Darkness is my closest Friend ..... musings at 3:30 am

I have tossed and turned in bed since I hopped in at 11 pm or so. A couple times I have thought of the prescription my Doctor gave me to fill a couple weeks ago....
She asked how I was sleeping. I said, that it wasn't good. So she said I needed a prescription for sleeping pills, because I had to be able to get some rest.

Seems sleep is not coming tonight. Perhaps I should fill it and take them. Although I have never been a fan of the pills, so most likely will just continue to toss and turn. It has been good thinking time I guess. And talking to God time -
but I just can't lay there any longer with my thoughts - and with my anxiety. There is lots of that these days. The feeling that washes over me usually a couple times a day.... a weird feeling, that involves my heart, makes it race, or sometimes it literally feels like I am on a ride, with that "falling inside" feeling. The weirdest thing is that on Sunday, Alvin was describing something very similar. We had not talked about it before. I guess because talking about it makes it feel real.

For the first hour, while I laid in bed, it seemed that was what I was experiencing. And then, the other thing lately, is this "wash" over me of intense, intense pain... that takes me right back to the hospital when I held Jay, and prayed that God would start his heart...
The wash of pain over me comes out of no where, but its increased intensity is something that can not be denied. Weird thing... Alvin was describing this the other day as we left Sunnyside cemetary. It always feels intense, but these "washes" are far more intense and so so real...

Sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy.... but I know I am not.

Tonight as I laid in bed, I kept thinking of the line "Darkness is my closest friend..." and I realize that within that line there is both truth and lies.... the reality is that if this is what a friend looks like, I want no part of it, and yet, it is my constant companion. Some day, God, will the darkness lift?

My doctor keeps telling me it is grief.
My counsellor Mary tells me the same thing.
My daily devotionals in my email inbox say the same.
Grief.....

While I am sitting here, I look outside, and everything is still - black - nothing is moving. Night is a lonely time. I remember when I used to get up with my babies at night and look out the window and feel like I was the only one awake in the middle of the night. What we wouldn't give to be the only ones awake, holding our little grandson...

I remember when I was so sick and in the hospital .... and nighttime was the hardest time... especially in March 06 - the time that I almost died....
I wonder about that alot. God, I am glad you spared me that day... so that I could walk through this time with my family.... although I wish you had not given this to us as our journey.

Today is the last day of the year. Dec. 31st. 2008.
Looking back, I see that there was incredible joy within this year...
In chronilogical order:
Began 2008 knowing that we were going to be grandparents
Josh's birthday
Our service trip to Thailand
Mike asks for Ashley's hand in marriage
Alvin's birthday
Ashley's "magic" birthday
Our family trip to Cuba
Ashley and Mike get engaged in Cuba
Leah's birthday
Our surprise party put on by our children - huge surprise - party to celebrate Alvin and I turning 50, becoming grandparents, celebrating our 30th anniversary and Ash and Mike's wedding.
My birthday
I made my first rag quilt especially for my grandson!
Our Grandson Jay was born...
Ashley and Michael get married.
Spending Christmas alone with our kids.

The Hardest things in 2008
Jay was born silently... our hopes were shattered.
Navigating through pain of such great loss
Figuring out how to care for our family as we grieve together, and at different layers...
Each Month as it ticks off...
Hearing/seeing new babies - only intensifies our loss. God, how do we figure out how to do this?
Christmas 2008

On the cusp of a new year.... O God, help me to remember the joy of this past year. It is so easily denied due to the pain and grief, and yet, in the year, there was joy that we experienced.

My friend gave me a little silver pin that says joy.... she gave it to me to "wear on my heart until joy returns in my heart." I know what would bring joy. I wait on God for restore that joy. Perhaps very soon. God, please bring joy...

A real faux paux.....

Today has been a good day. My kids just left a little while ago. My nephew and neice (in law) is in visiting from Calgary. I love having them over... they feel like close family even though we only see them a couple times a year. Mom K came out too. It was good to sit around the table, (unfortunately Alvin was at work) and to be able to laugh a couple times. It feels like we get a "breath" in once in a while... and a laugh does that.

While we sat in the tv room, I took the cards out of my bag to look through, and it was then that I realized that I did a huge mistake. Yesterday I blogged about how my young friend gave me the gift of a song. You know I read the card, and read her encouragement to either read the words now, or later, or whenever I can. I didn't unfold it all, I just put it back into the envelope for later. And, this is where the faux paux comes in....
I thought she had "given" me the song IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL.... and I knew I couldn't read it yet.
However today, I realize she "gave" me the song "BE STILL MY SOUL"...
Thought I should share those words with you too...


534. Be Still, My Soul
Text: Katharina von Schlegel, 1752; trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1855 (Ps. 46:10)
Music: Jean Sibelius, 1899; arr. from The Hymnal, 1933
Tune: FINLANDIA, Meter: 11 10.11 10.11 10
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to your God to order and provide;
in every change God faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
to guide the future, as in ages past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
the Christ who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow for forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.



Well, I am still not sure I can ponder these words too much... but God you know that. thank you for friends who speak into my life.
Be still my soul...

Is it well with my soul?

Today is Sunday. I spoke in church today - a hard sermon to deliver, not because of the content - but because of where I feel my heart is at. I am so glad that God understands all this!

After the service, I talked with a few friends, wept with some. And then one of my dear young friends came up and slipped me a card along with a hug...
Inside the card were words that blessed my soul. She had given me a "gift" for whenever I felt the time was right.... It was the words to the song, It is Well with my soul.

I have to be honest... I am not sure the time is right YET...
I have sung this song at funerals, and in church services. My daughter Ashley sang it at my father in law's funeral too, just a couple years ago.
The words are profound. The story behind the words is moving beyond belief!
And here I sit, the tune running through my mind, but I am not sure if the time is right... I am not sure I can say yet, that IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL...
Lord, please continue to carry me through this process.
None the less, as I said, the words are indeed profound and moving... here they are, may they bless your soul!


IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.


It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.


Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.


It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.


My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!


It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.


And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.


It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.



- Words by Horatio G. Spafford, 1873
- Music by Philip P. Bliss, 1876

The words to this hymn was written after two major traumas in Spafford's life. The first was the Great Chicago Fire of October 1871, which ruined him financially. Shortly after, while crossing the Atlantic, all four of Spafford's daughters died in a collision with another ship. Spafford's wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram: "SAVED ALONE." Several weeks later, as Spafford's own ship passed near the spot where his daughters died, he was inspired to write these words.


Bliss originally named the tune "Ville de Havre" after the ship on which Spafford's four girls perished, the SS Ville de Havre. Ironically, Bliss himself died in a tragic train wreck shortly after writing this music.

Crushed. Shattered. Pressed.

I remember a day or two after Jay's birth/death, we read together, the words found in 2 Corinthians chapter 4 - the words that I have often taken comfort in. The words about being fragile jars of clay...
vs 8 says... "we are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. we are perplexed, but not driven to despair. we are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may be seen in our bodies."

We also read that at Jay's sunrise service, when we laid his little body to rest.

Today, I will be honest... I am struggling. really, really struggling. As I write, I am weeping. I honestly feel crushed. I honestly feel despair. I honestly feel abandoned by God. I have been knocked down.... my kids, O God, they have been knocked down over and over and over again. How much more till we are destroyed?
When is the suffering enough? Only when we die? I thought we were showing your life in our bodies, before all this.... is this a test? If adversity draws people closer to you, then why O God, do I feel like you have cast us off and left us in a pile. And why God, don't you decide to allow adversity into the lives of those who are not walking close to you, so that you can draw them?

I am tired of hearing the pat answers.... that you will make things better in your time... that your timing O God, is perfect.... that you are making us stronger.....
I am so tired, and really God, I am scared. What if we feel so abandoned that we just walk away from it all? Is that not a concern for you God?

No, you know our end from our beginning don't you. You know, regardless of how we pray, you know how you will answer. And really right now God, I am tired. We don't know how much more we can take.... we just don't get it.

Our hearts are all in pieces. Josh and Leah, Ashley and Mike, Alvin and mine - a million little pieces, blown up and scattered, all over. And so far, I can't feel like you have brought any of the pieces together.

God, where are you. Why does it feel like insult is added to injury. Why does it feel like we only see your back. What do you want from us anyway?
I just don't get it. I feel pressed, shattered and crushed, and just plain numb.

As your word says, I do "look to the hills.... for help." But I can't see you.
God??
And yet, because my head knows that you have been faithful, I wait. I guess really, I have no other choice but waiting. O God, in your mercy.... speak.... act....show your power.... and perhaps show that you hear our little lonely prayers, spoken from quivering lips.
perhaps today...

David asked God to remember him.... so am I asking the same thing!

Outside the world is covered by a blanket of fresh snow. I am home today, and soon will be around a dining room table with my kids. It is quiet in the house. I have things to do, including a sermon to write for next Sunday. I have just taken some pain medication - I just worked out on the dance pad :) for half an hour. And I am in pain.

Last week God brought a couple scripture references to mind. I had looked up the one, but not till now did I look up the other, Psalm 28.
Oh David.... he has become my friend. It is David that had a heart after God's own. That is what God said, David didn't self-appoint! And sometimes, when you read David's story, you have to ask how his heart was after God's own... but other times, you understand, or at least I do.

Psalm 38 is subtitled: A Psalm of David, asking God to remember him.

Maybe I will be accused of pulling scripture out of context, but these are the verses that my heart resonated with:

Psalm 38
6) I am bent over and racked with pain
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
8) I am exhausted and completely crushed
My groans come from an anguished heart.
9) You know what I long for Lord,
you hear my every sigh.

15) For I am waiting for you O Lord,
You umust answer for me, O Lord my God.

21) Do not abandon me, O Lord,
Do not stand at a distance, my God.
22) Come quickly to help me,
O Lord my saviour.


O God.... you know what I long for Lord.... I am waiting for you, O Lord.
I identify with David, although he refers to sin that has caused this anquish of physical body and soul. I identify with the feeling of being crushed. I identify with the grief, the waiting, the feeling abandoned.

I identify with a body that physically feels like it can not take another step. I know that the physical catches up with the rest of you. I have experienced that before. My physical pain.... I don't often give "fibromyalgia" the credit for my pain, perhaps I just don't want to acknowledge it, I don't know. Perhaps it is because the doctors lump the unknown pain into the fibromyalgia diagnosis.
A few years ago, I met someone who was crushed with fibromyalgia. She had numerous hospital visits... her organs were shutting down... she was so very sick.
I thank God that I have never been that bad, but today, it dawned on me, that it is worse than it has been in years. And I have nothing else to blame it on but that - fibromyalgia. There has only been one other time in my life when it has been so bad that I had to stay home... and that was during the fall leading up to my resignation at the daycare. I know that stress adds to fibromyalgia. I also know that sitting around would be the first thing that I want to do, but the worst thing for me to do. It is a hard situation. Today, I feel slightly overwhelmed... like that's a secret. While my kids are okay or should I say have gotten used to my house with its dustbunnies!!.... I haven't. Every where I look there is work to be done... stuff to throw out, clean up. My house needs a good cleaning but the thought of it is overwhelming. My arms ache, my back aches so much that it feels like I have rusted up. My sleep does not come easy, as even laying in bed is a chore.

I have no doubt that the grief, the stress, has all caught up, and now, I am not sure what to do with it. Perhaps the pain medication will take off the edge so that I can do the daily stuff. Perhaps I can ask my young neighbor at the corner if he can load the wood stove while my husband is away. It just all seems big... and painful...
I need a warm climate for a little while. That always helps. For now I guess, I will just have to take the pain med, snuggle up to my heating pad, put on a Pachebal tape of the ocean, and dream.

God.... will you remember me? and my family? God, could you either take the physical pain, or give me strength to work through it. Sometimes Lord, I get scared from it. Lord God, you are healer, deliverer, Saviour. Please come to my rescue. O God, please remember me.

He's at it again!

Okay, time for a posting that is not real deep. It is late. I have already spent too much time sitting on the couch. I am in pain today, but somehow I don't think sitting around actually helps. Not sure if it is my fibromyalgia acting up, or what. All I know is everything is in pain...from my neck down to my feet. From my neck down to my hands... pain. It is as if the physical pain is catching up with the invisible emotional/mental pain. I should have exercised today. But I didn't. There are alot of things that I should have done, and they are still undone now, at 12:04 am....

But as I sit here, I can not help but watch the neighbor do his late night thing. He is pulling ueys (spelling??) with his little 4 wheeler with a blade on it. I am sure that he is not clearing snow. I am also thinking he likely is under the influence of something more than just a cup of coffee. He does weird things at weird hours. Somehow I always think we should expect more from a man with three children. Life was much different when my sister and brother-in-law lived there.

It is always interesting to see how long the craziness lasts... so far its been about 20 minutes. Thing is you can hear him too. It's not just a silent joy ride. And I am thinking the neighbors across from me can see his lights as well. And what about his wife and kids... or maybe he really doesn't care. Obviously he doesn't care about us either, but then, he made that obvious shortly after he moved in about 4 years ago.

Then, on the other side of us, through the bush a little, is the house that Alvin built for his dad... or helped to build. The other day I baked brownies and decided to go over and meet the new neighbors. It is the same scenario as next door, the house is occupied by the second set of owners since the first sale. Well, Alvin said he would go with me, and I am sure glad he did. That neighbor was loaded as well - offered us a beer which we declined. He was rather insistent about it. When we went, the house was just rattling - the music inside was so loud. Dogs were barking and he opened the door a crack to tell us he had to put away his two mean dogs and would be right there. Ok, really? I felt like taking my brownies and hopping in our truck. But no, we waited, and gave him the benefit of our doubt. So, the door opened. Dogs were sequestered to the garage. We came in, and thus began about a half hour of the most uncomfortable visit. We stayed standing, only because we really just wanted to leave.

He was drunk, and boisterous, and had a gun laying on the island in the kitchen, pointing straight at us. Apparently he had been out hunting, although got nothing. ok, rather a scary thought, a drunk with a gun. Then for whatever reason, he says, "I have to let the dogs in" and he goes and lets in two of the ugliest scariest dogs that I have ever seen. Umhum, I was scared. This intimidation tactic was working well for this old girl! In my head I was thinking that I was going to get bit! I was also thinking that I was so glad that Alvin came with me, and I was also wondering why I had wanted to do this.

Anyhow, after turning down a few brew, and making some uncomfortable smalltalk, and hearing some of the worst fowl language I have heard ever - we said we would have to go. Within that time period I heard so much bragging about what he had! I was so glad when we got in the truck, and ok, I know it is not very christianly, but I vowed I would never be back there again. I was just totally creeped out.

So, what am I trying to say? (yes, neighbor number one is still doing his thing outside on his four wheeler)...
I have realized that after living here for 25 years - it has changed. Everything has changed in our life - even our neighbors! Sometimes I think it will be easy to move - but then again, this old house is where we raised our kids. This old house is where we laugh till our sides hurt. This old house has entertained so many friends. This old house has heard alot of stories. This old house has also heard alot of weeping over the years - and especially of late. We are talking about moving from this old house, Lord-willing, be putting the house up for sale in the summer. Or at least that is what we think right now. The other day Leah said that she thought I would cry alot when I leave this house. I think she is right. In fact, sometimes I wonder why we would even consider it. The reason: family. Being a little closer to the city, would mean we would be a little closer to our kids, and as God grants, to our future grandchildren. This old house has been kind to us. It is the house that Alvin built. This really has been a part of our life - 25 out of 30 years of married life. Thank goodness that our neighbors (Mr. Spin Ueys and Mr. Hunt and Brag) are recent additions to the neighborhood.

God, give me grace!
Jesus said, Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus.... show me how because right now, I am not sure how to even relate to these guys. Give me grace. Please Jesus.

Bacon, Eggs, and Starbucks Coffee

Today my day began early, with a breakfast get together with a dear friend, twenty years my junior. As we sat together, I was again amazed at how God is at work in her life, but more than that, I was amazed at how she is so open to hearing God's voice and following Him. I love that about K. She sparkles with passion for Jesus. I sat there across from her feeling numb but knowing that I want to sparkle too! We spent time sitting there, in the little place that we have chosen the last few times that we got together. It was a good time, hearing where she was at, and she listened to where I was at. I think that is what amazes me so much... that she cares to listen, cares to get together when she comes into Winnipeg. I admire her far more than she knows. I heard her frustration. I heard her joys. I heard where she is at in life, and I think we both acknowledge that life can be messy even when we are walking with God! As one hour turned to two and then almost three, we wrapped up our time together by praying for one another. Right there at the table, with people eating breakfast around us, I felt like she lifted me to the throne of God. Hmmm.... did I get a glimpse of His face through her?

Later at the end of my day, I had a grande coffee at Starbucks, and sat across from T, who is also 20 years or so, my junior. T and I used to work together. He is a dear and loved friend of my husband and I. As I sat there, at the end of my day, I realized that again, I saw a glimpse of the face of God through T. Again we talked... he talked and I listened. I talked and he listened. We talked about ministry, about life, about dismay and hurts, about living on the edge in many ways. I am sure we looked like an odd mix - a young man and a middle aged woman (perhaps people thought he was out for coffee with his mom!) The thing is, it was another blessing. Sort of like a continuation of yesterday.... oh, and I forgot to mention the other blessing - my friend Char who amidst a full life with university, and four kids and a husband, made personalized ornaments for us, in honor of our grandson. She stopped by in the middle of the day... and gave me a big hug on her way out to go and visit my kids and give them their handmade ornament too.

I realize that I keep wanting to see/hear/experience God.... and while I still wait to see his power at work and to hear his voice... I have seen again and again through people in my life, that He is loving me through people like K, T and Char... like Judy and Cheryl from yesterday.... and many more. God, thank you for these friends who love me even when I am so painfully raw and open. It is so messy right now... and even though I feel like i am not feeling - today and yesterday, I felt loved!