Realizing that tears are (for me) part of intercession

Tonight, I have signed up for an after midnight shift for SOAR HEARTLAND that is happening as I write and will be wrapping up this weekend.  Our church has a big group of kids and leaders involved, and it is a privilege to be able to pray on their behalf over this week.

My heart is full of things that I have been praying for. Of course my prayers focus around my kids, and my grandkids, and yes, for Alvin and I as individuals, couple, parents, and grandparents - we need lots of prayer.  When my kids were little, the last thing that we did before they ran down the road to the waiting school bus, was to pray.  We have prayed in the car, in restaurants, in parking lots as we have said good-bye.  In airports, in our home, in their homes - around the table - at the front door - with one, with all of them - over them, over their kids.  I have prayed with them, for them, out loud, in silence - and often with tears.  Tears (I have come to see) are part and parcel of interceding for someone.

I have had the privilege to pray via email, and via Facebook chat, and via the phone, and via Skype.  You see, I don't think it matters to God how we pray.  Standing.  Sitting.  Driving.  Eyes wide open.  Eyes shut.  Kneeling.  Lying face down before Him.  Walking.  Phone.  Email.  Is there ever a right or a wrong way to come before God?

I have also been a part of a huge prayer chain.  In fact - the other day we were talking about the prayer chain, and our friend, who I call the "hub" of the prayer chain (he is the one that gets sent prayer requests and then sends them out literally around the world).  He was saying that he thinks the prayer chain actually had its beginning when we had called him in our brokenness over the silent birth of our little Jay.  Oh we were so carried by the prayers of God's people during that time - and often since.

I am not sleeping so well these days - not sure - maybe I really do have to switch to decaf coffee after all OR just stop drinking coffee after 8!! Anyhow, I often wake up and pray … allowing God to bring to mind the one that I need to intercede for at that time. And my heart is so full.  So very very full.
Life is hard isn't it.  It is hard with God - I just can't fathom life without Him.

Lately I have wept often as I have prayed.  Tears flow easily.  And I have just come to realize that I believe it goes with interceding - with bringing some one's needs to the throne room of God!  I also know that at times, I can hardly speak … and I am so thankful that the Word of God says that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us, with groaning when we can't pray.  I am also so glad that I do not have to go to another human being to confess, or to pray - as I can go straight to the Lord - He has made that possible.

My prayers these days have been for healing - petitioning for physical healing/miracles.  I know God is God, and He has a plan and a purpose, but I also know that He says to pray boldly, so I am.
I want to pray boldly.  I am still trying to understand how that works.  Do we sometimes wimp out when we pray by saying Lord I pray for healing, or Lord, I pray for this … and then almost as an afterthought tack on "if its your will".  Don't get me wrong - I believe wholeheartedly that we need to pray for God's will.  But sometimes I think we use it, almost like we have to "give" God and out so to speak.The other day in my morning QT I read from John 14 where Jesus said "And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father.  You may ask me for anything in my name and I will do it."    I am trying to figure this out in my own heart …. and in the meantime, I know from past experience - that God is God.  God is also good.  Sometimes we don't feel like He is hearing us - but He is still good.  So, I will (in the meantime) keep petitioning God - on behalf of those I know and love - those I love even though I don't know them - the young, the old - friends, acquaintances - you name it - I believe if God lays people on my heart - He is calling me to come boldly into his throne room with the prayers on their behalf.  I will keep petitioning God.  I will keep listening.  I will keep praying when I wake up at night, and when drive, and do my dishes, and walk on my treadmill.  And … along with the prayers … I will also continue to weep.

Lord, you say that you will do it, so that the Father is glorified.  So Lord, about little Ben, please heal him Jesus - I pray in your name - please heal him - cause a miracle - cause the tumour to shrink!  O Jesus - please, I am asking you.  I am also asking you for my friends marriage - and for my friends going through depression.  Lord, I am bringing before you - all the youth involved in Soar Heartland, and also for the leaders.  For all the decisions made this week - and the growth that has happened in the lives and hearts of each one - Lord, continue to draw them closer to you Jesus.  I also bring before you my friends husband. Lord please bring him to his knees, as it is only in that, that he will be able to look up and see his need for you Lord.  I pray for recovery of health for my friend, but that you would also continue to grow and nurture all that has happened in her being during this time of fatigue, and ill health.  Lord, you have shown yourself strong and mighty in her life.  I pray for my friend waiting to hear about her immigration status.  I pray for my grandkids to grow strong and healthy and happy but most of all for each of them to turn their hearts to you Jesus, once they are old enough to understand and make that decision.  I pray for my friend who is in the weeks following chemo and radiation - that you would be her strength and healer.  I pray for my friend who has lost a Father/Grandfather figure, and the pain that came with that.  I pray for my friend recovering from surgery.  I pray for safety for my men as they work on the jobs you have called them too.  I pray for the end to an affair that is causing destruction for my friend - Lord, bring that affair to an end - I pray O God - bring healing to that marriage. Give my friend strength as she stands in the gap for her marriage.  May she see her husband turn to you Jesus!!  I pray for our youth pastor who is going to be speaking to a great number of kids tomorrow.  I pray for my new friend who is struggling with so many autoimmune diseases that are playing havoc with her body.  I pray for women I know who are struggling with feeling unloved and not valued.  May each one feel how greatly you love them, and call them beautiful in your eyes.  Lord -  There is just so much … O God - bring comfort to my new friends who have lost their first Granddaughter, born beautiful but silently.  And for my friend who lost their son last summer, and today remember his birthday.  I also pray for my friends who are struggling with decisions that their children are making.  O Lord, God - there is just so very much in our lives - but I know God that you are bigger, stronger, and able to do miracles in each one of these lives!  You O God - you are the great I AM.  You are Healer - Deliverer - Refuge, Rock, Redeemer.  You O God - are righteous and just.  You are the great physician.  You also give wisdom to our physicians.  You Lord God are ALMIGHTY … Saviour - King.  You are GOD.  O Lord - hear my prayers.  May my tears be an offering to you - and may you be honoured and praised.  May each answer bring honour and glory to the Father!  I pray this in your most holy and precious name - Jesus.  I love you.  Amen.  At the name of Jesus …  whatever we ask in your name.  Jesus.

My Daughter - my sweet friend

I love you sweet Ashley!

My sweet daughter with my other sweet daughter!

I will never forget this photo taking day!!
3 months.

My baby is a mommy!

I love you Ashley - Happy Birthday!

Yesterday, March 23rd, 2014 was my baby girl's birthday!

Ashley Marie - this momma loves you more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow!!

Today we celebrated my second born - or as I sometimes still call her - my baby girl.
How can it be sweet One - that you were born 29 years ago - how can that be?
I hardly feel old enough to have a 29 year old (or a 32 year old)
Where does time go?
O my, where DOES it go?

We had birthday breakfast today - and then birthday cake after some hot tubbing
It works this way - with the boys self employed - actually all of us are self-employed and can make our own schedules, along with the boys WFD schedules.
Breakfast - pancakes, hash browns, bacon, sausages, fruit and eggs
Oh dear, scratch the eggs - I forgot to make them!
GO FIGURE I AM GETTING OLDER!!

Sweet Daughter - where did the time go -
I watch you and you are a mommy to our first granddaughter.
I watch you and see so much of myself - so much of dad.
You are a unique but sweet blend!

I think back to this time 29 years ago - you were sleeping in a little hospital bassinet, in my room.
The room I shared with 4 other women.
I remember feeling like God had given us the desire of our hearts.
We had prayed for a little girl, a sister for Josh.
And we only had a girl name picked out.  Although the second name was either going to be Marie or Nicole.
I love Ashley Marie.
So did Oma especially, since it sounded like her name, which was Maria.
I remember bringing you home - all the snow had melted the two days we were in the hospital.
The snow was gone and the ditches were full of water.
The first night you slept right through the night - and when we realized that, we went running into your room.
It was before the days of the baby monitor - and we were scared cause you hadn't made a peep.
You were a little blond hair munchkin.
We called you pumpkin.
Well - then Dad, who is famous for nicknames - added a few more sweet endearing nicknames.
Pump, Pumpkin, Pumpy, Ash, Ashes, …
but most of all you were my sweet little one, and man, my mom heart was so thrilled.
Josh loved you too.
Sure you guys fought a little - more so in  your teen years -
I remember the time you told him - "the two things I love, piano and singing, and you want me to stop!"
Oh sweet siblings.
You brought joy to my life with your twirling,
and your stubbornness
and your singing - oh,
you loved to sing!!
You and I spent many hours in the car - driving to Mennonite Children's choir practices, and performances.
You and I rode into the city alone, when Josh went to kindergarten.
You were the only one that wrote on the wall …
and well, you also stuck Sweet Tarts up your nose and got your brother in trouble.
You loved little animals
You loved your friends
You loved your grandparents
You loved your brother
You loved your teachers
You loved LIFE …
You grew up, and I watched as you cared for your friends
I watched as you got hurt by your friends once in a while
But the one thing I noticed was how forgiving you were.
You were quick to forgive
and seemingly quick to forget.
I love that about you.
You are an encourager - and have always encouraged me as your mom.
You have accomplished so much in life-
And you have also walked over a few hurdles.
You have shown me how to overcome things …
And I love that about you - how you continue to model to me a life of walking with Jesus!
You sweet daughter - are now grown up -
You are my daughter first - and sister - and sister-in-law,
You are now wife, mom and daughter-in-law, and sister-in-law.
I have to share you now - :)
I just want to say how much you mean to me -
Words can't describe it.
On this birthday - I wish you an amazing year ahead - beginning with moving into your brand new home which has been lovingly built.
I am so happy and proud of you both.
Sweet Daughter - Ashley Marie - I love you.
happy birthday!!
love mom
xo

PS  I love you MORE than 55555555555555555555 and always will.
Remember when you thought 5 was the biggest number!!

She would have been 92 today

Today is her birthday.  The sweetest woman in the world to me.
She would have been 92 today.
But I picture her in heaven, looking the most beautiful that I could ever imagine.
And somehow, in my picture, she doesn't look old.
My mom, oh how I miss her.
I wish she had seen the kids grow up, and fall in love and get married.
I wish she could have held the grandkids, although I know she has been spending time with Jay.
But the ones here - I wish she could see them growing up.

There are so many things that I remember about my mom.
I long to be like her.
She was just like no other woman I know.
Never said a bad thing about anyone.
She did not gossip.
She was kind, gentle and loving.
She packed parcels for families on the mission field
And took meals to those who needed one.
Even when her eyesight failed her, she still wrote notes, using a black felt pen so that she could see her words.

So often, I have wanted to talk with my mom.
To get her feedback on something.
To hear her tell me that things would be okay
To hear her pray for me
Or better still, to come upon her, as she was quietly spending time with God.
Those were sacred and holy moments.

She taught me alot about life
She used to fix her hair and put on a bit of blush and lipstick before my dad got home from work.
She used to have this way of giving her anxious and worrisome moments to God
She showed me how to be a mom, but also how to be a wife who stood by her man
She taught me alot about trusting God for everything.

My mom - oh how I miss her.
Today, as I met with God this morning, I asked him if he would just let my mom know how much I missed her, and love her.
I know we will be together again.
I also know that she is not longer in pain with her diabetes caused issues.
She no longer has a foot that needs to be healed
She no longer has to give herself three needles a day
She no longer sees only shadows, but sees clearly.
How she must have loved to see the face of her Lord whom she loved and served.
My mom.
The kids Granny.
My grandkids Great Granny.
It has been almost 18 years
it feels like forever
it feels like yesterday
how does that work?

Happy birthday Mom.
I love you
I miss you
I will see you again
I hope you have had an amazing birthday in heaven.
You are forever in my heart!

love your daughter,
Joy

He has removed the Scarlett Letter and I am HIS

Today I was sitting in front of the fireplace once again, having my QT with the Lord.  I was reading and meditating on the following Scripture.

This Scripture has always intrigued me.

John 8:1-11

New International Version (NIV)

8 1 but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.

2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
11 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

I have always wondered what exactly it was Jesus was writing in the dirt.  It doesn't say that anywhere.  But when He was being pushed to prove something, the Leaders of the day were really trying to trick him it says.  They come with a woman.  And they challenge Him to say what should be done with her.  Seriously - what were they thinking?
And Jesus bends down and writes something in the earth.  They were obviously not prepared for what He was going to say.  But they push him on it.  I can just picture it.  For some reason, I knew as I was thinking about this story recorded in Scripture - that I needed to write my thoughts from "her" perspective.  I have never been an adulterous woman - at least not in this way - not in the adulterous way with men.  I thank God for my husband.  However have I been untrue to my Lord and Saviour at times when I have allowed other things to push him out of the number One place in my life?  Have I allowed other things (hmmm… perhaps my struggle with food?) become another "lover" in my life?
All of a sudden I am wondering how often I have been untrue to Jesus - the true lover of my soul?
Maybe that is why I felt like I needed to write from her perspective?  I think God is bringing something to the surface in my soul, and I am thankful.  Here are my thoughts.

He Removed the Scarlett Letter and I am HIS

I stood there, after being pushed roughly before this man
The one that is called Jesus
Just another man?
But NO
He teaches and his words cause fear and anger in these men
These "leaders" so to speak
They ones who are so "holy"
so justified in their condemning actions
Their hands gripped so tightly around my arm
leaving fingerprint marks when they let me go.
Bruises were already showing on my arms, and no doubt my face
I
just
stood
there.

scared
wide-eyed
dirty  - both outside and inside
coming to a halt at the feet of this man Jesus
was a relief.

I heard their words of condemnation
"Jesus - she is an adulterous woman
What do you say should happen with her?"
I did not have a visible scarlett A on my chest -
And yet the invisible scarlett letter burned a brand deep into my being.
Perhaps being stoned to death
would
end
the
pain,
the jeers and sneers
and obscene comments.
Bring on the stones!
May it be a swift end.

But Jesus ~
he didn't speak.
Instead he bent over
and wrote in the dirt.
What IS he doing?
Just get it over with Jesus
please ...
announce my sentence!

The men gripped the stones so tightly
their knuckles were white.
Women stared me down
making me feel dirtier
cheaper
and lower than the mud itself
that Jesus continued to write in.

"Jesus, what do you say?"
Their question lingered ~
there was a sense of something happening in the unseen world.
I held my breath
not wanting to miss the words from the Teacher.
And then he stood up and turned to them
And with a strong voice he told them ~
Encouraged them actually
"If you are without sin, then throw the first stone"
These were not the words I expected to hear.
But the reaction to them literally took my breath away.

All around me
there
was
silence.
THICK SILENCE that fell.
And then, one at a time
I heard the stones falling,
but they weren't being thrown at me.
They were dropping to the ground from palms that were opened.

I looked at Jesus
He was stooped down
His index finger writing in the mud again
I don't know what he was writing
But he gave it his whole attention
as if oblivious to the crowd around him

I watched
The old men left first
silently
retreating
out of sight.
And then the young men followed suit.
Women stood and watched their leaders backing down
Normally outspoken, the women now said nothing
but walked away with bowed heads.
I couldn't believe it
I had a feeling of unbelief wash over my body
dusty
bruised
tattered and torn…
and yet something inside me felt alive
more alive than I have ever felt before.

All of a sudden - it was just me.
Me and the Man who saved my life
Me
and Jesus.
He straightened up and looked at me.
Not like men normally looked at me.
No - Jesus looked at me with the most gentle gaze I have ever experienced.
His eyes looked right into my soul
and instead of feeling dirty ~
I felt freedom.
I
can't
explain it.

He spoke to me with such love
and asked me "where are your accusers?"
I could barely get it out
but with all a voice that was quivering, I spoke up
looking him in his eyes
I told him they were all gone.
Noone condemned me.

And then I heard the words that brought healing to my being - complete healing
He ~ my LORD, said "Neither do I condemn  you."
What?
Jesus did I hear correctly?
You don't condemn me?
O but LORD, you should!
I should have the scarlett letter.
I should be stoned.
I am guilty of being unfaithful
of being untrue
I wish it was not true
BUT
IT
IS.

"Neither do I condemn you.
Go now and leave your life of sin!"

He has given me life.
My Jesus ~ my LORD.
exposed but forgiven
a clean slate
a
NEW
LIFE.

Forgive me
help me to walk
Redeemed
Forgiven
Washed Clean
NEW

And in the eyes of the ONLY ONE that counts in my life
I
AM
a NEW CREATION

I
AM
BEAUTIFUL!

He has removed the scarlett letter and ...
I
AM
HIS!

This Granny is doing it … baby steps - one day at a time (with God's help)

I struggle a lot with my weight.  It makes me feel awful.  It has robbed me of great joy.  I remember once when I was down on myself, my daughter told me to stop calling myself a loser.  That was an eye opener - and a wake up call.  It also made me very sad.  Years have passed since then.  My struggle is still my struggle and I figure it always will be in one form or another.  Lets face it - we all have our stuff.  Some of us just "wear" it more visibly.   My weight has been one of those things - and over and over again, especially in the last few years, I have seen how my spiritual health is strongly connected to the other parts of me - mental, BIG TIME emotional connection, and HUGE physical connection.  It is all intertwined in this hard to explain way.  Until I realized as I was reading a devotional … (not like it was a new thought, but it just struck me new) that God made me this way - he made me to be intertwined in all areas of my whole being.  He made me to be dependent on HIM but I have taken that, and instead depended on whatever was close enough to eat in times of stress, or sadness, or depression … you name it, I ate my way through it.  I have come a long way - although it is only in the past six months that I think it is finally sinking in and "clicking" in my being.  SO I am on a journey here too - or still - I know some of you who know me will say, "ya, one more thing Joy"  "I will believe it when I see it"  or "we will give you a few months and it will be back to the same old."  I guess by putting it out there as a POST … I am making myself at risk for all those things to be said, IF I regress - but well, part of the whole thing is being vulnerable and admitting that this IS a struggle.  EMOTIONAL EATING is a real thing for me - and for many.  And I want it to stop.  I want to change.  I want to get healthy.  I want to cut my risks.  I want to most of all - be able to run and play for many years, Lord willing, with my grandchildren.   I don't want to be an old lady before my time!  SO … I am moving ahead - one day at a time - with God as my strength - and with friends who are there for me as cheerleaders AND also some as accountability partners (you know who you guys are).    I am onto it - and this time, O Lord - help me to get healthy and stay there!!  I know with God's help - this Granny is doing it - perhaps just baby steps, but one day at a time!!

 I wrote more about what I am doing - but that is a different post, on a different blog, if you really want to read it.    www.thisgrannycan.blogspot.ca

My ONE WORD for 2014: ABANDON

“I have one desire now - to live a life of reckless abandon for the Lord, putting all my energy and strength into it.” 

― Elisabeth Elliot, Through Gates of Splendor

A couple weeks ago, at care group, we watched a DVD.  The website is called www.myoneword.org
and it is about choosing ONE WORD for your life.  The instructions are this:

• determine the kind of person you want to become by the end of the year - you must drive deep into your soul.  What about the condition of your heart?  Who is the person that God has created you to be?
• identify characteristics of that person - get a picture and simply identify major characterists.  What are the qualities?
• list the characteristics and then pick a word.  Commit to it.
• pick a verse to go with your word (this was added, I am not sure it is on the website as a point to do, but it was part of our homework)

So last Saturday night, I got to writing in my journal - and thinking about my "one word" for my life - for the woman that I want to be by the end of the year - only by the grace of God I might add - because without HIM, I can be nothing!!

Here is what I wrote, and what I am choosing to share with you.  

I want to become a woman who lives fully for Jesus - embracing all that he has for me!! I want to become more deliberate in my faith, and more intentional in my being Jesus hands and feet to others.  I want to fall in love more and more with Jesus - getting to know the lover of my soul in an intimate way - and to fall madly in love with the Lord.  I want to live fully and embrace life fully - to "go big or go home"

What is the picture of a woman like that?  She would be content in her demeanour, loving, fun and passionate.  She would be kind in words and actions, a teacher of the truth, inviting, with an exuberant faith.  She would have an obvious love for Jesus, and would live all out and fully, with a wild abandonment to the ONE love of her soul - Jesus Christ.  She would embrace life, and would not live with complacency or status quo, but would be willing and open to what God is calling her too.  She would perhaps feel a timidity but at the same time live with adventure even when God's way for her is not clearly seen.  She would be ruined for the ordinary, and would live hopefully so that the devil knows he has no foothold in any part of her life!  She would live  with abandon to self and given fully and totally abandoned to Jesus Christ!

Words to describe: LOVING ~  FUN ~  DELIBERATE ~  INTENTIONAL ~  INTIMATE ~  MADLY IN LOVE ~ CONTENT BUT NOT COMPLACENT ~ EMBRACING LIFE ~ TEACHER ~ INVITING ~ ADVENTURE ~ RUINED FOR ORDINARY ~ ABANDON

I WANT THIS TO BE ME!!!  

MY ONE WORD:  ABANDON

Abandon means:  to give up completely (course of action, practice or way of thinking)  synonym: relinquish; complete lack of inhibition or restraint, synonym: uninhibitedness, recklessness, wildness, lack of inhibition.

Verses to live by, on my way to becoming a woman that lives a life of total abandon to Jesus:

Mark 8:34-37

The Message (MSG)

34-37 Calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?

or from NIV translation: 

Mark 8:34-35

New International Version (NIV)

The Way of the Cross

34 Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 35 For whoever wants to save their life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.

O Lord - help me to become a woman of total abandon from self and to total abandon to you Jesus!!  ONLY YOU.  Grow me - so that I live a life true to the motto:  "Go big or go home"  and one day Lord, the best is yet to come - and I want to GO BIG for YOU - right until you call me home!!  Amen.

so let my words be few

This morning I am just delighting in the love of my Lord.  Can't explain it, but I just feel it.  His closeness.  His presence.  His love.

I have been thinking of that a lot lately - about HIS love for me.  WOW.  It is quite something.  But often I don't think I even grasp a tad of it!  It is just that big.  Sometimes in my own moods (yep, ask my husband, I have them!!) I sometimes just try carrying on and don't give the Lord the time and position in my life.  I just sometimes do thing in my own strength.  (relate to this?)

But this morning, as I have retreaters here, I am unable to sit in the pews at our church.  But down in our suite, I had a SWEET time with HIM.  Like I said - words can not express it.  And sometimes, that is okay ... but it made me think of a song which can!