf,
and also through the language of tears!

And, if I happen to be praying with you, well, just pass the Kleenex when we are done!!

Missing my sweet friend Audrey, on her birthday.

I have been thinking about you a lot my friend
how you are with Jesus
and how we, who you left back here almost a year ago
we (especially your husband and son)
are
so
missing
you.

Often I look out my back yard
across the field and to the left
and think of the times we sat and talked
over a cup of coffee
toward the end,
Arnie always made it for us
those were sweet times
and I miss them so much.

Often I think back to the first night we met
finding out we were not only going to be in the same care group
but also neighbours
something happened in my heart that night
you instantly became my friend

It was a hard journey you had
so
incredibly
hard
The first year, you took it in stride
and beat that monster
or at least when we celebrated,
we thought you had
but I won't forget that time when you and I were together
and you shared about something you found in your leg
surely just a varicose vein
but then
you found out,
the monster was back
and the lump in your leg was all a part of it.

I don't think I ever thanked you my friend
for allowing me into your life
and into your life with cancer
as hard as it was
there were times when we laughed
and I came to see your "Audrey smile"
and I came to understand your wit and your sweet sarcasm

Your second fight with the monster
was harder
and took more energy out of you
and more time out of your life
and it scared the heck out of your husband and son
and the rest of us
You and I talked about how we both had this strong sense that this round would take you to be with Jesus
that was so incredibly hard
to feel that so strongly
but to continue to pray boldly for your healing.
O it came alright
the morning you entered into the arms of Jesus.

I will never forget this time last year
when I baked a cake (although it was very sweet)
you had told me once that your mom used to make angel food cake for your birthday
and Julie and I showed up, with candles in hand
but your day, your BIRTHDAY
was not such a good day, in the midst of a really bad time.
But we visited
and talked
and we prayed.
It was so hard to say "Happy Birthday" seeing you and knowing that it was going to be your last
this side of heaven

I will never forget sitting by your bed
holding hands
and often neither of us saying a word
just enjoying one another's presence
and letting the unspoken words, speak into our hearts.

I miss you my friend
O how I miss you
and writing these words bring tears
that run down my cheeks.
but I realize they are just tears for me
because the reality is
You sweet One
are seriously having the time of your life
Heaven - I bet you could tell me some wonderful things
And there is no sickness, no tears, no death.
You are completely whole.

But for us who just really really miss you
Our hearts are still pretty broken
Although we do know
it is only for a time ....
till we meet again.

So my friend - this year, in spite of the brokenness you have left behind
I can honestly say - Happy Birthday Audrey
I can only imagine how happy you are there.
but my tears flow because I miss you so much
your gentleness
your friendship
your wisdom
I miss you so much because we became sisters
and I loved you
So happy birthday dear One - as you spend it with Jesus - the giver of the greatest gift of all
Which you have gotten to experience before any of us.
Our loss losing you
But your great gain - going to be with Jesus.

So our tears will fall
our hearts will ache
our memories will fill in great stories
until we are together again!

Happy Birthday with Jesus Audrey!!
I love you my friend
and I miss you.
More than words can tell.

This song, one of my favourites - is for you!
I will always love you my friend.
Happy Birthday in heaven!

slow dance of the snowflakes, deepfreeze and broken hearts

The sky is grey and overcast &

nature  around us looks bleak, 

a mixture of greys and blacks with the dark green of the pines mixed in ~

like a promise that all is not dead, but merely asleep for a while.

The freezing cold has let up a little

and I actually ventured outdoors to sweep off the deck without a jacket.

Compared to the deep freeze of the last week

it felt like a wonderful reprieve.

Although the sky is grey, and the sun is hiding~

there is a strange calm.
a peace

a tangible stillness

that makes me want to stand still and drink it all in

one frosty breath at a time.

Snowflakes are falling. 

It reminds me of a slow dance with a beloved partner

or of the snow globes I loved  to shake as a child.

(and even more as an adult)

The flakes fall and accumulate  in a fresh white and fluffy blanket

covering the dark earth below, that is asleep ~

sound asleep

for a few months.

Birds are coming to the feeder that is covered with a few inches of snow

however with a flick of their head and beak

they find and grab the seed that is hidden under the  snow

and fly away as if they have a hidden treasure.

(if He cares about these birds, how much more He cares for me)

how can it be

so silent?

and yet oh so loud

as creation sings.

do  snowflakes make a sound as they touch the ground

do frozen and barren branches play music as they rub against one another in the wind

do icles tinkle as they break or drip in the  sun

and do the birds speak in a  language of their own, as they call one another to the feeder

creation 

sings

O how it sings!

And I

take in the sight

the sound

the feel

of winter

my heart and thoughts jumbled

and tears fall frequently

as if the emotional roller coaster is on a ride

that doesn't stop.

sometimes the awareness of such deep hurt and grief

of pain and loss

of shattered dreams and broken hearts

is more than I can bear

and He reminds me I don't bear it alone.

the pain of loved ones

stumbling through their days

with grief that is so fresh

even though months have passed by, one after another.

sometimes too slowly

other times all to quick

time  ~ are you our Friend or our foe?

my grieving has taken on a new season too

and even though it looks somewhat different than it did five years ago

it is still ever present

which I was reminded of the other day

when  I spoke of a kindness done for me

that of a young woman asking me  (in the fresh rawness of losing our Jay) 

if I would like to hold her newborn

I wept then

and I wept the other day as I shared that story with her dad

my heart is freshly broken

for family and friends~

so new in their walk of grief

that they are still just trying to stand

before they trust their legs to carry them on the journey...

trying to get up from under the incredible pain

and  likely never believe that there will ever be 

beauty or wholeness or laughter

in their lives again.

and as this snow falls

it somehow brings a tranquility

an assurance

a peace

and solitude.

there is just something about the newness of the snow

something 

life giving.

we watch as this season of ice and snow

of winter wrath 

sometimes dumping its fury

and other times reminding us that it is winter

but spring will follow.

IT

WILL 

FOLLOW

and for that I am so thankful

our hearts

barren

almost dead feeling

brittle

cold

cracked under the pressure of the season

they will experience the beauty of rich warm soil

hot sun 

and warm breezes

I know this

because it has been my experience

and because I know

for sure 

that Spring and Summer always follow winter

ALWAYS

ALWAYS!

Larry's reminder .... "the best is yet to come" ... "in the twinkling of an eye ..."

It has been a week since I left the very beautiful confines of Glen Eyrie and have reentered life back home.  My heart has been overflowing, and while I have been able to begin to mull over what I have tucked away in my heart, I have found for the most part, that I hit the tarmac running.  All good - but running never the less.  So it has been, that I have begun to mull over the thoughts that have bubbled out and begun to run over.  And it is good.  While we were there - we were given the gift of Monday night, when we watched Anthony Lawton do a 90 minute dramatization of C.S.Lewis' "The Great Divorce" ....  I guess it got me thinking about Heaven.  Many thoughts ...

One of those thoughts lately, since Next Step school of spiritual direction - have focused around the thought that Dr. Crabb (Larry to us :) said.  It was not a new thought, but one that struck me deeply.  He said "Never forget - the best is yet to come..... In the twinkling of an eye..."

Dr. Crabb said that the "Second Coming" seems to be de-emphasized .... that he grew up with it (he was raised Plymouth Brethren like I was) and I remember hearing my father speak on the Second Coming with a quiver in his voice.  He loved to study the last book of the Bible - Revelation.

The interesting thing is, as I had been working through reading the Bible, and had read the 1st, 2nd, 3rd John and 1st and 2nd Peter ... I mentioned the same thing to Alvin - and asked him when was the last time he had heard a sermon on the Second Coming. 

I remember in my teens, the movie "A Thief in the Night" came out.  I remember watching it at Faith Bible Camp and being shaken - and wanted to make sure that I was ready if the Lord came.  I was never a kid that got into too much trouble, but the teen years really were years that cemented my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  It had become "more" my own than when I gave my heart to Jesus at the age of 8.  Life does that - we grow up and our faith is cemented for us.  Our life experience grows - along with our faith.  Or at least it should.

I have come to see that we really do live in the temporal - we love deeply - we live life to the fullest - we value family and friends and church and work.  It is good.  Very very good.  And we hate to see the reality of our existence - that we are really just passing through to eternity.  I know that I think often about heaven - especially since the deaths of my parents, and in-laws, and especially when our little grandson went to Heaven before we got a chance to know him .... not to mention other family and friends that I have loved deeply.  So I feel like Heaven does not hold a scariness that others perhaps feel.  (or at least I can say that now, as I am not facing any life and death situations.)

I know that I love what I am doing - and love all that God has made me to be - and I am learning more and more about embracing life.  BUT as Larry said - NEVER FORGET THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!  It makes me stop, and say, YES ... the best really IS yet to come!

So, I will go on about my every day life.  I want to be living fully in the hear and now - embracing life with Jesus and loving it - my husband, my kids, my grandkids, my extended family and friends.  I want to live a life of purpose - that will bring honor and glory to Jesus Christ.  I want to make a difference in the life of someone else.  But I also want to live with my hands upturned and open - so that I am not clutching onto things but instead live open handed and ready.  I love this life - I am not going to lie.  But I can't help but wonder about life with Christ - and that excites me when I think of the best is still to come!!  YES.  Dr. Larry Crabb, thanks for the reminder!!

1 Corinthians 15:52

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁵² It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed.

Chicken, Sweet Potatoes and meaningful conversation with Larry

Tonight I sat down at a table and within minutes, Larry (Dr. Crabb) and his wife also joined the table. I felt this mix of excitement and fear!! lol.  Excitement about what the conversation may be that takes place.  Fear about the same thing.  Healthy Fear (I think)

Larry (as he would rather be called) asked how our quad went this afternoon.  I shared some of that with him.  (Quad is a time spent together with 4 other people, talking about the assignment given).  After we talked about that a little I shared a bit of what I went to bed on my mind with last night.
He had revisited the topic of "conversations that matter - because they delight the Father; reveal the Son's heart, and provide opportunities for the Spirit to do what he most wants to do."  And then he asked us to think about conversations that fail to reach that bar.

My mind went immediately back to a time, while I was in leadership, that I had shared something that was very personal, and someone I worked with said something very hurtful. (this was not new for this person, but his response this time was at a time when I was very emotionally low and really hoped that someone would be there for me - if nothing else - at least to pray with me).  I had shared how I had once almost drowned physically, and now I felt like I was emotionally drowning. Later that day, my coworker felt that we should talk (I suppose) and poked his head into my office and began by telling me "those were very strong words you used" ....   the rest of the conversation I will not reveal, just suffice it to say, it went pretty downhill from there.  And no, there was no prayer either.  So this was the conversation that I remembered immediately when Larry asked us to think about a conversation that failed to reach the bar of delighting the Father, revealing the Son's heart and providing an opportunity for the Spirit to do hat he most wanted to do.

So tonight, as we ate supper, I told Larry that when I went back to my room last night, and got ready and crawled into bed, the memory of that  conversation made me feel sad again.  And then I shared how in SSD of October 09 when I was in my triad, I began to share something hard that happened to me in Kindergarten - only to stop in my tracks and I said these words, "Oh my goodness, I just realize that what I felt in kindergarten with that teacher, is the same way a co-worker made me feel often."   I told him about my "aha" moment in the middle of my conversation within my triad.

HOWEVER, I proceeded to say to him how last night, when I recalled all this, while it momentarily made me feel that pain and sadness again ~ the overriding feeling was one of seeing where God had brought me since the rawness in Oct 09 to this point, November 2013, and all that God had done in me, and with me, and yes, in spite of me in the last 4 years.  And the forgiveness, and joy, and growth.

4 years.  A lot has happened.  God has been at work.  I resigned from pastoral ministry.  We left the church that had been our home for over 30 years.  (HUGE DECISION that was made out of alot of feelings of hurt, however in retrospect, I really believe for a number of reasons that I would gladly say over coffee, but would rather not share here - I believe we would have left regardless of dealing with the pain and hurt).    And then we moved, and lost a mother to cancer, and built the ministry house, and in between those years added some grandchildren to our family.  And now, a ministry God laid on my heart in 2000 has been in operation for 7 full months.  God has been at work, and has changed our hearts, and has brought healing, and spiritual health.  He has continued to write our/my story and he still makes the hair stand up on my arms, and causes me to loose my breath at times!  God is just like that!!

Larry and I had more conversation - and towards the end of it, we talked about how my kindergarten experience and my experience with my coworker made me feel "stupid" and "less than" and how it has shaped me in such a way that I often feel like I don't have anything to offer, or I may not want to try anything, or say anything because of the fear of being called out in front of others, and made to feel stupid.  That feeling .... it is so real. And it drives my response (or no response) in certain areas.  Sometimes I wish I could tell my past coworker this, but I really don't think he would get it. That part, for his sake, is truly sad.

Larry encouraged me to think of something as I went to bed.  He had asked how my mom or dad had responded to me as a 5 year old.  I had no memory of telling them - maybe I did, maybe I didn't.  Can't remember.  Then he asked how my husband responded when I told him of my co worker's time(s) of making me feel stupid. (yes, there were several times before the one that hurt so much)  And then he said ... as you go to bed, think of what God would say to you, that would make you simply delight in his response to you.

So.... this is on my mind as I get ready for bed ... and will be no doubt as I drift off to sleep.

God, you know about my experiences with people who have made me feel stupid.  You know all about me, and how those experiences come out of a core terror.  (A core terror is a deep fear still living within that seems to require and justify that which makes us present as more together than we are)
God you know that I hate to be made to feel stupid.  And because of that, you know that it limits me in many ways - and it also makes me stifled from feeling fully alive for you!  Lord, I ask that you would work within me - and help me to hear what it is YOU want to say to me - O Lord, I want to be living a fully alive life!!  Please Lord, speak.

feeling surreal

I got on the plane yesterday morning and started my journey back to the Glen.  I met D and J at the airport and we got out car, made a pitstop at Walmart and then after getting a little lost (although we did get to travel through the Garden of the gods) we got to our final destination - Glen Eyrie.  We got our rooms and I brought my stuff down to my room, shut the door and that is when it hit.  I am back at the Glen, and in Next Step Class #5.  I have thought of it for a while, and prepared but it feels very very surreal.

I will be honest, I have come here very tired.  My life has been full, and starting out on our new ministry also has made it full.  IT'S GOOD but FULL, sometimes overflowing.  I am an introvert by nature, and I am finding it hard to figure out how to figure that out.  I love people, but I know that I need my alone time, and I especially get energized by being alone with God.  And lately, praise God, we have had many more people coming, so my life has been full with people. It somehow still seems a little bit complicated but I have great confidence that I will figure it out.

I have been tired too, and struggling with pain, so that has made it complex.  I am really really excited about the possibilities of this week - in many ways, one of them being that I have literally stepped out of the traffic (as the Message puts it) and I am waiting to see what God does because this gal is desiring all that he has for me, and I feel a little like a sponge.

Last night, in our first session, Dr. Crabb (although he likes being called Larry, somehow I find that hard lol) ... anyhow Larry said about this week ahead together that he wants "to play in the truth" ...
So Father - thank you for this most amazing setting that you have allowed me to come to again to learn and spend time with others, but mostly with you.  Thank you for this time of learning.  Lord, please enlarge my heart for all that you have for me.  Please refresh my physically weary body. Please open the eyes of my heart to learn more of your truth as I study and read the Scriptures.  Please make me teachable as I study under Dr. Crabb, so that I can use what I am learning in ministry with others.
I ask you Lord to bless my family and grandkids while we are apart.  Lord, may your will be done in my life - I am willing Lord.  Refresh this vessel, and pour into it till it is bubbling over.  May your will be done in my life.  Amen.