BE

Just BE. Yesterday when we got home, we ate at Grace Cafe with our kids, except for Michael who was working. Anyhow, when I got back into my car, there was a gift from my kids especially for me, and for me now that I am on my leave. It is two beautiful mugs from Starbucks. And the Steve Bell new CD "DEVOTION" which I have wanted to buy and haven't yet. (now I don't have to :)) but the thing that was soooo cool was that the mugs were wrapped with a ribbon, and on the ribbon was a tag. Ash told me that they bought it especially becausee of what the words were on the tag. They said: sip - talk - write - read - eat - listen - and then, in red print was the word "be"....

I totally "get" that word - the phrase "just be" - and I will always associate it with the time I heard God's voice loud and clear like He was right in front of me, and He said "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD!"

I get what it means to "be" - that was something that I learned from my deep depression many years ago. I think there is a big difference between being a couch potato and "being" although in both cases, you may find me on the couch!

Since Jay died, my counsellor asked me if I had time to just step away from things and just be. I knew that I had too. Somehow, church life didn't allow for me to step back until now. Somehow I don't think people around me understood why I needed to step back, and why I needed to just "be" - and perhaps some even thought that I needed a "plan" for my time away... which is why in the end, I took it as an unpaid leave vs. a sabbatical which I had hoped for.

I needed to just "be" - and that includes (for me) taking lots of time to just sit in God's presence, to listen, to meditate on Him, to sit and be embraced and loved by the Almighty. I want to just spend time being... with no plan - with no agenda - other than to be available to hear the voice of God should He choose to speak.

So, it is with great peace - Alvin and I believe strongly that this leave is exactly what God wants me to do... Today was the end of "paid" ministry as I go on a leave - and I am so excited about having time to spend unhindered, with God. I am also wanting to just be, so that I can spend time sitting with our grief, so that I can process the pain, and begin to walk ahead.

SIP: my new coffee mugs (as well as the one Ellen gave me for my leave as well) will be put to great use. I love sitting with a good strong cup of coffee. Now I have the time to sip and be...

TALK: it will be interesting to see who remains in touch with us, being that we are also taking time away from our church, and checking out some other places of worship. Already it has become pretty obvious just exactly who is wanting to stay connected, and who isn't, and really, that's okay. We thank God for those who dare to continue to step into our space, and ask us how we are doing. It makes it easy for us to stay connected. We thank God for family and friends who we can talk honestly, openly and transparently with.

WRITE: well, this year, I was excited to begin using my new journal - bought from Heidy with Forever Remember. It is beautifully hand crafted, with a cover made from Bison leather, and it ties.... it is much more elaborate than any other journal I have ever used, and it is a true gift to myself. As well, I write in this blog. Whether one person reads it, or hundreds of people, or no one... this blog is a way for me to express myself, and some of my thoughts somewhere outside of my personal journal. I hope somehow God will use this blog to His honor and glory.

EAT: well, I am trying to eat less... and eat healthier - make better choices. I also want to EAT/feed on the Word of God more... only He can satisfy my hunger.

LISTEN: sometimes I talk too much.... often we would leave caregroup, and look at one another and say, "shoot, we talked too much again!" I want to listen more - to my family, to my friends, to my husband and kids, to GOD....O Lord, unplug my ears and help me to hear your voice, your shout, your small whisper... whatever you need to use. Help me to Listen AND obey!! "He who has ears, let him hear!"

BE: ahhhh Be.... this is like exhaling after holding my breath for the past six months... just be.... this has a sweet sound to it.... BE.....

Lord, thank you for my kids, for their love, support and prayers on my behalf, and for their encouragement to walk into this leave with great expectation and to allow myself to just "be". I don't know what I would do without such amazing kids and husband. I am blessed. Lord God, thank you...