An Open Letter to my Dad

Hi Dad ~ 

I have been thinking about you today, on Remembrance Day, and I just saw that cousin Thomas Thomas (you great nephew) posted your war picture on Facebook.  I was struck once again with how handsome you were Dad.  No wonder Mom fell in love with you, although the way you tell the story, I think you were smitten first.  It is a great love story!  Today was a full day for me, and I think it is the first time in at least 40 years that I did not watch any tv shows in regards to Remembrance Day services.  I actually feel kinda guilty about that - in a weird way.  I always felt a reverence and I think that is why I loved watching the service on t.v.  It actually always made me think, and wonder what it was like - to sign up as a young man (barely a man) and leave your family and your home.  No doubt a sense of adventure in many respects, and yet a naive understanding perhaps of what you were signing up for.  You told me once that everyone wanted to fight for the King and the country.  You did.  The rest of your life, as I watched you walk with your telltale limp.  And as I (as a tiny little girl) sat on your lap and asked you about your shrapnel scars.  You never wanted to talk about it.  Mom said you woke up often in a sweet with a night terror about war.  I don't think we ever realized the toll it took on you in more ways than just the obvious of losing a leg.  In your later years, about 10 years before you went home to Heaven, you spent your time talking to kids in school auditoriums STRESSING to them the importance of PEACE and that WAR SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.  Your story is part of my story too ... thanks Dad for sharing your thoughts with us.

I have also thought a lot about you at the beginning of November, as the date rolled to the 2nd, I will never forget the afternoon that you ended up being taken to the hospital, and within a couple hours you had a massive heart attack.  I stood by you as you were having an episode, with my arms around you, trying to help you sit without slumping forward.  So scared.  And then, orphaned.  I miss you so much Dad.  17 years often seems like yesterday.... but often seems like forever.  You and Mom - I wish you were hear to talk to, to see what we are up to, and how God has blessed us and the ministry.

I think you would be proud, you always were.  You would be proud of your grand kids, and I know you would be here often - visiting, calling, praying.  You were an amazing set of parents, and as a dad I loved that you were not too proud to say you were wrong.  Which you knew you were sometimes.

I wish we had more time - I was only 39 and without parents.  But God knew when your time here was done, when your purpose was fulfilled, and God is sovereign.  I know I will see you again - and that you are enjoying my grandson Jay - your great grandson!  I just wanted to tell you again how much I loved you.  How much I learned about the attributes of God, by having you as a father.  You also prayed for me, and I was so blessed.  You and Mom were a force to be reckoned with.  I actually was told that an uncle thought that I got "the best qualities of each parent" to which I felt blessed.  

You taught me how one follows God with all their heart.  You taught me about following when the steps are unclear, and yet the call of God is on your life.  You did that with Faith Bible Camp ... you and I did that with Sugar-N-Spice Kiddie Haven ... I wished you could have heard about and seen this new adventure God called me and Alvin into.  I know you would bless us in it.  You always did bless us Dad.  I remember your encouragement to me when I was finding it hard to leave the church you raised me in, when I got married.  You told me to go and worship together, to get involved and to serve God and not look back!  That was some of the best advice you could have ever given.  I will never forget when you blessed Alvin and I BOTH (not just Alvin) as we were commissioned as a DEACON COUPLE.  I always think that you were much more progressive in church stuff, than some of the people realize.  I loved how you accepted people regardless of status ... how you invested in lives ... how generous you were.  

O Dad ... I miss you.  Seeing your picture on Tom's Facebook page reminded me again, just how much.  I wish you could read this letter.  But I know you are having the time of your life in heaven - walking and running with two strong legs.  And you wouldn't trade it in for anything.  So... until we meet again Dad, I just wanted to say thanks for being my dad - and I love you!

love, 

Jogee

(dad would often call me Jo-gee)

routine: tragedy

The sun rises as I sit in the hot tub with my sweet man
We talk
and drink coffee
...what will this day hold?

I drive to Niverville for an appointment
the ride is good to my soul
quiet
long enough for some good thinking

the ride back never seems as long
a quick stop for some salads from Subway
and home to eat late lumch with my husband
he is dusty from working on patio blocks
about 140 spaces needed to be filled with blocks
accurately cut and placed into spots that had been left empty
some more good conversation
i love that

the afternoon passed quickly
clean up
laundry
more clean up
go to vote for our municipality - mayor, school trustee and councillors
the city is voting for a new mayor too
a much bigger vote than our little R.M.
but none the less, an exercise of our rights as adults
supper
more clean up
more laundry
and now thinking of getting off to bed
seems pretty straightforward
pretty routine

and yet a listen to the news is anything but
and a reminder that this world is in such trouble
a soldier is gunned down
while he does nothing but stands on duty at a war memorial
and tonight, parents are grieving the death of a son
my heart breaks

in our city
a woman is arrested
as the remains of 6 babies are found in her storage unit
6 babies
what would have made her do that
how desperate or depraved
its hard not to pass judgment
O Lord, have mercy

in our church
we are praying this week for the city police department
how do we pray?
we protection
for justice
for mercy
for compassion
and for light to shine brighter into a city that has a really bad record for murder and crime

my day
routine and good
life around me
is anything but
I pray because I know God hears me
and even though I don't understand why any of these tragedies happen
I know that God is in control

I will keep praying
I will keep living my life for His glory
my part may seem small
but God can use my part for bigger things

This world is out of control
satan is running rampant
This
world
needs
God!

living life to the fullest: the impact of Jake's funeral

Today was the second day I was at a funeral.  Two days.  Two funerals.  I hope this is not the new normal.  It is however a reminder that we are getting older.  And that our days are numbered by our Almighty God from the time of conception till we go "home" - God knows the number of our days.

Today's funeral was that of a friend. An older man, he was 79 although you would not have known that.  NOT that 79 is OLD but let's face it, it is 9 years more than the "3 score and ten" that the Bible refers to.

Jacob Klassen.  Same last name but not a relative.  It is like that in the German world ... many Klassens around.  (which also I should say, I have learned how to play the Mennonite Name Game with the best of them - having been immersed in this world for 40 of my 56 years!!)
Jake as he was often called, was a man within our congregation that affirmed me in ministry.  He was also always more than willing to help out in whatever way he could.  I appreciated many things about Jake - and among them was his willingness to serve, and he served with a willing heart and a ready smile.

Today I heard more about Jake.  I also saw pictures that he painted, and heard about poems that he wrote.  His nieces and nephews attested to his love, his help, his support, his always using the moment to be a "teachable" moment.  A true teacher to the core of his being.
There were pictures on his memorabilia table that gave visual proof to his travels - and his love for adventure.  We joined him on the mission trip to Thailand.  We will remember those memories.

I was blessed by the memories and reflections shared by his extended family.  I was blessed by the worship songs that were chosen.  I recited aloud along with the congregation - Psalm 121 which was a Psalm he loved.

I spent time connecting with people - Jake's funeral drew us back into the church that was our church for 32 years as a couple, and for almost 8 years as a Pastor.  I sat in the back overflow room, and looked around, recalling the times of sitting in the pews, of bringing my own two kids into the Sunday School rooms, of preaching many sermons, of praying with people, of joining women for Bible Studies and on and on.  Later I found out that Alvin was having the same sweet memories.  Jake's funeral brought us back into a place that helped raise us, and Jake and Agatha were two of those people who spoke into our lives, and later into my pastoral ministry with love and prayer and encouragement.

One of his great nieces, Angela, shared how Uncle Jake was a lover of the stories, and passed down stories and was writing his story too.  She shared how with him gone now, it is still necessary to keep talking about the history, about the life of the family as it passes down.  Its funny, because I have decided that I need to write my story.  Not sure if anyone would read it, but I am going to do it for my kids and for my grandkids.  A story of faithfulness.  A story of adventure.  A story of highs and lows. A story worth sharing, worth recalling and passing down.  My legacy.  Jake's life has encouraged me to do just that.  To "feel" life with all my being.  To live fully and allow God to take me the places that He has yet for me still to go.

I am only 56.  I feel young.  I have been told that I am a young Granny.  Apparently I do not look 56 although WHAT should 56 look like?  LOL   Even however at 56 I am so aware that my life is ticking by a day at a time.  And I really want to live fully .... I really want to GO BIG before I GO HOME!
I want to live with abandon to the ONE who has given me life to the full!  O Lord Jesus - you are such an amazing God.  I am 56 but I have lost peers in recent years.  I am young I feel, but age means nothing in the grand scheme of the "plan and purpose" that God has for me.

So...
I am going to write my story.
I am going to continue to thank God for each day and live fully in the NOW.  I know He holds my future, so I need not worry about that.  God please give me grace and strength for each new day.
I am going to live without fear of the unknown future.  Fear only prevents us from the adventure!
I am going to enjoy the sound and sight and smell of life ...
I am going to have more sleepovers with my grands, and enjoy some spontaneous fun!
I am going to continue to live life with less rules and more spontaneity ... just because
(I tell Alvin that when it comes to things, he is the rule keeper!! :)

I just want to love life - and live it and write about it, journal, blog, draw, take pics or talk over a good fresh cup of bold coffee!  Just because!

Jake Klassen - you have lived a life of adventure but mostly a life of glory to God!  You have run the race - and I can just imagine that you heard God say "well done good and faithful servant - well done!"  Thanks for supporting me and affirming me in ministry - for always helping out when needed - and for showing us that you can live life fully and GO BIG until God calls you HOME.

life is but a vapour 

I don't think I am the only one
that sits at a funeral
and wonders about my own
or about my spouse's
(depending on which of us goes first0

I don't think I am the only one
that wonders what would be said
or things that would bring a chuckle
or the songs that would represent me
as pictures of my life scrolled down the screen
for all to see

The Bible says that God has ordained the number of our days
before even one of them comes to be
The Bibles says that God saw us from the time we were "knit together in our mother's womb"
and knows which will be the day we take our last breath
The Bible says that "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death"
He is there with me
And I
I (with all my heart) believe that the Bible is TRUTH.

life is but a vapour 

Today I sat in a funeral
where tears rolled down cheeks at times
and chuckles were heard during a tribute
where there was the singing of ABIDE IN ME to begin with
but also songs of praise to end with
where the life of the deceased was talked about
and one knew that God was honoured through the life well lived

I am in the stage of life
where friends, and acquaintances are getting sick
and dying
where friends and acquaintance's funerals become a type of "social" life
I remember those days when a phone call with my mom, would bring me up to date
on which funeral they had been at
or who had just gotten a diagnosis
or died

I remember thinking that their (my parents) lives were full of attending funerals and memorial gatherings
of saying good-bye to those they knew and loved
a time of writing out sympathy cards
responding with a visit
or a meal
and praying
oh the praying ...

life is but a vapour 

Today I sat at the funeral
and before it began
something happened that perhaps brought a big of a "gasp" to my thoughts
You see - somehow I don't feel like I am getting older
(what do you mean my kids are 32 and 29!!)
Before the funeral began however
I felt like I was confronted with the reality of life in the lives of my peers my age or thereabouts
My daughter's friend hugged me and we chatted a bit
About being "too young" to have a friend that has lost a parent.
I was 37 and then 38 when I lost my mom, then my dad
I felt too young to become parent less!
And then she said it does feel very hard, very surreal - to realize that the parents of her friends are getting sick
and dying
My mind caught that "her friend's parents are dying"
her friend - at least one of them, is my daughter
her friend's parents - well, we are in that category

and while we are currently in good health
this funeral today
as well as ones coming up
remind me that our lives are but a vapour
here
gone
seen
unseen

just
like
a
vapour
here
and then
 ...  gone

life is but a vapour 

today's funeral made me think
the processional
the objects that were lovingly placed upon the casket that housed his earthly home
the roses
the music
the reflections
the mediation
the eulogy
and the band's rendition of It Is Well With My Soul gave me goosebumps
and God knows that
as well as the number of my days

tomorrow is another funeral
another friend
another service of celebrations
no doubt there will be pictures too.
and I will once again sit
and reflect
on what has been - what is - and what will be
my life
from beginning
to today, the present
to the future

our life is but a vapour 

O Lord God - for each one - each family that is mourning the loss of loved ones - Lord God - please be their strength.  Flood their memory with sweet memories.  Overwhelm them with your strength and your peace.  Surround them with those who will hold them up in prayer as they walk through each day.  And may each one know the hope that comes, with their loved one believing that you are God!  And Heaven is for real - and will be part of the story, and something to look forward to, as one day - we will be reunited.  And Lord God - please help me to live - each day FULLY abandoned to you - the giver of life!  Amen

James 4:14New International Version (NIV)

14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

life is but a vapour 

life

is

but

a

vapour (mist)

~

appears for a little while

and then 

.          .

autumn: my bittersweet love story

autumn

the sights

the sounds

the smells

my senses are heightened

and in tune with this season we call autumn

the leaves grow more brilliant with every day

colours that dazzle in splendour

God is showing off once again,

in the way that only God can

Creator knowing his creation

and changing it with the seasons

which flow one after another after another

just like our lives

autumn winter spring summer

autumn

this season where we oooo and ahhh over the beauty

where one day the leaves are rustling in all their colour

and the next day the wind whips them off

and they fly in the wind

spinning circles in the wind current

circling up and then down

accumulating in a pool of leaves

different sizes

different colours

but all together

i love the sound of autumn

the sound of the leaves rustling

and the sound of the leaves crunching once they have fallen

the sound of laughter coming from children playing in heaps upon heaps of leaves

raked up

piled

jumped in

thrown

and repeat

autumn joy

bliss

delight

the sound of bullrushes dry and swaying in the wind

and dried corn stalks keeping time in its field

i love the sound of the blue jays at the feeder

or the woodpecker that makes the tin pecking noise

 (doesn't he know the feeder is not a tree)

i love the sound of geese honking together

and the sound of their powerful wings flapping

i love the sound of campfires crackling

and chainsaws cutting wood up for winter

i love the sound of waves lapping up onto the beach

in anticipation of the freeze that will be coming all too soon

i love the sound of the motorcycles

getting in the last good ride before they are covered up and packed away for the winter

my senses take in the smell of autumn

black mud taking in its last rains before the rain turns to snow (it is coming)

leaves that fall in heaps in the bushes, and decaying as they form their natural compost

there is a smell that comes with walks in the bush .... the wet leaves

the smell of wild sage

the smell of campfires and farmers burning their stubble

the smell of the last wiener roasts of the summer,

good coffee and toasted marshmallows

and in the house the smell of pumpkin pies

turkey and stuffing

while the thanksgiving meal is being prepared

o Lord, I am thankful

autumn

oh i love you

and yet you hold such bittersweet memories

it was in autumn that i took a year off to walk in my depression and its healing

it was in autumn that i had the last great conversations with my dad, before his sudden death

it was in autumn that my kids both went away to school, and my house became an empty nest

autumn ...

creation dies ... the seeds fall into the ground ... go dormant for winter

autumn ... beauty just before the starkness of barren trees

autumn ... the season of thanksgiving in so many ways

autumn

there is no season like you

and you speak deeply to my being

you engage my senses

my thoughts

my imagination

and while my camera captures some images

nothing will ever just really capture the beauty of the actual season, and the moments this season holds

i love you

autumn

my bittersweet love story

                           

sunshine, squeals, and bike riding on the deck

the sun shines
and birds sing
some stop at the bird feeder
oblivious that we are on the deck

two boys
two bikes
a big deck
and lots of time

one very experienced
one learning
but he surprises me
his speed
his balance
almost like his brother

the deck
lovingly made by poppa
did he know
the bike racing that would happen
on a sunny afternoon in August
poppa is a little more cautious
and may perhaps think that this is not a good idea
but granny decides it is just fine
and sits where the one grandson has asked her to sit

a good place
by the steps
and she takes the role of the race starter
and the finisher
and the all out encourager
GO! GO! GO!
YOU'RE DOING IT!
WATCH FOR YOUR BROTHER
CAREFUL AT THE CURVES
GO! GO! GO!

streaks of green and yellow
wheels turning
feet running
laughter
screams of delight
sudden stops
the occasional bump
"I'M THE WINNER"

the birds continue to feed
still oblivious to the races that are happening
the sun continues to shine
on the boys
on the granny

lap after lap
energy
fun
enthusiasm
learning
brotherhood
encouragement

ever looking for the teachable moment
for the life lesson that God has in each moment
the granny knows this is such a sweet glimpse into life

into living all out
abandoned
adventure
starting
stopping
squeals of delight
curves and straightaways
occasional bumps

into living life with family
and friends
playing
working
encouraging
learning together
sharing
fun
adventure
LIFE

and the granny
videotapes the moments in time on her iPhone
and continues to shout encouragement
and smiles
oh she smiles
and stores all these things in her heart
knowing that today
these moments
these bike races
these grandchildren and the others who are not on the deck at this moment
continue to teach
stretch
and overwhelm her being with great love and thanksgiving

oh yes
she knows
i know
because
I AM THE GRANNY

things that make me smile!

Lately, these are the things that have made me smile!

• the sight of two women in heels, one with a shopping bag, trying to gather a couple goslings that were trying to follow their parents (geese) across a busy street.  The geese were honking like crazy as they watched their goslings going opposite ways.  There were only two, but they were shoo'd across the highway as cars stopped to give them safe passage.  WAY TO GO LADIES IN HEELS!
• my grandson telling me "Granny, you have different rules"   "Really?  What do you mean?"  "Well Granny you have different sugar rules, Mom only lets us have one sugar thing".  BUSTED.  
• breakfast with a sweet friend who loves to laugh.  
• going to CURVES to work out seeing how different people are when they use the recovery boards between the machines.  Some jog, some walk, some do weird exercises!  Hmmm…. 
• unexpected connections as I play the Mennonite game with the best of them!!  Some say there are 7 degrees of separation, but in Manitoba - I think it is far less
• my bouquet of tulips
• coffee with a friend tonight.  Did I mention that BOTH friends paid for me because it is my birthday this week.  SPOILED I KNOW!!
• My husband Alvin has always joked with the grandkids from the time they are little - he says "Who's the best?" And then he says (with arm pump in the air) "Poppa" to which the kids laugh with him.  The other day, while babysitting my youngest grand, I tested her to see her reaction.  She is a year and a half old.  I said "who's the best" and she promptly said "Poppa"  Later I told my daughter to ask - and the answer was the same.  Mattie had not done this before. Poppa was pumped to get a video on his iPhone
• the sound of bluejays but better still - seeing them
• CHIPPY our chipmunk has become our thorn in our flesh (fills our car vent with birdseed) A pain, but at the same time makes me smile - because well, chipmunks are just perky and cute little guys.  I think it is the stripe!

More things that have made me smile lately:

• occasional soft ice-cream at Half Moon (its a little too close to where we live)
• our first convertible ride of the summer (love the freedom)
• learning how to cut our front lawn with our big riding mower (bigger than anything I cut lawns with before)  I loved the straightaways!!
• the outhouse that just got put on the beginning of our property (there is a reason)
• beautiful little finches in the trees
• watching a bald eagle soar
• hot tubbing in the early morning
• beautiful hanging flowers that I put up tonight after my friend picked them up and delivered them
• my kids celebrating my birthday (birthday is tomorrow, but we celebrated Tuesday night since the guys work tomorrow) and watching my grands being so excited about the gift they were going to give me!
• feeling so loved, appreciated and special

And a few more things that make me smile

• spending an impromptu tea time and conversation (couple hours) with a very special aunt and uncle 
• talking about high school and my early years of dating my husband (tomorrow I turn 56 … we dated at 16 )
• pushing my grandson on the swing - for what seemed like hours.  There is something wonderful about a swing.  I am looking for a big one for our front tree.
• making a birthday cake for one of our pastors, and I will deliver it - he and I share the same birthday although I am a year older 
• watching YouTube with my husband (ask our kids about that)
• sitting in our gazebo - listening to the birds
• sunsets
• sunrises
• smell of fresh rain
• dandelions …. even if they are weeds.
• My kids, my grandkids and well my husband and I laugh a lot!!  I love my gang.
• YOU … if you are reading this - I hope it has made you smile too.

Don't forget to count your blessings!  Night.