I almost fell off my chair!!

I am convinced that God must smile when He gets to show off His power, His might, His love to us
especially when we are least expecting it!!

It has been a full couple of weeks lately.  I am working along with a team of sweet sweet women (family and friends who are considered family ) on some ministry stuff.  Now, I will admit - I am prone to worry at times - especially when it involves money!!  While we were talking, I shared this with the planning group who were all quick to tell me that this idea is HIS - the ministry is HIS and HE will do what He does best - and that is being involved in our lives, in the ministry, and providing for us.  

On the weekend when I was doing my QT with Him - while reading in 2 Corinthians where Paul is talking to the church there about giving and about ministry.  At one point he tell them that "as a result of your ministry they will give glory to God and they will pray for you with deep affection because of the overflowing grace God has given to you."  I was so deeply impacted that these verses on giving/on ministry, on God's grace, on our testimony was there that day because this girl (me)  needed to read that.  I finished my quiet time with prayer written in my journal giving God my angst regarding this ministry idea we are planning.  (a fundraising banquet)

It is all about Him.  This ministry we always try to hold loosely with upturned hands.

Alvin and I have seriously I don't think EVER in this way been on the same page in such a profound way.  He was the one that at one time before opening the ministry - felt that success was going to be measured by $$

On the way to HMI camp the one night he told me that God had impressed on him that we should not advertise on radio etc as he feels God is bringing those who need to come through word and mouth/social media Facebook and that instead we need to develop and pray about our donor base.  It is just a little overwhelming when I think of all God is showing me these days.  HE TOTALLY OVERWHELMS THIS COUNTRY MOUSE!!  And yet, every time HE does, I am always so surprised!!  I am so glad that He is so involved in my life!  Where would we be - where would our family be - where would our ministry be - without GOD!!

ANYHOW so here is the part that almost made me fall off my chair.  

Every Tuesday night is a concert of prayer at our church, Eastview Community Church.  It has been going for almost a year straight - right through summer.  I was not able to go since early June - for one reason or another - and my soul was missing it so much. (SO INCREDIBLY MUCH)  Last night I was able to go and in the morning - Alvin strongly encouraged me to go.  Now he sometimes comes too - but I know that prayer is definitely an area of gifting God has given to me.  SO I looked forward to going all day - and my heart was so joyful at the thought of meeting with the others to pray and listen on behalf of others.

Well, yesterday we also booked the even idea - Thursday, November 5th and knowing that means I have to give a deposit - so I will be honest - the anxiety was up a notch or too.  Nothing like a little angst to make you get on your knees again.

So last night I got there - and sat down.  As I was sitting there - in stillness, listening, praying - I was silently conversing with the LORD and my thoughts were such:

"okay LORD I felt like I needed to share about the ministry - about board members - about the banquet - about the finical concern - about sponsors, about donors . And I need to have a clear sign from you LORD because I don't want to sound like my request for prayer is soliciting for money ... so I will wait for a sign.  But then again God - you are so big - so powerful - that I know you could just get someone to pray for the ministry and these concerns if you want to.  So I will wait and see what I feel you are saying to me about it all."  I almost felt a little cheeky saying that - almost a little like I was trying to tease God into a response!  I knew God can do the impossible but still.

Well ... about half an hour later - Tania  begins to pray and she began with how she has felt an overwhelming sense to pray for me and for the ministry.  Well she prayed for every single component of my thoughts PLUS more ..

Then her brother Mark E prayed for prophetic gifting for me (I will have to tell you that story sometime, but it was also so on the dot) and then Mark's wife Allison prayed for strength and health and no pain with my FMS ...

I am not sure if I was sitting there with my mouth open or not - I felt like I was!!  God - He was really showing off to me - and I was totally dumbstruck!  I was totally blown away by God.  I can't help but think He had this huge smile too - like  He was saying - "well, you wanted me to show you didn't you!!"

I just actually got off the phone with Tania as she had to leave last night before it was totally over - I had shared with the rest about what God had done and wanted to tell her too.  She said she had very briefly talked with her friend Nikki who is on the board and had  told her we were having a banquet - but that was all. She told me that she just knew that God was saying she had to pray aloud for me and the ministry.  SO she did.

Oh man - over and over again God shows His power and might to me.  Over and over and over again.

I know HE is a God who wants to be involved in my life - right down to the details.

The other day, as I had told you ~ during my QT as I had prayed - I ended the journal entry by saying "LORD please blow my socks off once again."  Well seems like he stepped it up a notch!! Glad I was hanging onto my chair!  

ONLY.  GOD.

YES

ONLY.

GOD

Listen up - Moses is speaking!

These days, I am working through the Life Journal Bible reading plan put together by Pastor Wayne Codeiro (who we had the great privilege of sitting under his teaching one Sunday while we were in Hawaii)  I have started on this plan before - but this year - I am bound and determined to read through the Bible once again.  I have to admit - Leviticus ... not so fun reading ... but now I am in Deuteronomy and it is getting better.  Reading it through the S.O.A.P approach makes me read, observe, apply ...

ANYHOW ... today I was reading in the beginning chapters of Deuteronomy.  These are the chapters where Moses is speaking to the people and giving them the last big talk (BIG talk) before they cross into the promised land - leaving Moses behind.  (I have wondered how Moses felt - the sadness but that is for another post, not this one).

This chapter holds some of the verses that I love!!  Here they are:

4 “Listen, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord alone.[a] 5 And you must love the Lordyour God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. 6 And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. 7 Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. 8 Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. 9 Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Moses is telling them - LISTEN UP!!  UNDERSTAND what I am telling you!  He is telling them to see the LORD as Sovereign!  To love Him with ALL their heart, soul, and strength.  To commit not just a bit - but WHOLE heartedly.  To tell their children !  Even to write them on the doorposts so that they will never forget!  After all - you go in and out of a door several times a day!!  What a good way to remember.

And this portion made me think.  And as usual, I have more thoughts than actual answers.  My thoughts take me into a place of contemplation ... and a place of wondering what my response is.  

Here are some of my thoughts:

Do I really love my LORD with all my heart?  With all my soul?  With all my strength?  If so ... what does that look like in my every day life?

I want to commit wholeheartedly.  My "word" for 2014 was "abandoned" as in I want to be totally abandoned to Jesus!!  Do I live a wholehearted commitment to Jesus?  And what does that look like in my life?

Do I talk to my children about the LORD?  To my grand children?  Is living for Jesus part of my every day in - day out conversation?  Do my children know that I am in a relationship with Jesus Christ?  Do I recount the faithfulness of God to me, to Alvin and I, to our family, to my parents, to my grandparents.  (My grandparents were first generation to love Jesus as LORD of their lives)

What are my thoughts in response?  I am so thankful that Jesus knows that I am so human - and often so negligent in my relationship with Him.  YET He still loves me so completely and unconditionally.  And covers me with such amazing grace.  WOW ...   In my every day, my thoughts are often on the LORD. He affects the decisions I make, the answers I give, the actions I take.  HE affects my relationship with others - family, friends, and acquaintances as well as new friends I meet through our ministry.  

I know that I want to be totally abandoned/totally and wholeheartedly committed to the most amazing Saviour Jesus.  I also know that sometimes I just run ahead on my own - as if I can handle life just fine.  (NOT)  Commitment is often hard - as sometimes you may not feel like doing/being/participating - but I have come to see that following Jesus - HE never lets you down.  My life is a continual giving up and giving over to Him.  Continual!  It's about laying it all down before HIM ... often many times during the day.  I am so glad He is good with that!  

Do I tell my kids, my grandkids.  YES!  I thank God that Alvin and I raised our kids in a God-loving home.  We may have done a ton of things wrong as parents - but we kept God as head of our home - and that was RIGHT :)   Over the last 15 years especially we as a family have seen over and over how God is at work in our lives - in mine, in Alvin's, in our marriage, in our kids, and I see how the grandkids hearts are already in tune with Jesus.  Over the last 15 years, we have walked through such extreme lows and such amazing mountaintop experiences and a whole lot of dusty road miles!  Seriously - there have been such hard times that we were face down often.  But always in hindsight - we see the plan that has unfolded and while we don't understand parts - we continue to believe He is Sovereign and in control.  Living our life in ministry now - has given us a new boldness, a new awareness of where the LORD leads you if you are willing to go on that adventure with Him.  Yep - an adventure for sure!  This is one reason that I really want to write my story - as I want to put in print even some of what the LORD has been up to in our lives - so that my grandkids can see HIS faithfulness to the generations!

I often wonder if I had been in the tribes of people - going from Egypt to the promised land - but wandering around for 40 years in the wilderness ... would I have been so rebellious - so heart hardened - so disobedient?  I will never know will I.  However, I know that sometimes this gal wanders around a lot - in her own wilderness, and one thing I know for sure - that walking WITH the LORD is way better than running some other way, or refusing to follow.

LORD GOD - you are my God and your are the ONLY ONE.  Help me to love you with all I have - my heart, soul, and strength.  Show me the times I am half-hearted.  Help me to be fully committed to YOU and to be a woman of faith for my kids, my grandkids and those who may come to know me.  May my life be a living testament to your faithfulness, your love, and your grace.  May all who enter through the doors to my home know that YOU are LORD of my/our life.  Amen.

unexpected gifts

This morning as I was waiting for retreaters to come, my daughter-in-law ran in and dropped off my coffee order, and also a beautiful polkadotted bag with tissue coming out of it.  She said, "and this is for you."  I was puzzled and she said, "its from Jenn, it came to Josh at the firehall last night."

Jenn and I go back to 2009 when we decided to get the basement room repainted as we were putting our house on the market and I am not sure if it had ever been painted.  Jenn works with the fire dept. and had gotten to know the boys (husband and son).  She also was painting as a side job, so she came to do this small job for us.  I made coffee for a coffee break, and we had our first chat!  I remember that.  You know, sometimes women firefighters can be intimidating!!  (never thought, maybe it was intimidating talking to an ex-pastor LOL)  ANYHOW that day, we became friends too.

Jenn has blessed me before - as she had at one time also sent another gift to me via Josh (my son).  I look at it every time I walk into our "sanctuary".  I guess I have just realized that she is a generous person!

When I got the gift this morning - each a musical note - and each one with a different saying ...
"Sing like no one's listening"   "Dance like no one's watching" "Work like you don't need the money" and "Love like you've never been hurt"  - I unwrapped each one - again surprised at the gift - and then it hit me ...  little did Jenn know that her generosity to this gal was more than the gift she wrapped!

Let me explain.

Lately I have been struggling.  Struggling may sound like a bad word.  I don't see it that way at all - as it is in this struggle or wrestle that I am finding out more about myself - and more about how God has called and how He is working in my life. I have shared with some close prayer warriors in my life - that God has me so far out on a proverbial limb - that I am afraid I am going to fall off.   Allow me to explain a little:

You see ... yes, He called me to this ministry back in 2000 with 10 or so words.  "Open a place where women can go to just be."  He called me out of a 25 year career.  THEN thinking I was going to "open a place" He took that, put it on the back burner, and called me into full-time pastoral ministry.
During that 7.5 year time of pastoring we lost our firstborn grand baby Jay.  THEN as clearly as He called me into ministry, He called me OUT of ministry.  We left our home church of 32 years and found a new home to worship at.  We sold our home.  Moved 3 times during the course of two years as we built the ministry house which we own, and live in the basement of.  During that time, we lost our last remaining parent to cancer.  We also had during that time prior to our grand opening - two more grandsons, and one granddaughter.  This time frame - 13 years to the time we opened, and then 2 years since - we have grown in so many ways.  We are older/wiser/more joy filled/and yes financially poorer!  But we have learned so much!
We have learned that "success" is not measured by how financially viable we are.  We have learned that our eyes are opened in a new way to God around us.  We have learned that God sends people our way - and we can provide this place for them - but we see how He provides the peace in this place.
I can not manufacture the overwhelming sense of "calm" "serenity" "peace" ... sure I can play music, and use warm colours of paint, and keep candles lit - but folks, regardless of what you call it - it is GOD that fills this place with the "thing" that you sense as you walk in.

ANYHOW back to the story ... lol .... yes, the limb that I am clinging to feeling like I am going to fall off.  I have found out something which has totally taken a weight off my chest.  I knew I was called to this.  Never been surer of something in my life.  HOWEVER I have struggled with how hard it is.  Terribly Hard for a few reasons.  At least once a week God hears me say again "God ... I think you have the wrong person for this - I just can't do it any more ....."  Usually within half an hour He hears me again "LORD I know you have the right person - I just really need you to give me strength here."
The thing that I have found out is that in my OWN strength - I can NOT do this.  HOWEVER in the power of the HOLY SPIRIT I CAN!"   Part of the struggle for me over past couple years (since I left Canadian Blood Services job) was the fact that I am not bringing in an income yet.  Oh the ministry is - don't get me wrong.  However I am not yet making a wage.  Now, that being said, my husband has never put a guilt trip on me for not bringing in any money.  Never has - pretty sure he never will.  HOWEVER I feel like somehow I need to contribute financially as he is working so incredibly hard.
The "wage earner" thing has been heavy on my mind as I have adopted the title of what someone called me "a full-time volunteer".  NOW PLEASE - I AM NOT COMPLAINING (lest you read this an think I am)  The things that the LORD gives me through blessing from people who come - far outweigh any salary I would make.  But lets face it - I am human, and I know that making some income would make me feel more like I was contributing.  Enough said.

Now the other thing - is that I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with the LORD.  I have been reading a book by Angela Thomas called Do You Think I'm Beautiful.  She refers to our relationship with the LORD as that of a dance together.   Dr. Larry Crabb (when I studied under him) also referred to our relationship with Jesus as a dance.   NOW lately I have been at my niece's social, and a week ago, at her dance.  I did not get up to dance even though my toes were tapping.  You see ... I want to dance - but I feel so incredibly inhibited.  WHERE DOES THAT COME FROM?  Perhaps my conservative Brethren background (although my parents did, contrary to other christian parents I knew, let me go to some dances).  I loved to dance and I did.  Somewhere along the line - all of a sudden, I lost that freedom, and I am inhibited.  YESTERDAY I actually googled and read an article on "Dancing before the LORD" and I have decided that I need to begin to dance with HIM on a regular basis.  That is my first desire - and then well, maybe He will take the inhibition and I can begin to slow dance again with my husband!

And the other thing that the LORD has been working on with me - is loving and extending grace.  (blogged about "grace" the other day).  I think I love well - I love my family - I love my friends - I love my life.  But that has not meant that I have not struggled from time to time with loving someone who has hurt me.  That has been a wrestle that I can thank God He helped me overcome ...
loving when you have been hurt is not easy - but it is possible!  I know that - and what freedom that gives when you realize true forgiveness has happened and has been overcome with love and grace.

So I have been thinking of those three things .... working, and loving with grace, and dancing.  And along comes the unexpected gift from Jenn.  A reminder to work like I don't need the money!  (in other words - give it all you've got - work with excellence because that alone is important and enough) ~ and the reminder to dance like no one is watching!  Believe me - that is how I dance and will dance - with only the eyes of the Almighty watching this girl dance!!  AND last but not least the lesson from a while ago - Love like you've never been hurt.  That is something that I can say - I can finally do.

If you know me well enough - you know that I look for God's fingerprints all over my life.  WHY?  because for one thing - I know they are there!  God in each moment of each day.  Sometimes He surprises me - sometimes He makes me fall before him in awe and often He takes my breath away.  You will know that I don't believe anything is an accident - or a coincidence.  My dad used to say - "People think answers to prayer are just coincidence but you will find that if you stop praying - coincidences stop happening.    I often call them "God-things" when they happen.   I know that sometimes God uses people without any knowledge on their part .. just because He is God, and He can.  I think that what happened today - the unexpected gift from Jenn - was a "God thing".

The only thing that He hasn't worked on me about lately is the singing part ... the last one:  Sing like no one's listening.  Hmm... maybe HE is telling me something.  Guess I should go sing a few notes!

Bottom line:  remember that unexpected things are really blessings in disguise!

HE asks me if I get it?

Grace 

It’s all about grace

my amazing grace

full, overflowing

free

amazing grace!

That’s it - in a tight little nutshell

hmmm

how do I live in it?

This morning, the LORD challenged me with those thoughts

asking me if I get it fully

if I live in it?

and if I reach out because of it?

and more so, do I extend it to others.

I hear Him speak to me 

and write down the words as He talks

I sit back

silencing the many thoughts about many things on this day

and focus on this one question to me

HIS question

“do you get it?”

While I believe that I do -

I cannot help but be reminded of the reactions I’ve had -

the thoughts in response to situation,

perhaps even a laugh or two at a story at the expense of another

(often not present as the story is being told)

Ugh!

what does grace have to do with my every day?

absolutely everything!

love

and grace

His grace covers me -

but it also needs to flow through me

regardless of how people make me feel

i need to respond in and with grace

Regardless of how people may hurt my feelings with words or actions

I need to respond in and with grace

Regardless of broken promises, unfulfilled commitments

underserved ridicule or laughter at my expense

perceived or unperceived

grace

grace

grace

grace

GRACE

Always Grace!!

Grace - as Jesus showed us - it is undeserved.

My grace is undeserved yet fully given

no strings attached

given out of the greatest most unconditional love ever ... through Jesus dying for my sin

It’s all about grace

my life

my reason for being

my hope for eternity with Jesus

my faith is grounded and alive because of His grace

I am redeemed

covered

sanctified

and because of that I stand amazed by grace

that I (such as I am)

have this life - this promise - this relationship with Jesus

It’s all about grace

as I see others

talk with others

pray for others

interact with others

in all situations

in all circumstances - good and bad ...

Grace prevails

As He asked me this morning “do you get it”

I stop

I revel in the feeling of tangible grace wash over me, into me, through me

and whisper with a voice of awe

Yes LORD yes ..  I get it.

th0ts

th0ts

the grandkids blow with small puffs into their wands that are dripping with soapy water

screaming with glee

as bubbles form

grow

and let loose

blowing across their yard

some breaking immediately with a quiet pop

some piggyback onto another one

and some fly away into the distance

never to be seen again

such are my th0ts

the th0ts  in my head

whirl and spin

sometimes bumping into each other

and once in a while pirouetting

i marvel at them

and other times i am left breathless

amazed

and often exhausted

there are many th0ts

some eloquent

or they would be if given voice

others

well, kind of messy

cluttered

piled

as if perhaps discarded ?

hmmmm

th0ts

good

bad

ugly

elegant

classy

profound

mixed with messy

reoccurring

simple 

th0ts

old ones from years gone by

some in fact, are defining moments

that have been stored away in my mind and heart

other th0ts are merely not true

but they sometimes take a life of their own

and i sometimes live as if they were

th0ts about me as a child

a teen

a young adult

a young wife

a mom

a working woman

oh there are so many th0ts there 

some feel like they should be buried

and i often wonder why they keep coming to the surface

others feel like they were yesterday

and they bring joy as i recall them

th0ts on marriage

truthful th0ts

some shared

some journal led

some remain unspoken

and others unwritten

except in the indelible ink of my memory and mind

the unwritten ones

especially about marriage and love

are full of intrigue and warm fuzzes

lest perhaps some may think my marriage has been perfect

or without drama

i would hate to burst your bubbles with my th0ts

lol

th0ts

all mine

old ones

new ones

happy ones

sad ones

exciting ones

mundane

fleeting

lasting

funny

serious

 th0ts

i sit

i watch

i think

i think a lot actually

my th0ts come

and go

and sometimes come around again

some stay

and those th0ts

are all mine

all

mine

 th0ts

57 reasons I love my life!

Well ... my birthday was yesterday.  I turned 57.  Yes.  57.
I realize that "years ago" when I was young (LOL) I thought that 57 was old!
Now believe me, it doesn't seem so old!
Where does time go.

I thought perhaps I would share 57 points on what I love about my life!!

1. Jesus
2. my husband of almost 37 married years, and almost 41 years since we started dating
3. my children and their spouses, who I also refer to as my kids:  In the order they came into our family:  Joshua (son) Ashley (daughter) Leah (d-i-l) and Michael (s-i-l)  
4. My grandchildren:  Jay, who is in Heaven since July 2008; Everett, Roger and Matilda. You bring me so much joy.
5. my parents:  Gerald Henry Thomas and Verna Mildred Elsie (Ladell) Thomas aka DOLLY
6. My siblings and their families:  Mary-Ann and Nelson; Heather and Greg, Tim and Jody, Brian; Angie; Elleanore and Ray; Neil and Ingrid; Ruth and Todd; Rick and Corinna
7. My nieces and nephews:  (in order of birth) Keri (in Heaven), Mel and husband Grant,   Gord and wife Janice; Amanda and soon to be husband Dan, Samantha and husband Blake, Cassandra and boyfriend Mark; Joel; Rachel, Adrian, Daniel T.,  Miranda, Jonathan, Daniel, Sarah, Nicholas.  
8. My friends - you know who you are, and the place you hold in my life.  Some of you have been in my life a very very long time!!  
9. my church - so blessed by our pastors!!  Eastview Community Church - we love being a part of this community.
10. my care group
11. The ministry that God has called me to - Women Refreshed at the Well.  We have yet to see what God is all up to here with this ministry
12. my Bible (just bought myself a new one!!)
13. journalling
14. music
15. where we live - close to the city - but in the country
16. songbirds that sing
17. flowers that are growing
18. the sound of leaves rustling
19. blue clouds
20. bluejays
21. sound of coyotes howling
22. frogs croaking
23. sunrises
24. sunsets
25. falling start
26. northernlights
27. late night hot tubbing
28. early morning hot tubbing
29. exercising under Richard's expertise
30. sound of my grandkids laughter
31. hugs
32. kisses
33. having my family together
34. reading books
35. knitting prayer shawls
36. good bold Red Lake Coffee
37. crackling fires
38. chocolate
39. red wine
40. laughing till tears run
41. cold pillows while I sleep
42. watching first snow fall
43. walking
44. hearing the Blue Jays call
45. watching eagles soar
46. music
47. sitting by the ocean
48. travelling
49. feeling sand between my toes
50. cottage time
51. riding in the convertible
52. getting cards in the mail
53. coffee with friends
54. watching a good movie
55. sharing my story with others (God is amazing!!)
56. napping in the sun
57. ministry:  Women Refreshed at the Well, and other ministry as God sees fit for me

...........

yes, I could likely go on - however for now - these are the 57 reasons that I came up with and I am thankful to God for ... there are way more - I just wrote them as they came to mind.

Thank you LORD for forgiving me - for being my Saviour.  You are my number ONE.

I love you ...

My life is in YOUR hands.

Thank you for these few reasons - you have richly blessed me.

I love you - and thank you for my life.

Amen

Do you think I'm beautiful?

Do you think I am beautiful?  This is a book, and a Bible study that is written by Angela Thomas.  I have decided to finally read the book, and do the study.  I need to.  This is a question that I wrestle with - lately, I am wrestling with it a lot.  

I have chosen to do this study as I realize I have once again been struggling with things in my life.  My weight.  My eating.  My self-worth.  It is all tied up together in a not so neat little ball of stuff.  Messy.  Ugly.  Unwanted stuff.

How do I unravel the big messy ball?  Or do I just try getting rid of it - by throwing it out - or pushing it back into a corner or a closet - hopefully never to resurface again.  Not likely.  I am not sticking my head in the sand.  I know that life is messy and that life is hard.  I just somehow thought I had perhaps moved past this stuff.  The stuff that makes me reflect and wonder and sometimes weep - but often feel paralyzed as if knowing the answers would free me to become more of me - or more of what I want to be.  Hmmm... LIFE.  Gotta love it.

My journey - a good journey but often a hard one.  My lettering on the wall into our private suite says “there is joy in the journey.”  As I am running the stairs some weeks as part of my work-out, I see the “there is joy in the journey” and smile through my sometimes gritted teeth lol.  My journal says Life is a journey not a destination.  I feel like I know all the things I need to know - I have all the answers - I have read the books - given the advice yada yada ... oh sigh **

This is a journey.  I knew it would not be an easy one.  Journeying with Jesus doesn’t mean life would be easy ... and well, why am I surprised.  I do believe however, that without HIM, I would be more of a mess than I am!  So with that, I am thankful for his grace and mercy and care in my life.  I know that He wants me whole and healthy - body soul, mind and spirit.  I know that the struggles in my life that affect my day to day - eating and weight issues - are intricately webbed within one another.  The spiritual - is the main part of me and one that is greatly affected by the other and also greatly affects the other.  When my life is right with the LORD, things fall into place. 

Sometimes I struggle and wonder why at this age of almost 57 (in two weeks) do I still struggle with the same old, same old??  Seriously??  WHY?

Hmmm... there is so much for me to learn, and I hope some of it I will have learned on this side of heaven in the years ahead.  I want to keep learning until the day God takes me home to be with Him.  

It is no secret - I am pretty open with this - that I have struggled with feeling beautiful.  I have a hard time being convinced of that.  I struggle with the good compliments.  I look in the mirror and see the flaws that are becoming more obvious as I age ..

I want women to see first and foremost how beautiful they are in the eyes of GOD (instead of wanting to feel beautiful in the eyes of their spouse/significant other/world) and yet I have been shown (and have come completely undone in the process) that THIS girl doesn’t truly believe it for myself.  Hmmm...  seems I have to learn the lessons before I can help others learn them.  O LORD help me ... please help me believe it for myself.

Did something happen in my past?  Did I feel “less than” ... did someone hurt or offend me?  Was I made to feel ugly?  REALLY ... whether I say yes or no - does it matter?  In the long run - does it really matter if I can put my finger on something - as if making me see when and why would help me get on with life now and begin to feel beautiful?  Would blaming something or someone make me feel like I can start believing and stop listening to the lies that echo in my head alot?

Perhaps I haven’t really come to know who I am because I have been scared to try to figure that out for whatever reason?  I haven’t known the heart of the woman inside of me.  I really want that to change.  I want to change.  I want to believe that I AM truly beautiful in God’s eyes and that is all that matters... regardless of how often or how my husband affirms my beauty (or not).  It is only a bonus coming from him, because all that really matters is that I know that HE loves me most, and intimately, and thinks I am absolutely beautiful!  

I want that.  I want to believe it.

I want to put an end to the lies I have believed all my life.

The self doubt.  The self condemnation.  The  put downs.

Because it is just that - lies!!  Lies that satan, the deceiver want me to believe so that I stay insignificant and feeling useless and like a failure and that my self-worth stays low.

I want to be a strong woman - an overcomer, a strong believer - and I know it is the Lord who will help me through this - so that I can become not only a woman who believes I am beautiful in HIS eyes - regardless of the rest of the world around me - but also become a woman who is courageous and alive!!  It is in Him that I see how beautiful and how much worth I have.  

YES ...  this is what I want.

O Lord - my love, my life ... my strength.

Please help me as I get to know my heart and how it is so enveloped by yours.

I want to feel beautiful.  I want to believe it all the time - with all my heart, and I can only do it in your strength.  Please LORD.  I need you.

Amen