Re-commit to taking care of my "temple"

It is no secret, that for years, I have struggled with the stronghold of weight. In fact "struggle" doesn't describe it. I have often "given" it to God, only to take it back - why do I think I can do a better job? Is that why we continue to take things back? Gotta wonder.

I realize over and over again, that HE wants the best for me. He also wants the best for my body, which is the "temple" of the HOLY SPIRIT. So often, I just don't put the two things together, and continue to struggle.... SO...
I have decided to re-commit. Actually, after seeing some pictures from Thanksgiving, that was the "encouragement" that I needed. I know my kids always tell me that I am way more critical of myself than I need to/ or should be.
However, pictures don't lie do they?

So, I have decided to get back onto eating in a balanced way - actually it (FirstLine Therapy plan) is suggested to me by a naturapathic doctor, who sent me to an amazing nurse Flori, who also happens to be a believer!! BONUS!!
She has seen me through the great loss of my little Grandson Jay... and has been an encouragement. But, I need to make the decision... but it is only with God's strength and totally submitting it all to him... surrendering...
I just know that this weight thing has kept me in bondage of its own kind, and sometimes it feels like a spiritual battle, and I think it is.
It is about being broken... about surrendering....

Yesterday, I was reading about being broken, and from Psalm 51 (hope I get that one right) where it talks about God wanting "a broken heart and a contrite spirit" and I just know that I am such a broken vessel, and this is the last piece that needs to be shattered for JESUS!!

So Lord, help me to live for you... to surrender and die to self - in all areas of my life, including this big one!! Holy Spirit, keep me focused. Help me to live fully and to go to God for all things, and not to get into emotional pain and run to food. This is my prayer. I know that Scripture says that with you God, I can "scale a mountain". So, please Lord, help me to claim victory because of your power and strength in my life. May you ultimately get the glory. Amen

Give thanks to the Lord for He is Good...His love endures forever!

Here I sit at the end of Thanksgiving Day.... and it has been a good day, or should I say days, with our kids at the cottage. It is the first time we have been at the cottage this late in the season. We don't use it in the winter, mainly because it was not intended for winter use, they shut the water off this weekend on the main line, and well, it would just be COLD and impossible. Some things just are easier with running water.
Anyhow, back to this weekend. After church obligations yesterday, Alvin and I headed out to the cottage, and once we got there, put our new pellet stove to the big test. To warm up the cottage before the kids got there. Josh and Leah came for supper, and Ashley and Mike got home from a wedding in Toronto, and then drove out, so that they could wake up at the cottage!! This was the first time they slept at the cottage in the same bed! :) (their room was the only room without a baseboard heater in it, and well, as Alvin said, they would have to snuggle, and being newlyweds, we didn't think this was something they would have to be told to do! )

Anyhow, we celebrated with a turkey dinner, in a small way, with my sister and brother in law. Normally a big event for our families (extended) this year, we just needed to spend it more low key. It was good to be there with our kids. The only thing that would have completed our ideal thanksgiving, would have been to have our little Jay with us. In the midst of the day, without saying much, I knew that we were all thinking that Jay would have really changed our day in such an amazing way.
And again, sorrow was mixed in, and my heart was so sad...
We said grace before the meal, actually Josh did.
This weekend, I was remeinded again of GRATITUDE - the virture we are teaching the kids at church. And, I have been thinking alot of their memory verse, which is the title of today's blog. And, I need to give thanks to the Lord, for he is good - his love endures forever.
Sometimes it is hard to be thankful.... I know that first hand.
Sometimes it is hard to sing praise.... I have felt that, and yet, when I have chosen to praise you God, my heart is lifted!

So today, before I go to bed.... and join my husband who hit the sack about an hour ago, just as I was getting my second wind... I have decided that today, I am going to take this time to list what I am thankful for.
So God, thank you....
1) for your son Jesus who died for my sin. I am forgiven!
2) for my husband, who has loved me since we were 16. He keeps making me laugh! I love him too. Thank you God.
3) for my kids ..... Josh and Leah, Ashley and Michael. God, I am sooooo blessed as a mom.
4) for my firstborn grandson Jay Benjamin, who taught me more about life in the short time we had him. Thank you Jay for teaching me about love, and about caring, and thank you God, for making me a Granny!

Thank you God for...
5) future babies.... need I say more. Thank you God in advance.... God, hear our prayer.
6) for friends and extended family. So many. For my close ones who call almost daily.... what a gift.
7) for our jobs. Lord, help us not to take them for granted. Thank you for the opportunities to serve you through our jobs.
8) music... which soothes my soul
9) for quiet times - thank you for speaking to me Lord!
10) for life!! God thank you, and help me to live it to the fullest....

God, we are thankful, because in the midst of all the sorrow, we still know that you are GOD. May you hear our prayers, and answer. O Lord, great is your faithfulness. Help us to trust you with all things.... with ALL things. Lord, thank you for the miracles!

Blessed by my friend "L"

I've thought alot lately about the time my husband and I (and a team from our church) spent in Thailand, visiting and working alongside of some missionaries that our church helps to support.
And tonight, I have just come home from a wonderful evening spent with our team that went out and did some mission work in Thailand, with an amazing team there. My heart is overflowing with so many thoughts on the greatness of God. This week has been amazing too, as I spent time with L. (my friend who is part of the team serving in Thailand).... we spent time at a little Mexican restaurant. I talked and she listened. I listened and she talked. It was so good, and I came away so blessed, much more than my friend L. will ever know I am sure. She has walked through some similar grief, and God knew that He would use her as a healing salve to my broken heart. I thank God for the time we were able to spend together talking!

I don't quite know how to explain it, this connection that we have, and I feel. Kind of like a kindred spirit. When I was in Thailand, and we were able to spend time over breakfast just before we left, that was the first time I felt life breathed into my situation. Already then, I knew I was learning from L. how to pray boldly before the throne of God. And at that time, I wasn't even having an inkling that my life would become so hard. I remember that day though, as I shared that I felt that God was doing something in my soul, in my heart and life... and there at the top of that little Thai restaurant, my friend L. prayed for me. Only God knew what this year would hold. I came back with a new wind in my sail....and a confidence that God had placed there, as a result of our conversation and prayer together.

This past week, as we talked for a few hours, and then as we prayed together, I could not help but thank God again for the way He puts friends into our life. I have learned alot from L. - alot about depending on God... a lot about letting the Holy Spirit lead, direct and fill your life. I have also learned alot about faith... and expecting great things, or as I have said for the past few weeks... having faith and expecting miracles.

We shared some tears together. I wish I had talked less and listened more. I loved hearing how God moves in such unexpected and surprising ways, and I came away from our time together wanting more of God and His surprises along the way.
Then, within a couple days, I got copied on an email from someone else within this same ministry team in Thailand. There before me, in print, was stories of God at work AGAIN in a mighty, mighty way - of signs and wonders. Of people coming to Christ, of people being healed... of miracles. And I just have to say again, God you are amazing!!

So tonight we all spent time again, our team together, listening, and then praying. Praying for God to do amazing things. Thanking him for what He is going to do with L. and her husband, and for their family and the team. I am still trying to figure it out, why we don't see more miracles - is it because we just don't think God will do them? I know you can LORD....
I want more of you Jesus. I want to see you lifted up - in my home, my community, my family. I want to fall hopelessly in love with you, and experience your extravagent love wash over me! Jesus, you are going to do something amazing. I just have this sense. And, when you do, may it bring you ALL the honor and glory, because it is ALL about YOU JESUS!! ALL about YOU!!

To God be the Glory!! amen.

Beginning to breathe again.....

It is absolutely quiet - except for the quiet hum of my clothes dryer. I can look outside and see the flag on our flagpole gently blowing in the wind. I love this feeling right now. And all that I can think of is that I am finally being able to breathe again. Funny how life does that to us. The eleven weeks have been a flurry of emotion, and exhaustion, as well as the depts of great sorrow to great excitement and often, if you can imagine, a combination of both extremes. Tossed in there, in the whole mix, is university. This past week, my thoughts were "Joy, what were you thinking when you signed up to begin taking courses!!" And, to think that originally I was thinking that I would take two courses to begin with. I had to ask myself if I was crazy?!

I think the reason I realize how quiet these moments are right now, is because I am just finally able to relax, even a little bit. While I was basking in the moment on Monday when I got my quiz back with an A on it... at the same time I was swetting/fretting as I had to have an essay done for Friday at 4:30.
My week was so full just with work stuff, I would start, but think I still had time. You have to know (if you don't know this already) that I "fly by the seat of my pants" at the best of times... really, I KNOW that I can get things done in limited time, but this essay was really REALLY putting me to the test, and I was hating it! So, armed with way more books than I needed from the library, I began, taking into consideration the tips that my girls gave to me. And what the heck was the CHICAGO STYLE of essay writing.... I had so much to learn in so little time!

Well, one day led to another, one night meeting to another, and finally at 11:30 or somewhere around there, I got home from a meeting, and got to work. I warned my husband that he may wake up with me not being in bed, but not to worry. I made myself a strong pot of coffee and got to work at the dining room table....
(thus the picture to celebrate the beginning of the essay in written form...) Well, a few cups of coffee later, I could hear my husband get up and look over the banister down into where I was and ask if I was almost done. To which I replied, "almost". Well, I got into bed about 5 am, knowing that I would get my daughter Ash to help me with the footnotes, etc.
She did, and I printed it off complete, on Thursday night. Then yesterday, I dropped it off in the hands of Professor Zerbe, and he actually looked like he was waiting for it. Perhaps, since I am obviously the oldest in the class, was he actually wondering if I would get it done? Or maybe I was the only one that he was waiting for. Regardless, he had a smile, and I had a smile.... and I began to BREATHE!!

Maybe I am crazy.... and yet, amidst the deep sorrow of grief over my grandson, and the deep joy of Ashley and Michael's wedding - I am finding that university is exhilerating!! And each class, each assignment, I am closer to that degree that I will graduate with about 7 years from now. And, I am learning in the process!
God, thank you for your Word, but mostly for your tangible presence during each moment of my life. I think you must also smie with me during these times.... and I know that you continue to be my strength!

Hearing HIM

The other day, I was journalling. A devotional had inspired much thinking around hearing God's voice. And in my journal I wrote "God, how do I hear/follow the quiet whisper (of your voice) when the roar from the sidelines is so great?" Right now I am struggling with that - with trying to silence that roar from around me - to get the time to just be with God.

I love the bible verses that talk about when the LORD appears to Elijah. I Kings 19: 9 an on....there is Elijah, standing on the mountain waiting for the Lord to pass by. A wind came, or actually it sounds like an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the quake. Then a fire came, and the Lord was not in the fire. But then there came a gentle whisper...

I love how God speaks. To this day, I get goosebumps when I remember on that early early morning, when I heard God speak so audibly that my tears stopped and my eyes flew open expecting to see HIM standing right in front of me. While I have never heard him speak so loudly since, I have heard him speak often. I love that about my FATHER!! He loves to talk to us! But I am sure I am missing alot of the conversation because often, I come to him babbling, and don't always stop to listen.

I also know that when God speaks, we need to listen. I have experienced that often. And I know that obedience is always the best thing!! I also know that often we need to wait on him. I don't find that as easy to do. Waiting is never easy.

Right now, that is where I am at. I am trying to shut out the distractions from the outside - the too full schedules, all well and good, but too full. I am trying to shut out the distractions that may come from well meaning people - I have come to realize that I am not all things to all people, and don't have to even try to be - even in the capacity that I work in, in ministry. Only God is all things to all people. Sometimes I feel pulled in a million ways. I am asking God to help me work through that too. There have been times lately when I know that I just need "to be" but don't take the time. I am looking forward to Wednesday, as it is a planned SPIRITUAL RETREAT day... me and God. Looking forward to it.

Listening to God means that I have to be in His presence and in a position to listen. I need to clear junk out of my head and most of all, my heart. It also means walking with boldness - sometimes not knowing but trusting.
I realize that right now I am in a position of listening...and being bold...and waiting...and trusting: on my behalf, as well as in interceding for my family.
It is interesting, a few weeks before my grandson's birth and death, I had been sharing with someone how when you have experienced God, and his power, might and faithfulness - that it makes it easy to trust him on things, and easier to take steps of faith. That was just before Jay was born. And then man alive, did I strugggle.... with the why? with whether God was faithful or not. I struggled with the part that I said, that it was easy to trust him. I realize that loving Jesus, since I gave my heart to him at the age of 7 - never ever have I had to struggle so hard to trust with my whole heart! But, regardless, I DO. because I know He is true and faithful and that He is going to do something amazing! I am having faith and expecting miracles. Thank you Jesus in advance for what you are going to do in my life, and in the lives of my family!

Psalm 89 selected verses NIV translation:
"I will sing of the Lord's great love forever. With my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself.
For who in the skies above can compare with the Lord? Who is like the Lord among the heavenly beings. O Lord God Almighty, who is like you? You are mighty, O Lord, and your faithfulness surrounds you."

Withdrawing a while....

Today is a new day. I love that about God. He continues to give me new days. No matter how badly I mess up, or how much I neglect Him, or whatever, He continues to give me a fresh start each new morning. I am reminded of that each time I turn off my driveway onto Springfield Road (picture above) .... the road that has soaked up many of my tears, and has had many prayers prayed as I kicked up the gravel. Hmmm just realize I haven't seen any of the little yellow and brown fuzzy caterpillars lately when I walked. (those were/are one of the kisses God has given me, but that is fodder for another blog entry.)

That being said, today being a new day and all - I am realizing that I am feeling a little bit like I am in a pit again. Funny how that happens. Life seems to be a mixture of downs and ups - of valleys and mountains. It feels like lately though, without the brief mountain top experience that we just had celebrating Ash and Mike's wedding - if feels like I am in a valley again.

Yesterday at university, we had a guest professor speak to us on the Psalms. It was like a balm to my soul. He talked about "the dark night of the soul" that the psalmist must have experienced at times. I think I have too. And while I don't necessarily feel like I am still there, in that dark night, it just feels like I have been down in the valley a long time. My doctor doesn't think it is depression. She thinks it is all just the whole grief thing. I would agree. Needless to say, it just feels awful.

I have come to realize that my precious times are when I can just curl up on the lap of the FATHER, and rest, or talk, or just think and often to cry. I do that alot.
Cry. I read something today that mentioned that in order to grow in grace, we must spend a lot of time in quiet solitude. Hmmmm I must be growing :)
All I know is, my soul is ready for a miracle - it is ready for a few splashes of joy - it is ready to breathe again. And then the next moment, it is feeling lonely and desolate and torn. Guess that is how we grow. God, help me to grow through this all. Not bitter - that really could be too easy. Not cynical - that could be easy too. Certainly not judgmental - just because I am going through something so deep doesn't mean everyone is, nor does it mean they should understand, or even care. Help me to just let some things go....

God, help me to grow - to take what I am learning and care more deeply for those who are hurting. Help me to be the one to give the first hug, or wipe a tear that is rolling off a cheek. help me to be there for the one who finds it hard to put thoughts into words. Help me God to care deeply, as you have taught me to care through my own deep pain. Help me not to judge or get angry or cynical. Forgive me for those times that seemed to come without warning.

God, in this desert, help me to grow. To take off my sandals and acknowlege you as the great I AM. Help me to be able to just "be" -
Andrew Bonar said, "It is in the desert that the dw is freshest and the air is most pure." O Lord, help me to breathe. Help me to breathe!!

Come with me by yourselves and rest awhile,
I know you're weary of the stress and throng
Wipe from your brow the sweat and dust of toil,
And in My quiet strength again be strong.

Come now aside from all the world holds dear
For fellowship the world has never known
Alone with Me, and with My Fatehr here,
with Me and with My Father, not alone.

Come, tell Me all that you have said and done,
Your victories and failures, hopes and fears
I kow how hardened hearts are wooed and won
My choicest wreaths are always wet with tears.

Come now and rest; the journey is too great,
And you will faint beside the way and sink;
The bread of life is here for you to eat,
And here for you the wine of love to drink.

Then from fellowship with your Lord return,
And work till daylight softens into even
Those brief hours are not lost in which you learn
More of your Master and His rest in Heaven.

from Streams in the Desert, L.B. Cowman, October 2 devotional

A new month - only God knows what it holds!

Today, as I sat down at my dining room table with a huge cup of coffee (Mountain Bean beans that were ground here at home... ummm :) I realized as I put the date on my journal pages, that today, TODAY is October 1st. Interesting thing is, I had to start a new journal today. I think it is volume number 6. Hmmmm

Anyhow, I had a nice QT with God this morning - I love that! The Father and I. I needed that again this morning. God knows I needed to experience HIM. As part of my quiet time, I was directed to Psalm 53. Directed because it seemed God laid it on my heart, so I turned there.

There were a couple verses that spoke to me, or should I say, caused a response. One of them was vs 2, that said that "God looks down from heaven on the sons of men, to see if there are any who understand - any who see God." and then vs 6 "Oh that salvation for Israel would come out of Zion! When God restores the fortunes of his people, let Jacob rejoice and Israel be glad."

The thing that seemed to impress on me, and forgive me if I am taking it totally out of context, but, I just couldn't help but think that "Father, please restore the fortunes" whatever that really means for me, and my husband and our kids.
Makes me think of what we would consider a fortune. Today, I asked the Lord that this journal would be one of joy! Time will tell. I have also thought that part of the restoring of fortunes, would include some of the miracles that I am also petitioning God for. Still struggling with that - the petitioning part. I have realized that asking God is the easy part. Believing He can do miracles is also easy. For me, the hard part is praying without trying to "coerce" God - I realize that isn't what I am doing, but I am trying to figure out how to pray with boldness and then just live in trust!

Anyhow, back to the fortune part - or restoring fortune - in Psalm 53 it talks about "when" God does it - and this is what I am believing - and WHEN He does the miracles - it will bring HIM the glory and the honor that only God is so worthy of.

Have faith - expect miracles. God, to you goes all the praise and glory, and thanks for all you are going to do! I love you Jesus.