~ Sunnyside ~

Yesterday was my spiritual retreat day - a day that we get to take, and spend in "retreat". Often I would book in a day at St.Ben's and retreat there. But today, I had a different plan in mind. I was going to head up to Sunnyside cemetary - to take some daisies to my little grandson's grave. Jay would have been 11 months today.

So, after making some coffee - I packed up my stuff and headed west. In my bag that I packed were my Bible, my journal, my camera, water and a mug of coffee, and the book THE SHACK.

I drove there. It is such a peaceful place - overlooking the city a ways off. Someone said you could see the whole city from Sunnyside. I think they're right.
Anyhow, got there, made two trips - the first to take the bouquet of daisies in the jar and put them by Jay's headstone. Leah has planted some daisies there too - and I brought some water to give them a drink. Then I went and got my lawnchair and other stuff, and sat down - to think, to journal, to pray, to just "be".

I also spent some time walking - looking at gravesites, trying to read dates on old gravestones. I realize that many people have lost their babies or children! Oh how many broken hearts are represented by those gravestones.

I sat there - thinking... actually I thought ALOT. Journalled. I seemed to focus on the words in Romans 8.

Romans 8:35 & 38-39 (New Living Translation)

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I realize that as I look back - through the hardest of days that I have ever in my life experienced - how much harder they would have been without God. There were times when I questioned God's faithfulness - and honestly, I still struggle with how we prayed daily for our little grandson, and all along God knew He was going to take him home... that will likely be my struggle for all my life - but I can still say that I have lived through enough with my God to know that He has been and is and will be faithful regardless of my questions or my not understanding his ways. Some things I just have to let be. My days are still hard - but somehow there is more "hope and joy" back in them.

However, nothing, NOTHING can separate me from God's love - nothing!
His love - where would I be without it.

The end of my time at Sunnyside was spent talking with a woman (my age) who had come to spend time at her husbands grave. Funny, there we were two strangers who all of a sudden felt like friends. We talked about who brought us there - found out we had some friends in common, shared how we were cared for, and what life feels like now. We cried together. We hugged, and at the end of my visit, I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to give her one of my lawn chairs that I carried in my trunk. So I did.
I walked away, as she sat down in her "new" blue lawnchair, with tears running down her cheeks. She was a gift from God yesterday. And perhaps she felt that our meeting was also a gift. We are to encourage one another aren't we. Even in our sorrow.

I came away from Sunnyside - with so many thoughts - some journalled, some expressed, some just there in my head and heart. My little grandson would have been 11 months yesterday. In my mind - I like to imagine our little Jay as a little boy that is running and dancing and chasing things, along with his great grandpa's and grandma. I think he would have a great combination of Josh and Leah's looks - I picture him looking like Josh, with Leah's curls and maybe her cute freckles. I imagine that he would have chased our cats, hugged our dog, picked flowers from the garden, and would have been hugging his mommy and daddy ( and his granny and poppa!) in between his little adventure trails.

I confess, it is still really hard to spend time with babies that are the age he would be - and to hear the adventures of other grandmothers. But that's something I have to work through - and I think it's normal ~ it is just still so hard. Each child I see that is the age Jay would have been is just a reminder of how much we have lost and miss. God knows..... only He knows.

There are some things though that I think I do know -

What do I know - I know that as much as we have loved - Jesus loves Jay even more.
As much as we weep - I believe He has and does weep with us.
As much as we have hurt - He has still loved us - and the Father totally knows what we have experienced, as he watched his son Jesus die for our sin.
I also know that nothing will ever separate me from HIS love - nothing.
Even when I didn't feel Him - He was there with his arms wrapped about us.

As it also says in scripture - "For his unfailing love toward those who fear himi is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west."

O what amazing love you have for us Jesus! May I continue to rest in you - to see you through time spent in your presence, through the words of scripture, through the whisper of your voice to my ears. I love you Lord. Thank you for loving me, even when the rawness of life caused me to question your presence and your power and your love in our lives. Thank you for somehow making beauty out of ashes... continue to breathe new life in our dry weary beings. May you continue to grow hope and joy in our hearts and Lord, please tell my little grandson, how much I love and miss him.