My Dad.

It's been eleven years, although sometimes it feels like yesterday
A day that seemed like all the others, but a day that ended in deep sorrow and disbelief.
Eleven years ago, God took Dad home...
And I was left an orphan.
As I look back, I realize what a gift my father was to me. An amazing man who held a huge place in my heart
My dad. And he loved me so much. I had no doubt about that.
That day, we said good bye to dad, although he was already gone.
Absent from the body, but present with the Lord.
I learned a lot from my dad. More than I ever knew until I got older, and had to do things on my own.
How many times have I wished that he was still here, so that I could run something buy him.
How many times have I wished that I could stop by and get a hug.
Eleven years is a long time, and yet, but a blink in Dad's lifetime with the Lord.
And now, I realize that Dad would have welcomed little Jay, and I love to think of how they are running together.
Lord, thank you for my father, a man of God.
Thank you for the prayers he spoke on my behalf, and fot eh way he raised me, and modeled a life after Jesus.
For my father, I say thank you Lord.
On this anniversary of his death, I ask you to continue to give many warm memories of my father, my friend.
Lord, thank you for my dad

"You will never be the same again..."

"You will never be the same again. Your kids will never be the same again. You have all changed." These words were spoken to my husband and I by our christian counsellor Mary. I have come to love Mary and see how she is such a gift to us. Truly, a gift. In our last visit with Mary, she mentioned those words to us. I told her that just that day, as I was driving back to my work place, I was wondering if I looked different to staff, if it appeared like I was different, because I knew I was. So, as we sat in Mary's living room, and heard these words as part of our counselling session... it was a very true and real affirmation of something we knew in our hearts was true. We would never be the same again. We had changed. All of us.

My husband and I have also spent time talking about this, and exactly some of the ways we felt we had changed. My daughter (Leah) and I went to see a movie, and as we were walking out Leah talked about how seeing that type of ending, would have made her cry before, but now it was different. We have changed.

Since this is my blog, I will share how I have changed. While I don't think I ever took the life of my grandson "for granted" - perhaps I did. But, I will definitley walk through the future pregnancies in our family in the same way. While I prayed daily - I will pray "differently". While I smiled and loved the tumbling movements of the Jay as he developed inside of Leah, in the future, I will cherish those sommersaults even more! I will wake up each morning, and thank God for the breath of a new day. As I walk, it seems the smell of fall is more obvious, as creation dies and goes into a winter hibernation with the promise of new life in Spring. I will touch my animals more, thankful for the attention that they beg of me, and the excitement that my dog Orea greets me with when he knows I am going for a walk. As I relax in my house, I will thank God for the abilities of my husband, who not only built the home we live in, but maintains it (and my car, and the jobs I need done at my workplace, and... ) I will look for the opportunities to give a cup of coffee to the person in the drivethru behind me. I will thank God for the blessings that he has given to us, which allow us to bless the one who begs on the corner by the lights, or the one who passes me with his hands out, when I walk down the streets of downtown. I will continue to pray with more fervor, with more expectation, with more thanksgiving. I will look for the moments when I can just crawl onto the lap of my FATHER GOD, and put my head against his heart and feel the beat. I will laugh till my sides hurt... I will cry unashamedly, I will listen to more people, and try (Lord, help me) TRY to talk less. I will be thankful for my friends who hug, wipe tears, and put in pot roasts to serve us even when their lives are so full. I will enjoy the aroma of my favorite fragrance, knowing that my prayers are a fragrance to God. Those are just some of the ways that I have changed.

It feels like the last three months have changed me, and I know that I often have to be tolerant even if what I hear from other's mouths seems to be insensitive or frivolous, or even just plain stupid. I realize that I have changed, but everyone else hasn't and they may not until they experience growth that comes from walking through the fire! I realize that the lens that I look through, no longer is rose colored... instead it seems to magnify pain, and sorrow on one hand, and great love and joy on the other. I realize I have changed. I look at the picture of myself and my husband taken a week ago, and I see the change even in my eyes. Perhaps only I see it, but somehow it has affected every single part of my life.
I will never be the same again.

Jesus, Lord of all - take the pieces of my life and please Lord, please bring them together. I ask you to continue to make me aware of your presence in my life, aware of the way you carry me through all of it. Lord, I ask you to, inspite of my pain, cause me to look past myself, to others of my family, my friends and those I come in contact with. Jesus, I will never be the same again. You continue to do a work in me... even in all this pain... Lord, I need you. O God, I need you. May you be in all of the change, ultimately may it bring you glory one day. One day...

Come Away with me.....

The song "Come Away with Me".... can't remember WHO wrote it, but the line is running through my mind. I am sitting in the dining area of our little suite at THE MARK CENTER, in Abbotsford, BC. Alvin and I are here, and what a gift from God. Thank you Lord for this quiet retreat space... to get away with YOU, with each other, and to be able to listen for your voice.

While this blog will not be long this time, I do want to share a quote that Steve Klassen shared with me this morning, a quote that they use in their literature for THE MARK CENTER....
"The sooner we stop thinking that we are the energetic operators of religion and discover that God is at work, as the Aggressor, the Invader, the Initiator, so much the sooner do we discover that our task is to call people to be still and know, listen, hearken in quiet invitation to the promptings of the Divine. our task is to encourage others first to let go, to cease striving, to give over this fevered effort of the self-sufficient religionist trying to please an external deity. Count on God knowing on the doors of time. God is the Seeker, and not we alone...I am persuaded that religious people do not with sufficient seriousness count on God as an active factor in the affairs of the world. "Behold I stand at the door and knock," but too many well-intentioned people are so preoccupied with the clatter of effort to do something for God that they don't hear Him asking that He might do something through them." (From Thomas Kelly's "A Testament of Devotion" pg. 59)

Words from my Son... Live for the Moment

The other day I had the joy of having coffee with my daughters at Mountain Bean, and then Josh came by to join us. We sat there and talked over our latte's. I love it when my kids are around. I love it how they challenge my thinking. I love it when they say things just to see my reaction. I love watching Josh and Ashley bug each other just like they did when they were young! (without the screaming and tattling though!) And when we were getting ready to leave, my son said, "Mom I have two things to say...Live for the Moment and Delegate!!"

Fast forward a day, and there we were again, only this time all four were together. We were talking about involvements, and once again my son was the one to speak up and say, "no mom, you shouldn't be in the christmas choir"... Later, he gave me a hug, and said "sorry, mom, I've been a little hard on you!" Thing is, I love it that my son/my kids all actually, care enough about me, in the midst of their own stuff, to help me evaluate where I spend my time. I love it that when I am struggling to figure out my boundaries between work and home.... that they help me do that. I love it that my son dares to challenge me, and that my kids all care about what I do, and when, and how... and I realize that I am so blessed! SO BLESSED.

So, Live for the Moment.... I think that I want to live for the moment in this way... I want to see the color in each fall leaf... I want to take time to talk to our dog, and to rub the cats behind their ears, and feel the warmth of their little bodies as they sit on my lap. I want to enjoy the smell of coffee that my husband puts on in the morning. I want to choose NOT to answer the phone and let it pick up on voice mail. I want to take more time just resting in the presence of God. I want to memorize scripture more. I want to drink coffee with friends, take long walks with my husband and laugh together until the tears run down our cheeks. (we do that often actually). I want to fret less. I want to enjoy the sound of music, and laughter.... to sit by a river or lake and watch the water...I want to live for the moment, with a heart that is totally abandoned to Jesus!!

I want to live fully in the moment, but I also want to dream about the future... about the times when there will be more than 6 of us sitting around our table...and when are arms will be holding more grandbabies... I want to dream about when we live closer to our kids, and spend less time driving in our car. I want to take care of myself now, in the moment, so that I can be the best grandma around, and able to live fully in the future, and run and dance with my grandbabies!

It is my prayer O Lord, that I will first of all, have a heart that is totally committed to you... total commitment. I pray Jesus, that you would ruin me for the ordinary! I pray that you would continue to make me the woman, mom, wife, friend, aunt, daughter, that you have created me to be. As I live in this moment, may you make me more like you Lord. Help me to enjoy each moment that will lead to our life ahead. Still praying for the miracles God!! Your will be done. Help me to keep believing and trusting you! Thank you for my kids... for the way they speak into my life... for the way they love me and encourage me! O Lord, thank you for what you are going to do. Help me to live each moment... continue to give me the strength, to give ALL of us the strength, and the hope that "this moment will turn into something amazing!" Lord, we are choosing to trust! amen and amen.

...a whisper.....

Sometimes I get this strong sense, I call it a God-thing... and today was one of those moments, when I had a strong sense that God was telling me that he had things under control, and I had a sense I didn't need to be "petitioning" him so strongly in some areas...
And of course, the devil, well, he would hate for anyone to have peace right? So he is throwing in the doubt (are you sure that was God?)
As I write this, I keep hearing His, my Heavenly Father's, whisper to me...."Be still and know that I am God"

That is one of his trademark expressions in my life, and I have sometimes written it over and over, so that I can get the impact of WHO GOD IS... and What He wants to do in my life...
Sometimes I write it like this:
Be still and know that I am GOD
Be still and know that I AM
Be still and KNOW
Be STILL
BE

So Good Night Father.... as I get ready to go to sleep, and as the house is quiet, help me to be still and know that YOU are MY GOD.
Continue to make me aware of your voice and your presence in my life. Thank you in advance for all things, and Lord, thank you in advance for joy!
Help me to be still, Help me to know... Help me to love you with a full heart.
You are my Lord and My God. amen

BrOkEn for Him...

Today has been a "working around the house" day again. One of those days when I start off in one corner of the house, take something to another room, and then see something there to clean up... you get the picture! Alvin worked in the shop, making a set of steps for someone. As I looked outside, and saw him there, I realized how good it feels to be at home. Seems that for a while, we were only home to sleep. Getting up early, coming home way to late. Too many meetings. Too many hours of renovation work. Too many late nights with no supper, or a fast food one at best. I realized today, when I felt so good to be home, that all those late nights, and meetings take its toll on me. So, I am glad to be taking some holidays.

But now the house is quiet again. There are bags around the house... full of stuff to either throw out or give away to Value Village. I realize again the excess that one accumulates over time, and wonder how we get back to living simply. (that had been a goal of our caregroup a few years ago, or should I say, we read the book about it being a goal!)

As I work, I think. Lately, I have thought of so much. I have also journalled page after page per day... and I have also blogged more. So many thoughts swirling around. Some take up space in my soul and just there, and I am letting God work through some of them too.

One of the things that I have been thinking of alot lately is being broken.
While sitting waiting for a friend, I journalled my thoughts on brokenness. Only God knows to what extent I and my family feel broken! Words can't describe the feeling of your heart being blown to bits! To me, that is the ultimate of brokenness. I had read a comment that said, "those people God uses most to bring glory to Himself are those who are completely broken..."
I asked God "Lord, am I broken enough?" Something within me feels like I am, but would hate to feel what it would be like to be even more broken.
I sure feel broken. And the brokenness has touched all areas of my life. No wonder I keep asking God to bring the pieces together. This brokenness hurts like I have never felt it hurt ever before.

I realized there are mnay thoughts about brokenness
- usually brokenness is seen in a negative light
- being broken means there are many pieces or cracks
- the contents spill out as a result
- usually the broken pieces is deemed useless. Have you ever wanted to invest money and buy something that is broken?
- often a broken piece can not be fixed, or if it can - there is always evidence

However... in God's eyes... brokenness is a positive!
- when I am broken for God, then He makes me new and whole, and better than before
- in God's eyes, being broken means I am usefull!!

Then I wondered.... God, if you can take my brokenness (which is what you want) and make me whole again, and even better than before - I can hardly imagine that. But I am so excited and hopeful at the thought. I am wondering if I will feel the pieces coming together. I believe I will. In fact, I believe he is bringing them together in His time.

I have also wondered where else I need to be broken. It is a scary thought really. Let's face it, no one wants to feel the pain. Even when you are WITH GOD... it is still a painful journey. I guess I will just keep walking with my FATHER... and keep clinging to Him and trust that he will bring healing, and wholeness and O God, that you would bring joy in the process!

These words from scripture brought me to tears the other day. God heard my prayers.
Psalm 84 selected verses.
2b "My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God." 5b "...blessed are those whose strength is in you...as they pass through the valley of Baca." 8 "Hear my prayer, O Lord God Almighty, listen to me, O God of Jacob. Selah. (or think on these things) Look upon our shield, O God, look with favor on your anointed one." 11 "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withold from those whose walk is blameless. O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you." NIV

O Jesus.... Lord God. Almight One. My heart cries out. You are the living God. In you do we trust. As we walk through this dark valley, O Lord, give us strength in all parts of our beings. O Lord, hear my prayer. And Lord, will you look with favor on us? I know that ultimately, we are to bring you honor and glory... and I believe that what you will do, will bring you the glory. So, I continue to ask boldly, knowing that you do bestow favor and honor. Lord, have mercy... hear my prayer. In your power, Lord, look with favor upon me and my family. To you O Lord, do we give thanks. Abba Father...
amen.

Texts, Emails, Phonecalls and Coffee Chats

Today is one of those days... actually, it is early Saturday morning, but I am still unwinding from Friday. I have had a hard time sleeping lately, so perhaps if I delay it a little, the night will be better. I am just thinking back to today, and how I was in contact with several amazing women in my life. My daughters Ashley and Leah... first texts, a phone call, a short visit, and a movie and dinner in that order. It was good to hug them, and visit with them, and go see a movie with Leah, since both of our guys are at work tonight. During the day, I heard by email from Judy - and I had the gift of a good cup of coffee and a chat with Jeannette at Starbucks. Later, a short visit at Ash and Mike's with Ellen. As I sit here and recount the women in my life TODAY... God, you are so good to me! Women of all ages, women that bring a breath of air into my life.

I also have more women who speak into my life, like my sisters, my close friends - especially Josie, and Kim, who call often throughout the week. And of course there are others. Too many to name.... God, how blessed I am! And then, there is the latest gift to me, in the form of our counsellor Mary. I never knew how important she would become in our lives, helping us work through our grief.

Today as I spoke with Jeannette over our large cups of coffee, we talked about where God is at in our lives. We shared insights that we have learned lately. We laughed. We cried. We talked about our kids (who are just recently married to one another!). Jeannette told me how I was an answer to her prayer today. Imagine that!

I realize alot through my friends. They make me laugh, they allow me to cry. They pray with me. Sometimes they just listen and say nothing. I realize that my friends affirm who I am, sometimes challenge what I do, or how much I do something.
I realize that just when I am feeling down, my friends seem to know when to call. I realize that my friends dare to step into the uncomfortable zones, especially lately since my little grandson was born silently. (12 weeks ago yesterday).

I realize that sometimes I take my friends for granted. Sometimes I say things that may be hurtful. Sometimes it seems, especially lately that my "filters" have come off! I realize that if a person doesn't have friends, they would be very lonely.
One of my friends Josie, has been my best friend for 40 years. I think over the times that we have spent together, and the crisis that we have supported one another through over the years. Amazing. 40 years!! That is 4/5ths of my life!! It was Josie who came with me to pick out the flannel for the little quilt I made for my grandson Jay, the one that he was wrapped in. Josie helped me pick out the combination of "blue" flannel, and showed me how to cut the squares, and figure out how to make the first quilt of this kind for me!

I also realize that God has been able to use me in my friends lives as well. Today Jeannette and I were talking about when we were able to visit and pray together years ago, before we even became good friends! I realize that in those times when I visited Judy as she was struggling through chemo, that her friendship blessed me in so many ways... and I always thought I was going to take God's blessing to her!! I realize that Kim has been there for me in many ways over the last 30 years of so... but I will never forget those times when she and Linda cared for me, came and did laundry and made supper, when I was too sick to even hardly get off the couch! I realize how the women in my care group have been very practical in their outreach to me and Alvin through all of our crisises. I thank God for my friend Jeanne, who dares to ask questions that perhaps others only think but never ask. Jeanne makes me laugh alot... and she also shares my love for chocolate!! Then there is my sister in law Corinna, who I have come to know in a totally new way since Jay died, as she has shown me that even though it is hard, it is so worth it to put yourself out there, and walk alongside of a grieving person! How often I open up my email to find an email from her, just asking how I am. Like I said before, there are way to many good friends to mention, and I hope that if one of you reads this, and doesn't see your name, you aren't offended... time just doesn't allow me to say something about each one!

Friends are one of the greatest gifts a person can have. Blessings that God gives to us. God, thank you for each friend that you have given to me... each person that has enhanced my life in ways that are too numerous to recount. May you give me strength Lord, to be the type of friend that you want me to be. To love unconditionally, and to be there when I am needed. Give me grace, give me understanding, show me O Lord, when to just listen, and when to speak. Lord, please also show me when I need to apologize for being insensitive.. that happens with friends too unfortunatley. And please Lord, help me to bring my friends before your throne as you lay them on my heart. Thank you Father God... for friends and family - all ages, all types, all gifts. Amen.