Tears

Tears - seems they have become a constant companion. I have always been one that cried easier than some. I remember when my son was younger, and we would be watching tv and a good commercial would come on, you know the ones that the mormon church puts on, about families....they would always makes us tear up.

As I got older, I began to cry more. Not sure if things were more meaningful or what the story was, but I cried more. The other thing I noticed was when I prayed with people, I wept. I figure God is in those tears... interceding through them.
Tears have certainly became part of my prayer language.

Some people get uptight when they cry, and figure they have to make excuses.... I don't think I need to, most people that know me, know the tears.

However I have never never known tears like I have come to know them since my Grandson Jay's birth and death.... NEVER known such tears. I wish they weren't something that has become familiar...but they are.
I remember feeling like my eyes were full of grit, they were so cried out...
I have gone past my little grandson's gravesite, and wept. Tears have fallen on the ground there.
I have wept all the way home from Winnipeg - wept into my pillow - wept in the dark, as well as in the light, and today, I wept on my son Josh's shoulder.
I think somehow he knew that I needed that kiss and hug... although that is nothing new, that is part of our mother-son relationship, and actually part of my relationship with all my kids. However, today, it was different. The way Josh hugged me, and let me cry. Just as I am now. More tears.
I felt bad crying on my son's shoulder.... God only knows that Josh should be crying on mine! But it felt okay.... and again I told him that I would have done anything... I have thought of that often. Both Alvin and I would have given our lives for our little grandson to live. However, God chose otherwise obviously.

Tears have been non stop this week. Every day, many times. Tears cried in secret, tears cried in public. Tears cried while talking. Tears cried while thinking. Tears cried while praying. Tears! It seems as the weeks go on, the tears become more and more frequent. Not sure if they are healing or not. Can't say I feel any healing yet...and just when I feel like there is not a single tear left, they continue to roll non stop down my cheeks.

Last Friday, we went as a family, and got tatoos. I chose something very plain and simple. Mine is a heart, with a little J in it, and a single blue tear. (blue has become the color we associate with our little "blueJAY"... and below my tatoo, I have the reference from Revelation 7:17 where it says that God shall wipe away our tears from our eyes. That is when we are with him for eternity.... I can only imagine.

I wish that my tears were not a reality right now... and instead I had my little grandson in my arms... how I have thought of that with each baby I have seen!

Right now, I wish He (Jesus) was right here, so that I could actually feel Him.... somehow right now God feels very silent, and very far away. I wish I could feel him. I wish I could feel him wipe my tears. I wish I could see his power work in our lives. Guess I just have to wait and expect Him to show. And in the meantime, I will continue to weep... tears of great pain and great sorrow, and one day, Lord, ONE DAY.... please make them tears of joy. Oh that THAT DAY would be soon? Please Lord, hear my prayer. Lord, have mercy and could you please give us the desire of our hearts?

Till then Jesus, I know that you catch my tears in a bottle... not sure why, but your Word says that... Jesus, you must have buckets of them by this time!