When I was about 12, I almost drowned. Up till that point, I loved water. I spent every summer at camp, and water was just plain fun! Up until this day. I got off a raft to walk back into shore. At first it wasn't bad, but as I walked closer to shore, the water was getting deeper. I realized I had gotten off at a sandbar. I still remember the panic I felt... water coming into my mouth. Any thoughts of swimming gave way to frantic dogpaddling! And then my cousin realized what was happening, and grabbed me, and brought me to shore - safe and sound. Since then I have been afraid of water, and have to be able to touch bottom at all times.
Lately, there are times when I feel like I am drowning again, only not physically, but emotionally. All the books say that this is normal to grief. (there is no such thing as normal anymore). But from time to time, I get the picture of me that day, feeling like I was going to drown...
I think that the emotional drowning is perhaps scarier! You see, I "look" normal to others, and I even do "normal" things... heck, I even laugh outloud from time to time again. However, the emotional part is unseen... the part that feels overwhelmed, and drowning from time to time.
Water... a place of fear, but the other day, as I listened to the Lament CD from Ashley, I realized that water is also a place of healing. When I look at the bible, I see the links to water.... baptism's - water from a well for refreshment - the healing pool at Siloam, and wasn't it Naaman the leper who went into the pool 7 times to be healed. (forgive me if I got the names mixed up.)
I listened to a song the other day, and thought that it represented ME - and explained some of the drowning in grief feeling - and brought me to the place where all I can do is say, Jesus.... its me again.... may your living water bring healing.
Here are the words:
Find Me in the River
Find me in the river
find me on my knees
i've walked against the wtaer
now I'm waiting if you please
We've longed to see the roses
but never felt the thorns
and bought our pretty crowns
but never paid the price
find me in the river
find me there
find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
even though you're gone and i'm cracked and ry
find me inthe river, i'm waiting here
find me inthe river
find me on my knees
i've walked against the water
Now I'm waiting if you please
We didn't count on suffering
we didn't count on pain
but if the blessing's in the valley
Then in the river I will wait
Written by Martin Smith c1995 Curious? Music UK
So, the last lines... oh my goodnes... Jesus, here I am in the river. Help me to wait. Lord, please, help me to wait. And then Jesus, please help me up.
I love you Lord.
1 comment:
Still catching up...
Have you heard Danny Plett's album "Like A River"? He wrote the whole album about his walk with and through depression and it has really helped me through recent years. The title track also called "Like a River" is very powerful.
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