Friday, July 17

thoughts gleaned while driving home

Sometimes I think I should try to figure out how many hours I have driven in my car -and how many miles. I figure that based on the fact that we have lived out here almost 26 years, and have driven in daily for most of that time - at 43 kms one way - hmmm... an hour a day ... yep, maybe I would rather not know!!
Thing is - as much as I have complained about the drive - I am going to miss it when we move. You see the drive into the city, and home again, (especially when I drive alone, which is most of the time) I really love the "thinking time" . In the past it has been time when I have at times prayed out loud the whole trip. The other day I sang (with all my might I will add) on the way in! Sometimes I have cried as I have driven. Such it was tonight. Out of no where - came the tears - they actually took me quite off guard. I know exactly why they came - and they were all about my grandson. His birthday is a week away. I realize that some of our acquaintances perhaps even some friends, may breath a collective sigh, thinking that once a year has passed - it will all be "okay" ~ but we know better, even if sometimes when people ask how I am - I say "okay" - as that is usually an easier answer when passing by.

Anyhow - tonight I cried on the way home. And lately I have felt the cold reality - course through my being - sometimes I think it is too hard feeling reality - but then again - I know God gives me strength again and again and again!

I got home a little while ago - its quiet as Alvin is at work. Thought I would check emails, and found the daily grief share email. Sometimes I delete them but lately I have been reading them again.

Here is a quote from today's - God Uses Low Places (daily Email from Grief Share)

There are some lessons in life that you only learn through times of grief or suffering. This is why it is important that you do not waste your sorrows. Times of suffering show you your limitations and how needy you really are.

Dr. Larry Crabb shares his initial reaction to the news of his brother's death: "I came outside and I remember my wife was waiting for me out in the car, and as I came out, I just stood there and said, 'Bill's dead.' It was just a very, very strong moment. But as I recall that moment, I think my first internal deep reaction was not despair. I think my first reaction at that moment was I must find God as I have never found Him before or I'm not going to make it."

People are needy. The world wants you to be tough, strong, and independent. God wants you to lean on Him. God's way is right and wise. Depend on Him as you have never done before, and you will find true peace and power that can never be achieved on your own.

Looking back, I realize that my first instincts also, were to turn to God for strength. It was really easy at first to go to him - but man did it get hard around week two or three when all of a sudden I began to question his faithfulness - or why He allowed such tragedy? I spent alot of time ranting and raving and yes, accusing God of being unfaithful. O Lord, thank you for loving me and for letting me wrestle through each day and still wrap your arms around me and hold me close! I have realized many things - and one of them is that you are faithful. O Lord, I don't get it, but I know you are faithful. I know that I don't have to understand - to be able to live in your peace and power! Lord, thank you for seeing my tears and for gently enveloping me with your presence!

ps...dear friends who read this blog - I feel like I have rambled tonight - but it is the space I am in.... thoughts tumbling one on top of another. Hope there is something within this blog that makes sense. If nothing else - just know that God is a GOD who picks up pieces and begins to bring them together over time - at least that is my experience. And he does it with such great love - can't explain it, but I can feel it. And I know it is real.

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