Monday, August 9

late night deleted blogthoughts and early morning heart thoughts

Last night, before I went to bed, I typed some of my thoughts on a blog post. Just before I posted it - I touched something (my friend Meggie would be shaking her head and laughing and saying "only Joy..." ) and I lost the whole post SO I just went to bed with the thoughts rattling around my head.

A quick recap:
I realized that last week was a very VERY (did I say very?) emotionally full and hard week. I was trying to make sense of all the emotions (some of which I actually wrote here on my blog) and the week also included that trip to the Laundromat where I took the time out - to journal. Yes, I journalled, and thought...
First of all, I want to just say something. I did not HAVE to go to the laundromat because my kids, Leah and Josh had told me that I could use their washer/dryer anytime HOWEVER I needed to just do a little drive and think, and the two hours at the laundromat was that thinking time. Later, I will admit, I felt like I didn't take my kids up on their graciousness and perhaps that was wrong of me... especially when I had the offers...and I will from now on (until mine is hooked up). But as I said to them, I just needed to do that - to take the concentrated time while it did the loads all at the same time, and just step out and think.

There was a lot of thinking done last week. And some crying. And more thinking. And talking. And more thinking... it was a full week.

Last night, as I thought and wrote - I posted (or was going to post, as I deleted it somehow) that I realize much of my struggle boiled down to the fact that I NEED to spend time with the Lord every day - at the beginning of the day (I find this the most wonderful time) because it is only through HIS strength that I can do what I have to. Usually when I am in tears, at my wit's end so to speak, it means that I have missed my QT and have tried to wing it on my own and well - it just doesn't seem to work!..

I also realized last night that I have to begin to PRAISE regardless of how I feel. There is the beautiful song that Jer and Meagan put to Jay's CD... what a reminder ... I will praise you Lord, My God....even in my brokenness I will praise you Lord. Wanting to praise when I feel down is NOT my default button... actually my personality tends to want to withdraw and not say a thing to anyone and try to work through it without burdening anyone. Usually doesn't work well ~ especially since I am a little too transparent for my own good.

I went to bed feeling that I need to get back into the habit of early morning rising, early morning QT with my Lord, and beginning to PRAISE Him more - yes, even when I don't feel like it!

So, I went to bed without posting, but having those thoughts on my heart as I fell asleep. When I woke up this morning - God ran a Scripture reference across my heart. And well - when I looked it up - well, what can I say - it is my favorite scripture (even though I always forget the Psalm # for it!) I love the verses that I will put in BOLD.

Psalm 40
A David Psalm

1-3 I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch,
pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
to make sure I wouldn't slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song,
a praise-song to our God.
More and more people are seeing this:
they enter the mystery,
abandoning themselves to God.

4-5 Blessed are you who give yourselves over to God,
turn your backs on the world's "sure thing,"
ignore what the world worships;
The world's a huge stockpile
of God-wonders and God-thoughts.
Nothing and no one
comes close to you!
I start talking about you, telling what I know,
and quickly run out of words.
Neither numbers nor words
account for you.

6 Doing something for you, bringing something to you—
that's not what you're after.
Being religious, acting pious—
that's not what you're asking for.
You've opened my ears
so I can listen.

7-8 So I answered, "I'm coming.
I read in your letter what you wrote about me,
And I'm coming to the party
you're throwing for me."
That's when God's Word entered my life,
became part of my very being.

9-10 I've preached you to the whole congregation,
I've kept back nothing, God—you know that.
I didn't keep the news of your ways
a secret, didn't keep it to myself.
I told it all, how dependable you are, how thorough.
I didn't hold back pieces of love and truth
For myself alone. I told it all,
let the congregation know the whole story.

11-12 Now God, don't hold out on me,
don't hold back your passion.
Your love and truth
are all that keeps me together.
When troubles ganged up on me,
a mob of sins past counting,
I was so swamped by guilt
I couldn't see my way clear.
More guilt in my heart than hair on my head,
so heavy the guilt that my heart gave out.

13-15 Soften up, God, and intervene;
hurry and get me some help,
So those who are trying to kidnap my soul
will be embarrassed and lose face,
So anyone who gets a kick out of making me miserable
will be heckled and disgraced,
So those who pray for my ruin
will be booed and jeered without mercy.

16-17 But all who are hunting for you—
oh, let them sing and be happy.
Let those who know what you're all about
tell the world you're great and not quitting.
And me? I'm a mess. I'm nothing and have nothing:
make something of me.
You can do it; you've got what it takes—
but God, don't put it off.

The Message (MSG)
Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson

God uses His Word to us again and again to affirm and encourage! Thank you Lord for this reminder - to sing - to praise - to stay in close relationship with you!

I have made some decisions - that I need to get back to getting up early and meeting with the Lord in Quiet Time (QT) at the beginning of the day! That I need to meditate on his WORD. That I need to PRAISE HIM even when I don't feel like it. Honestly - imagine what would have happened if HE had not "felt like" going to the cross for us... that is WAY WAY bigger to think of than just "choosing to praise"... and He went for me - for you - for US. That in itself is the biggest thing to PRAISE THE LORD for...

O Lord - thank you.

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