Pain

Right now, I am sitting here in the tv room, checking things on the computer, while at the same time realizing that when I go to get up, it will be a painful process.
It seems that right now, my fibromyalgia has been in "flare up mode" for a little while. Since being diagnosed with it in 1995, I have to say that I have not been "sidelined" too often.

I remember in 2001, while going through a very stressful period, I was unable to work for a few days. At that time, it felt like I didn't even have the strength to put my standard car into gear.

Since then, it has been something that I lived with. It is not visible, so I would venture to say that most times, people don't even know, or think of it, unless I say something about the pain. Perhaps I should complain, but then again, that wouldn't do anything anyhow. Really... life has to go on. I have really slacked off in the cleaning of my house, and have gotten some help from my daughter Ashley on some weeks. I am okay with the non-vacuumed look!

However the other thing that happens is that I need to put wood into the boiler when Alvin is at work. I really don't have any options... not sure I want frozen boiler pipes and a cold house. Even with my menopausal hot flashes, I still don't want a cold house.

So, such as it is.... in a few hours, I will put on my outdoor stuff and saunter out to the wood boiler to fill it up. A bit over a year ago, when Alvin had his rotator cuff surgery, I got pretty good at filling the wood boiler, and usually had a roaring fire going. Now a days, I am glad to be able to lift the logs and get them into the boiler, and get back into the house.

I am thankful that Alvin has cut the logs up into smaller pieces which are easier for me to handle.

Pain, I remember it was a fact of life for my mom. I remember that she often slept in a chair. I don't have to sleep in a chair, but I do have a hard time sleeping.
Pain is a constant fact of my life. Lately, a lot more obvious too. I noticed in December that I seemed to be having a flare-up. It made sense, as it is also affected by stress, and there was more than enough of that in my life.

On Saturday, it was awful.... the pain, and the stiffness. And the fatigue. Everything seemed to be a big thing...
Even walking was hard. I know that I have to walk, I have to exercise. But that day, I was counting each step and wishing I was done. Making two laps was harder than ever before. All I wanted to do was lay on my bed. But that is hard too. I found that there were some things that were coming out in my thoughts - like anger towards those situations/people that contributed to my stress. However, I knew that was something that I needed to let go of. Like my counsellor told me, sometimes I have to choose what to address, and what to just let go, depending on what I know. Right now, some of the stressful stuff, I just have to let go. (much easier said than done... God, help me)

God.... are you there? It feels like there is nothing in my life that even resembles the old life I had. We, each one in our family, we have all changed. It feels like everything is just plain hard. Emotionally, I hate that it is so awfully hard to work through life!! Mentally, I feel tired. Socially, I thank God for those few who continue to dare to connect with us while I am off. It seems that our grief has not scared everyone off.... it also seems that some of our friends are still okay talking about where we are at. Lord, thank you for these friends who are there even when we don't connect naturally at church every Sunday. In regards to the physical pain, tears are constantly on the verge. Physically - I feel like the tin man from the wizard of oz. I try not to complain. Really, there is nothing anyone can do anyhow. The one thing I know is that I hate to be pitied!!

Yesterday I pulled out a book on Fibromyalgia syndrome. It was quite interesting. It began with Scripture.

"And the days of affliction ahve taken hold upon me. my bones are pierced in me in the night season and my sinews take no rest." Jobe 30: 16-17
The book said that "the medical condition known as fibromyalgia is not new. in fact, some doctors say is sounds very like the afflictions of Job, a biblical character whose sufferings were recorded thousands of years ago."

Hmmm I hadn't thought of Job in quite this way, although since Jay died, I have read Job more than I had before.

Thing is.... what can I do about it. I know I need to exercise, even when my body is so fatigued and painful and stiff.
It is just a mad catch 22. I can pray about it, and I have... but then again, I have prayed about many things. And, I will continue to pray. That is all I can do.

When my mom was sick, and dying, during her last week before she went home to Heaven, this Psalm brought me great comfort. It still does today. It is rtuly the cry of my heart... the cry of OUR hearts as family.

Psalm 40 (New Living Translation)

Psalm 40
For the choir director: A psalm of David.
1 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
3 He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.


Jesus, you are the great I am. You are healer. I wait paitently for you. Okay Lord, sometimes yu know that I am not always the most patient. Forgive me for that.
I am waiting for you to turn to us, and hear our cry. Lord, you must hear us? You must heart a millions cries from our lips, and our hearts. WIll you lift us out of this deep deep pit of despair? God, we are waiting.
We are waiting for you to set our feet on solid ground, and to steady us. O God, please. You will give us a new song to sing. Will the song come to us soon?
We long to sing it. Till then, we will praise you! I admit, praising you when I feel this way is hard, but I know that it is ALL ABOUT YOU JESUS.... and I need to praise you whether I feel like it or not. You are worthy to be praised!!

We wait on you Jesus... we know that when you choose to show your favor on us, that many will see what you do, and will glorify your name, and put their trust in you.
We wait on you. O Jesus.... have mercy. Lord, have mercy. Amen.