Wednesday, April 1

working through the "hurt"

Life is a journey.
Each dip in the road.
Each mountain we face
Each valley we walk through
The Sun in our face, the wind in our hair -
Sometimes leaning so far forward, trying to walk in the storm.
It is all part of the journey.
We can choose to walk forward, or stay put.
Sometimes we are whipped backward so fast that we don't know what hit us.
Sometimes we have no strength to put one foot in front of the next, and depend on HIS strong arms to carry us.

Today is April 1st. I have just started into the 3rd month of my leave. I am trying not to do a mental countdown of my return to work. Somehow though, it continues to tick subconsciously.

I realize that I still have some "work" to do. Which reminds me I need to make another appointment with my dear friend Mary, our counsellor. God has given her to me, as a gift - someone who has helped to bring perspective on things. Even though, as one friend put it, "she only sees one side" (that being my side)

I have work to do "inside" between now and my return, and honestly, I am not sure quite how to do it. It involves "hurt" - deep hurt. I realize that I am blogging publically about something very private. My family and closest of friends know what I am talking about.

I keep asking God, how do I do this. I guess the pat Christian answer would be "just forgive". I can honestly say I love those who hurt me - I just don't know how to get past the feeling of hurt.

I am doing the Beth Moore study on ESTHER, and I just finished the last study in week four, and it hit home. Perhaps this is one of the things Karis said she thought of me when she heard this. Beth Moore writes:
"The situation becomes even more complicated when you sense that the very person who helped your life to fall apart wonders why you can't get it together. There's nothing quite like someone who hurt you judging you for being hurt." Aw, it felt like an "aha" moment - a realization. But deep down, I know they "get it" (my feeling of being hurt)

I don't know how to do it. Or perhaps I do... "just forgive"
Perhaps I think that it all just "onesided" ... (another Beth Moore quote from today was "One of the hardest facts of life to accept is that some people are not sorry for the anguish they have caused.") ***sigh***
Perhaps I think that possibly the one(s) who caused the hurt would perhaps feel that they were sorry. Or, as Mary said, "Joy, if they didn't get it then, they won't get it now... some people just do not have it in them"
Perhaps he/she are just oblivious, although I don't think so.
Perhaps working through how I was hurt, would seem like they understood or cared, and sometimes that may be pushing one out of a comfort zone, or perhaps felt as a weakness.
Perhaps those who I felt hurt by, just don't get it. So maybe I just need to "just forgive" and suck it up, and pretend like nothing ever happened.
And that, is my dilemma.... because I think I could pretend, but I don't necessarily think that pretending is a good thing, nor a good option.

So, if you are reading this, and you are some of those closest to me who know what I am talking about... please pray for me, that I can "just forgive" if the solution is just that...
Please pray that I can show grace.
Please pray that there will be other ways that I experience love, acceptance, caring and support that will outweigh and ease the hurt.
I know that I can carry on - and ultimately I can return to work, and do the ministry God has called me to do, but I also know, being "human" that this will always be a part of my life, unless some miracle happens.

The first day of the last month
thoughts too numerous to mention crowd out my mind
My return to work
My return in many ways into a world that I have stepped out of for a time
My return into the world where I will come face to face with those who
whether oblivious, or aware of,
have caused great hurt.

Stepping back into life - into the real world so to speak.
A world where I need to live fully and authentically still, and much more in the public eye.
I really don't want to step back in to that world,
With thoughts, and hurts that put up walls, or barriers
God - what do I do,
God, how do I do it.
God, do I perhaps not want to just let go?

The first day of the month
A fresh start again
A grateful heart
That You God - speak into my life
You whisper
You shout
You also just speak as a Father to his child.
And I want to be obedient

but not too deep or painful for you God.

In your mercy
In your wisdom
In your great love -
Give me the grace that I need
to work through
to overcome
to forgive

O Lord, hear my prayer. O Lord, have mercy.

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