the crushing weight of anxiety

 

Here I sit by the fire while my good man sleeps soundly in bed. It is one of those nights and laying there in the dark with the soon to be soft snores of my husband does nothing to move the proverbial "elephant on my chest" off.  A combination of the constant loud ringing in both ears, coupled with the thoughts that are bouncing around my head (and multiplying as they bounce) make me lay there procrastinating about just getting up out of bed for a while.  I realize that going onto my computer is likely not the best thing, but at least it allows me to put thoughts down on paper (for what they are worth) it seems to help.

I expressed to Alvin that I felt this heaviness (the elephant) and I felt like I needed to go outside to catch my breath.  He asked me if I wanted to go for a walk.  I have been doing alot of walking lately, and my body has been thankful.  However, I didnt think heading out the door in the pitch black at almost midnight was a good plan.  The feeling of just having to get out and breathe isn't a new feeling.  And it is one that I have talked with my doctor about.  A year and a half ago, I was experiencing anxiety.  I will be honest - this has been a new thing to me in the last few years.  Although I remember my first experience (2008) shook me to the core - I hated the feeling - the panic - the feeling like I wanted to stop the bus and get the heck out of Dodge!  I remember that morning.  It was the culmination of some exceptionally hard stuff in my work place.  The reaction I had that morning - my first encounter with anixety was a feeling that was  new and overwhelming and scary all at the same time.  I know it scared my husband.

Anxiety is a hard one.  I think perhaps even more so when you are a Christ-follower.  We all know the verse 1 Peter 5:7  NLT  "7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." and Philippians 4:6-7 New Living Translation which says: "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

I want to cast all my care and anxiety - I really really do.  I want to not worry about a thing.  I pray like crazy and God and I talk together alot.  I know HIS peace is real.  But I still have this anxiety that comes up from no where and threatens to squeeze the breath right out of me. Most of the time I can deal with it - it has so far NOT been debilitating like I know it is for a few of my friends.  But, in the midst of calling out to God - the anxiety feels very very real!  Because. It. Is.

I think it is very easy for a Christ follower/believer to beat ourselves us, almost like a berating of sorts - but God knows that too.  And I know that He promises us that HE is with us - even when we don't feel him, or hear him, or see him at work at the time.  He is there.

I think that this past year (well, almost a year) has only contributed to our crazy mixed up, shaken up, turned upside down on our heads emotions.  Not one single person is untouched.  And many MANY are in the struggle of their life (literally)  to keep their heads above the seas of emotions on a daily basis.  I also know that feeling of emotional drowning . It feels so real.  Covid-19 has done a number on us.  That is NO secret.  The other day #BELLLETSTALK encouraged people to speak out loud about depression and mental health.  So many emotional rollercoasters happening, with some feeling like there is no track left for the roller coaster to ride on.  It's hard, and I know how hard some of my friends are fighting through each day.  Fighting to take that breath all the time knowing that God is there for them, and He is in control.  But in the midst of it all, there are times when (at least for me) I would just really like to see God - like REALLY SEE HIM in person beside me.  Guess that's why we call it faith right - because we love and believe in the ONE who right now is unseen.  Although the presence of the Holy Spirit is so felt.  I will admit I have some friends who have struggled with anxiety and depression for a huge chunk of their lives, and continue to hang onto God, sometimes by the skin of their teeth - but still believeing that even though they have not experienced healing on this side of heaven - they are still trusting God with His plan for them.  THAT takes faith!  I have learned alot from these friends.

Anxiety is a tough one as I know it sometimes bubbles up - I can usually feel it, and like I said, can work through it.  However my doctor gave me something to "keep in my back pocket" in case there are times that I need something to help me through.  I have had the preseciption filled and in the medicine cabinet for a year and a half, with likely just 4 missing, one of which I took for my MRI the other day.  It was strongly encouraged due to the fact that as I have gotten older, I have struggled with more anxiety ie at the dentist, or going for the MRI on my head ... let me tell you though, that was a decision.  I had people praying, and I know that was the major help in my MRI experience.  (I laid in that machine with spa music pumping through the headphones, and the vibrating noise of the machine and concentrating my thoughts on the LORD, knowing people were praying.  SO THANKFUL.

As I laid in bed tonight, I kept thinking - should I take one of those little teeny weeny pills ?  But just getting up out of bed, and coming to sit in this room, and writing these thoughts has helped to move that big ol elephant off.  

I once heard someone say that anxiety is unmet expectations.  Somehow I can't wrap my head fully around that one - but at the time it made sense.  When I looked up anxiety tonight before I went to write this, I found this: Anxiety is a multisystem response to a perceived threat or danger. It reflects a combination of biochemical changes in the body, the patient's personal history and memory, and the social situation. As far as we know, anxiety is a uniquely human experience. https://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/anxiety.  ( I have to say though that I am not convinced it is uniquely human though, as I have seen a few dogs in my life who have displayed anixety! lol)

So what does one do with this feeling that overtakes us, makes us breathe fast, feel heavy chested, and sometimes makes us want to run?  I want to give the "Sunday school answer" here and say that we should take it to Jesus.  However I would be lying if I said up until 5 minutes ago, that I had given it to the LORD.  But I did stop, and do some breath prayer.  The words that came to me pray in the "breath prayer way" was :

(breathe in) BE STILL (breathe out) MY SOUL    (breathe in) BE STILL (breathe out) MY SOUL    (breathe in) BE STILL (breathe out) MY SOUL.   (breathe in) BE STILL (breathe out) MY SOUL 

I have also found since I have been walking daily since November 1 (my personal challenge to walk outside daily) (WOOHOO tooting my own horn here!!) But I have found that walking and let's face it - any exercise that gets your cardio up is SO HELPFUL for these feelings of anxiety.  I have told someone that I feel somedays like my body is saying thank you for walking <3    

Some other things that I have found IS reading Scripture, and/or recalling it. (I love doing that out loud) And praying which is just having that 1:1 converstaion with the LORD.  Oh how HE loves us coming to talk with Him.  I have found that sometimes we just get right into the conversation and tell him everything we want or need (even if it is on behalf of others) BUT I can not understate the importance of WORSHIP in our one on one with Jesus.

For me WORSHIP is one thing that dispels/chases away the feelings of despair, anxiety, overwhelming sense, sadness, gloom - you name it.  You can NOT worship with PRAISE music/songs without feeling the presence of the Almighty with you and the clouds of worry & anxiety lifting.  But worship in a time of anxiety is a very conscious and intentional choice.  There is nothing like music ... believe me.  We have a friend who often sends us a song to listen to.  I think he literally eats, sleeps, lives with music on, and we have over the years sat together and listened to songs with tears rollng silently down our cheeks (and that was BEFORE we entered our sixties!!)

This just reminded me of my granddaughter, my namesake <3  She struggles wtih some anxiety but oh my goodness she has grown so much and has faced a few of those fears head on.  But worship in song has been her thing to go to as well.  She is just 8, but I have listened to her sing Lauren Daigle's LOOK UP CHILD, and she has blessed this Granny's soul.  Maybe you want to listen for yourself.  https://youtu.be/N90b4O3B-kY

Anxiety looks different on each of us - and yet there are similarities.  The biggest one being that it feels terrible.  But in the midst of it all, let's remember that Jesus calmed the storm when his disciples were freaking out (well first they had to wake Jesus up!) and HE can calm the storm within us too!  Let's remember that He is with us, and call out to Him first when we are feeling crushed by the weight of anxiety.... and KNOW that you are not alone!  Sometimes it feels lonely though -  I feel that sometimes too.  But I also think the enemy uses that one against us causing us to doubt our faith in those dark hard times and also knowing that feeling alone means we may just retreat, or withdraw from people who can speak the truth to us and give us prayer support and encouragement.  The community around us - oh I can't say enought about community!!

Don't let the elephant crush the breath out of you. And hey, if you want to talk - drop me a message comment here, or D.M. me on facebook.  I would gladly pray with and for you. 

with love,

j

PS  Our church has been doing an 8 week video series called Wonderful Counsellor: the emotions of Jesus and my son is one of two people who are speaking each Sunday for the 8 weeks.  I am thankful for Josh and Dr. Jess speaking into Mental Health, and thankful for our church (Kilcona Park Alliance) that has dedicated this huge chunk of time to it.  I encourage you to watch - you can access them on the church youtube channel.  Take a look.  There is lots of info also given that you can access if you need. 

Here is the link if you want to watch the first one - and then go from there.

https://youtu.be/A0BMfYXkpnY

Silver threads (sounds better than cobwebs)

It happened today as I sat in my comfy chair by the window.  It has become my place to sit — pulled up to the desk close to the window.  Not having retreaters has freed up this space to become truly my own.  If it gets messy — thats okay.  If I want to sit here all day — that's okay too.  The other thing that I have here in this chair is my electric heating pad.  A combination of sciatic/hip and lower back pain made me a candidate a long time ago for hot bags and heating pads and to be honest, it has just become my comfort thing.  Guess it could be worse hey!

So I came here to sit down.  I laid my head back against the back of the chair and looked up and there it was like a glistening silver thread slightly waving with the air flow.  Yep a cobweb from my garland on the window up to the light.  Subtle but there.

Normally I would get up and take a swipe at it, but somehow today it doesn't seem to be a big issue for me. After all its just a little thin wisp of web.  Although I do realize that with every web comes some kind of spider lol.

Instead it made me think of a few things.  First of all, the fact that there are no people coming over, perhaps my cleaning has not been spot on.  After all it is hard to clean after the garlands and decorations are up.  Which leads me to the next question — why did I decorate?  I decorated a few days before our Code Red restrictions came into place.  I decorated thinking that maybe the only ones enjoying the decor of the season — would be Alvin and I.  Back to the spider web ...

It is connected — from the garland to the light above and the fact that it is thin and silvery makes it very easy to blend in with the creamy yellow walls, and the light from the spot light above it.  Yet it is there. Hidden for a while but now seen.

It made me realize how in life we carry around threads that connect us to things, or people, or places.  Some are severed when we pull away for whatever reason — broken relationships, relationships for a season, or long lost friendships.  And yet other threads remain attached over years of our life — to memories that wash over our hearts and minds.  Threads that gently tug our thought back to a time and place, to a sight or sound, and moves our memory back years upon years...  In these cases the threads have this kind of hold on us even though they seem delicate.  I have realized as I have gotten older, how some of the threads of my past tug at me and somehow now, as an older wiser version of my teenage self, I am able to understand things from a better vantage point.  And in the reflecting back we see where threads were severed prematurely, or for our best interest.  The silent sway of this cobweb reminds me of the subtle things in life where we may let our guard down and do something, or say something ... only to realize that the subtle thread was so capable of taking on a life of its own.  I am not sure about you, but I have actually come across places in the bush where the web has completely enveloped a section.  It was no longer subtle, but it was almost a thick weaving around something that the spider deemed worthy enough to encapsulate.  

It also made me think of how subtle sin is.  It can seem like something that is no big deal.  It may seem like something that we justify and all of a sudden it is just fine.  The little thread on my garland may never grow to be more than just that — one thread ... but in another place, the spider could have the time and space to make the thin thread into an another one, and a stronger one, and soon they would become more obvious.  And goodness me, no woman wants to have cobwebs blowing in the air flow of her house.

As subtle as sin sometimes is, I am fully aware that we can get numbed to it, or used to just seeing the little thread and thinking that it isn't affecting us - goodness I could take that with one finger and sweep it away...  But subtle sin is subtle for a reason.  It comes into our lives and doesn't alarms us.  Subtle sin doesn't seem like any kind of threat ...  until the spider spins it a little heavier, and weaves it around a few things or he goes into another area to spin a little bit more.  We don't notice.  Sure things may look a little dusty, but we promise we will take care of it with the big houseclean!  

My analogy on this day.  This kind of dreary day wherein I walked outside and thought of many things in my life.  As I walked, I was so aware of some feeling that had welled up inside of me mid morning and had taken on a life of their own it seemed.  As I walked, the tears were threatening to roll.  The idea of tears freezing on my cheeks kept them at bay while I walked and though ...

I realized that some subtle things creep easily into our lives.  We can very easily do things because of our own conviction, but become judgmental when someone else does not do or see things the same way. Worse yet, we can become angry as if it is "right" to feel that way.   Or we can take on a victim mentality when no one asked us to become the victim!!  Slowly and surely, the subtle thread weaves through our emotions, and our thoughts and we realize that what we feel is by no means subtle but so obvious that is shocks us to see it for ourselves.  The silver thread turned into an obvious spider web. It Criss crosses back and forth, and catching things in its web.  It no longer sways gently but has become a trap of sorts capturing the unknowing in its web. We take a swing and capture a bit of it, but then realize there is more woven through the fine needles and stems of the garland, and we work at getting it all down.

Funny, these thoughts made sense to me ten minutes ago, but as I look I feel like I have struggled to express what I am truly thinking ... so maybe I will just go and sweep that thin silver thread down before it become something more.

So sit back in your chair — plug in that electric heating pad, put your head back on your chair and check for your own silver threads blowing gently.  I hope you don't find any - but if you do, think of me.

a Thanksgiving Acrostic

 

Thankful for ...

a Thanksgiving Acrostic 

Time each day, with those I love 

Hugs from my family - that never gets old.  H could also stand for Husband - He is a Keeper!

All of life experience, the good, the bad, the ugly, the hard - it has all made me who I am today

New mercies every morning - Thank you LORD 

Kids (by birth) Joshua and Ashley, and their spouses, Leah and Michael.  Love these 4!

Story ~ God is writing mine!

Grandchildren ~ Jay (in Heaven), Everett, Roger, Matilda and Maverick.  My life is rich!!

Imagination! The sky is the limit and God gives some amazing ideas! 

Vacation memories from Cuba this past winter, 2 weeks with our kids - pre-Covid.

Impromptu fun - thankful for a couple friends that we enjoy impromptu outings and visits with

Nature that shows me the creativity of God around me!  He speaks to me through nature

God - because without Him, I would be nothing!  He is my Strength!

just a Friday afternoon confession

disclaimer:  I hesitate to write about this - it is personal and real - but I believe that maybe one person who may read this, may be touched knowing that her/his struggle is real - and other Christians struggle too.  I don't believe it is a lack of faith. I am not sure what exactly it is, but I hope that my sharing may impact you in some way.  

I have a feeling we have all been in a struggle at one time or another.  Or call it a wrestle.  Maybe that is a better way of putting it.  However, for me this wrestle is getting old, but none the less - a wrestle.  Because for some reason, I just can not let go, nor can I feel like I have won.  And maybe it isn't even something I can let go of, or win at.  Maybe this is just my life, and I need to acknowledge it - and let God move in it.  I always think that I am giving it to him - but then it seems like I have taken it back ~ over and over an over again. While I do not believe it is a lack of faith - maybe it is? What IS at the core of all this? Or  maybe it is just my enneagram type speaking LOL.

My wrestle is with self-worth. (and maybe this is tied up with self-esteem)  Yep, there it is - in black and white.  Joy wrestles with self-worth.  I don't just wrestle once in a while - it is a day in day out tangible awareness.

What is Self-Worth?  Well I looked it up and this is what I found:  Self-worth is an internal state of being that comes from self-understanding, self-love, and self-acceptance. It's a state that is somewhat timeless and unchanging because it's a direct measure of how you value and regard yourself in spite of what others may say or do.

How does that happen?  Is it something from growing up?  Is it something that has happened along my adult years?  Is it something that I have missed out on?   When did this become a wrestle? 

As a young child, I don't remember ever feeling like my self-worth was in jeopardy.  Maybe I experienced it a bit (that being my self-worth) as a young adult... but I remember still feeling pretty good about myself lol.   My adult years, as a wife, and a mom, and now a granny my wrestle with self-worth has been real!  Oh. So. Real.  Yes, I know  - YOU'D THINK I WOULD HAVE THIS FIGURED OUT .. but not at all.

Back in 2013 when I went back to Glen Eyrie Retreat and Conference Centre, for my attendance at NewWay Ministry Next Step (school of spiritual direction, part 2) I had an encounter with God, that literally had me come undone.  So many tears ... so many words to the Holy Spirit ... so many thoughts.  And let me share with you what I think was the "bottom line" on this encounter - the LORD said to me "you want women to come and encounter me, and see their worth in the eyes of the Living God, and yet you do not believe it for yourself."   Yep ... that is what He said.  And being God, you know that HE was accurate in his claim about me.   

Our ministry was full of that, of pointing women to the LORD for their worth, but I did not believe it for myself it seemed.  God met me as I turned the key into my room door that night, and completely brought me to this strong admittance.  And in my tears I came before Him acknowledging that this was my struggle.  

That was 7 years ago this November .  SEVEN YEARS.  I remember more of what Larry said when I shared in class.  He spoke specifically to us women.  He told us that "You have to go to the Father first - as His affirmation of you, and your self worth is ALL THAT MATTERS and IF  you get your self-worth affirmation from your work, or family, or from. your spouse - THAT is a bonus.  Dr. Crabb underscored for us that what we get from people is okay, but all we should really need is the Father's affirmation of us!

I knew this then ... and I know this now.  I know that I am a daughter of the most High, and that in this life, I need to live for HIM, and to get my worth from HIM.  But almost 7 years later, I gotta tell you, I am still struggling to believe it for myself.  What is that about?

Last week I had a sweet friend retreating here.  Our friendship began a year and a half ago when she came for a retreat - totally worn out by the demands in her life - but boy did I see God work in her.  It was amazing to host her again last week for a few days - and to be able to sit with her a couple times to hear what God was up to.  Again, I could hear myself telling her what I felt God needed me to say but it was in her sharing with me, that God used the words again to remind me - that oh He loved me so much, and I was so precious in His eyes, and so valued!  Later we texted and I thanked her and told her that what she said was "so timely" ...   love how God does that - uses her to speak into my life with exactly the reminders I needed to hear!! 

So I hear those reminders.  And I say YES LORD.  But then, I realize within a short time, that I am still caught in the wrestle. 

I realize that my self-worth is so intricately wrapped around body-image. Thing is, I have been told that I just need to love myself, but somehow I can not love myself "like this" (usually associated wtih # on a scale) I can not let go of that part of my self-worth because the thing is, I KNOW I want to live healthier, and I also know for me (diabetes in family history) that I feel better when I weigh less.  The thing also about my self-worth and body image is that I want to live longer for my family, and what I am doing borders at times on self destruction.  I hate to admit this, but yes, my weight is so tied to my self worth ...  working with the LORD on this part.  Because what I have found, as much as you can tell a person that their body image should not be tied into self-worth - it just is.  Speaking for myself anyhow. 

My self-worth is also so bound by lies that the enemy has me believing and I do believe it is the enemy/satan that is at the root of these.  Maybe you don't struggle with lies about yourself.  But I do.  Last night I laid in bed, Alvin's arm around me, darkness, and God was speaking to me in that quietness about these lies.  Believing I am not worth ....  believing I don't have things to offer ...  believing that I am not beautiful because of ...   Oh yes, those thoughts were all there in the quietness of the night.  He was bringing them to my attention.  There in the dark, the Father was showing me that they occupy my thought life, and become "truths" that are not at all true!!  ANd the most loving thing is that when the Father brings these to light - it exposes it and the verse from the gospel of John where Jesus tells his disciples that "the thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy ..." oh my goodness, I get it.  But refuting the lies of the enemy is not for the faint of heart!! 

My self worth (I want it to be) is about the last part of that verse ...  Jesus did not just tell them about the thief coming to kill steal and destroy and leave it there .... oh no - this is the best part!!  Jesus said, "but I have come to give life to the full!"  The exclamations are all mine!!  You see, whether or not the "thief" was the enemy satan, I like to think that this is what this verse means.  We are in the real world - none of us would deny that.  And I think that in this world we live in - there are many things that are stolen, or compromised, or destroyed - and for me, believing in these lies are like that because it robs me of the fullest life that Jesus says I can have because of him. 

I also love The Passion Translation and it says it like this:

John 10:9-10

I am the Gateway. To enter through me is to experience life, freedom, and satisfaction. A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter, and destroy. But I have come to give you everything in abundance, more than you expect —life in its fullness until you overflow!

So you may ask - Joy where are you going with this ... You don't like what the thief is doing - you acknowledge that you continue to wrestle with self-worth and with the lies that the enemy keeps using, and you know that you want to live the fullness of the life Jesus has for you!  So how are you going to give this struggle over to the LORD once and for all and really truly believe YOU ARE SO WORTH IT?  When can you surrender it all once and for all and move on with this? 

And in the quietness of this room, as I am writing this blog on my computer, I am hearing my LORD speak to me, so I am going to go about just typing what I am hearing Him say, and letting you in on our intimate conversation as it unfolds over the next half hour or so,  I don't always share my God-conversations, but today, at this time, as it seems okay for me to do this:

"Joy, it is not because of your looks, your talents or abilities....

Not because of your weight, or your gifts or your service...

It is not because of anything you do in ministry for me 

Or in service for others.

NO!!  

Joy, you are so worth it because before you were knit in your mother's womb, I knew you Daughter.  You were fearfully and wonderfully made, and I knew everything about you from before, and to now, and beyond.  I hear your words, your cries, and feel your pain.  I know that you have a hard time believeing it when other people tell you something.  I hear you answer, "ya, sure" to them, while inside feeling like what they just said is nice but that they are just saying that.  

Joy I know you are not sure where this comes from and sometimes that is the thing that causes you to stop in your tracks, as if knowing 'WHY" would make you feel different. Sometimes you wonder if other people struggle with self-worth as much, and how you can move past it and just believe who I am saying you are to me!  

I want you to know Daughter of mine, that I love you with a love beyond description.  Your value, and your worth can not be put into words, but the picture I want to give you child, is the picture of my son on the cross.  That is how much worth you have!!  My son died for you and rose again.  This is the love that we have for you because you are worth his death!  

I see you.  I can feel your resistance to let me take this once and for all, but Joy, you need to surrender these lies and let me bury them at the foot of the cross for you.  The cross where my Son paid for your sin.  Let me take that burden.

Come Daughter, give the struggle to me.  Lay it down and rest.  Then believe the truths I am about to tell you.  That you are precious in my sight, and that I call you by name.  That you are my Beloved.  That there is nothing that you can DO to earn your worth - I give it to you, because of my great love.  The truth that I am around you, before, behind, above, beneath - and hem you in.  You know, those are the verses you love to recite.  I have heard you doing that.  

Come Daughter.  Rest.  Listen.  Believe.  Recall.

You are more precious to me than gold or silver, rubies or diamonds.  Human words can not describe my words of love and worth for you.  So trust me on it Joy.  

Trust Me.

I love you Beloved.  Love yourself too!  And know that you are mine - completely mine.  I've got this - and lean into me for your assurance, affirmation and self-worth.

Joy, I love you.  I've got this."

So ... He has spoken.  

LORD GOD give me the strength to keep surrendering the lies satan wants to feed me, at the foot of the cross and to carry YOUR truth hidden in my heart, ready to speak out loud when those times come!  

Friend, if this was for YOU today - if that is why I was supposed to bare my soul, so that you could also be spoken to - then I am glad.   In HIM we have freedom - and so let us walk in that!!

written with love,

j

ps:  I came across this sketch - and it speaks to my heart - I don't know who the artist is, but it was on a blog by The Sabbath Recorder.  

Autumn Melancholy

 

Autumn Dances ...

The leaves blow in the wind

Dry ... Brown

Crunchy under my feet

Wind blown

And like a carpet covering the garden paths

A bit too early for my liking however

As if that matters as autumn does its thing no matter whether we want it or not

With the wind, the leaves disapear off the trees

And all of a sudden the brilliant color

Turns into greys and browns

The starkness of barren trees

Reminds me that the cold I feel on these mornings

Is just a little foretaste of what is to come 

That is is just going to get colder ... and colder

And the garden's flourishing summer green will be just a memory

As it is heading towards its long winters nap

And once the snow falls (hopefully not for a while yet)

But with the first snow covering the garden

We know that it is then that 

It feels like we can take a breath 

Geese are flying overhead

At times they are so high, and you know they are headed for the south

However we watch other geese flying

First of all south and then back north, in circles

(In patterns that seem to resemble the way my heart feels at times these days)

A bit haphazard

Scattered

Anxious

They know that the loud booms in the early morning ...

are gunshots

Reminding them that their life and death is a mere bullet shot away

If the hunter is successful in his shot

Do these geese flying in what looks like circles

actually know that their life is in danger

That they can be flying one moment

And then not?

I wonder …

The Blue Jays are at the feeders 

And these days I can not keep the peanuts on the plate

Sometimes they land on the feeder and their crest is standing up

As they dominate the peanut plate

I always smile as they come one after the other

It reminds me of sitting and watching the planes coming into the Chicago airport - 

one barely lands when you see the lights of the next, and the next and the next

This feathered line up of Jays

Lined up on the porch banister, 

Or Sitting in the eaves waiting

Usually patiently

Pickup and shake

Trying to get more than one into their beaks

Sometimes returning with the peanut only to drop it

And pic up another one

Sometimes they sit at the empty plate, facing the window

and do their cawing

Do they know they are my favorite bird, 

and that their call catches my attention and brings a smile to my face

(do they know that - when I go out and fill the plate, and call to them?)

Inside my warm house

I have rearranged some seating so that now

I have a favorite chair situated in the corner

and turned so that the view of the outside is before me

This is where I breathe deeply and exhale even deeper!

Sit

Rest

Talk with he Lord

Journal

Pray

Watch

Think

This has become my place to have my quiet time with my LORD.

This is where we talk.  

Father to Daughter

This is where I imagine crawling up on to His lap

and just laying my head on his chest, and feeling the beat of his heart for me.

He calls me Beloved

And I know how loved I am!

The sun shines in

And God reminds me with his creation

Of his goodness

And his mercy towards me

Mercies new and fresh every single morning

Sometimes I take that for granted

Sunsets are brilliant from this vantage point

Always different

And as the darkness comes and the stars and planets shine

Once again God shows off through his creation

I sit in this place

In this quiet corner

With Him

And in the quietness inside

And the beauty outside

He speaks and lets me know again and again

What an amazing Father He is.

In this place I come often

My heart sometimes feels a type of sadness

Which at times I can not quite put my finger on

And yet I know that this melancholy is okay for me

The “happy-sad-pensiveness” …

I sit aware of my fragile being

Physical - mental - emotional - spiritual

I sit knowing that HE, the creator, looks at me, his created and smiles

He knows me so well ..

He reminds me of my favourite psalm 139

That it doesn’t matter where I go - whether I sit, or stand, or lay down ..

He is there

My heart sighs as I think of the words “he hems me in”

And realize I am never ever outside of his arms.

The melancholy never gives me warning

And sometimes it covers me like a big wet quilt

And if I am honest, I sometimes wonder if the old “black dog” is back in my yard

But the thing that is different is that I recognize it quickly

And am able to sit and talk with the LORD about it

And the Holy Spirit helps to discern and to guide me through the melancholy

And I realize it isn’t always a bad thing

But it is real, and I believe helps me to be able to walk alongside of another

When needed

And it seems like lately, in the ministry I am involved in - God is using this in my life

To help me minister to others

These days especially it seems

that there are many people needing someone to sit with, someone to listen, 

someone who will care enough to pray for them...

And for that Holy Spirit, I am thankful for your presence, your wisdom and guidance

It seems that this season

Carries with it a type of melancholy that is characteristic of fall

Beauty along with ashes

Joy along with sorrow

Life along with death

So here I sit

In the cozy corner

Writing these words while being conscious of the birds at the feeder, 

The gentle sway of stark grey branches

The look of trees still with green foliage, as if tempting fall to come and change them

I sit warm and protected

Knowing that I am also loved, held close, and kept warm

By the embrace of the FATHER

Leaves continue to blow

Branches sway

Dead leaves swirl and gather into piles

Sparrows and nuthatches share the seed

Bluejays collect peanuts

(hopefully the mice are not foraging seed that is falling below the deck, and stuffing the vents in my car with it)

Music plays in the background

And my soul … thank you LORD ..

My soul 

It is well