"You will never be the same again..."

"You will never be the same again. Your kids will never be the same again. You have all changed." These words were spoken to my husband and I by our christian counsellor Mary. I have come to love Mary and see how she is such a gift to us. Truly, a gift. In our last visit with Mary, she mentioned those words to us. I told her that just that day, as I was driving back to my work place, I was wondering if I looked different to staff, if it appeared like I was different, because I knew I was. So, as we sat in Mary's living room, and heard these words as part of our counselling session... it was a very true and real affirmation of something we knew in our hearts was true. We would never be the same again. We had changed. All of us.

My husband and I have also spent time talking about this, and exactly some of the ways we felt we had changed. My daughter (Leah) and I went to see a movie, and as we were walking out Leah talked about how seeing that type of ending, would have made her cry before, but now it was different. We have changed.

Since this is my blog, I will share how I have changed. While I don't think I ever took the life of my grandson "for granted" - perhaps I did. But, I will definitley walk through the future pregnancies in our family in the same way. While I prayed daily - I will pray "differently". While I smiled and loved the tumbling movements of the Jay as he developed inside of Leah, in the future, I will cherish those sommersaults even more! I will wake up each morning, and thank God for the breath of a new day. As I walk, it seems the smell of fall is more obvious, as creation dies and goes into a winter hibernation with the promise of new life in Spring. I will touch my animals more, thankful for the attention that they beg of me, and the excitement that my dog Orea greets me with when he knows I am going for a walk. As I relax in my house, I will thank God for the abilities of my husband, who not only built the home we live in, but maintains it (and my car, and the jobs I need done at my workplace, and... ) I will look for the opportunities to give a cup of coffee to the person in the drivethru behind me. I will thank God for the blessings that he has given to us, which allow us to bless the one who begs on the corner by the lights, or the one who passes me with his hands out, when I walk down the streets of downtown. I will continue to pray with more fervor, with more expectation, with more thanksgiving. I will look for the moments when I can just crawl onto the lap of my FATHER GOD, and put my head against his heart and feel the beat. I will laugh till my sides hurt... I will cry unashamedly, I will listen to more people, and try (Lord, help me) TRY to talk less. I will be thankful for my friends who hug, wipe tears, and put in pot roasts to serve us even when their lives are so full. I will enjoy the aroma of my favorite fragrance, knowing that my prayers are a fragrance to God. Those are just some of the ways that I have changed.

It feels like the last three months have changed me, and I know that I often have to be tolerant even if what I hear from other's mouths seems to be insensitive or frivolous, or even just plain stupid. I realize that I have changed, but everyone else hasn't and they may not until they experience growth that comes from walking through the fire! I realize that the lens that I look through, no longer is rose colored... instead it seems to magnify pain, and sorrow on one hand, and great love and joy on the other. I realize I have changed. I look at the picture of myself and my husband taken a week ago, and I see the change even in my eyes. Perhaps only I see it, but somehow it has affected every single part of my life.
I will never be the same again.

Jesus, Lord of all - take the pieces of my life and please Lord, please bring them together. I ask you to continue to make me aware of your presence in my life, aware of the way you carry me through all of it. Lord, I ask you to, inspite of my pain, cause me to look past myself, to others of my family, my friends and those I come in contact with. Jesus, I will never be the same again. You continue to do a work in me... even in all this pain... Lord, I need you. O God, I need you. May you be in all of the change, ultimately may it bring you glory one day. One day...