Friday, May 9

forgive and bless

I should have known that putting the lies to death is not so easy
Burying them so to speak is one thing
But silencing the lies that continue to echo in my head … that is another thing
But I am doing it.
But there is one lie that just seems to have this hold on me.
I will be honest here.
The biggest lie is the one that says "you are so stupid"
It is a lie that I know is not true, and yet, I realize that over the course of time, I began to feel that I was.

This lie is tied directly to someone I worked with for a few years until I resigned from the position I had, and walked away.

Someone who used their "power" to make me feel inferior, "less than", or just plain stupid.
Someone who should have known better if for no other reason - because of the position they were in.
Someone who should have perhaps dropped the bully tactic, and just tried to be relational.
But instead, they hid behind their prestige and power.
Or at least, that is what it seemed like.
And now I realize that what they did to me, is called bullying.
And bullying is wrong.

As I look back to the years we worked together, yes there were some good things
Many many good things.
However there were some very hard things.
Only it didn't really hit me, until I was done.

I have come to hate it when I see/hear/experience a bully.
But I have also come to understand something.
The "bully" that hides behind his/her  power/prestige/big words/academic awards and achievements -
I have come to see that they are usually this way, because they are insecure and lack self-confidence.
And even though I am held hostage by their sense of power, prestige and use of words
I feel sorry for them.
However, God has also called me to pray for them.  So, I do.

I guess I have really been thinking this over lately, as we were at our prayer time the other day, and Pastor Kelly encouraged us to make sure we are right with others - and we talked about forgiveness, even if the other person doesn't ever say they are sorry.
We talked about "blessing" those that we just really don't feel like blessing, but we do it because Jesus said to!
I began to think of this person, and well a few others
Years ago, I struggled with God as He called me to forgive those who had hurt me badly.
Even if none of them ever said they were sorry.
And while we talked a little about forgiveness at our prayer time, I realize there are layers to it.
And while I have forgiven them, and told them I had.
I realize that doesn't mean I want to hang out with them.
I am okay to just see them from across a big room, if that.
But I need to forgive.  To keep on forgiving when the old lie makes me feel stupid again.
I do not want the lie to win.
I want God to crush Satan under his feet … and to silence the echoes in my head.

I need to forgive.  I know it.
And with God's strength, I have … and I continue to offer it up.
I know God has given me gifts, talents and smarts :)
I am NOT stupid.  I have a lot to offer.

However, I need to continue to lay that lie at the foot of the cross,
lay it down at the cross
lay it down
down …
because it is only God that can cover that lie with truth
it is only God that can bring healing to this deep deep wound.
Somehow, I keep catching the edge of the scab and ripping it off
And that never feels good.

Oh, one more thing.  Lord God bless this person - do a work in them and make them more like you.  Put to death the things that are hindering or harming your work in them.
And bring them into a growing transformation - becoming more like you every day.
Lord, I forgive them, and I bless them.

1 comment:

SherryKayDyck said...

Thank you for this Joy. I, too, have been on the receiving end of bullying and it has made me question my abilities, my worth, my character. I have one friendship where I'm challenged on every single thing I say - and am constantly getting preached at and this also happens with our girls. It's funny what you can put up with for yourself but when it extends to your own kids then it's serious business! I find that often I don't see it for what it is because I feel that if there's discord or awkwardness then obviously its all my fault. I tend to assume that I'm the one that needs to change, I'm the one in the wrong and I can't see things clearly enough to see the unbalanced nature of our relationship. It took the comments of my husband for me to finally see things for what they were and to finally be okay with letting an unhealthy friendship go. I've also just gone through a very difficult situation with another person and decided to take the high road and extend grace, but it certainly wasn't reciprocated. The false accusations that were made against me were so absurd that they were laughable - and yet, I keep questioning them, wondering if there is a shred of truth to them. I have to keep reminding myself that there isn't and that this is entirely her issue, not mine. But to forgive will take some time and a lot of effort after 8 years of trying to bring closure to this difficult chapter in my life. I keep remembering the scripture that says to bless those who persecute you...and I am trying, by the grace of God, to do that with these pray for them, to understand that hurt people hurt people and that it is their pain that causes them to lash out at others. Thanks for sharing your stories. You are definitely NOT stupid!! You are an amazing woman of God with compassion and wisdom and so much to offer.