Sitting with God in the midst of Grief

Today when I went on facebook, I saw a note written by one of my kids friends, Lisa. Her note touched me deeply. As I read it, I saw that her words were expressions of my own. Her struggling with God since Jay was born silently. A “feeling of being so let down by the one person you thought “had your back” ….. (part of Lisa’s note)
I understand Lisa’s thoughts so well. She is someone who has dared to express what she feels, and her disappointment I guess, with God. Somehow, it is comforting to know that someone else realizes/feels/experiences this in some way.

And for me, it brought back to the surface, a bunch of hurt that I am carrying around – I know it is obviously my problem, but it is there…just below the surface, where I have had to tuck it for now. I have a few months to deal with “hurt feelings” and since it does not include those who are in my family or close friends, I can leave it out there for now. Right now, that seems trivial compared to what I need to do to work through the grief, taking it each day at a time, and sitting with my thoughts, which involve remembering when I first held my little grandbaby, and snuggled him. As I do this, you have to believe that the thoughts that Lisa expressed, plus way more… come right to the surface… and right in my face. I am writing several pages in my journal these days. I am waking up with my family on my mind… I am going to bed with my family on my thoughts…I am laying awake giving them and our future to God.

Since God lifted the “dark cloud” on January 10, I have to say that I feel in tune with him again… I still don’t understand what He did, or allowed, or what He is doing, nor do I understand his timing, or what I can say his un-timing… but I feel God again…
I am so thankful that the cloud has lifted so I can “see” more clearly.

On this leave, I have enjoyed the time to just “sit” with God…
I have also just recently begun doing a Beth Moore Bible Study (on my own) and it is called ESTHER: its tough being a woman. And yesterday, as I watched the CD, Beth said something that hit my heart. Okay, she said many things… but this one thing,
She talked about when she walked through “the dark night of the soul” (yep, been there…) and how it was amazing when she felt like the dark had lifted. She talked about the times when we can’t find God/feel God but that we KNOW he is there! (yep. Know what she is talking about there too.)

I know that I have asked God to do something, pretty specific. (as if God doesn’t know what He wants to do, and needs my help). I have also asked God about his timing, and have shared with him how much doing a miracle would be for His honor and glory! And, we continue to wait, and wonder, and ask…
Beth Moore said this….maybe, could it be that
“God is building our faith to see something that we are hardly going to believe when it comes to full revelation?”

Oh God, please, YES…. I hope so. I don’t understand why you allowed Jay’s heart to stop. I don’t understand why you didn’t make it beat again as we prayed for you to do that. I don’t understand why a baby so complete and perfect was born silently. I don’t understand why you continue to allow other babies to come into families, and yet took our little one “home” for yourself. BUT GOD… I do want to believe that you are building our faith (even though at times it feels like it is not there) and I want to believe that we are going to see something that we are hardly going to believe when it comes to full revelation!! God, only YOU can do that. Only YOU can make shattered pieces come back together. Only YOU can do a miracle that will prove that although we don’t see it now, that you DO have it under YOUR power and Control, because YOU ALONE are SOVEREIGN> YOU ALONE ARE GOD.

God, I give you my day, my week, my month.
I also ask that you would continue to work out my faith…
I thank you that salvation in YOU is secure, even though at times I am wavering like a ship on the sea.
I thank you that I know that through generations, you have been faithful, even though at times, I have questioned your faithfulness.
I thank you that when I talk to you, I know you hear, and I know that you are going to answer.
Give me patience as I wait. Draw me near Lord, so near I can feel your heartbeat.
Oh Lord, draw me, and my family near.