Wednesday, May 5

Brokenhearted Love!

It is a melancholy morning with the weather! Damp, Grey, and cold (in comparison with what we were experiencing last week). I just went outside to put in a new suet seed block for our birds, and already hear the calling of the jays! Kissed by God again!

The robins are enjoying this weather ~ as it helps in the worm finding! Our neighbors ducks were enjoying the high ditch on the other side of the road from where they actually should be. It was a funny sight, two big white ducks swimming around. (that was at 6:30 am when Alvin needed to be dropped off at Josh and Leah's so they could head out to work at the beach). I wondered how they got to the other side, and we figure they must have been swept through the culvert with the rushing water! Regardless, they were enjoying it!

Today is a lazy day... I have been procrastinating on a couple things (one being my run!) but will get there shortly! But I wanted to "quickly" check my emails (okay, honestly there is nothing quick about dial up even when you WANT to be quick!). And I get an automatic email from a website (Leah told me about Molly, shortly after our little Jay's birth)

This morning's email had the link to her post called brokenhearted-love-give-it-live-it and it was so good to read. It is quite something to read that other people who have experienced such broken-heartedness over loss of a child feel/experience things said/done that are similar to our experiences. There was a comfort, almost a healing salve when I read her blog. She is responding to people who are not the ones who have lost a child but want to know HOW TO RESPOND to those who have, and Molly says "Ask God to give you brokenhearted love".

Those of you who know me, know that we experienced some great hurt on top of the intense sorrow of losing our grandson Jay. When on top of what we felt, we were told that it was our "perception" of what happened, that hurt even more. And to cap it off, being told that we blamed others for our hurt and did not take any of the blame or responsibility ourselves, then that just added more hurt to our already shattered hearts. When I got the email telling me that we had totally blamed them but did not take any of the blame/ownership ourselves ~ I sat at my computer and wept. When the person came and stood in my office door ten minutes later, I asked "how, when walking through the loss of my grandson, was I supposed to take ownership or some of the blame? I don't get what you are talking about?" I didn't quite get what I was now in turn being told. I told him that we were just trying to survive, as that is what it felt like.... each day, new day, gotta get through this day.... I was hurt and tired of being told that what we were feeling was based on "our perception" and "our assumptions that were not met". At that point, I was just so heartbroken, and tired of it all that my response was to just keep giving it to God and ask for grace, and for forgiveness, and for change in my heart to see it all...

The thing that was I think the hardest and at the root of it all - was some of those involved were people who were my friends, and yet we realized that they didn't really hear me/know me like I thought. (again, my perception right? but it was MY EXPERIENCE). We realized, it is a reality that some people just do not get it. Especially if they have not encountered loss. I do have to say that I don't believe anyone truly meant to be hurtful, however that being said, if you know what you have done WAS hurtful, and say nothing... do nothing.... then that in itself is wrong.

Anyhow, I am so thankful for God's grace and mercy, and for the many walks in the back, and for the altar at which I laid down names and instances and hurt... but believe me it is hard to "not remember" when I see a face associated with the hurt. I remember walking and weeping and asking God "Lord, please change my heart toward them... please do a work in MY heart, do whatever you want in theirs, but in MINE Lord, help me to change" And praise God, He has. Now that being said, I am not looking to sit down for a tea party with them, but the "stuff" no longer rises to the surface and boils! That, was just not good. (I also thank God for Mary who walked with Alvin and I through this during our counselling sessions). We have learned a lot through it all. Unfortunately our kids were witness to some of it, and it bears some marks on them as well, which is both sad and unfortunate.
So - back to Molly Piper. She is responding to people who want to know how they can and should respond to those who have experienced loss, and broken hearts and her answer again, was "Ask God to give you brokenhearted love." WHOOSH... oh, did I just feel a fresh breeze blow by?

We will always live with our grief over losing our first born Grandson Jay Benjamin. We DAILY think about him/talk about him, we imagine what he would be like and what he would be doing. We imagine how he would be poking and prodding his little brother. We mourn what we will never experience with Jay here but can hardly wait to see him again, which brings such comfort! His pictures bring joy to our hearts.

We DAILY celebrate the life of our second little Grandson Everett, who is uniquely himself! We watch his expression, we hear his laugh, we hear his little squeals. We imagine what he will look like once he starts to stand, and then craw and walk. Poppa imagines what it will be like walking with his little hand in his... and having him ask "Poppa what's this .... poppa what's that?" I can hardly wait till his first little sleepover alone... or for him asking "Granny can I have a treat" (okay, I promised the kids that I would give carrots as treats!!)

We celebrate our TWO Grandsons. Yes, we celebrate differently, but we do celebrate!! We are thankful for those who continue to include Jay in our conversations - those who continue to ask about Everett. We are thankful for those who have made trips to Sunnyside and tell us. We are thankful for those who continue to check-in with us and ask how our hearts are doing... for those who are not surprised when tears flow from these Granny's eyes ... we thank you for not forgetting what we remember daily.

Alvin and I talked yesterday about how we have changed. God is taking our brokenness, and using it for His glory... He is redeeming the brokenness, we can feel that. He is picking up the broken pieces and putting them together. Will we ever be the same? No. Will we ever forget? Not in our lives! We will ever stop remembering and talking? Never. Will joy and sorrow co-exist all our lives? Yes... but He will somehow "make all things beautiful in His time" (there is a song like this).

I didn't actually mean to write all this, but Molly's post just brought it to the surface again, and well, I just had to write it out. (guess this is part of my healing, and you are in on it.)

One more thing.... today is May 5th. 14 years ago, we said good-bye to one of the most beautiful women we knew... my mom, Dolly Thomas (real name was Verna Mildred Elsie). After a week of being in the hospital, a week where we knew she was dying slowly day by day... we had the gift of being by her bedside when she breathed her last - slowly and without pain, and entered into the presence of the Almighty! My mom was 74. She was one of the most gentlest, grace-filled women of God. She was one of the greatest prayer warriors in my life! I felt too young to lose my mom (almost 38) little did I know a year and a half later, I would also lose my dad. My mom was a Proverbs 31 woman!! And I rise up today again, and call her Blessed!!

Lord - will you tell my Mom how much I miss her,
but also how comforted I am
that she is able to be with our little Grandson Jay - her GREAT Grandson.

Can you tell my mom how much I love her
and always will!
And one more thing Lord,
can you give her and Jay both a big hug today,
oh, and a kiss too... from me!

1 comment:

Melody said...

Thank you for always share your heart. I am inspired every time I read your posts. The greatest way to process grief for a loved one is to share it with those around you. I appreciate your honesty. Thanks again- Melody