Monday, May 12

there is so much I just will never "get" this side of Heaven

My heart is so broken.
Broken for a family - little Ben's family
A mutual friend told me about them back a few months
And I began to pray
and with great hope
that God was going to do a miracle
I guess I thought I knew what this miracle should look like
I am thinking that many of us who prayed, were praying for the same miracle
As the mom Mindy said in one of the early posts - that the ground was ripe for a miracle
I remember she said "Only God"

Here I am - 56 years old (almost) and once again questioning God
Oh yes, I know God is sovereign.
I know that.
I also know that I just don't and can't wrap my head around this 
why God would give them twins
and then, when they are 5 … take one of the twins to heaven
that is what breaks my heart
and at the same time, takes me back to our prayers for our little Jay
something seems familiar

Little Ben isn't in heaven yet, but as his mom wrote today on the blog ( they know that Ben is in his "eleventh hour".
Soon it seems, their sweet Ben will be in heaven with our Jay too.
God - I can't even fathom how many children are with you 
my mind is way to small to imagine this
But I know it is true.

I think that because I am a granny to boys that are this age - my heart just can't fathom the pain, the sorrow, the reality that God is not going to answer with a healing on this side of heaven.
Even if we thought that his healing would bring great glory to His name.
God … i just don't get it.

And that is when I am reminded that I have been here before
Petitioned for a miracle
And felt like God did not answer
at least now how we wanted, how we asked, how we thought He should.
For me, that is the hard part … especially when it involves babies, and little 5 year olds.
Oh God … I am on the periphery of what is happening,
just got to know this family through blog posts
but prayed, O I prayed.
and I feel like they have become part of my family
and when I read today's post …. I hurt so much for them.
So very much.
There are no answers
Only God has those answers
and we will never know
and when we are finally able to ask him, once we get to heaven
getting an answer will no longer be important.
So in the meantime Lord God, please answer this . please wrap your arms so tightly around little Ben as you transition him home to be with you.  Give strength to his parents as they see him edge closer to heaven.  Lord, walk through this with the other children.  And for any grandparents - O Lord, give them strength in this journey.  I don't know what else to ask for Lord . they need you . O Lord, they need you so much.  Please Lord, hear the cries of their heart - for their son, for their other children - for themselves.   
Please God.
Please.  Amen.

In the midst of these broken hearted thoughts, has been a tune running through my heart.
All I could hear were these words:  My heart will sing, no other name - Jesus, Jesus.  So I googled those words and found the song.  We've sung this in church - it is beautiful.  May this be our heart cry as Ben and his family are running to your arms!  O Lord … even if you did not answer the way we wanted you too …. you are still sovereign, you are still good, you are still love….

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