Thursday, April 30
The house is silent. It is mid afternoon. My husband is upstairs sleeping - still trying to recover from surgery. It has taken him down.... flat out.... you would never ever catch him sleeping on a sunny afternoon any other time. He has been in pain, and discomfort. More than he expected I think.... and his body needs this quiet down time to heal.
God knows all that - what we need to heal. Healing - in so many ways - physical, emotional, spiritual -- healing of our bodies and our hearts. O God, how I need that healing.
I realize that the time is ticking down to my return. This past month has not been at all what I expected. And while it is okay - it is just that in some ways, all of a sudden, I feel a little robbed. Still alot to do - wow, that's a loaded statement. I realize there is alot to do still in my journey of grief. Am I okay? Am I better? These are questions we get, all from well meaning people, many of whom have not had to experience grief. And while I hope that no one ever has to experience grief so deep and dark... the reality is, people around me will grieve. Loss of family, friends, health, jobs, financial security - and on and on - all types of grief. My best friend just told me this morning about a young woman who just had a baby also born silently. Oh, my heart broke. O God, NO - I just felt like I wanted to reach out and hug her, and hug the grandmothers - O God...
I have gone to Sunnyside three times in the last almost week. His little headstone is now in place. The kids picked it up, and took it there on the 9 month anniversary of Jay's death. It would be very easy to rant and rave again - really God? No couple their age should ever have to design and pay for a headstone to be made for their son! It is beautiful, but it makes it even more real, and it almost feels like the scab that has begun to form over the wound, is ripped off again. I wonder if it will ever not be surreal? Today I took Alvin. The pround poppa he is - and yet I know that his feelings are likely the same as mine. I have never seen a grown man weep so many tears. The thing is, while I was at Sunnyside yesterday, I saw something beautiful - and while today, I noticed that there were a few more around - the biggest area of crocuses is just west of where our little Jay is buried.
Yesterday, I took pictures of them. They are fuzzy looking, and for the most part, just trying to peek through, and closed. A couple of them were slightly open. I knew that the land at Sunnyside produces beautiful wild flowers - I didn't realize how beautiful and timely these crocuses would be for me. I have to say, the way my heart has been this week - a mix of emotions - these beautiful flowers were a KISS from my Heavenly Father.
As I said, the time is ticking down to my return. As of today, there are four more sleeps. This week has been full, and fast drawing to a close. I have been doing alot ALOT of reflection and inward soul-searching this week it seems. My emotions feel all over the place. I have felt occassion when I knew that Satan was using thoughts to create doubt and fear - but I know God is far bigger and powerful. Satan can create the doubt but God conquers Satan. I have to keep remembering that.
I realized I had not journalled for a while, so I sat down a little while ago. As I began to write ~ God gave a reference to me, which I looked up. Again, it was for me - today. Again, I am not going to comment on it. I will just share it with you, and hope that in some way, it will also speak into your life. This is taken from www.biblegateway.com
Psalm 143 (New Living Translation)
A psalm of David.
1 Hear my prayer, O Lord;
listen to my plea!
Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
2 Don’t put your servant on trial,
for no one is innocent before you.
3 My enemy has chased me.
He has knocked me to the ground
and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
4 I am losing all hope;
I am paralyzed with fear.
5 I remember the days of old.
I ponder all your great works
and think about what you have done.
6 I lift my hands to you in prayer.
I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
7 Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
for my depression deepens.
Don’t turn away from me,
or I will die.
8 Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
I run to you to hide me.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing.
11 For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
12 In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
and destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
at 3:08 PM