Yesterday - I had my QT with God and I was taken to Isaiah 26. It was (as I know it always is) an intimate time with the Lord - as His Word comes to life - and my thoughts can be spoken or written. After studying and spending time in the Word - part of my response to the Lord came in written form in my journal entry. Here is some of it - although normally I keep my journal entries fairly private - I do want to share this with you here on my blog!
"So. Today is the first day of the first month of a new year. Lord, with some fear and trembling mixed with the knowledge of your faithfulness in my life – I do repeat the words I wrote in my journal on Jan. 1 of 2008 …
Lord, I give you this year – all of it – the whole 52 weeks – 365 days - 12 months…The hours. The minutes. The seconds. All.
I do not know what this year holds, and I guess Lord – that is the scary part for me. It is the anxious thoughts – the “feelings” – the fears all mixed in between the great expectations of all that you are going to do in me, thru me – because of me – in spite of me – through my family - … all.
I do not know – but I do know that YOU hold each second, minute, hour, day, week, month... the whole year – start to finish. I do know that even in those times I struggle with what has happened or what you allow to happen – I know well enough that you are faithful even when I feel like you have turned away.
Help me to see you with a whole heart – to trust you completely. Help me to live fully for you. Help me Lord to trust you with a WHOLE heart – and to give you my life completely.
Lord, help me to thirst after you – and to continue to drink from your well –
Help me to lay down hurt – and the betrayal.
Help me to lay down my anger.
My disappointment and disillusionment.
Lord, do a work in my life –
Renew my heart – my being
Fill me up to overflowing.
I love you Lord – this is my prayer – this is my heart’s desire – that I would become more like you – and less like me!! Change me - "
So that was that - yesterday's entry. You see the thing is - 2010 was incredibly hard for us. But in that - I know that God has begun to work - begun to shape us - or continued to shape us I should say. God is at work. Sometimes I think I would like "so and so's" life.... it seems that from the side - some people are just cruising along through life - with never a hard moment - never a struggle - never a faith crisis...
Honestly - I know that isn't the case really.... or if it is - I think I am glad that God is at work through me - and that I am just not mundanely going through life - complacent or content with the "normalcy" or the "ordinary" ... hmmm am I rambling or actually making some sense here?
What I wrote in my journal - I had written some of the same on January 1st 2008. The year our life as we knew it STOPPED on July 24th, and our changed life began. So even daring to write those words again bring fear and trembling. Thing is - the reality is that God does know each minute, each day each month of my year regardless of whether I wrote that down in ink or not.
So - as I look ahead - I want to be in tune with him! I want him to change me - and I know He will (and sometimes does even if we aren't willing to enter into it!) God IS God!!
On this threshhold of a new year - I have made some decisions, and actually early in the new hour of January 1st, I sat with Alvin and 4 other friends as we shared our concerns/requests/desires for each of us for the next year and then prayed for one another.
Part of my prayer requests were - to get healthy (aka to finally shed the weight that has entangled me) ; to become more like Jesus; to finally let go of some things and "move on" (especially in the area of where we are going to choose to go to church on a regular basis); and to not just "weather the storm but to dance in the rain" as I read on friend's sisters bulletin at her memorial service.
This is my first journal entry of this blog fo 2011.... this is the prayer of my heart! How can I pray for you??